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Laughter is Contagious

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limiwa, you've got me laughing so hard I can't breathe .... glug, glug, glug ... now you're responsible for my death ... LMAO!
 
From limiwa ...

The first of the baby-boomers are starting to turn sixty-years old. In honor of that occasion, a number of popular songs of our era are in the process of being revised to reflect conditions of the present day.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba -- Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want to
 
techsan said:
From limiwa ...

The first of the baby-boomers are starting to turn sixty-years old. In honor of that occasion, a number of popular songs of our era are in the process of being revised to reflect conditions of the present day.

They include:

1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

13. Abba -- Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

16. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want to
Click to expand...
*SNORT* What's sad is that I remember all of these songs, and sadder, I can almost identify with the new titles... :eek:
 
From limiwa ...

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

The following are all replies that Dallas TX women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or putting it another way... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 11. It takes 1st prize and #5 is runner up.


1. Regarding. the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.


2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.


4. I don't know the Identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.


5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. [Hope springs eternal, eh? Or is that infernal?]

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.


7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.


8. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time... well, I don't have clue.


9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.


10. So much about that night is a blur; The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.


Yep, you guessed it right -- you are paying taxes to support these dim bulbs!
 
Gypsybyrd said:
Think they Overnight? LMAO
Click to expand...
There's a fine print sign that says:

All shipping by U.S.P.S. -
Express Maill will arrive in 7 - 10 days
Overnight will arrive in 4 - 5 days
All others when you see them

Be prepared to tread shit!
 
techsan said:
There's a fine print sign that says:

All shipping by U.S.P.S. -
Express Maill will arrive in 7 - 10 days
Overnight will arrive in 4 - 5 days
All others when you see them

Be prepared to tread shit!
Click to expand...

LOL. Oh well ... we do what we must.
 
limiwa said:
Always Obey Nurse’s Instructions!!!!!

---------------------------------



THE BATHROOM

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several
attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had
always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you
promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he
noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and
a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was
sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't
have nice things like this. Anticipating greater
pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced
the warm water, gently drying his underside.!

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large
powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent
of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The
ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender
loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he
couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew
would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a
hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I
remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your
penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN
Click to expand...
Rotflmfao!
 
Naval conference

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference
that included admirals from the US, British, Canadian,
Australian, and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing
with a group of half dozen or so officers that included
personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped
their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained
that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans
learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we
always have to speak English in these conferences, rather
than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied:

"Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and
Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak
German."

It got so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop.
 
A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
 
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mello Yello. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
 
Chinese Phone Chat

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident....... Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
 
Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for Which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it! The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have!
 
Sloppykitten said:
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...
...
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have!
Click to expand...
ROTFLMAO!!!
 
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the
keysin the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
 
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