I'm smitten with a Vanilla.

[GentleSub_Ivy]

Hmmmm, since I'm still in the suffocation stage I would say run. However, you said he didn't run away when you mentioned kink. You have a great wait and see attitude. Just take care of yourself.

A to you and Cutie.

 

[Homburg]

I'm in a similar situation and was actually going to ask on here for some advice- my fiance, although not actually vanilla has real problems with BDSM in that he feels- in his own words ''like he's playing a game'' when we do scene. He just can't seem to get hardcore enough for me, so i never feel, even when I'm bound, like I'm not in control. I feel like I'm constantly topping from the bottom and it's starting to ruin the who thing for me. Any advice would be so gladly received.

[sorry for the hijack]

Depends. How old is he, and how long has he been topping? When I first started, it felt like a game for me too. Like I was a fraud. It took a while for it to gel. One thing I've noticed in my short association with Lifestylers is that women seem to gel more quickly than men, and subs seem to gel more quickly than Doms. Just anecdotal stuff to back that up, but it has been my experience. Someone posted a comment about an aritcle they read that most MDoms don't really figure out their power until they hit their 30's.

So it may just be because he's new at it, or not quite fully mature yet. The other question would be how long have you known him? Has he gotten any better since you first started playing together? Are you his first sub?

There's a lot of factors here, and I'm loathe to say 'dump the chump' just because he's not quite there yet. If this is a fresh relationship, if he is a young guy, if he's inexperienced, it may just be a learning curve issue.

 

[FurryFury]

Yes, it could be a fine line between, he is growing into it and we are simply not sexually compatible enough that I won't be seething with desires he can't satisfy.

Dump the chump was NOT part of my answer. Just because someone can't met your desires fully doesn't make them a chump in my book. There are quite a few wonderful people out there that would do little to nothing sexually for me. They are still wonderful human beings though.

 

[mickyp123]

I'm in a similar situation and was actually going to ask on here for some advice- my fiance, although not actually vanilla has real problems with BDSM in that he feels- in his own words ''like he's playing a game'' when we do scene. He just can't seem to get hardcore enough for me, so i never feel, even when I'm bound, like I'm not in control. I feel like I'm constantly topping from the bottom and it's starting to ruin the who thing for me. Any advice would be so gladly received.

[sorry for the hijack]

PM'd

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I was very ruthless with myself a while ago and simply took myself off the nilla market. I refused to entertain the idea of another nilla bf. It has paid off for me but it took a lot to turn my back on anyone I might have got cosy with in my locality and stick it out with sifting profiles, BS and lies online before I found my Master.

I have been trapped in nilla relationships of my own volition before and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. CoyOne sounds like she has an opening for trying kink out at least but Cutie, if this guy has gone off the scene and come back over the horizon again is he likely to stick around this time? That's a big risk IMO unless you really are sure.

 

[nymphee]

Depends. How old is he, and how long has he been topping? When I first started, it felt like a game for me too. Like I was a fraud. It took a while for it to gel. One thing I've noticed in my short association with Lifestylers is that women seem to gel more quickly than men, and subs seem to gel more quickly than Doms. Just anecdotal stuff to back that up, but it has been my experience. Someone posted a comment about an aritcle they read that most MDoms don't really figure out their power until they hit their 30's.

So it may just be because he's new at it, or not quite fully mature yet. The other question would be how long have you known him? Has he gotten any better since you first started playing together? Are you his first sub?

There's a lot of factors here, and I'm loathe to say 'dump the chump' just because he's not quite there yet. If this is a fresh relationship, if he is a young guy, if he's inexperienced, it may just be a learning curve issue.

Thanks for this Homburg, i think you're right. We haven't been doing this for very long, and he does want to go on with it- he wants to Dom, I just don't think he knows how.

As for not marrying him, I would rather live without sex than live without George.

 

[Homburg]

Thanks for this Homburg, i think you're right. We haven't been doing this for very long, and he does want to go on with it- he wants to Dom, I just don't think he knows how.

Get him in contact with a more experienced Top if you can. It helps.

