Is my Relationship Fucked?

[JohnZee]

Hi,

I’ve been with a new GF for a couple of months now. From the word go, she’s played ‘hard to get’, driving me crazy. She only returns half the calls / text messages and *rarely* initiates contact. She always ends my calls; twice for her to get in the bath... She took 24 hrs to reply to my call the Monday after we first spent the weekend in bed (laughing and having good sex - a lovely day, to me, anyway...). This hurt. When she's with me, she's a model girlfriend - it's when we're apart the games start. I thought this behaviour would stop after a few weeks…wrong.

A couple of weeks ago, I sent her a text suggesting she was 'torturing' me when she called off our weekend together. It seemed to immediately put her on a guilt trip, whereupon she cancelled her supposed activities and came away to a hotel (at my expense) for the weekend. I had the best sex for years. This has been the only time I’ve felt any control whatsoever. However, she did say to me during the weekend, re: our relationship that, ‘I’m not making any promises’…

I know for a fact that on a couple of occasions, when she’s said she was seeing a friend, she was actually at home (she made slip ups - I do not stalk people). She said she had a stomach ache last Friday, so I couldn’t come over. I then found out she went for a curry that night! Of all the things to eat when you’ve had a stomach ache!

The bottom line is that, when a girl plays ‘hard to get’ she sends the same signal as she would do if she weren’t that interested. It’s a lose / lose situation. You’re fucked either way, right?

I thought I was falling in love. Now, after her slip ups, I feel deceived - as if she were trying to make her life and popularity appear much busier / more interesting than they are. I don’t mind that her life probably is quite normal, not the crazy social whir she makes out, and find her sexy; it’s the deception that has killed my warmth towards her.

I’m 39 and she’s 40... It’s taken me a long time to even consider she plays games as I thought this was teenage shit… On top of this, it makes me on edge when I’m with her initially, as I don’t feel wanted. I don’t think she’s ever complimented me on my talent or looks once, yet I am always telling her how sexy she is.

I made efforts for us to spend this 4-day holiday weekend together (like most 'normal' couples), only not to hear back from her. She’s now texted me (not called me - how did romance occur before text?) to say I can see her on Sun and Mon… I don’t feel like replying. She took 24 hrs to reply to me, why should I be in a hurry to reply? I reply asap usually as I don’t play games.

Is my relationship fucked?

Thanks in advance.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Have you been to her house or met any of her friends?

 

[JohnZee]

Yes. Her 'best friends' seemed really cool (only 3 so far). I've stayed at her place a few times. I met her housemate for the 1st time last week - she got upset, supposedly because my GF blew her out to hang out with me...

One added complication is that I'm between places at the moment and she can't come to mine. I will not have my own place for 2-4 weeks and feel like asking her if I can 'put the relationship on hold' until I do.

The girl you marry will not put you through this shit, right? This is too complicated.

Thanks for your help.

edit - she's into psychology in a big way and works in medicine, specialising in neuroscience.

 

[Stacers05]

Have you just thought of asking her why shes playing hard to get? If she is, maybe she will stop. If she isnt, maybe you can find out more.

Rather than think so much about it, I think you should just confront the situation!

 

[JohnZee]

Have you just thought of asking her why shes playing hard to get? If she is, maybe she will stop. If she isnt, maybe you can find out more.

Rather than think so much about it, I think you should just confront the situation!

Thanks. I pretty much did with the 'you're torturing me' text I sent her, which made her angry, but also totally changed the dynamic in the relationship - temporarily... She even cancelled her appointments to spend an entire weekend with me.

It seems to me that the only way I can gain any control will be to appear less interested in her. Trouble is, I'm an honest guy. Having said that, now I'm 99% sure she's a gamer, I am *massively* less interested in her.

BTW - her reply to my insinuation she was torturing me was, quote: "you're making out I'm mean and evil. I should warn you that I don't like long telephone conversations". However, she did call me the next afternoon. I commented on how rare it was to get called by her and how flattered I was...this didn't go down well, but at least she came away with me for the weekend.

 

[JohnZee]

Confrontation has to be subtle, I think. The 'you're torturing me' text wasn't too direct. Blatant 'why are you playing games' questions could go wrong: a) she gets pissed as I'm basically suggesting she's manipulative and controlling - b) she just *isn't* that into me... Therefore, I'm fucked either way, right?

