Is there anyone awake or sober enough....

[SylphOne]

submit it

Well as a chronic insomniac i have to say this poem truly speaks to me (notes time of post, arghh).
U should definitly consider submitting it. Your words capture my torturous and tumultuous relationship with the ever elusive sleep demon

As for the stealthily question I don't know if you are still looking for advice/opinions, but i suggest 'insidiously'

Love it as is though

 

[impressive]

....to help me with poetry?


I'd post at the poetry board, but I'm chicken. (brok brok)

I need help with this poem:


Reluctant Lovers

We embrace as reluctant lovers,
Insomnia and me.
Three kisses, alternating cheeks,
Like the Nederlanders do.
We do not sit and have a glass of wine,
Nor do we discuss the day’s events
–He simply waits out the night
While I play silent sycophant.

I wish that I could slide down his body
And suck his cock,
Seduce him into surrendering that for which I seek:
Sleep.

But he keeps me waiting;
-He always does-
Until, at the last possible moment
Just before my sanity slips away,
He fucks me stealthily
Until I am the one surrendering,
Until I am the one who fades reluctantly
Before the coming of the day.


* * * * * * * *
I have problems with the word "stealthily", but can't think of a better way to say it. He sneaks up on me, you see, and finally gives me what I seek. Gives it to me in such a way, that in the end I'm fighting it to stay awake. Is there a word that conveys all that?

The other thing I'm worried about is the use of "until" THREE times in the last stanza.

Is there a better way to say it?

Does it matter that I am repetitive?


Muchos gracias allemaal.

First off, I think the analogy between sleep/insomnia and a lover just rocks!

Secondly, I understand your reticence about posting in the poetry forum, but there really are some wonderfully skilled and helpful folks over there (and some who are willing to assist via PM or e-mail if open posting is too intimidating).

Now, to the poem itself ... if you still want opinions, PM me and I'll be happy to provide my dime's worth.

 

[Liar]

....to help me with poetry?


I'd post at the poetry board, but I'm chicken. (brok brok)
***

I have problems with the word "stealthily", but can't think of a better way to say it. He sneaks up on me, you see, and finally gives me what I seek. Gives it to me in such a way, that in the end I'm fighting it to stay awake. Is there a word that conveys all that?

The other thing I'm worried about is the use of "until" THREE times in the last stanza.

Is there a better way to say it?

Does it matter that I am repetitive?


Muchos gracias allemaal.

Are we really that scary?

I'll have to toss "stealthily" around a little bit. I think it sounds good, but it dosn't nessecarily convey what you want to describe to the reader.

Good poem nonetheless, like Imp said, a fresh metaphor exlpored in a thorough way. That's a good way to go about writing poetry IMO.

I think the repitiion is a good thing where you have it. Any device can be used as long as it's not overused, and serving us a threesome of "until" in the end is a good way to tie the poem together and mark the end of it.

It is possible that I would have skipped the first "until" and added another closer to the last two, for symmetry. Something like this:

But he keeps me waiting;
He always does.
At the last possible moment,
Just before my sanity slips away, (if you skip "away" here, you can use it further down without making it sound like repetition)
He fucks me stealthily
Until I am the one surrendering,
Until I am the one who fades reluctantly (I would skip "reluctantly", I think that is clearly implies that anyway)
Until I drift away (or something noy quite as corny. )
Before the coming of the day.​

Oh, and one last thing...and this is just my opinion and sometihng some poets disagree with...don't start every line with a capital letter (unless it is a new sentence, of course). It makes me pause and think "Did I miss something?"

 

[McKenna]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their helpful and friendly advice. I do appreciate it!

I'm undecided about submitting the poem, but at least now I have some feedback on how to give it some spit and polish.

Thank you!

 

[gauchecritic]

I have problems with the word "stealthily", but can't think of a better way to say it. He sneaks up on me, you see, and finally gives me what I seek. Gives it to me in such a way, that in the end I'm fighting it to stay awake. Is there a word that conveys all that?

The other thing I'm worried about is the use of "until" THREE times in the last stanza.

Is there a better way to say it?

Does it matter that I am repetitive?

