Ladies, Help a Guy Out

[bailadora]

IIf she wants to receive oral she should be willing to give oral.

By the same token, if he wanted to give anal, he should be willing to receive. It's quid pro quo. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

[bailadora]

For those interested:

the difference between sexual orientation and sexual behavior:

Sexual orientation is the affectional or loving attraction to another person. It can be considered as ranging along a continuum from same-sex attraction only at one end of the continuum to opposite-sex attraction only at the other end.

Sexual behavior, or sexual activity, differs from sexual orientation and alone does not define someone as an LGBT individual. Any person may be capable of sexual behavior with a person of the same or opposite sex, but an individual knows his or her longings—erotic and affectional—and which sex is more likely to satisfy those needs.

It is necessary to draw a distinction between sexual orientation and sexual behavior. Not every person with a homosexual or bisexual orientation is sexually active. A person’s sexual orientation does not tell us if she/he is sexually active nor does it define her/his specific sexual behaviors.

Full article found here.

 

[infinity706]

Then let him fill your PM box and leave 'em off the boards. My retinas are scarred for life.

Women can have cocks, albeit synthetic ones. Why the need to specify?

I hope Wyld does come back. Given that no one here knows zip about the relationship outside of what the OP has told us, I'm genuinely puzzled as to why she's automatically classified as a selfish bitch.

A strap on is quite a bit different than a real cock. As much as I like them, ( I have 3 in my toybox) it's a poor comparison. They compare much more closely to fingering in both texture/hardness and feeling of the penetrating partner. I can say that with confidence, having a real penis to compare with. (I use a strap on for double penetration or in the event that I can't get it up for whatever reason )

 

[jadefirefly]

Apples, oranges, feckin' bananas for all I care.

The anal sex comparison was DELIBERATELY chosen to click in the OP's mind. He needed to stop being a selfish ass and THINK for a moment -- what if his girlfriend wanted to do something to him that he REALLY did not want to do?

Perhaps the OP enjoys anal. That's fine, too. The example still works, because it's taking the situation and putting it into the context of something that is -much- less "expected" of a partner.

The trouble with the OPs post was that he was thinking entirely about what he got out of the matter; he was being selfish. He needed to be given a reason to stop, think about someone other than himself for 30 seconds, and - wait for it - TALK TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.

I'm not even going to touch this bs about sexual behaviors 'belonging' to certain orientations.

 

[cebalrai]

I had a gf a while back that wouldn't give oral. She eventually disclosed that it was because she was sexually abused in a way that included forcing her to perform oral sex.

 

[bailadora]

I'm not even going to touch this bs about sexual behaviors 'belonging' to certain orientations.

I probably already beat that horse to death. *laughs*

 

[cumman]

Thank you so far for everyone who has posted. Basically, everyone is saying talk to her. That is a problem also. I have tried and she just won't talk about it. I have told her I will listen to whatever she has to say. She just keeps saying forget it and walks away. It almost seems as though she would rather break up then just talk to me.

The other part that bugs me a little is how she acts. I am a giving person and will do just about anything as long as you give a little back. The first time we had any kind of sex at all, she basically pulled her panties down threw me on the bed and shoved her pussy in my mouth until she was squirting all over my face. Like I said, this wasn't a problem. I just expected a little giving back to me. Of course that didn't happen and she just walks out when I try to talk to her about it.

As for the avatar, no that is not of my current girlfriend. And right about now I'd love to make a new one with you Ariel. I guess that is if I don't straighten this whole thing out.

 

[infinity706]

Well, it would be useful to get the other side of the story, but if what you're saying is accurate, I would have dumped the bitch. This is coming from a guy that's given no strings attached blowjobs/cunt licking to double digits worth of people as a reward.

 

[bailadora]

The thing that raises a red flag in my mind is her unwillingness to discuss the issue. Is she like this soley when it comes to sexual issues or does it pertain to other areas of your relationship? If the former, maybe you can work it out with her. If the latter, I'm thinking Run, Forrest, Run!

Sometimes it can be hard to talk about things pertaining to sex. I know there have been times when I wanted to discuss things with my husband but was too scared to verbalize them. So I wrote a letter. It helped me organize my thoughts and lay things out in a logical mannr without all the heightened emotion.

I think you need to ask yourself if you are prepared to leave her over this situation. If so, she needs to know so she can then figure out what she wants to do from here. If she cares about you and preserving your relationship, she's going to find a way to communicate her reasons for her aversion. If she doesn't, then it seems to me she's not as committed to you as you are to her. But be forewarned - if you throw that ultimatum out there, you'd better be prepared to follow through. Best of luck to you.

