Laughter is Contagious V2

[ga400us]

The Engineer

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has Air Conditioning, Iced Water,
Flush Toilets and Escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got Air Conditioning, Iced Water, Flush Toilets and Escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's clearly a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven.

Send him up here immediately!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

[ga400us]

The Black Bra

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams, I love you.' then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, (see below)....










"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[done_got_old]

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

 

[done_got_old]

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

 

[done_got_old]

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail...

I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality.

 

[done_got_old]

Man: "Be honest, baby... How am I as a lover?"

Woman: "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

Man: "Really?"

Woman: "Yes, my love, my hero, you're 'warm' as the dictionary would say!"

The man, pleased, went home and just for sake of it checked his dictionary, He read, "WARM: Not so hot."

 

[done_got_old]

"This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it."

 

[done_got_old]

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America. As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what did he have in the sacks. Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these phones?" asked the officer.

"Oh, they are not for me. My friend, who is a musical director, knew I was going over to America. He asked me to bring him back a 'couple of saxaphones.'

 

[HBergeron]

I once proclaimed my love for a girl, breaking through my shyness to tell her how I really felt. I poured out my soul, demonstrating in every way possible the depths of my affections. She said she was touched.

Unfortunately, she said it to the Police.

 

[ga400us]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!

"I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,

“You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

 

[done_got_old]

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a fucking ham sandwich, doesn"t it?"

 

[done_got_old]

So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.

Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him.

A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den.

The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

 

[done_got_old]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

 

[done_got_old]

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Schwarzenegger.

He replied, "I'll be Bach!"

 

[done_got_old]

If someone knocks on your door,
Knock back from the inside.
They’ll go away
Trust me on this!
​

 

[done_got_old]

I just got the new iPhone for my wife. All things considered it was a pretty good trade.

 

[done_got_old]

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,“Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?”

“Sorry sir,” the owner responds, “but, we're all full.”

“Aw, please I really need some poon tang!”

And the owner answers, “Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom.”

“Whatever,” the man answers quickly and races upstairs.

A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?” And the owner answers, “Respect for the dead.”

 

[ga400us]

A man walks into a whorehouse looking for a little action and he goes up to the house owner and asks,“Hey, can I get a piece from one of your fine ladies you've got here?”

“Sorry sir,” the owner responds, “but, we're all full.”

“Aw, please I really need some poon tang!”

And the owner answers, “Well, there is one girl left but when you go meet her you have to wear this black condom.”

“Whatever,” the man answers quickly and races upstairs.

A few hours later the man comes down and says ''Wow, that was great. She didn't even make any noise. But why did I have to wear the black condom?” And the owner answers, “Respect for the dead.”

That’s not right, funny as though!

 

[done_got_old]

That’s not right, funny as though!

I agree that it's in bad taste. The only people who would be offended would be people who sleep with dead body or walked in on their lover/spouse having sex with a dead body. I'm not counting people with dead sex drives.

 

[greeneyedvirgin]

Why does the Easter Bunny hides his eggs????



Because he doesn't want everyone to know that he screws chickens!!!!

 

[ga400us]

I agree that it's in bad taste. The only people who would be offended would be people who sleep with dead body or walked in on their lover/spouse having sex with a dead body. I'm not counting people with dead sex drives.

LOL so right, so very right.

 

[done_got_old]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

 

[OldUncleJack]

conjunctivitis.com


there's a site for sore eyes...

 

[done_got_old]

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?” She replied and said “We have no teeth so we aren't able to chew them.”

Confused, he asks, “If you can't chew them, why do you buy them?” She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!”

 

[done_got_old]

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, "No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night."