Kinky people in vanilla marriages

[Lady2020]

I tend to think that most people who marry don't understand sexual desires.

 

[Wishingbox]

I tend to think that most people who marry don't understand sexual desires.

I don’t know if I agree with that. I think most people don’t understand their own sexual desires, or have healthy ways of communicating with their partners before marriage and think it will work out. I’ve learned soooo much about myself and my wife over 14+ years. We’re far better at communicating but are still not on the same page.

Not everyone will truly knows how much they can endure or want in the sexual space until its a problem.

 

[Wishingbox]

Hi, I love the content of this topic. Im very open, not sure if kinky is word, but open to try anything. My wife is vanilla, like you, occassionally likes facesitting in right mood, we use her toys often, and always she loves oral, but thats about it. I have met several couples for MMF and MFM play, it was senstational. Joining these married couples was a fantasy come true. I wish my wife would allow another couple or guy to join us. As I said, Im very open.

Any Aussies, especially, say hi.

Does your wife know about the MMF and MFM encounters that you’ve been in? Did she support/allow them?

 

[Condecito]

I have a question to

Hi, I love the content of this topic. Im very open, not sure if kinky is word, but open to try anything. My wife is vanilla, like you, occassionally likes facesitting in right mood, we use her toys often, and always she loves oral, but thats about it. I have met several couples for MMF and MFM play, it was senstational. Joining these married couples was a fantasy come true. I wish my wife would allow another couple or guy to join us. As I said, Im very open.

Any Aussies, especially, say hi.

It has not been easy (in fact, it has been impossible) for my wife and me to find a proper couple, single man or woman to experiment. Either were not attractive, or were looking for something more advanced or fast evolving than we wanted. Some months ago, we gave up searching.

We tried obviously in internet, many different portals. We meet a certain amount of people. We went once to a swingers' club, but again: everything too straight forward, not interested.

How did you find your encounters? We may be a bit vanilla for that, since we don't want at this point to share more than the presence of others and see how comfortable we feel. If so, things will happen naturally, or just nothing will happen.

Thank you

 

[Tayloroc]

I'm sure people have asked this before, but how do kinky people deal with (happy) vanilla relationships? I've talked with my wife about my subby desires and she's accommodated some of them (facesitting, a little crossdressing, dildo fun). But it's pretty clear that as far as she will go. We have a great sex life and I don't want to push her to do something she doesn't want. But I'm really craving exploring this more. Sometimes I do things that are harmless (I think) like looking at porn, sometimes stuff that isn't (like chatting with people online without my wife's permission -- yes, I've done it here). I would never do this IRL without her explicit OK. Do people have any advice? I have a little subby experience from before this relationship, mostly with men (I'm bisexual), and I really enjoyed it (yes, she knows that I am bi). My first priority is our relationship.

I understand exactly what you’re going through. You’re lucky she gives you some freedom. My spouse would faint so I have to hide everything. Would be nice to have someone to chat to about this

 

[tonyreid]

I am very lucky that my wife is as kinky if not more so than me . We actually met via this site 15 years ago and life is wonderful

 

[SPARTAN047]

I've had sex partners who don't understand or like kink and role play. I honestly DK what to do there.

It's possible to hide your desires for a long time, use porn and fantasies to keep yourself happy, but it may not last forever.

 

[newhere2learn]

I tend to think that most people who marry don't understand sexual desires.

Inclined to agree. I've now been dating 20years, married for 10years.

Last 3 long term partners, including my wife on a different page to me. Kink wasn't discussed, wasn't on their agenda.

If they did want some mild s&m, or maybe anal, it wasn't vocalised.


Meanwhile I've been active on here since my late teens and on FL as long.

 

[lowcollar]

Since I am monogamous, this would eventually really become a problem.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Inclined to agree. I've now been dating 20years, married for 10years.

Last 3 long term partners, including my wife on a different page to me. Kink wasn't discussed, wasn't on their agenda.

If they did want some mild s&m, or maybe anal, it wasn't vocalised.


Meanwhile I've been active on here since my late teens and on FL as long.

I agree, very common when you meet people early in life and you din’t really know much about what it is you want or what might be possible.

It seems that it would be worth funding out if there is common ground early in the relationship, if you already know it is important to you though.
Is there a reason why you don’t bring it up?

 

[Deepdesrp]

This is similar to my discussions in the sexless marriage thread. Although I do have some sex and intimate moments still they are few and far.

I am sooo kinky now ready to try all sorts. I had in the past a slight glimmer but only to be shit straight down again.

Unfortunately marriage followed by kids followed by the onset of menopause has stopped the thought of any more daring stuff,

In the past she has found she loves me rimming her ass. Liked me exploring a bit. But now she doesn’t even seem to have any needs - and any sex talk turns her off soooo much.

But will endeavour to keep trying,

 

[newhere2learn]

I agree, very common when you meet people early in life and you din’t really know much about what it is you want or what might be possible.

It seems that it would be worth funding out if there is common ground early in the relationship, if you already know it is important to you though.
Is there a reason why you don’t bring it up?

Current on/off partner isn't that long, so there's time to ditch and change.

 

[silky52]

Very interesting thread. Have been married for 47 years. We were quite young by today's standards. In the beginning he wasn't as experienced as I was. I showed him a few things, nothing too kinky, he liked them! Fast-forward having kids, etc, years gone by, illness, etc. Over 10 years without any sex! How that happened I have no idea. Partly me, partly him, not sure. In the last few years I made a decision that I needed more than just reading erotic stories, which I had been doing for years. So I began to chat. Someone I was chatting to talked me into trying to communicate with him. Okay, now the problem is he has prostate issues, low testosterone, boredom who the hell knows! I for years thought that he just didn't fancy me anymore, and who could blame him, getting old isn't pleasant, getting fat isn't pleasant, not being able to do what one did when younger isn't pleasant!