 

[Shadowann2]

Well, it would be useful to get the other side of the story, but if what you're saying is accurate, I would have dumped the bitch. This is coming from a guy that's given no strings attached blowjobs/cunt licking to double digits worth of people as a reward.

I have to say, I agree, to a point. Her unwillingness to even talk about this indicates that there is something wrong here. Blow job subject matter aside, she is unwilling to communicate with him about something that is important to him. That is a huge red flag in a relationship. I say he should try again, and if she still responds by walking away, move on. If she reacts this way about one issue, it's likely that she will about other things down the road. Don't waste your time with someone who refuses to communicate about things that are important to you.

 

[ketalia]

Well, that's what I get for leaving images turned on.

Yup, I'm gonna go fix that right now, too.

 

[your_vice]

Thank you so far for everyone who has posted. Basically, everyone is saying talk to her. That is a problem also. I have tried and she just won't talk about it. I have told her I will listen to whatever she has to say. She just keeps saying forget it and walks away. It almost seems as though she would rather break up then just talk to me.

The other part that bugs me a little is how she acts. I am a giving person and will do just about anything as long as you give a little back. The first time we had any kind of sex at all, she basically pulled her panties down threw me on the bed and shoved her pussy in my mouth until she was squirting all over my face. Like I said, this wasn't a problem. I just expected a little giving back to me. Of course that didn't happen and she just walks out when I try to talk to her about it.

Sounds to me like she might be more comfortable about sex acts that she's in control of. That and her reluctance to discuss this suggest she may well have bad experiences with oral in the past. It could be that her ex was inconsiderate and tried to throat-fuck her but your worst case scenario here is that a family member throat-fucked her when she was a kid. Some women really believe that men can't hold themselves back once they're aroused, that they become feral and cease caring about the woman's pleasure. Many guys even encourage that belief in order to excuse their being selfish assholes.

I can understand you're frustrated but if this issue stems from a serious negative sexual experience then you need to accept that it's not going to be overcome any time soon. At this point, she may just feel that you're more concerned about getting head than about what might be going on in hers. I suggest you drop the broken-record approach about oral sex because it sounds like it immediately puts her on the defensive. At its core, this is a trust issue because something is bothering her and she won't tell you what.

If you discover there are no bad-oral-experience-skeletons in the closet, there are other ways to suggest compromise. You could wear a condom for oral or wash thoroughly before she goes down on you. After a long day, the genital area is often somewhat armpit-esque and she may simply find that distasteful. Based on the fact she's happier when in control, I'd suggest solemnly vowing not to cum in her mouth or fuck it (baby steps hon) and be passive if she agrees to try it. Once she knows she can trust you to respect whatever she's able to deal with, you might yet progress even further. If giving oral triggers traumatic memories for her though, it might well remain off the table. Giving head without anything else going on leaves a woman alone in her own head and it would be easy for bad memories to surface (assuming they're there) so you should remember to give her lots of positive, gentle feedback, keep talking to her and keep her mind in the moment, with you.

Just my tuppence anyway.

 

[cumman]

Thanks your_vice for the advice. I tried to talk to her again and to her we had to talk if she wanted our relationship to last. She told me to come over to her house. Everything I planned backfired a little. When I got over than rather than talking, she told me to follow her then she ended up giving me a blow job. I almost told her to stop because I know we need to talk, but I am a guy. I warned her I when I was going to cum as some of you thought she didn't want me to cum in her mouth but she kept going until I finished.

She still avoided the conversation as she had to go help her sister with something or that's the excuse she gave me. Even though she did what I wanted I almost feel weird now because I feel like she didn't want to do it but did only because it shut me up and stopped us from talking about the problem. Any further suggestions?

 

[infinity706]

So, is this just a problem with blowjobs or a general trend, though? If it's an isolated issue, I wouldn't be surprised if she starts liking it more if she continues choosing to do it. Of course, if dodging issues is something that happens in general, then, you have a problem.

 

[Cathleen]

Perhaps this is as simple as her not liking to give oral. Period. End of thought.

Just because you give her oral (and I assume you enjoy it or you wouldn't do it, right?) doesn't mean she enjoys the act of giving. When I was younger giving oral was uncomfortable for me, did that mean I was selfish or a bitch for not returning the "favor?" Should he have "cut me off" or dump me because of that? If you enjoy giving her oral why isn't that enough? Why do you feel she's obligated to enjoy giving the same? (The 'you' is the general you, meaning all of us.)