I was talking to a fellow last night, almost ten years younger than I am, and he had a lot of the issues I had when I first started topping. Will it fix him to find out that other Tops had these issues? Not necessarily, but it might provide a bit of relief that he's not alone.

If you want, you can have him PM me, or I can give you my e-mail. I'm not uber-Top ancient master, but I might be able to shed some light on the difficulties that I faced.

 

[nymphee]

Thank you, that's really very kind. I will talk to him and see how he feels. It's just frustrating for us both, because we both know he has it in there, he just doesn't know how to get to it, but what you've told me is really very reassuring.

To everyone else who offered advice- thank you, I am grateful to anyone who was willing to help.

 

[Homburg]

Thank you, that's really very kind. I will talk to him and see how he feels. It's just frustrating for us both, because we both know he has it in there, he just doesn't know how to get to it, but what you've told me is really very reassuring.

You're quite welcome. I wish you good luck, and good beatings, nymphee

 

[mickyp123]

Thanks for this Homburg, i think you're right. We haven't been doing this for very long, and he does want to go on with it- he wants to Dom, I just don't think he knows how.

As for not marrying him, I would rather live without sex than live without George.

As for not marrying him, I would rather live without sex than live without George

Priceless

 

[FurryFury]

I wish you all the best Nymphee.

 

[nymphee]

I wish you all the best Nymphee.

Thank you Fury.

Micky, you'd better not be taking the afforementioned. I know where you live!

 

[mickyp123]

..........................as if

 

[coy_one]

Had another discussion with the vanilla about my kinks. I got the whole, "How did you end up so fucked up?" Question. Ugh. That made it nice and awkward.

We definitely have been working on the communication. He's not completely opposed to my kinks.... but just doesn't understand some of them. Otherwise, we have a hell of a great time together.

 

[nh23]

Had another discussion with the vanilla about my kinks. I got the whole, "How did you end up so fucked up?" Question. Ugh. That made it nice and awkward.

We definitely have been working on the communication. He's not completely opposed to my kinks.... but just doesn't understand some of them. Otherwise, we have a hell of a great time together.

Lol..my husband has asked me the same thing many times. He doesn't understand why I like the things I like..but he accepts them. I'm good with that. Does he seem like he will be accepting of things he may not understand?

 

[coy_one]

Lol..my husband has asked me the same thing many times. He doesn't understand why I like the things I like..but he accepts them. I'm good with that. Does he seem like he will be accepting of things he may not understand?

Yes. Cause he has his own sexual weirdness, which helps.

Things are still moving along well.

 

[DVS]

Yes. Cause he has his own sexual weirdness, which helps.

Things are still moving along well.

Well, whatever his sexual weirdness is, ask him how he ended up so fucked up. What goes around, comes around.

We're all unique and he should understand that. We are all products of our upbringing and whatever genes our parents gave us. Nothing of how we turned out is our own doing.

Some people view kinky as a quirkiness of sexuality and those who participate are perverted. I see kinky as being deeply involved sexually, without hangups. Someone who sees kinky as weird or fucked up, is sexually imature. Those who denouce something usually know the least about it, or feel inadiquite or threatened because of it.

Some vanilla people secretly wish for what we so called kinky people have. They simply don't have the guts to take the chance. The divorce rate is high in vanilla land and one of the main reasons is incompatablility. What that translates to is the wife is not being satisfied.

Tell your vanilla friend he should try and open up a little in the sexual area. You know he will benefit from it. Those of us on this forum know he will benefit from it. But remember, you can't force him into something he can't relate to. He needs to have the desire. That's something you can't fake. If he doesn't have the desire, he's just going through the motions for you. That won't last.

 

[Byakuya]

my wife is very vanilla.. but I love her a lot and I wouldn't ever consider leaving her.. but it's really tough.. I know what you're going through.. she does indulge me with a little kink occasionally, but not much..

usually it's just plain vanilla sex.. which is better than nothing I suppose, but it's not what I really want.. I've tried lots of things to get her interested.. I've bought her books which she hasn't read.. I've talked to her about what I want.. she just isn't into it..