He promised to try, however he said when I asked him about the things we did when we were younger, "I am not interested in that sort of thing anymore." Okay, what can you say to that, can't force him. So, now and then I get crumbs. Sometimes it's better I think due to viagra type tablets, then there are times when I think I'm going to get lucky, and he goes back to sleep. Oh, these encounters are always in the middle of the night, in the dark, but again I'm okay with that, it's better than nothing.

So, I admit I did have an online FWB, who I was fascinated with, we even met for a few days in 2022. Of course, these things are transient, so that finished not long after the meet. Now I have another FWB, but only online. He's up for quite a few things and we have a lot of fun. I don't see it as cheating, actually I see it as being cheated! I was up front with him before we got married and he knew what I was like! But that's life, and here we all are on lit. So what can you do when your partner is not into it? Say thank g-d for the internet. I don't have the courage to go out and go to kinky or swinger type clubs, too old for a start, and too fat for another thing lol. Also too old to leave, and what I'm gonna leave the best man I ever met because of a bit of kink, no way. Maybe if I come back again to this world as a human being I'll get my kink then lol.

Have fun guys, life is too short!!!

 

[darkride]

I am envious of people who find a partner that they are 100% open and honest and compatible with, who enjoy the same things, who understand each other's needs and desires and both get out as much as they put in and live happily ever after.

In reality - I doubt there's a massive amount of people in that situation...

 

[Morning_mist]

For some reason, perhaps understood only by those nymphs inhabiting the more poorly illuminated areas of my psyche and seem the likely instigators of such random thought, I am reminded in the reading of this 'thread' of lyrics from an older Paul Simon song which both laments and celebrates that reality cannot match sweet imagination. My apologies if such thoughts seem off topic.

 

[ReallyRandyReader]

reality cannot match sweet imagination

I like that turn of phrase

 

[Uncut1969]

That’s me vanilla wife ! When is is in mood witch isn’t very often! Had a black girlfriend before her and she was wild and squirted it was amazing I miss it! Have tryed to get a little freakne

 

[Honeypotlover]

My kink really only developed in the last few years. My very conservative wife likes nothing about my kinks (I’m submissive) and, yes, we’ve spoken about it. I have had to get my punishment elsewhere in the past and will no doubt have to do so again in the future. It’s like being in a cage with no reason. At least my chastity was in service of someone who desired it of me. For now, without a dom, I need to just pretend again!!

 

[Erosfan]

I am envious of people who find a partner that they are 100% open and honest and compatible with, who enjoy the same things, who understand each other's needs and desires and both get out as much as they put in and live happily ever after.

In reality - I doubt there's a massive amount of people in that situation...

I am lucky to have had a wonderful, compatible marriage with my late wife. She wasn't vanilla, she loved sex and we could talk about everything to do with it. I have had a CFNM kink for a very long time. We discussed this and she was quite willing to listen and share her thoughts. She worked to make some of my fantasies come true and those were amazing experiences. She made sure I was seen in various situations and was always alert to keep us out of trouble. She would never consent to inviting a friend or two to enjoy her control over me. She did go so far as to suggest a friend or relative she might consider to share my kink with. We just never went there.
All good though, as I have a lifetime of the most amazing experiences with her.

 

[Goldenfinger]

What about two kinky people that are afraid to talk about it so the live vanilla.

 

[seekingAlpha]

I have had numerous partners that were married women that wanted to experience and explore BDSM that could not do so in their marriage for one reason or another. This happens quite frequently when there are significant mismatches regarding a couple's kinks.

 

[Britva415]

What about two kinky people that are afraid to talk about it so the live vanilla.

If they can't even broach the subject with each other, they definitely don't have good enough communication to act on their kinks with each other yet.

Vanilla is all they can handle.

 

[Shannara10]

She has tried a few things I want to try but I don't share the more daring/kinky things because I know she won't go for them.

How do you know she won't go for them? I'm big into communication. If you go to her and something like I'd like to talk to you about some of my kinky ideas. I'd like for you to listen first and then you can respond when I'm done. I maybe wouldn't start out with the kinkiest thing.

That's kind of how hubby told me about his desire to CD---he used snap chat because he was embarrassed and thought I wouldn't accept it.

He was shocked when I started helping him search for lingerie and it made me hot! He told me he thought I would not agree, not respect him, etc. He was wrong.

 

[Darkrhytm]

I am not sure why anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone where you cannot be open about anything, including all your desires. Being listened to and heard, exploring together, etc is the fun in life. I personally do not engage or continue relationships where there is that incongruity.

 

[Bisexguy70]

How do you know she won't go for them? I'm big into communication. If you go to her and something like I'd like to talk to you about some of my kinky ideas. I'd like for you to listen first and then you can respond when I'm done. I maybe wouldn't start out with the kinkiest thing.

That's kind of how hubby told me about his desire to CD---he used snap chat because he was embarrassed and thought I wouldn't accept it.

He was shocked when I started helping him search for lingerie and it made me hot! He told me he thought I would not agree, not respect him, etc. He was wrong.

Your very lucky…well hes lucky. I communicated my desire to crossdress and showed her one time by surprising her and She was repulsed. Shes never been open to anything kinky.