The repetition doesn't matter, in fact, particularly in public speaking, if you are going to repeat then repeat 3 times. (according to the wholly book of Antioch "The number of the repetition shall be three. It shall not be two, except that thou then goest on to three, and four is right out.")

The word that conveys some of what you seek could be 'ignominous' defined as "marked by shame or disgrace" which is what I took from your context. But ignominiously is a fucker of a word to include in anything.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their helpful and friendly advice. I do appreciate it!

I'm undecided about submitting the poem, but at least now I have some feedback on how to give it some spit and polish.

Thank you!

SUBMIT!

Next time I won't be so subtle.

 

[McKenna]

Did somebody hear something?

I think I heard a mouse squeak, or something.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Did somebody hear something?

I think I heard a mouse squeak, or something.

Nice try.

You're not getting off that easy.

 

[McKenna]

Nice try.

You're not getting off that easy.

Scary words coming from a Disney character.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Scary words coming from a Disney character.

Scarier because they modeled her after me.

 

[Liar]

Did somebody hear something?

I think I heard a mouse squeak, or something.

Ya want to join in on the chorus? Even without any editing, it runs laps around alot of the poetry here on Lit.

 

[McKenna]

Ya want to join in on the chorus? Even without any editing, it runs laps around alot of the poetry here on Lit.

 

[Belegon]

Scary words coming from a Disney character.

personally, that big cat from the early Mickey Mouse cartoons still scares me...

You know my opinion, McK....I'm always looking for you to show me more I can comment on...

 

[CharleyH]

....to help me with poetry?


I'd post at the poetry board, but I'm chicken. (brok brok)

I need help with this poem:


Reluctant Lovers

We embrace as reluctant lovers,
Insomnia and me.
Three kisses, alternating cheeks,
Like the Nederlanders do.
We do not sit and have a glass of wine,
Nor do we discuss the day’s events
–He simply waits out the night
While I play silent sycophant.

I wish that I could slide down his body
And suck his cock,
Seduce him into surrendering that for which I seek:
Sleep.

But he keeps me waiting;
-He always does-
Until, at the last possible moment
Just before my sanity slips away,
He fucks me stealthily
Until I am the one surrendering,
Until I am the one who fades reluctantly
Before the coming of the day.


* * * * * * * *
I have problems with the word "stealthily", but can't think of a better way to say it. He sneaks up on me, you see, and finally gives me what I seek. Gives it to me in such a way, that in the end I'm fighting it to stay awake. Is there a word that conveys all that?

The other thing I'm worried about is the use of "until" THREE times in the last stanza.

Is there a better way to say it?

Does it matter that I am repetitive?


Muchos gracias allemaal.

Repetition could be good. I can't give you a reading tonight, but I do note many loose symbols and metaphors that could make you think about meaning in a poem. If you want my kind of ... analysis, then send it to me, and I will by Friday.

PS. Liar, Bel. Min, Rem, Lauren and I are apart of the poetry board? What's to fear?

 

[RhymeFairy]

Bump~

PS. Liar, Bel. Min, Rem, Lauren and I are apart of the poetry board? What's to fear?

Hehehehehe yeah,

what's to fear ... ?

(she ask with knees shakin, biting fingernails, doin tha peepee dance ... )

 

[lilolvintner]

Try this?

....to help me with poetry?


I'd post at the poetry board, but I'm chicken. (brok brok)

I need help with this poem:


Reluctant Lovers

Here's an alternative to:

He fucks me stealthily
Until I am the one surrendering,
Until I am the one who fades reluctantly
Before the coming of the day.

* * * * * * * *
He fucks me surreptitiously
until I surrender,
and fade reluctantly.

not better than yours, but different.

 

[Stella_Omega]

My suggestion is;

He fucks me subtly


What you want is an adjective that says that what he's doing to your body doesn't disturb it- letting you fade off during theact. Stealthy would mean no one else notices- and ou do, that's what fucking is all about after all

and the long line there in the middle-
Seduce him into surrendering that for which I seek:
could be shortened to
till he surrenders that for which I seek


Funny how sleep deprivation can turn you into a poet!