 

[subwannabe]

She is not your girlfiriend. She has sent you obvious messages that you are only a fuckbuddy and will be treated as such. She doesn't want a relationship with you but apparently feels you are a good fuck when she is in the mood and not with someone else. If you want a real relationship then dump her. You are bound to get aids or something and then you will never have the real relationship you are looking for.

 

[coastal-boy]

don't call her for a week. If she doesn't call, you have your answer. If she doesn't call after 2 weeks...you definately have your answer.

 

[sweepthefloor]

Maybe she really doesn't like talking on the phone. Maybe she is old fashioned and doesn't call men and likes for you to pursue her instead of the other way around. I know it is weird but when I really like a man I won't call him because it feels so much better when he calls me.

I am a relationship failure so my advice is probably useless, but if I were a man and in your position: I would not call her or text for a while and see what happens. My guess is that if you are too busy for her she will suddenly be less busy and have time for you.

I know it is like a head game but you have to stuff the clingy and needy vibration you send her.

 

[wicked woman]

Sounds like she believes in 'The Rules'. That's playing hard to get.


Don't know if she considers herself your girlfriend or not but this certainly doesn't sound like she's a good match for you.

 

[McNoob]

Woah, steady on there Subwannabe, that's not the only explanation. Saying that, I guess we can't rule it out, so you should proceed with caution.

Given your ages I think it is likely she has been hurt in the past, and is trying not to fall too far too fast. You are obviously really into her, so I think from her perspective she probably feels under a lot of pressure from you.

You mentioned not being in control. Well you have to take control, if she gives it to you it isn't really control is it.

As long as you are the one chasing her she will be the one playing hard to get. How about on Sunday you tell her that you have to leave early as something else has come up. And you are not sure if you can see her Monday either. No need to tell her what, a little mystery never hurt anyone.

If she tries to persuade you to see her then maybe see her for a little bit, for your own pleasure, but don't be selfish enough to give in completely. You need to give her the chance to think about what she is missing.

If she seems happy you won't be around then I would make sure to not contact her. Either she doesn't care, or she will make the next move. Either way you learn something you need to know

Good luck

 

[sunandshadow]

I personally hate talking on the phone and find it stressful if a boyfriend wants to spend every free moment with me. For me it's because I'm an introvert, I need a few hours of alone time every day, not to mention I always have chores and other obligations I need to take care of and I find it burdensome if a guy is too clingy even if I otherwise like him a lot. I have no idea if this is the case here, just saying I'd find it irritating if a guy was anxiously calling me all the time demanding to be reassured. I wouldn't call him if he was already calling me too often. I don't even understand the comments about 'control' - a relationship is supposed to be a friendly negotiation, neither person is supposed to be in control of it. What you are supposed to control is your own mental state, including being able to entertain yourself and able to be calm and self-confident, not anxious.

 

[JohnZee]

To be honest, I think she has a lower sex drive than previous partners. For instance, this Sunday (if I do go) it'll be at her sister's place, where there's no chance of sex. There are many instances where we meet and can't screw due to circumstances. The only time I've had really good sex was when I took her to a hotel, after she 'gave' me the weekend due to my complaint about her treatment of me. I posted here about her: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=757189

What's your definition of 'clingy'? I try to call once every two days, never more than once a day. That's normal, right?

I cannot find a psychological weakness in her. I've told her about all my little quirks, but she's never confided in me and I can't see them. She comes across as confident and very emotionally independent. However, I do believe she feels guilt easily and I could potentially use this as a weapon (if I were the type).

So far, much as I don't like the idea of being alone for the weekend, I think I'm going to ignore her text and see what she does. The only problem is, as I haven't met her sister, if I don't get back to her, she can tell her sister I didn't reply, making me look like the gamer.

As I said earlier, I know she's been at home when she said she was going off to meet friends instead of seeing me. This either means she's gaming, or just needs to get away from me - not a good sign. I've put up with this for a while as, when I was with her, she was nice to be with and affectionate (if not complimentary to me). Now, I am feeling resentment towards her and am worried this will show.

Thanks again.

 

[bailadora]

Given your ages I think it is likely she has been hurt in the past, and is trying not to fall too far too fast. You are obviously really into her, so I think from her perspective she probably feels under a lot of pressure from you.

