Laughter is Contagious

[kayte]

It's All In The Name

A woman arrived at a party and, while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled, and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the two thing that I enjoy the most -- cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'. What your name?" she asked.
"B.J.," he answered. "B.J. Titsengolf."

Another Irish Joke

Paddy was waiting waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck rolled by loaded with of turf.
Paddy said, "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."
"What's dat," asked his friend.
"Send me lawn away to be cut."

 

[Icey*Fire]

Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

 

[Icey*Fire]

Soiled Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon
making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided
the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of
composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets,
and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up
with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
hospital security guard who watched the whole incident
walked up and asked,

"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

 

[kayte]

10 Bumper Stickers For Seniors

1. Life Is Easy. It's the freakin' people who make it difficult.

2. In Dog Years, I'm Dead.

3. Fishmore & Dolittle - Retirement Planning & Consultants.

4. I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

5. Young at heart. Slightly older in other places.

6. Geezer, noun (slang) -- Not young. Not dead. Somewhere in between.

7. I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going.

8. I just can't get started until I've had a piping hot pot of coffee in the morning. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

9. At my age "getting any" means sleep.

10. I believe in having sex on the first date. At my age, there may not be a second.

 

[kayte]

Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

Hi Icey ~ Those are great thank you.

 

[kayte]

Soiled Sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of
tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon
making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided
the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed
beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of
composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets,
and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up
with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a
hospital security guard who watched the whole incident
walked up and asked,

"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

ROTFLMAO!

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Sex is like pizza, when its good, its great. When its bad, its still pretty good

 

[yertle]

What do you feed a gay horse?


HAAAAAAAAY!

 

[smoothdevil]

It's All In The Name

A woman arrived at a party and, while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled, and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the two thing that I enjoy the most -- cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'. What your name?" she asked.
"B.J.," he answered. "B.J. Titsengolf."

Another Irish Joke

Paddy was waiting waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck rolled by loaded with of turf.
Paddy said, "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."
"What's dat," asked his friend.
"Send me lawn away to be cut."

super ......

 

[kayte]

Sex is like pizza, when its good, its great. When its bad, its still pretty good

Hi Pen ~ Thank you for the funny! Hope you are having a wonderful day!

 

[kayte]

What do you feed a gay horse?


HAAAAAAAAY!

Groan! Thank you yertle. Put a grin on my face.

 

[kayte]

Words for Women

1. "Aspire to be Barbie; that bitch has everything."
2. "If the shoe fits, buy them in every color."
3. "Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila."
4. "Try the 30-day diet; I'm on it and so far I've lost ten days."
5. "Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS; this is just your personality."
6. "Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself."
7. "Don't get your panties in a bunch; it makes you walk funny."
8. "When life gives you lemons... buy Coronas."
9. "The perfect man? He's living in San Francisco with his boyfriend."
10. "Parenthood gets better after the first forty years."
11. "Anything with tires or testicles is trouble."
12. "By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong."

 

[kayte]

1. She Said - He Said

She said to her husband: "Why do you keep switching channels?"

He said: "The golf tournament is on at the same time as a porno movie. I don't know whether to watch the porno or the golf."

She said: "For heaven's sake, watch the porno -- you already know how to play golf."





2. A Battle Of Wills (Groaner alert!)

A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons, serious enough that he decided to change his will.
He tossed his will onto his lawyer's table and said: "Here. Give this a heircut."



3. The Father-Son Talk

Little Billy asks his dad for a t.v. in his room.
Dad reluctantly agrees.
The next day, Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's 'love juice'?"
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth agape in amazement.
Finally, Dad says, "So what were you watching on the t.v.?"
"Wimbledon," says Billy.



Hint: Think Wimbledon tennis tournament ... "Federov leads the set love - deuce". Now you can go ahead and Grrroooaaannn...

 

[flipflopgirl70]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a

gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease

in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a

slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his

overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward

and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to

his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides

of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt

underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body

and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen

enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy

Bob."

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says

an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been

having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist

suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

 

[kayte]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a

gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease

in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a

slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his

overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward

and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to

his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides

of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt

underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body

and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen

enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy

Bob."

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says

an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been

having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist

suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Hi Flipflopgirl ~ Welcome to Lit and to the thread.

Your post is hysterical. Thank you. Hope you are enjoying yourself.

You can now select and display an avatar, you have made more than 100 posts. Have you given any thought to your first one? If you have any questions please ask.

 

[kayte]

Why Pumpkins are Better than Men.

1. Each year you get to choose from a brand new crop.

2. No matter your mood, pumpkins greet you with a smile.

3. They can make a pie.

4. If you don't like their looks, just carve them another face.

5. They're always waiting on the doorstep.

6. When they start smelling, you can toss them out.

7. You know their heads are empty and mushy.

8. They're only turned on when you want them to be.

 

[PenIsMightier1]

This one I will admit is actually a joke told by walter kronkite...

One day a man and a woman are having sex, when in walks their son, Timmy. He cries out and then runs out of the room. The father says,
"I'll go talk to Timmy." He leaves the room and goes to their son's room where he finds Timmy having sex with his grandmother. Timmy turns to him and says,
"See, its not so funny when its your mother."

 

[kayte]

Sex is like pizza, when its good, its great. When its bad, its still pretty good

Hi PenIsMightier ~ Welcome. That is so very true!

 

[kayte]

This one I will admit is actually a joke told by walter kronkite...

One day a man and a woman are having sex, when in walks their son, Timmy. He cries out and then runs out of the room. The father says,
"I'll go talk to Timmy." He leaves the room and goes to their son's room where he finds Timmy having sex with his grandmother. Timmy turns to him and says,
"See, its not so funny when its your mother."

ROTFLMAO! It's all a matter of perspective.

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Hi PenIsMightier ~ Welcome. That is so very true!

Thanks for the welcome, if there's one thing that always makes me feel better is to laugh

 

[kayte]

Thanks for the welcome, if there's one thing that always makes me feel better is to laugh

You are so right about the laughter! Hope you are having a Happy Halloween weekend.

 

[newbiebabe]

Sick Leave


I urgently needed a few days off work, but,
I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,
'..And where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark !

 

[PenIsMightier1]

Roses are #FF0000, Violets are #0000FF, all my base are belong to you

 

[newbiebabe]

The Sensitive Man...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect, and end up leaving together. When they get back to his place, he shows her around his very neat apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are 3 shelves in the bedroom, with 100's of teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were large bears on the top shelf, medium sized bears on the middle shelf, and small bears on the bottom shelf. She found it strange for a masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, and was quite impressed by his sensitive side, but didn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe this guy is the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips, and he responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they make love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says.....

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[kayte]

Timely and non-partison

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

The Senator's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.

What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St.Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...it goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven," St Peter says.

So, 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and the 24 hours in heaven passes by and St Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now which will you choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks.

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never would have thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be happier and better off .. in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?"

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..

Today .. you voted."