Gypsybyrd
what's the point????
- Joined
- May 30, 2006
- Posts
- 12,596
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
Bob's Story
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will onsider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Bob
EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally walked into the golf club that killed him.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will onsider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed, Bob
EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on May 27th. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally walked into the golf club that killed him.
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
This was written by a black guy from Great Falls Mt.
When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.
You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folks ???
When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.
You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folks ???
done_got_old
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2003
- Posts
- 269,162
Ivory Fossils?
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.
One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened.
That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.
"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.
One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened.
That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.
"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Noah's Ark
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the
earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and
save two of every living thing along with a few good
humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six
months to build the Ark before I will start the unending
rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard....but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where
is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have
changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing
with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development
Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of
Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstruct-
ions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they
would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There is a ban on
cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I
tried to convince the Environmentalists that I needed
the wood to save the owls But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against
their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was
too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human
Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed
to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions
say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten
years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're
not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the
earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and
save two of every living thing along with a few good
humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six
months to build the Ark before I will start the unending
rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard....but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where
is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have
changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing
with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development
Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of
Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstruct-
ions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they
would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There is a ban on
cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I
tried to convince the Environmentalists that I needed
the wood to save the owls But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against
their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was
too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human
Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed
to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions
say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally
with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten
years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're
not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
techsan
...just chugging along
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2005
- Posts
- 6,165
From limiwa ...
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
"No, sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,
"No, sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Math for Dummies
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime< BR>
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime< BR>
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE ON THE GULF COAST WHEN:
You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of SpaghettiOs.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You own more than three large coolers.
You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take gallon of gas to get there and back."
You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.
A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to Ole Miss!
Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
Toilet paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."
Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of SpaghettiOs.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You own more than three large coolers.
You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take gallon of gas to get there and back."
You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the Weather channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.
A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to Ole Miss!
Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
Toilet paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."
Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients
to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable!
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients
to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on
my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable!
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
George Carlin
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY LOOSELY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. WHAT AM I? AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN... TOOTHBRUSH... what were you thinking? You PERVERT!
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING READY LOOSELY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, WHITE STICKY SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMANATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY YET FOR ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. WHAT AM I? AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN... TOOTHBRUSH... what were you thinking? You PERVERT!
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Roflmfao
Always Obey Nurse’s Instructions!!!!!
---------------------------------
THE BATHROOM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had
always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you
promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and
a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was
sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't
have nice things like this. Anticipating greater
pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.!
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large
powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent
of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The
ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew
would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a
hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I
remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
Always Obey Nurse’s Instructions!!!!!
---------------------------------
THE BATHROOM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had
always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you
promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and
a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was
sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't
have nice things like this. Anticipating greater
pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.!
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large
powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent
of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The
ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew
would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a
hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I
remember was pushing the ATR button.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
I may have already posted this, but it still makes me grin! Poor Guy!
Barber Shop
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the s ame guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
Barber Shop
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the s ame guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Sally, Betty, and Jo Ann were all getting married. Sally and Betty were
from the city, Jo Ann from the country.
They met at the marriage counselor�s office to discuss the options of
having or not having children right away.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or
were going to wait.
All three said that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and all agreed to wait for several years.
The counselor then asked Sally what type of birth control she planned
to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method."
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."
He asked the Betty what system she planned on using. "I plan on using
birth control pills," she said.
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take
them."
He then asked the Jo Ann what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method."
After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a
follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and Betty and Sally were pregnant.
Only Jo Ann was slim and trim yet.
The counselor asked Sally what method she used and what went wrong.
She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes
mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second Betty what method she used. She replied, “The birth
control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too, am going to have a baby.
He turned to Jo Ann and said, "I vaguely remember you were going to use
the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue
what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see
it has worked well for you?
Jo Ann replied, "Well, we make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now
as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big
as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."
from the city, Jo Ann from the country.
They met at the marriage counselor�s office to discuss the options of
having or not having children right away.
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or
were going to wait.
All three said that they had discussed this with their potential
husbands and all agreed to wait for several years.
The counselor then asked Sally what type of birth control she planned
to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method."
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."
He asked the Betty what system she planned on using. "I plan on using
birth control pills," she said.
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take
them."
He then asked the Jo Ann what system she was planning on using.
Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method."
After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a
follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and Betty and Sally were pregnant.
Only Jo Ann was slim and trim yet.
The counselor asked Sally what method she used and what went wrong.
She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes
mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.
He asked the second Betty what method she used. She replied, “The birth
control pill, but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my
pills with me and as you can see, I too, am going to have a baby.
He turned to Jo Ann and said, "I vaguely remember you were going to use
the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue
what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see
it has worked well for you?
Jo Ann replied, "Well, we make love standing up, and since I am quite a
bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now
as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big
as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
Busy insomniac
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking
a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking
single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She
respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad
time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed
him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my husband when the dog
turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking
a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking
single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She
respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss", I know now is a bad
time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed
him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my husband when the dog
turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
a 2fer
Oldie but goodie!
A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmmm..", mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?" The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.
*****************************************************************
20 bucks is 20 bucks
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman > stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time some guy sticks his dick through the > >>bushes, I say; '$ 20 or off it comes!'" "Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By theway, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."
Oldie but goodie!
A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget's left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmmm..", mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, "Hmmm, I see the problem," said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The midget said, "That's perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did you do?" The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.
*****************************************************************
20 bucks is 20 bucks
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman > stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Damn!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time some guy sticks his dick through the > >>bushes, I say; '$ 20 or off it comes!'" "Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By theway, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
A Beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her
Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place."
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her
Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place."
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
living wills
While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.
limiwa
Something new every day
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2005
- Posts
- 9,851
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room
302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You! 're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit...
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room
302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!
God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You! 're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit...
- Status
Similar threads