Could be. But if that's the case, then why not just come out and say so? Why all the pussyfooting around?

John - honestly, I couldn't begin to say why she's acting the way she is. But...if your instincts are pinging this insistently, I think you'd do well to heed them. Backing off and seeing what she does in the interim seems like a wise course of action. Best of luck to you. I do hope she's not playing games with you.

 

[serpentwrap]

Why don't you text her too? Text her that you need to sort yourself out. That you're getting increasingly suspicious she might be playing too hard to get (or words to this effect) and even if its paranoia on your part, you need to spend this weekend alone to sort yourself out. That way you'll be completely honest with her (and with yourself). You'll also know by her response the outcome of your suspicion. When in doubt over a relationship, be brutally honest. If it has to work out, the honesty will be appreciated in teh long run. And if it doesn't, you can always hold your head high...

Just my two bits. I went through a similar episode quite recently. I had to finally call it off.

 

[simplegirl]

our red flags and instincts exist for a reason. Personally, you really have to take a good look at what you want, and what you won't put up with and act accordingly. If you hate game-playing then stop playing and find yourself a like-minded lady who is not into games.

 

[twister947]

This falls short of my standard for a "relationship." It may be because it's all she needs/wants, or she may be dating others.

 

[CoyoteTales]

Adjustment time!

Okay. One of the things I've noticed about relationships in myself and in others is that there's a point past 21 days or so (the 'three week honeymoon period') where your relationship figures out where it's going to be, because the initial checking the person out interest has worn off and now it's either time to build on it or it fizzles.

Here's the acid/litmus test for ya, though.
In her, do you see:
1) ...her on the phone with other people? If she doesn't like phone calls, like my housemate does, being on the phone is annoying and getting off the phone is an urge that builds until it detracts from the conversation.
2) ...that she enjoys spending time with you? Right now this is a yellow flag -- you say she's a model girlfriend, and she's fine in person, but does she gravitate towards being around you when you are together, or is she constantly distracted by other things?
3) ...someone who has a dirt/grime/odor dislike? (As in, does she clean things or set things in order when you're visiting?) That might explain the bath bit. Not a bad thing, because we all have different levels of tolerance for mess...
4) ..someone who lies to other people while she's with you? (Example: Someone calls and asks what she's up to. Does she admit she's with you?)

Social anxiety disorder is something that a lot of people don't realize they have -- it causes them to avoid getting together with folks (sometimes to the point of lying about what they're doing).

Also? Some stomach problems are the kind that eating a specific kind of food (aka 'comfort food') makes them go away.

Now the harder part. I apologize in advance if this sounds offensive. Regarding you:
1) Do you have things in common with her besides sex? Because if it's just about the sex? Do not pass go, do not spend the rest of your life with her. Most of your post describes how you're having issues getting together with her (or lack thereof). You should know that the sex won't continue indefinitely, and if there's no chemistry outside the bedroom, you will be miserable in a decade or so from now.
2) You say you're between places. Why is that? Moreover, you are careful to say that you took her out for a weekend at your expense. May I be nosy and ask what your financial situation is like? Because if you are in a bit of a financial bind, as so many people are these days, maybe her friends/family are warning her off of you, and in doing so, coloring her perception of you.
3) Do you -want- to be in control of the relationship? Does it bother you that much that she controls how often you see each other? Whether or not 'time well spent' requires that you end up in bed together? You talk about how you have the best sex with her, but what does she say about you and your bedroom skills?

I only know what I've been reading of you in your post, and I believe you are genuine in your thoughts and feelings and want for assistance. But if I were in her shoes, you would be setting off some of my warning flags -- and I'm a guy.

Your best bet, sir, is to talk to her. You're at the point where this is driving you(r) nuts and if you don't explain what you just explained to us to her directly, it's going to build up until it turns into a giant sized fight in a parking lot somewhere. Right now you're playing the same game -- cutting off contact and cancelling plans -- and revenge in relationships is a lose-lose situation.

If you really want to save this particular relationship, you need to a) talk to her frankly, win or lose b) be willing to listen to what she has to say, and -believe- her reasons if she has some for being how she is. Better to find out now directly instead of being a 'gamer' yourself to see how she responds...

Again, please understand I'm trying to help you, not flame ya. Good luck.

-CT.