I've tried tying her up during sex before.. afterwards I asked her if she enjoyed it but she just kinda shrugged.. I asked her if she'd like to try tying me up, and she said "nah".. not that she's repulsed by it.. the thought of it just doesn't do anything for her..

I go down on her quite frequently, but it's pretty rare that she goes down on me.. that's a big problem for me because I love oral sex.. on the plus side, she doesn't have a problem with swallowing on the rare occasions when she feels up to giving me a BJ, which is nice..

I've pulled her hair and bitten her on the neck during sex.. she didn't hate it, but she didn't really enjoy it either.. I've tried so many things to get her interested, but I'm starting to think it's a lost cause.. I haven't completely given up yet, but I'm starting to feel a bit discouraged..

at least she's not 100% vanilla.. she's experimented with things like chocolate sauce.. she's let me use a dildo on her.. she'll sit on my face sometimes.. she'll let me finger her ass, even though she doesn't enjoy it.. but those are pretty much the extent of her limits..

we have tried anal in the past, but she hates it, so we haven't done it for years.. I don't know if a buttplug would help or if I should just give up on pushing that limit of hers...

there are so many wild and nasty things I'd like to do with her.. but she just doesn't seem to be into kink.. regardless I'm staying with her no matter what.. I just wish I could have my cake and eat it too..

 

[Byakuya]

wow, I take back part of what I just said in my last post.. last night was pretty intense! (relatively speaking).. we had a little to drink first which really seemed to help..

 

[DVS]

wow, I take back part of what I just said in my last post.. last night was pretty intense! (relatively speaking).. we had a little to drink first which really seemed to help..

You just never know...that could be the key that unlocks the forbidden door.

 

[coy_one]

You just never know...that could be the key that unlocks the forbidden door.

I started training him in orgasm denial, then took care of his need.

DING, DING, DING!!!!! We now have a winner!!!!! He just didn't have enough wonderful things to say to me.....

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

I started training him in orgasm denial, then took care of his need.

DING, DING, DING!!!!! We now have a winner!!!!! He just didn't have enough wonderful things to say to me.....

Okay, I have a basically vanilla but cooperate guy and this sounds promising.
Except I'm not entirely sure what training in orgasm denial entails.

 

[coy_one]

Okay, I have a basically vanilla but cooperate guy and this sounds promising.
Except I'm not entirely sure what training in orgasm denial entails.

I basically asked him if he understood tantric sex. The long slow build up. This means keeping from masturbating until I say so.

He gave up masturbation for three days in an effort to try.

I took care of him to show him that good things can come to those that wait.

I sucked his cock in the "most spectacular bj" (his words). He was ready and was waiting for me to basically do anything to relieve him.

it was fantastic. One of the best nights of my life.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

I basically asked him if he understood tantric sex. The long slow build up. This means keeping from masturbating until I say so.

He gave up masturbation for three days in an effort to try.

I took care of him to show him that good things can come to those that wait.

I sucked his cock in the "most spectacular bj" (his words). He was ready and was waiting for me to basically do anything to relieve him.

it was fantastic. One of the best nights of my life.

Sounds lovely!

 

[DVS]

I basically asked him if he understood tantric sex. The long slow build up. This means keeping from masturbating until I say so.

He gave up masturbation for three days in an effort to try.

I took care of him to show him that good things can come to those that wait.

I sucked his cock in the "most spectacular bj" (his words). He was ready and was waiting for me to basically do anything to relieve him.

it was fantastic. One of the best nights of my life.

This does sound like you have somewhat converted him. If you want to do things in steps, maybe another step would be to tie him up, so he's defenseless...then do your thing on his cock. It's one thing to tell someone not to interfere, but it's another thing intirely when they aren't able to.

It's all in the mind. He felt he was still in control, even though you were taking charge during the whole act. Take that thought of control away from him, and that orgasm at the end will be even more powerful.

Another step could be to tie him up, and also blindfold him. That way, he can't stop or encourage you, and he can't even watch, so he doesn't know what's happening. It's one thing to see your head going up and down on his cock and feeling it at the same time. Trust me, that feeling is doubled, when he can't tell when your hot mouth is going to devour his cock. And when he can only feel what's happening, everything is taken to another level, just like tying him up does.