I don't get why everyone is jumping on anal this, strap on that, dump the bitch, cut her off...blah, blah, blah.

Say I don't like chocolate (HA!) and he does, would that mean I have to eat chocolate just because he did? Do we all enjoy every sexual activity? Where is the tolerance for differences here? Where is the giving for the sheer want to give pleasure? I want to give pleasure, first and foremost. In fact there are time that my orgasm isn't necessary or at times wanted. The pleasure of giving is gift enough, I think we've all said/heard that right?

I don't think or feel that sex is akin to negotiation, I think of it as sharing the most intimate parts of ourselves, definitely not a board meeting.

It's kind of sad to think or believe that just because we give then we must receive the same -- life isn't like that. And the cutting her off -- well, how is that germaine to the discussion?

Having read that she called you over specifically to give you a blowjob makes me think it just isn't something she enjoys for whatever her reason, whether you (or us) think it rational/understandable/goofy/whatever. If it's a deal breaker for you then call it over. I'm sure you felt odd, I felt odd reading it.

 

[Wyldfire]

Thanks your_vice for the advice. I tried to talk to her again and to her we had to talk if she wanted our relationship to last. She told me to come over to her house. Everything I planned backfired a little. When I got over than rather than talking, she told me to follow her then she ended up giving me a blow job. I almost told her to stop because I know we need to talk, but I am a guy. I warned her I when I was going to cum as some of you thought she didn't want me to cum in her mouth but she kept going until I finished.

She still avoided the conversation as she had to go help her sister with something or that's the excuse she gave me. Even though she did what I wanted I almost feel weird now because I feel like she didn't want to do it but did only because it shut me up and stopped us from talking about the problem. Any further suggestions?

Keep working on getting her to talk. There sounds like there's something in her head that needs to come out before it turns into a bad situation.

 

[NippleMuncher]

As everyone has already said, it sounds like she is either incapable or unwilling to openly and honestly communicate with you about anything, not just sex. I suspect as you do that the BJ you just received was to placate and shut you up, nothing has changed but your hope that she'll give them more frequently.

There are too many reasons why she doesn't want to talk to speculate. All I'll offer is for you to give some thought to this relationship as to it's strength, it's seriousness, and where you see it going. Be honest with yourself and be willing to live with the consequences of your decisions regarding it. From there you can decide if the relationship is worth the effort to work through her defenses and get her talking about the relationship too. Leave talk of sex out of the equation until she is more freely expressing her own thoughts on where the relationship is and where it's going. Be aware that she may never open up, in which case you're already experiencing the best that it will be. Also, be aware that any attempt to get her to open up may in fact drive her further away. In either case, you must decide if YOU can live in a relationship like this or if you need more. Be honest with yourself and with her and end it if necessary. Ending a relationship is never easy, as a matter of fact, the longer it goes on, the harder it is to separate, no matter how beneficial it is to those involved.

 

[your_vice]

Keep working on getting her to talk. There sounds like there's something in her head that needs to come out before it turns into a bad situation.

I agree. If she offers a BJ again, try thinking with the brain in your head and gently stop her. Ask her if she actually wants do please you or just to shut you up. Tell her there's no real pleasure in receiving a BJ from a girl who quite evidently doesn't enjoy giving them and that you'd really like her to tell you if there's anything behind this mental block than general distaste. Ask her how she'd feel if you wouldn't go down on her and without being judgemental, try and make her see that you feel rejected by her aversion to sucking you. Tell her blowjobs aren't a dealbreaker (even if ultimately they might be) and that you're more concerned about her feeling comfortable around you and able to talk to you. Now she's done what you wanted, you have an opportunity where you can try talking to her as a kind of debrief. Maybe just asking 'so where the hell did that come from?' will get her to allude to her thought processes at the time. You could maybe ask her if there's anything she'd like to try in the bedroom that she hasn't already rather than just cease being whiny and resentful. Make sure she knows it meant a great deal to you that she gave you a BJ but that you won't feel comfortable about receiving them until you've talked about it.

 

[infinity706]

Perhaps this is as simple as her not liking to give oral. Period. End of thought.

Just because you give her oral (and I assume you enjoy it or you wouldn't do it, right?) doesn't mean she enjoys the act of giving. When I was younger giving oral was uncomfortable for me, did that mean I was selfish or a bitch for not returning the "favor?" Should he have "cut me off" or dump me because of that? If you enjoy giving her oral why isn't that enough? Why do you feel she's obligated to enjoy giving the same? (The 'you' is the general you, meaning all of us.)