 

[JohnZee]

Why don't you text her too? Text her that you need to sort yourself out. That you're getting increasingly suspicious she might be playing too hard to get (or words to this effect) and even if its paranoia on your part, you need to spend this weekend alone to sort yourself out. That way you'll be completely honest with her (and with yourself). You'll also know by her response the outcome of your suspicion. When in doubt over a relationship, be brutally honest. If it has to work out, the honesty will be appreciated in teh long run. And if it doesn't, you can always hold your head high...

Just my two bits. I went through a similar episode quite recently. I had to finally call it off.

Update: I took the Serpent's advice and sent a text in reply to her offer of staying on the floor at her sister's place for one night. Text read: "Hi **** - Thanks for the offer, but I need some time on my own to figure some things out. Have a good weekend. John" (I usually put xx at the end of a text).

Rather than the 24hrs she took over my last text, 5 minutes later she calls... I didn't pick up. She leaves the following message: "Hi John, I've obviously upset you. Please give me a call when you have a moment".

I don't feel like communicating with her today. I might speak to her tomorrow... Not sure which way to turn. I, to my great regret, am a romantic idealist. This relationship, even though she ticks my boxes, isn't to my satisfaction and unless a means of improving it becomes apparent, I need to get out for my own sanity.

Thanks to all of you - this place can be really useful sometimes. Don't be afraid to give it to me straight, or offend me - it could be what I need.

 

[JohnZee]

Okay. One of the things I've noticed about relationships in myself and in others is that there's a point past 21 days or so (the 'three week honeymoon period') where your relationship figures out where it's going to be, because the initial checking the person out interest has worn off and now it's either time to build on it or it fizzles.

Here's the acid/litmus test for ya, though.
In her, do you see:
1) ...her on the phone with other people? If she doesn't like phone calls, like my housemate does, being on the phone is annoying and getting off the phone is an urge that builds until it detracts from the conversation.
2) ...that she enjoys spending time with you? Right now this is a yellow flag -- you say she's a model girlfriend, and she's fine in person, but does she gravitate towards being around you when you are together, or is she constantly distracted by other things?
3) ...someone who has a dirt/grime/odor dislike? (As in, does she clean things or set things in order when you're visiting?) That might explain the bath bit. Not a bad thing, because we all have different levels of tolerance for mess...
4) ..someone who lies to other people while she's with you? (Example: Someone calls and asks what she's up to. Does she admit she's with you?)

Social anxiety disorder is something that a lot of people don't realize they have -- it causes them to avoid getting together with folks (sometimes to the point of lying about what they're doing).

Also? Some stomach problems are the kind that eating a specific kind of food (aka 'comfort food') makes them go away.

Now the harder part. I apologize in advance if this sounds offensive. Regarding you:
1) Do you have things in common with her besides sex? Because if it's just about the sex? Do not pass go, do not spend the rest of your life with her. Most of your post describes how you're having issues getting together with her (or lack thereof). You should know that the sex won't continue indefinitely, and if there's no chemistry outside the bedroom, you will be miserable in a decade or so from now.
2) You say you're between places. Why is that? Moreover, you are careful to say that you took her out for a weekend at your expense. May I be nosy and ask what your financial situation is like? Because if you are in a bit of a financial bind, as so many people are these days, maybe her friends/family are warning her off of you, and in doing so, coloring her perception of you.
3) Do you -want- to be in control of the relationship? Does it bother you that much that she controls how often you see each other? Whether or not 'time well spent' requires that you end up in bed together? You talk about how you have the best sex with her, but what does she say about you and your bedroom skills?

I only know what I've been reading of you in your post, and I believe you are genuine in your thoughts and feelings and want for assistance. But if I were in her shoes, you would be setting off some of my warning flags -- and I'm a guy.

Your best bet, sir, is to talk to her. You're at the point where this is driving you(r) nuts and if you don't explain what you just explained to us to her directly, it's going to build up until it turns into a giant sized fight in a parking lot somewhere. Right now you're playing the same game -- cutting off contact and cancelling plans -- and revenge in relationships is a lose-lose situation.

If you really want to save this particular relationship, you need to a) talk to her frankly, win or lose b) be willing to listen to what she has to say, and -believe- her reasons if she has some for being how she is. Better to find out now directly instead of being a 'gamer' yourself to see how she responds...

