Is it cheating?

[WetDenise]

Gumby, he does know I'm online. He knows I've been exchanging e-mail messages. He doesn't know much more beyond that, although I've invited him to view my posts, he's not interested. As far as he's concerned, this is my place. Whatever I do to get myself in the mood is fine by him. As long as I keep it online. He's been getting more than his share of hot sex and according to him, that's all he needs to know.
Do you disagree?

 

[gumby123]

WetDenise, my husband knows what I'm doing here also. He even said that in reading my posts, he might learn something new about me that I might not tell him in person. I don't know if he looks up my posts, but he can if he wants to.
I do have a couple of male friends that have quoted things I have said in my posts. It concerned me at first that they were stalking me, but now I see that I can use this to tease and confuse them.
I know who they are and they've never posted, just read my posts.

I think we could agree that cheating is defined by the rules you both set to begin with. If there were no rules, maybe you could forgive once and talk about it.

 

[WetDenise]

Thanks everyone, for adding to this thread. It's defnitely helped me define things in my mind.

 

[Clare Quilty]

BUT he says it's not cheating. WTF?? It's not? News to me. Apparently, when you have sex with someone of the same sex, it's not cheating. It's just sex. Isn't that an amazing revelation?

So I'm thinking I'm due for some hot lesbian sex. Don't you? Afterall, it's not cheating.

If you were enact your revenge by engaging in lebian sex, would you become emotionally envolved? I suspect that is the crux of the distincton that your husband is trying to foist off on you. He cheated on you physically, and far be it from me to diminish the significance of that. It is a betrayal of trust and a breach of the contract of exclusivity underpinning your marriage. More deplorably, he has engaged in behaviour that potentially places your health at risk. That having been said, I can only assume that your husband is stating implicitly that he does not consider himself gay, despite his predilection for reciprocal pole-smoking. Thus, in his eyes he hasn't betrayed you emotionally.

 

[brinkeedinkee]

My husband recently admitted to having mutual oral sex with his best friend. Okay, besides the fact that I was totally shocked (and a little turned on) that he'd have sex with another man, I'm hurt that he cheated on me.

BUT he says it's not cheating. WTF?? It's not? News to me. Apparently, when you have sex with someone of the same sex, it's not cheating. It's just sex. Isn't that an amazing revelation?

So I'm thinking I'm due for some hot lesbian sex. Don't you? Afterall, it's not cheating.

Did he leave your zip code and go to another, cuz i hear if you do that, it's not really cheating...?

haha

sry, not funny.

 

[Etoile]

Yes, it's cheating! (But anybody who knows me knows I'd say that.) Unless it is an open relationship and one or both partners have permission to see other people, then it's cheating. Monogamy means one partner. Anything else is cheating. Bullshit about "it's okay for two women" or "oral sex isn't cheating" is precisely that: bullshit.

 

[twiggy_the_spider]

yeah, it was cheating. once i slept with a girl and her boyfriend didnt get mad cuz "girls dont count" god that enraged me.

 

[Etoile]

Yikes, did you know she had a boyfriend when you slept with her? If she was cheating on him AND lying to you...that's just no good all around.

 

[twiggy_the_spider]

well, yes, i did know, so i prolly shoudlnt really have slept with her, i guess i justified it by saying i wasnt cheating and what she did was up to her . to be fair she was very unhappy with the relationship and he was manipulative and abusive but still, "girls dont count"..?!

 

[Etoile]

Ah, well, I can see how you would have felt that way. It makes sense. But yeah, the "girls don't count" is stupid in my book. I had a friend in college whose boyfriend let her sleep around with girls, and I always had to keep quiet when she would talk about that. I didn't want her to know how much I disagreed (we weren't close enough for that).

 

[south_florida_bicur]

cheating

if someone already said this then i apologize for repeating it but this is my definition on cheating and this comes from someone that has been cheated on.


cheating is when your partner does something sexually (and yes it can just be kissing) without the knowledge of the other party.

if the guy told his partner before hand that this (whatever it might be) is what he wants to do. At that point it is up to the female to accept it or not. It is still cheating but the outcome depends on the 2 people involved.

In my 2 situations where i was cheated on obviously if i knew before hand i would not have allowed it. If she still wanted to go through with it then i would have packed my bags and said enjoy and left her.


Thats my 2 cents. I know some people might agree or disagree with it.

 

[Shallkneel4u]

Interesting thread...I've participated on some bi chat boards before and was always amazed with some of the peoples beliefs in regards to what was/was not cheating, and what was or was not fair.

