Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

 

[done_got_old]

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive.

The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

 

[done_got_old]

Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle.

 

[starrynightin64]

What did the ocean say to the beach...
Nothing it just waved

 

[done_got_old]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."


She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references – no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and reluctantly hands her $500.

"Thank you," the blonde says, and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

 

[AverageGary]

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

 

[done_got_old]

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow.

Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!”

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.

Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?”

Trump says “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.”

Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?”

The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

A+

This is the best joke I've heard this year!

 

[done_got_old]

A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.” She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says. “Your finger is broken.”

 

[done_got_old]

There was a poor, distraught man sitting at the bar of his local watering hole, just staring into his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble-maker walks through the door; leather biker jacket, neck-beard, tattoos and sunglasses. He sees the poor, lonely man, moping at the bar by himself and decides to have a little fun. Walking up to the bar he reaches over and grabs the guy's glass and drinks it down in one go.

Immediately the poor man starts crying. The bully says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears. "It's just that this has been the worst day of my life. First, I oversleep go in late to the office. My boss losses his temper and fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I forget my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with my neighbor. So I left my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

[done_got_old]

AAADD

I got this today from an old classmate, and since we're within a 'Certain Age Range', I'm passing it on to you so you can watch for similar symptoms.

I've recently been diagnosed with AAADD . . . that's Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder!!

This is how it goes . . .
I decide to change the oil in the car. I start to the garage, and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car . . . BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. So, I lay down the car keys on the desk.
After discarding the junk mail, I notice the waste can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on the desk . . . BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out to the trash can, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . yes, now where is my checkbook?

Oops! There's only one check left. Where did I put those extra checks? Oh, there's my empty cup from last night on the desk! I'm going to look for those checks . . . BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.

I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, so I put the cup on the counter and . . . there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter! What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . . BUT FIRST, I need to water those flowers.

I head for the door, and . . . Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot! OK, I'll put the remote away and water the flowers . . . BUT FIRST, I need those checks . . .
By the end of the day, the oil in the car has not been changed, the bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook still has only one check left, and . . . I'VE LOST MY CAR KEYS!!!

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm utterly baffled, because . . . I know I was busy the entire day! I realize this condition is serious . . . I need to get help . . . BUT FIRST, I think I'll check my e-mail. By the way, my doctor told me that this disease is highly contagious can be transmitted by e-mail!. So, if you want to avoid AAADD, don't read this e-mail!!! (I should've put that warning at the beginning of the message, but I got distracted . . . sorry about that . . . you see I've not been myself lately.)

 

[done_got_old]

I'd just come out of a Supermarket with a roasted chicken, French fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.

A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, "I haven't eaten for two days!"

I told him, "That's great. I wish I had your will power."

 

[done_got_old]

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said, "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth."

"What trick?" she asked?

"The one where you say shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"

 

[done_got_old]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar and sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the chicken farmer says. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating"

"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the chicken farmer! As they clink glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 

[done_got_old]

A little boy had been looking out of Southwest Airlines plane window on a flight from Orlando to JFK when he turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother couldn’t think of an answer She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”

The boy replied, “Yes, she did.”

“Well”, said the flight attendant, “tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you .”

 

[done_got_old]

Product developer: "Boss, we really need to stop testing our products on animals."

Boss: "Why? Shampoo companies do it. Cosmetics companies do it."

Product developer: "Yeah, but we make dildos."

 

[done_got_old]

Child Support Agency Forms

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing fathers' name details.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had It replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look The same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

 

[done_got_old]

A husband and wife were in bed watching TV.

The husband had the remote in hand switching back and forth between the porn and fishing channels.

The wife got pissed off grabbed the remote and kept it on the porn channel and said to hubby, "Leave it on the porn channel you already know how to fish."

 

[done_got_old]

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks a little odd, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid.

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, you saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the messy one there.

 

[done_got_old]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him is she can help him. He tells her that he’s looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string. She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, ‘because “It’s so much cheaper.”

“So I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.”

 

[SeanBurns1975]

Hamish and Seamus are visiting London. They go all out one night at the pub and end up passed out in a ditch. Two English women walk past their prone forms in the morning. One tuns to the other: "Gracious sakes, Mary, I have always wondered what a Scotsman has under his kilt." To which Mary replies: "Well Agnes, why don't you have a peek?"
Agnes goes to have a peek and is shocked at what she finds. She quickly takes the ribbon from her hair to restore the man's decency and the two women hurry off.

Three hours later Hamish awakens: "Christ almighty, Seamus, what did we get up to last night?"
Seamus lifts his kilt and says: "I haven't a clue, but it looks like I won first prize!"

~~~~~~~

Two girls from LA are visiting the Seaside Highland Games.

"Like oh ma gawd Rachel, I've heard the Scottish guys, like, have something weird under their skirts."

"Well, Audrey, Let's like, go ask one."

So the two girls find a bonny Scottish lad at the caber toss and ask: "Like my friend said you have something like weird under your skirt, what is it?"

"Well, lass, it's called a kilt. And if ye want to know what's beneath, just go and take a feel for ye'self."

She quickly pulls her hand back and exclaims: "Oh ma gawd, GRUESOME!"

"Ay lass, and if you put yer hand back it'll grew some more!"

~~~~~~

So I was chatting with my Scottish friend Andy and asking him about the differences between driving here and over there what with driving on the left and all.

Me: Can you make a U-turn?

Andy: Oh aye, I can make her eyes cross!

 

[ga400us]

Idiot Sighting

IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please".

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor, I explained it to her.

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'


IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, Couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.


STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they VOTE, and have babies .

 

[ga400us]

An Actual Craig's List Personal Ad

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan . She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .. isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants.

I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Trump as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,
Alex

 

[ga400us]

The Psychiatrist and The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist, and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.


The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go.

Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!

So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.

 

[ga400us]

Driving in Florida

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed
by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and
I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lot of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and
screamed. 'Go! Go! Go! GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of
sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

 

[ga400us]

Golfing in Heaven

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished,.
Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted, "I did."St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's
right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the
ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told
you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
Knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."