Lit blog

[Maria2394]

The job couldnt have come at a better time. Its good I will have something to wear me out to the point I wont cry when we t ake our baby of to college next sunday.

she has begun packing, needs a million more things. i told here there are stores up there, too! she is reluctantly excited. I told her she should be elated, and excited about her future.Oh oh oh. empty nest. I know its good, they are strong, all grown up...but not really and I miss my girls.

manda came over friday night after babysitting her favorite baby from the preschool where she works. the family is expecting a new addition in a couple pf months and manda doesnt like the names they have chosen, lol. I see it in her eyes, she wants a child. the cycle begins she and her sister have been getting along wonderfully now. they were awful to one another when they were little. That has always been my greatest fear, that I would pass on, and they woudlnt love each other. now I dont have to worry.

work tomorrow, up at 430. and the heat wave should have broken, the expected high tomorrow is 92.

nite ya'll

maria

ps, GOOD to see you, DA!! I totally missed hearing about your complicated and sometimes hilarious life


my girlie made me a my space so she could talk to me when she is at college. heres the link

frog king lives!

 

[annaswirls]

hey Anna!!

manda wanted me to show you this pic. it is of her, her BF and Wayne? from the Flaming Lips.

love ya,

~j

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&imageid=910494231&friendID=90113845

wow! cool! It is late. I thought for a minute you were telling me her boyfriend was from the Flaming Lips wha wha what?



your av photo is beautiful, what is it?

 

[annaswirls]

I dunno. I like the heat. Thermometer read 110 the other day. I like getting into a car that has been out all day, that tingle in all of my pores as they crank into wide open god help us survive this furnace.

Of course, I have not had to be working outside for any length of time, so my experience is limited. I did mow the lawn with the push mower and got good and sweaty, reminded me of the farm-- the pulling bales from the back of the baler, stacking it on piles high up the wagon, my brother and I sitting on the back of the combine, pulling the rusted lever to switch the shoot over to the other burlap bag while tying the full one off with binder twine, everything in us it took to pull that sucker down the ramp onto the ground.

We went down to the Blue hole the other day, with our tubes, floating along the cliffs-- kids were jumping off despite the signs. I love this place. It seems rules are there for a reason and if that reason is not present no one really worries about it.

I have been trying to go to the rustic gas stations in town. Today was the best, the pump was kind of broken so I could see the gears moving to turn the numbers on the white dials... do you remember that? Watching the dial spin the tenths of a gallon, the cents... trying to get a feel for the pattern. I remember the summer that the cost broke a dollar a gallon and the cost dials passing the volume. No contest now

I am nesting.

Scrubbed the bathroom, including all of the grout and paint the previous owners slopped all over the tiles while re-doing the shower.

Tax free shopping in Texas too! I should have waited to buy stuff I bought last week! Wasn't thinking. But at 8%, it really makes a difference.

blah blah blah

I cannot handle a myspace. I cannot even keep up with my silly blog.

Wrote a CV tonight, looking for a job, I found the PERFECT one, but I do not think the hours are anywhere doable-- after school program (just when I am needed home)

I will find something.

 

[Maria2394]

wow! cool! It is late. I thought for a minute you were telling me her boyfriend was from the Flaming Lips wha wha what?



your av photo is beautiful, what is it?

Good Mornin'!!

sweet Anna, yuo make me wanna come to Texas and look at old stuff with you. I am SO glad you are all adjusting so well. It can be culture shock, from what I am told

oh, the av? IT is called a ghost plant. my aunt gave it to me when we went to my Granny's funeral back in January.

and, Manda WISHES wayne wuz her BF...do you know who Jarboe is? She has a pic of them hugging her, too. I think she is a singer in the Swans.

anyway, hi ho, hi ho, its of to work i go, an lov'in it, till it is about 110 in the shade have a great day, you guys!!



maria

 

[Senna Jawa]

feedback

I'd appreciate a comment in the other thread about my second interpretation of the poem by Rae Stabosz (minus the title). Comments from gays would have extra weight.