The same sex issue seems to be a big one, especially for women. Most of the bisexual women posting to boards seemed to think it was OK for them to sleep with another woman, and were willing to let their men sleep with other men, but would totally lose it when someone suggested the men should be allowed to pursue female partners if they so choose.

My own take:

1. If you sleep with anyone without your partner knowing about it, then it is cheating. If your bisexual, then be honest about it and communicate with your partner and search for some kind of an acceptable compromise or agreement where you can fulfill that part of your sexuality without sneaking around.

2. If you are bisexual and married to a straight partner and you want to have a lover, then you have to be willing to allow your partner to also pursue outside interests. Trying to limit them to only pursuing same sex partners is not a fair and equitable solution or compromise.

Shall

 

[Etoile]

2. If you are bisexual and married to a straight partner and you want to have a lover, then you have to be willing to allow your partner to also pursue outside interests. Trying to limit them to only pursuing same sex partners is not a fair and equitable solution or compromise.

Now that is an excellent point. Thanks for bringing it up!

 

[John Doe]

Ah, well, I can see how you would have felt that way. It makes sense. But yeah, the "girls don't count" is stupid in my book. I had a friend in college whose boyfriend let her sleep around with girls, and I always had to keep quiet when she would talk about that. I didn't want her to know how much I disagreed (we weren't close enough for that).

You don't approve of polyamory?

 

[Etoile]

You don't approve of polyamory?

That wasn't how I meant it to sound at all! What I found unfair was that he was straight, and he wasn't allowed to sleep around with other girls. So it was unfair.

 

[Shallkneel4u]

You don't approve of polyamory?

Approving of polyamory, which I do, has nothing to do with the subject of cheating o enquity in a given situation. If a man or woman wants an open relationship so that they can explore their bisexual leanings, then they have to be willing to allow their partners to have exploration, and if said part is straight, trying to limit their exploration to same sex involvements is the same as saying one partner can play while the other one cannot.

Polyamory in no way condones cheating, or having sexual partners behind your primaries back...cheating is cheating even in the world of polyamory.

Shall

 

[bi_m_4_cpls_630]

My husband recently admitted to having mutual oral sex with his best friend. Okay, besides the fact that I was totally shocked (and a little turned on) that he'd have sex with another man, I'm hurt that he cheated on me.

BUT he says it's not cheating. WTF?? It's not? News to me. Apparently, when you have sex with someone of the same sex, it's not cheating. It's just sex. Isn't that an amazing revelation?

So I'm thinking I'm due for some hot lesbian sex. Don't you? Afterall, it's not cheating.

I guess you would have to say it was cheating, but then again if you were against him having sex with a guy then maybe that is what lead up to this. I am sure if you were turned on by it, you would have been encluded........I am trying to figure out why he went behind your back to do this. either way he should have run it by you first to see what your take on it would have been

 

[Mrs.H]

Sounds to me like.............

The more, the better!

Why not find another couple to have fun with...............

Fulfill each others fantasies together.

 

[Etoile]

Re: Sounds to me like.............

The more, the better!

Why not find another couple to have fun with...............

Fulfill each others fantasies together.

Gosh, I just love it when people oversimplify these complex issues.

 

[Mrs.H]

Re: Re: Sounds to me like.............

Gosh, I just love it when people oversimplify these complex issues.

Complex?

Her husband was with a man. She wants to be with a woman.

If you CHOOSE to make it complex? That is up to you.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

isnt the bottom line cheating is when something is done without the knowing of the other party?

 

[Etoile]

Re: Re: Re: Sounds to me like.............

Complex?

Her husband was with a man. She wants to be with a woman.

If you CHOOSE to make it complex? That is up to you.

Emotions make it complex, for crying out loud, not me. Perhaps there are issues of jealousy, inadequacy, secrecy...it is complex because they're not talking about it openly. If and when they do, it could become more complex because then there would be issues of lying.

Sorry. It's just that people often say something like you did without having read an entire thread. That's what I'm used to.

 

[Etoile]

isnt the bottom line cheating is when something is done without the knowing of the other party?

Or if the other party knows, doesn't approve, and it goes on anyway.

 

[south_florida_bicur]

Or if the other party knows, doesn't approve, and it goes on anyway.

yes exactly!

 

[four]

an act is "cheating" when you engage in an activity with another that you wouldn't want your partner to hear, read, see, or in any way know about. Regardless of what that activity is. Even if its not in any way sexual, if you dont want your partner to know about it, your breaking their trust and cheating on them.

With that said, if small things like hugging or meeting a friend puts you into that category, then you have larger issues to deal with, like a lack of trust and communication.