Again, please understand I'm trying to help you, not flame ya. Good luck.

-CT.

Hi CT,

Thanks for taking the time to put together such a well-crafted post. To be honest, I don't think too many of the scenarios are applicable. She's brutally honest about when she's cum and when she hasn't. I posted a link about her in the sack earlier.

For the record, I have my own company and have spent thousands wining and dining this girl. I am moving to a new place and living in temporary residence. This puts strain on the relationship, but money is not an issue. That said, I have to be honest and say I'd rather not spend more on a dead end relationship. She usually offers to pay, so she's not taking me for a ride there.

I think I need to talk to her in person, not via the phone. She is fine over the phone and we have a great laugh. I do suspect that, unless it's to do with getting hot ear syndrome, she ends phone chats as part of her game.

Also, she's introduced me to her best friends, and was planning on introducing me to her sister this weekend - that's not the point. My point is that the situation falls below my benchmark of a satisfying relationship, for whatever reason. It's make or break time.

Thanks again.

 

[CoyoteTales]

Thank you for clarifying that -- and yeah. Romantic idealism is one of the hardest roads to travel, speaking from personal experience in that sense. No matter what, though, if you aren't happy, you're young enough and ambitious enough to move on if it comes to that, and the best suggestion I can give is that you keep an open mind. Why? Because a woman who introduces you to her best friends and sister isn't afraid to claim you as her relationship* -- meaning this could be a perceptive misunderstanding still, but the point is not whether she claims you, but rather if you're good being with her.

I wish ya the best of luck this weekend.

-CT

* One of my first girlfriends told me that her first boyfriend refused to introduce her to his parents. On the other paw, someone she considered a friend introduced her to his parents, and when his mom started giving her the 'this is what to do or don't do around him', she found out that he had introduced her as his girlfriend-relationship behind her back. So your mileage may vary on this one.

 

[coastal-boy]

My point is that the situation falls below my benchmark of a satisfying relationship, for whatever reason. It's make or break time.

Thanks again.

this says so much and it isn't a criticism of her or you.

 

[twister947]

Update: I took the Serpent's advice and sent a text in reply to her offer of staying on the floor at her sister's place for one night. Text read: "Hi **** - Thanks for the offer, but I need some time on my own to figure some things out. Have a good weekend. John" (I usually put xx at the end of a text).

Rather than the 24hrs she took over my last text, 5 minutes later she calls... I didn't pick up. She leaves the following message: "Hi John, I've obviously upset you. Please give me a call when you have a moment".

I don't feel like communicating with her today. I might speak to her tomorrow... Not sure which way to turn. I, to my great regret, am a romantic idealist. This relationship, even though she ticks my boxes, isn't to my satisfaction and unless a means of improving it becomes apparent, I need to get out for my own sanity.

Thanks to all of you - this place can be really useful sometimes. Don't be afraid to give it to me straight, or offend me - it could be what I need.

Fair enough.

Her failure to return calls is poor form, and if it's indeed a game she's playing, very self-absorbed and immature. Don't diminish yourself by going there, too.

 

[subwannabe]

I still see the need to be blunt here. This relationship is obviously not making you happy and it is not going to improve no matter what you do. A good relationship is a two way street and this street is only going one way. That's why dating was invented. You date, if it doesn't work out and make you happy, then you move on to the next one. Occasionally the first one works out, maybe not until the 5th, 10th, or 15th, sometimes never at all. What's that old saying? It's useless to beat a dead horse? This one is dead but if you're just interested in sex until you find someone else then get whatever you can out of what you've got.

 

[JohnZee]

Some other background info:

My birthday (40th...) is next week. I'm having a party and was planning on spending the weekend in a luxury hotel with her. Because it falls in the middle of the week, she wasn't sure when the party / hotel would be. When I discussed it with her, she opened up her calendar on the kitchen wall...she said, 'yeah, that's ok, I'm free that weekend, but I'm seeing *** the next'. Can you believe that?

I wasn't planning on raising any issues with her until after the b/day weekend, but I just couldn't hold back, considering her attitude re: this weekend. Most 'couples' are hanging out, this holiday weekend. I have to make do with waiting 24 hrs for her to return text, to find out there's an 'option' for me to sleep on the floor at her sister's for one night.

What say I forward her this thread?