 

[RhymeFairy]

I dunno. I like the heat. Thermometer read 110 the other day. I like getting into a car that has been out all day, that tingle in all of my pores as they crank into wide open god help us survive this furnace.

Of course, I have not had to be working outside for any length of time, so my experience is limited. I did mow the lawn with the push mower and got good and sweaty, reminded me of the farm-- the pulling bales from the back of the baler, stacking it on piles high up the wagon, my brother and I sitting on the back of the combine, pulling the rusted lever to switch the shoot over to the other burlap bag while tying the full one off with binder twine, everything in us it took to pull that sucker down the ramp onto the ground.

We went down to the Blue hole the other day, with our tubes, floating along the cliffs-- kids were jumping off despite the signs. I love this place. It seems rules are there for a reason and if that reason is not present no one really worries about it.

I have been trying to go to the rustic gas stations in town. Today was the best, the pump was kind of broken so I could see the gears moving to turn the numbers on the white dials... do you remember that? Watching the dial spin the tenths of a gallon, the cents... trying to get a feel for the pattern. I remember the summer that the cost broke a dollar a gallon and the cost dials passing the volume. No contest now

I am nesting.

Scrubbed the bathroom, including all of the grout and paint the previous owners slopped all over the tiles while re-doing the shower.

Tax free shopping in Texas too! I should have waited to buy stuff I bought last week! Wasn't thinking. But at 8%, it really makes a difference.

blah blah blah

I cannot handle a myspace. I cannot even keep up with my silly blog.

Wrote a CV tonight, looking for a job, I found the PERFECT one, but I do not think the hours are anywhere doable-- after school program (just when I am needed home)

I will find something.

Love this Anna.

I too was raised on a farm and could see the sweat just beading from the baling. Glad you love it so well, it will take time to settle in and yes, I am confident you will find the perfect job. Just take your time and enjoy the experience.

 

[DeepAsleep]

I got a two dollar raise at work, a while back, which I'll finally be seeing on Friday. two hundred extra dollars on a paycheck is fucking amazing. I don't know what i'll do with myself. This is the most money I've ever made in my life - and I haven't even seen a quarterly bonus, yet. God knows I'll freak out when I get that, too. Christmas'll be a fucking treat, this year.

It's strange, not having the weight of bills and impending bankruptcy breathing down my neck. The idea that I'll be able to get out of debt and actually get ahead, put a little money in the bank, is blowing my mind daily. In forty eight hours, someone's going to hand me eight hundred bucks - and they're going to do it again, in two weeks. I can quit my other job.

I feel a little like a sell out corporate whore. But I suppose the money will take the sting out of that.

Waiting impatiently for Mar to get back from nationals. She said sushi and we're damn well getting sushi.

The falling is always fun. Thrill of the hunt, and all that shit.

I like the foolish feeling of being singleminded about a girl, again. I dunno if it's even like that, to tell you the truth, but this is sweet. Here and now, that's alright with me.

Getting up early to go to the gym, these days. Lot of running, lot of sweat, lot of gritted teeth and groaning. Sounds like my last relationship. But I feel clean, after a run, and sore muscles are just a reminder of what I'm becoming.

I have beer in the fridge, a little hope in my eye, and a calm, careful smile on my face. Things are good.

~Ross

 

[Maria2394]

it's almost time

Tomorrow morning, we take our baby girl to college. IM so happy for her, proud of her, and feel so sorry for ME!! LIke I have no purpose anymore, I know its not true, and of course, I wouldnt let her know I am anxious about her leaving.

We took her shopping today, bought a lap top computer and a mini fridge, towels, sheets etc etc, she has matured so much since she was...little. I always hated taking her shopping, in fact, Iw ould make her father takeher shoe shopping, lol. Now she isnt any trouble at all, easy to please, so cheerful.

Damn, I am gonna miss that kid. I gave her my webcam and we bought extra turtle food since they are my charges now.

Oh gosh...we leave tomorrow morning at 9am, back around 6 pm i guess. I will try not to cry too much, and I will wait till she cant see me.

 

[Maria2394]

well, she's there. IT's a nice enough place. all aflurry with activity. Freshmen moving in today and tomorrow. We met her dorm- mates on the side and across the hall. They seemed nice. Everyone was friendly and most of te moms all had that freaked out look in their eyes, sort of like I do, I imagine.