And if you want to take it even farther into kinkland, gag him, too. Trust me...he will be whimpering and begging from behind that gag for sexual release.

The conventional ball gag might not be the one you should use. But, it all depends on the person. Might I suggest you stand in front of him, slip off your panties and stuff them in his mouth. Oh, that's only a suggestion. Everybody is different.

But, you should do all of these in steps. Don't try them all in the same session. It might be too kinky for some vanilla men. But, once you establish the orgasm control, then the wonderful feeling that that powerful orgasm creates...you have him in your spell. He's never felt something so wonderful. He's all ears, when you suggest something that will make it even more powerful and wonderful.

And, if he balks at the bondage or the gag, don't push it. But, give him some time to think about it. He might change his mind, after he thinks it over some...especially if you continue your denial tricks. He might bring it up himself. And if he doesn't, just a few little hints now and then will keep it in his mind. Again, don't push it. He must decide. You only add that encouragement of how good it will feel.

One of the hangups might be his friends. Men sometimes like to talk about their sexual encounters. Not all men are that way, but some men get together with some beer and talk about women that are good at blowjobs, etc. They don't usually go into much detail, but some do. They see it as a manly thing that women go down on them.

Now, bondage isn't manly in the vanilla world. It's a sign of wimppy. So, if a vanilla man allows his woman to tie him down, he won't want that information to get out to the boys. He also might think the woman will talk to other women about it, and it will eventually get back to his boys that way. So there is a hangup about bondage in the vanilla man's mind.

To ease this hangup, you can assure him everything that happens between you two will remain just between you two. I know some women like to talk about their men too, and some women will then repeat what they hear. We are all that way, to a point. But, if you can get his confidence that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, that might be enough to get him to try more kinky things. I'm not saying it will be the thing that beaks the ice, but it might be what it takes.

And with some men, this will all be a slow process, because it's driven into them from years of being vanilla. They are MEN and being controlled by the weaker woman is NON manly. He's set in his ways, because of this mindset, so he must be willing to explore his sexual mind.

There has to be something to trigger his mind...to temp him. Men enjoy pleasureable feelings...we're only human. This release denial thing you've done could be a way to reach his exploring self. It's not threatening his manliness, because you are performing a sexual act on him...you are servicing him. That's within his manliness mindset.

It's the way you do it...taking your time to worship it, lick it, carress it, devour it, all while he's watching. That's all manly, on his part. The part he's not expecting is the powerful ending that slowly overtakes him. And he'll remember everything that happened up to that powerful ending, too. It will all be one delicious event.

So, you might be able to use that powerful event to your advantage. Next time, try to introduce bondage. Then, if that goes well, the blindfold, next time. He's becoming more kinky as time goes on.

Now, you might think this is only for a submissive man, but that's not true. Sometimes, a Domly man likes to be tied up and treated this way, too. It's how you introduce it to him that's key.

In the kinky world, a submissive man likes to be told what's going to happen. A Dom will tell you what's going to happen. So, if you want him to feel Domly, you only suggest this as a way to give him more pleasure. It's his choice...you are only offering.

But, continue the orgasm denial thing. He might never want to go any further, but with your continued offers of making it an even more powerful orgasm, he might change his mind. That manly wall is sometimes difficult to break.

OK, if you're submissive and you want your vanilla man to be more agressive...this all could be to your advantage, too. Once he sees how it feels for him to expereince this, he might feel more enclined to give the same to you. You slowlyl introduce him to some of the smaller aspects of kink until he feels at ease with them.

Everybody is different. These small things I've mentioned won't work for everybody as a cookie cutter introduction to kink. But, it's worth a try. You need a way to break the ice, so to speak...a way to cross the bridge from vanilla to kink. I think that orgasm denial blowjob could be the necessary connection. It's still manly enough, but with a little kink involved, too. And if everybody gets the same result as you have, it might be the way to open his mind to other kinky things that also cause more powerful orgasms.

I hope you ccontinue your "training" and everything continues to be successful.