Laughter is Contagious

[newbiebabe]

So this dyslexic goes into a B R A......

 

[mulehead61]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,


http://logosinstitute.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/bp_logo_color.jpeg

 

[done_got_old]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[Raindear816]

LOL! That was great DGO!

 

[kayte]

Choosing A Wife
A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He decides to give each woman a present of $5,000, then waits to see what each one does with the money.
The first woman does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets here done, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she as done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed. He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

 

[kayte]

A Trip To The Racetrack
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack - Churchill Downs - to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up one by one so they could reach the urinals.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

 

[kayte]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Good afternoon {{{{{DGO}}}}}

That is great!

Hope you had a wonderful weekend sweetie.

 

[HoneyBearFarms]

Ole & Lena ( in case you miss them)

Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground As soon as he >> could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? . You have to fix me quick....You see, I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my finance, Lena , is still a virgin - in every vay'.

( HMMM! I THOUGHT SHE WAS A HOOKER ON BOTH SIDES OF THE RIVER. )

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . . making quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, they marry in a big ceremony, and go on their honeymoon to, where else; Duluth .

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful & untouched breasts. She said,

'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, ..still in da CRATE!'

 

[Mrtenant]

Just some stuff

A forward from an email I received...........



Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.



Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

[kayte]

Politically Correct

His

1. She is not a BABE or CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

Hers

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.

 

[kayte]

A forward from an email I received...........



Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.



Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Good afternoon Mrtenant ~ Welcome to the thread and thank you so much! Those are marvelous!

 

[kayte]

Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground As soon as he >> could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? . You have to fix me quick....You see, I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my finance, Lena , is still a virgin - in every vay'.

( HMMM! I THOUGHT SHE WAS A HOOKER ON BOTH SIDES OF THE RIVER. )

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . . making quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, they marry in a big ceremony, and go on their honeymoon to, where else; Duluth .

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful & untouched breasts. She said,

'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, ..still in da CRATE!'

ROTFLMAO! Thank you {{{{HBF}}}}}

 

[Mrtenant]

Good afternoon Mrtenant ~ Welcome to the thread and thank you so much! Those are marvelous!

Why thank you Ms. Kayte, nice to come here for a smile sometimes. Glad to leave one too.

 

[kayte]

Why thank you Ms. Kayte, nice to come here for a smile sometimes. Glad to leave one too.

You are most welcome. And that is how we all get more funnies. Hope you are having a great day.

 

[kayte]

Why thank you Ms. Kayte, nice to come here for a smile sometimes. Glad to leave one too.

I just read your profile. Flying and french fries. A great combination. In my younger days I did some flying. There is nothing like it!

 

[Mrtenant]

I just read your profile. Flying and french fries. A great combination. In my younger days I did some flying. There is nothing like it!

No there's not, agreed!

 

[Kuvi_Wildwolf]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

[airstream]

Lost in translation

*****

 

[smoothdevil]

Politically Correct

His

1. She is not a BABE or CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

Hers


1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.

S U P E R ...... LMAO .......

 

[smoothdevil]

Ole, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground As soon as he >> could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? . You have to fix me quick....You see, I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my finance, Lena , is still a virgin - in every vay'.

( HMMM! I THOUGHT SHE WAS A HOOKER ON BOTH SIDES OF THE RIVER. )

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.'



He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together . . making quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, they marry in a big ceremony, and go on their honeymoon to, where else; Duluth .

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful & untouched breasts. She said,

'You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, 'Look at dis, ..still in da CRATE!'

G R E A T ........... LMAO ......

 

[kayte]

The perfect man

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."
"Who?"
"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."
"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.
"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!
"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.
"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.
"After he died, I married his wife."

 

[kayte]

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

2. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

4. Some days you're the dog ... and some days you're the hydrant.

5. Don't worry .... it only seem kinky the first time.

 

[newbiebabe]

Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

 

[kayte]

Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will
discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Hi newbie ~ That is great! Thank you. Hope you are having a Happy Hump Day!

 

[burn_it]

a soccer ball rolls into a bar, two minutes later he gets kicked out


=]