I was carrying in a lamp, and it fell out th bottom of the box and laned on my big toe, fuckin HURT!! oh well, I can dwell on that and not the fact that I only have my husband to share my imedieate life with. If he can find room for me ...I hate being second place, Budweiser being first. Looking for a man that loves ME first!!

yeah, me me me, I want it to someday be about me! fuck it. I am so glad for my girls, they are smart and capable, now I have to learn how to be. But I dont know me, have always defined myself by those whom I cared for. I have no clue how to live a life of my own, but some day, I am gonna figure it out. till then, Iw ill just hang out here with people that seem to love me more than what I get here at home.

i miss anna, and angeline, and boo merengue and cat babe and so many of you. now chris is leaving and flyguy is never around anymore.yeah, Im pouting now, about to cry. i better go

 

[DeepAsleep]

well, she's there. IT's a nice enough place. all aflurry with activity. Freshmen moving in today and tomorrow. We met her dorm- mates on the side and across the hall. They seemed nice. Everyone was friendly and most of te moms all had that freaked out look in their eyes, sort of like I do, I imagine.

I was carrying in a lamp, and it fell out th bottom of the box and laned on my big toe, fuckin HURT!! oh well, I can dwell on that and not the fact that I only have my husband to share my imedieate life with. If he can find room for me ...I hate being second place, Budweiser being first. Looking for a man that loves ME first!!

yeah, me me me, I want it to someday be about me! fuck it. I am so glad for my girls, they are smart and capable, now I have to learn how to be. But I dont know me, have always defined myself by those whom I cared for. I have no clue how to live a life of my own, but some day, I am gonna figure it out. till then, Iw ill just hang out here with people that seem to love me more than what I get here at home.

i miss anna, and angeline, and boo merengue and cat babe and so many of you. now chris is leaving and flyguy is never around anymore.yeah, Im pouting now, about to cry. i better go

Everything is eventual, all is well.

 

[Tzara]

well, she's there. IT's a nice enough place. all aflurry with activity. Freshmen moving in today and tomorrow. We met her dorm- mates on the side and across the hall. They seemed nice. Everyone was friendly and most of te moms all had that freaked out look in their eyes, sort of like I do, I imagine.

I was carrying in a lamp, and it fell out th bottom of the box and laned on my big toe, fuckin HURT!! oh well, I can dwell on that and not the fact that I only have my husband to share my imedieate life with. If he can find room for me ...I hate being second place, Budweiser being first. Looking for a man that loves ME first!!

yeah, me me me, I want it to someday be about me! fuck it. I am so glad for my girls, they are smart and capable, now I have to learn how to be. But I dont know me, have always defined myself by those whom I cared for. I have no clue how to live a life of my own, but some day, I am gonna figure it out. till then, Iw ill just hang out here with people that seem to love me more than what I get here at home.

i miss anna, and angeline, and boo merengue and cat babe and so many of you. now chris is leaving and flyguy is never around anymore.yeah, Im pouting now, about to cry. i better go

Hang in there, Maria. It's a tough time. Tough for you, tough for your daughter. I know it's easy for me to say, but you will get better. You will adjust. It takes time.

Write your feelings out, like this or in poems.

Oh, and put that foot up on a pillow.

 

[RhymeFairy]

Awake again ...

Seems every night I wake up and cannot go back to sleep. Some say a guilty mind, I say a too tired body with a mind that wants to be here, writing and visiting with friends.

I free range from thread to thread. Drop letters of non consistency here, then doodle an idea out there. Only to show I am alive, kicking and want to learn so bad. Yet each step forward lands me three blocks back with a black eye and mud on my face.

Everyone has inspirational things rooted deep. I try to draw mine out, only to find a dried up twig that breaks with the suns first rays.

 

[Maria2394]

Thank you, Tzara

I want to apologize though, for being so selfish in my last posting. I was tired and that still isnt an excuse.

I worked on that bad toe today. I think the steel toe boots actually immobilized it some and it wasnt too bad until I took the boots off.

