Laughter is Contagious V2

[ga400us]

The Little Wooden Ball

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells
the barber he probably can't get all his whiskers off, because his cheeks
are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and
tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what
would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like
everyone else does..."

 

[ga400us]

In My Old Age

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the hell is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what am I here after?

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

 

[ga400us]

Tough Love

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.

He had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, ... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

 

[ga400us]

My hat's off to the advertising team that came up with the idea.
It has been said that paper is dead ...

This is only 39 seconds, watch it all ... the irony won't be lost on you ...
https://www.youtube.com/embed/13GTbEW0bco?rel=0

 

[ga400us]

Acetaminophen

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails’,'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[ga400us]

Much SimplerTests--Males Issues

Guys, avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get...


Simply go outside and pee in the front yard.

If ant's gather: DIABETES.

If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE

If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL

If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS

If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S

 

[done_got_old]

An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[ga400us]

Complete or Finished?

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words -
"Complete" or "Finished”. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are
FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

 

[done_got_old]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0PBg_3iVBw

 

[ga400us]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0PBg_3iVBw

Priceless!!! Thanks

 

[done_got_old]

It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.

After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf. The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.

When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet.

Her response still rings in my ears - "I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!"

After shaving my armpits, attempting to lift my arms, and enduring hours of laughter by my entire family, I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing.

READ THE LABEL!

 

[done_got_old]

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"

"Guilty."

"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."

Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler.

"Guilty."

Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."

 

[done_got_old]

One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed.

After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.

 

[Corbal]

One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed.

After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.

That is so badass. Haha. I love it.

 

[done_got_old]

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually, I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end, the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the doorknob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it .....pull myself together.

 

[phantom4533]

If laughter is contagious we should probably be wearing masks when visiting this thread.

 

[done_got_old]

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[done_got_old]

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[ga400us]

Dating in 1960

You need to be able to remember the era to appreciate this…

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Jeff had a date
with Penny.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in! Penny's mother said as she welcomed Jeff in.
"So, what are you and Penny planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably go dancing, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk along the Cherry Creek..."
"Penny likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Is that so?" asked Jeff, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Jeff said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids", the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Penny burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
It's “The TWIST ” , Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!"

 

[done_got_old]

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune; now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter: The Living Room or the Bedroom

PSA: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog...we had a good laugh.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I urinate it cleans the toilet.

I'm so excited -- it's time to take out the trash. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda, I'm getting tired of Los Living room.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks single woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

 

[done_got_old]

A grandfather was taking his grandchildren home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

[done_got_old]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

 

[done_got_old]

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[done_got_old]

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[done_got_old]

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.