I don't get why everyone is jumping on anal this, strap on that, dump the bitch, cut her off...blah, blah, blah.

Say I don't like chocolate (HA!) and he does, would that mean I have to eat chocolate just because he did? Do we all enjoy every sexual activity? Where is the tolerance for differences here? Where is the giving for the sheer want to give pleasure? I want to give pleasure, first and foremost. In fact there are time that my orgasm isn't necessary or at times wanted. The pleasure of giving is gift enough, I think we've all said/heard that right?

I don't think or feel that sex is akin to negotiation, I think of it as sharing the most intimate parts of ourselves, definitely not a board meeting.

It's kind of sad to think or believe that just because we give then we must receive the same -- life isn't like that. And the cutting her off -- well, how is that germaine to the discussion?

Having read that she called you over specifically to give you a blowjob makes me think it just isn't something she enjoys for whatever her reason, whether you (or us) think it rational/understandable/goofy/whatever. If it's a deal breaker for you then call it over. I'm sure you felt odd, I felt odd reading it.

Well, I wouldn't dump someone over the blowjob thing. Infact, I have fuck buddies I've never gotten a blowjob from. I would dump someone over the refusal to communicate about things, though. Nothing good has ever come from a relationship where I couldn't talk things out with someone.

 

[infinity706]

I agree. If she offers a BJ again, try thinking with the brain in your head and gently stop her. Ask her if she actually wants do please you or just to shut you up. Tell her there's no real pleasure in receiving a BJ from a girl who quite evidently doesn't enjoy giving them and that you'd really like her to tell you if there's anything behind this mental block than general distaste. Ask her how she'd feel if you wouldn't go down on her and without being judgemental, try and make her see that you feel rejected by her aversion to sucking you. Tell her blowjobs aren't a dealbreaker (even if ultimately they might be) and that you're more concerned about her feeling comfortable around you and able to talk to you. Now she's done what you wanted, you have an opportunity where you can try talking to her as a kind of debrief. Maybe just asking 'so where the hell did that come from?' will get her to allude to her thought processes at the time. You could maybe ask her if there's anything she'd like to try in the bedroom that she hasn't already rather than just cease being whiny and resentful. Make sure she knows it meant a great deal to you that she gave you a BJ but that you won't feel comfortable about receiving them until you've talked about it.

If blowjobs are a dealbreaker, it's probably better to either not mention it or be honest about it. It's already a hot button issue, so lying about it will very likely cause problems later on.

 

[bailadora]

I would dump someone over the refusal to communicate about things, though. Nothing good has ever come from a relationship where I couldn't talk things out with someone.

If blowjobs are a dealbreaker, it's probably better to either not mention it or be honest about it. It's already a hot button issue, so lying about it will very likely cause problems later on.

Holy shit! It's a red letter day....you and I actually agree on something!

I don't think or feel that sex is akin to negotiation, I think of it as sharing the most intimate parts of ourselves, definitely not a board meeting.

But sex IS about compatibility, especially if you are contemplating a committed, long-term relationship. For whatever reason, if she doesn't want to give oral, then she absolutely shouldn't have or feel pressured to do so and I for one, wouldn't flame her for it. But neither would I flame Cumman if receiving oral is something he needs to be happy in his sexual relationships. Besides the communication issue, which continues to raise a HUGE red flag in my mind, perhaps it's just a matter of they are not as sexually compatible as he initially thought.

 

[infinity706]

Well, we had to agree eventually.

 

[satindesire]

So if a woman sticks her finger up her boyfriend's ass while giving him a blowjob, that means he's gay?

I'm sorry but...WTF are you talking about Wyldfire?

When a woman does something sexual to a man, THAT IS A HETEROSEXUAL ACT. Period.

The metaphor she gave was spot on. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it.

If this is a deal breaker for him, he has every right to leave the relationship and seek out one that is more sexually compatible, but she shouldn't be called named for a sexual preference. That's seriously narrow-sighted and mean spirited of you.

 

[Primalex]

So if a woman sticks her finger up her boyfriend's ass while giving him a blowjob, that means he's gay?

Yes, unless he is unconscious.

I'm sorry but...WTF are you talking about Wyldfire?

Something you won't understand, because you would need to be a guy to understand it.

 

[Firebrain]

Can you make the picture scratch and sniff? Then we can probably offer a more accurate diagnosis.