My lil college girl posted some notes on her my space and sounds so incredibly happy, theres no way I can sit here and feel bad for myself. She will be fine, it will take getting used to, not having her smiling face around. just another phase in life, right? MOstly I missed kissing her on my way out to work this morning.

Thanks for being so supportive, and thanks for caring about me. All of you It means a lot

 

[Tzara]

Nevermind.

 

[Tzara]

Thank you, Tzara

I want to apologize though, for being so selfish in my last posting. I was tired and that still isnt an excuse.

You're welcome, of course.

And I wouldn't worry about "being selfish" in a blog entry. I think that is part of what they exist for--so you can blow off frustrations, express fears and doubts, or just say anything you want.

It's good to hear your daughter is adjusting well so far.

 

[clutching_calliope]

.....

 

[*Catbabe*]

well, she's there. IT's a nice enough place. all aflurry with activity. Freshmen moving in today and tomorrow. We met her dorm- mates on the side and across the hall. They seemed nice. Everyone was friendly and most of te moms all had that freaked out look in their eyes, sort of like I do, I imagine.

I was carrying in a lamp, and it fell out th bottom of the box and laned on my big toe, fuckin HURT!! oh well, I can dwell on that and not the fact that I only have my husband to share my imedieate life with. If he can find room for me ...I hate being second place, Budweiser being first. Looking for a man that loves ME first!!

yeah, me me me, I want it to someday be about me! fuck it. I am so glad for my girls, they are smart and capable, now I have to learn how to be. But I dont know me, have always defined myself by those whom I cared for. I have no clue how to live a life of my own, but some day, I am gonna figure it out. till then, Iw ill just hang out here with people that seem to love me more than what I get here at home.

i miss anna, and angeline, and boo merengue and cat babe and so many of you. now chris is leaving and flyguy is never around anymore.yeah, Im pouting now, about to cry. i better go

For my favourite Maria, I will put on a cat suit any day.


You're in a tough spot, Maria. The funny thing about tough spots is usually the more uncomfortable we are in them and the more we squirm and struggle, the spot keeps shifting on us and we get further and further from the light. When we are calm and patient. all the dust and dirt we were kicking up before settles and then we can see that there were a million ways to step back up to the surface. I know you will get there. In the meantime, really see how clever, bright and caring you really are and love yourself. Don't wait for a guy to do it. They always show up when all the hard work is already done.


Congratulations on your girls. I'm sure they make you proud and ya know, I am sure they are very proud of you.

 

[annaswirls]

Hey girl! Your baby is out of the house, another big step towards independence... it must be so hard! I can only imagine.

My advice is just take a minute to celebrate a bit. As my mom said when I asked her if she was sad when my youngest brother left for college..

hell no! now we can eat dinner naked!

she went on to say something about boobs in her soup

I am still a little bit traumatized.

so after begging for school to start so I can get some stuff done around here, I am starting to get sad too! I am with you, my baby is going to KG, the first time ever he will be gone from me all day. We are quite addicted to each other. eh hem. Always have been.

And my bigger baby, wah! His first time without a one-on-one, and who will protect him when the sun blinds him and he freezes out there, or when that loud truck goes by the playground and he cant move? When no one understands what he is trying to say?? The other day we were taking a walk, and took a break for snack inside, and coming out onto the sidewalk it was this gust of heat and BRIGHT sunshine and traffic and he was just paralyzed, put his arm around me, and hid his face in side, and that was the only way he could walk, arm in arm, leaning his weight on me, blind.

but you know, they are all growing up, becoming the individuals we always wanted for them to become, finding ways to make it, just like us. And I still call my Mom all the time

I remember burying my head in her side too. I can still feel it. So can your baby

sorry about your toe! Did the nail get all black? Will it fall out? Will you put it on your av? Poor Neo and his foot fetish, you may scar him if you make the medical evidence public!!!

well, she's there. IT's a nice enough place. all aflurry with activity. Freshmen moving in today and tomorrow. We met her dorm- mates on the side and across the hall. They seemed nice. Everyone was friendly and most of te moms all had that freaked out look in their eyes, sort of like I do, I imagine.

I was carrying in a lamp, and it fell out th bottom of the box and laned on my big toe, fuckin HURT!! oh well, I can dwell on that and not the fact that I only have my husband to share my imedieate life with. If he can find room for me ...I hate being second place, Budweiser being first. Looking for a man that loves ME first!!

yeah, me me me, I want it to someday be about me! fuck it. I am so glad for my girls, they are smart and capable, now I have to learn how to be. But I dont know me, have always defined myself by those whom I cared for. I have no clue how to live a life of my own, but some day, I am gonna figure it out. till then, Iw ill just hang out here with people that seem to love me more than what I get here at home.

i miss anna, and angeline, and boo merengue and cat babe and so many of you. now chris is leaving and flyguy is never around anymore.yeah, Im pouting now, about to cry. i better go

 

[vampiredust]

I'm tanked on fizzy red wine. Bubbles are making my head go pop!

 

[vampiredust]

I'm back

bigger
better

and completely maxed out

 

[RhymeFairy]

I'm back

bigger
better

and completely maxed out

FanTabUlas ~!!!!!!

 

[cherries_on_snow]

Coincidence?

I'm back

bigger
better

and completely maxed out

Haha! You and my Visa both.

 

[Maria2394]

Came home from work early toady, we got "rained out"... pulled up to find that the neighborhood demon children had vandalized what was left of my little garden. My first instinct was to just let it go, then I though, fuck that! there is no excuse for people not watching their kids, the mom sits on her ass all day and lets them run wild while other people are out working their butts off.

my hubby called the law. those folks are no stranger to that tho, the cops wree there yesterday too. I despise this place I live now. it is hell, or close to it. good thing we came home early, who knows what else they might have done

 

[DeepAsleep]

Stream of consciousness date rant

I have a dinner date, tomorrow - if meeting someone who may or may not have interest in you for dinner and conversation can be called a date, when there's been no declaration of any... eh... intent, I suppose. I haven't done this in a minute, not the formal, let's sit down and talk kind of date - and it feels like a formal, grown up thing, not the, "HEY, we should totally, like, do something, sometime!" kind of haphazard thing I'm used to. But, then, I don't suggest these things very often, so that might have something to do with it. In any case, fear the meeting of two post-modern misanthropic minds. Either one of us will die after spooning the eyes from the other, or we'll mate.

Or, you know, it won't be anything so extreme and we'll have a pleasant time.

I'm nervous, because I never express myself completely correctly in person, and she's intelligent enough to demand careful answers. No hiding behind a flippant nature, this time. ...Meh, I worry myself into a hole so often, but I always seem to be able to muddle through. Sometimes better than muddle. I'm lucky and quick on my brain.

But you can be so much more careful on paper. Words are slippery, in person.

Oh, God, I'm taking this seriously.

Must like her.

How horrible is that?

Christ fucking masters' degree in Women's Studies. My dad would slap me and tell me not to chase lesbians, but that's unfair. I suppose that makes me a little nervous, too. I never pick the easy ones.

I refuse to consider what that says about me.

Still, at least she doesn't bullshit. "Oh, really, what do you do, what's your sign, hahaha" none of that. She cuts to the heart, and I like that.

Bah, nerves. I'll be fine.

~Ross
Note to self: Buy mints, or something.

 

[cherries_on_snow]

A Master's degree in Women's studies is a very good sign, I'd say. Good for you!

I just made two new friends in my new Master's program, each possessing other Master's degrees in Women's Studies. If I weren't already in love with Brian, I'd totally be hitting on one of them.

I have a brief two-week reprieve before I head back to school in the evenings and teaching during the days. I've just been hired as a New York City Public School Teacher (I'll be certified, allright, but maybe not how I imagine!) and look forward to the semester with a little nervousness but a lot of optimism.

My main quandry is whether or not to continue commuting every day from the apartment I share with my boyfriend or whether to get a place in the Bronx and see him on weekends only. This is harder than it sounds because the commute is long, but he's pretty sweet to me. For now, I rationalize that I can get a lot of reading done on the train!