Male self esteem issues

[Kurokami]

Eh, it's not you. But all those "how-to" sex things give that advice. God forbid we admit that all women are different. There MUST be color-by-numbers for making women have orgasms.

Maybe not color by numbers, but I would hope that are at least a few mechanical similarities that are present across the board.

I don't even know why I'm playing devil's advocate here, I hate those goddamn how-to things as well.

 

[TarevaChine]

My biggest fear, lately, is having to explain to my kids how I got to be the way I am. It's only a matter of time, one they're born, before they take notice and start having questions. How the hell do I answer that?

I have complete faith that when the time is right, you will know what to say. Whatever you do, please do not ever believe that it will change how your daughters look at you. When I was younger, my father had to tell me something about his childhood. I don't think that he ever wanted me to know, but I kind of put him in a corner with some questions and he wasn't going to lie to me. Needless to say, it did not change what I felt about him. I truly believe that your daughters will be amazed at what you have went through and appreciate what a wonderful father you are (going to be).

As a completely, 100% clitorally focused woman, I NEVER understood the penis size issue with men. A man doesn't need a penis to make me scream. All he needs is the location and function of my clitoris, some toys, good lube, and patience.

He could literally have ZERO penis, NEGATIVE penis, if there was such a thing, and still be a fantastic lover.

Penis size means less than nothing to me. I couldn't care less what size dick he has, because dick does nothing for me. My clit isn't located inside me.

I keep telling dudes that, but it doesn't ever seem to click. I blame porn.

I totally agree with you! I dated a guy that had a small penis, but between his fingers, tongue and toys, he could have me soaking a bed in minutes.

 

[a75]

As many of us are aware, many women here have gone through periods of low self esteem and body image issues, and one thing I've always thought is that men go through the same thing, they're just not as vocal about it in some cases.

So I'd really like to hear from the men here, if anyone would be so kind, to see what kind of body image issues you guys have struggled with, and how, if you have, you overcame it.

Interesting topic... To speak the truth, I 've always had some extra weight (but not fat), my belly isn't the definition of flat, and my nose is a little bigger than the average, but I 've never seen those as a disadvantage. Possibly because I'm rather tall (1.92, in the Anglosaxon world I think it's 6ft3in), I always felt comfortably enough with my appearance.

I 'd say that in the case of average men, low self esteem is caused less by body image and more by other issues: professional and income stability, level of education, experience etc.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I'm the other way around. I'm too sensitive to handle much clitoral stimulation, and I hate that men think that's what they're supposed to do. But as long as you have strong arms and enough of a working knowledge of anatomy to find my G-spot, I really don't care about your dick.

and i'm different yet again. my clitoris is overly sensitive as well, to the point where it i find even a light indirect brushing against it to be irritating. thank goodness it's so tiny and hidden, but then you have those men who are hellbent on seeking it out and fiddling with it. *shudders* i can't describe the pain of that kind of stimulation, not to mention the total mental agony of being with someone so clearly and drastically NOT my sexual complement.

however i absolutely DO care about cock. a LOT. i love to look at them, gently caress them with my fingertips, softly kiss them, lick and taste them thoroughly, feel them in my mouth and throat, and yes i love the feel of a cock in my pussy. and this is coming from a female who does not orgasm nor desire to do so...i simply find the feel of a full-to-bursting, hard and eager cock inside of me to be beautiful and breathtaking and extraordinary and wonderful.! and while it doesn't need to be huge, it does need to be quite thick and insistent in order for me to get that feeling.

and having been with so many men in my life, i know that many of them have self-esteem issues related to either the size of their cock, its performance or both. some of them have been told horrible things from girlfriends (why oh why believe something said in the midst of a nasty break-up?), or have had traumatic early experiences in the locker room. i've also noticed that a great deal of men have no true concept of their own penis size...with many on the smaller side feeling they are "average" or bigger, and many on the larger side thinking they are "average" or smaller.

hmm...sorry, all this pondering about cock issues has caused me to lose my train of thought entirely.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Maybe not color by numbers, but I would hope that are at least a few mechanical similarities that are present across the board.

there aren't. there really, truly, aren't.

 

[clearshooter]

As many of us are aware, many women here have gone through periods of low self esteem and body image issues, and one thing I've always thought is that men go through the same thing, they're just not as vocal about it in some cases.

So I'd really like to hear from the men here, if anyone would be so kind, to see what kind of body image issues you guys have struggled with, and how, if you have, you overcame it.

This is as good a place to get this off my chest as any. When I was sixteen my mother and I had a fight and she said to me, "You will never amount to anything but a lazy, fat, no good son-of-a-bitch."

Yes, to this day, I struggle. I've attempted suicide, I've gone to counseling, and finally, after working my 4th step in AA I've been able to begin digging myself out of the hole I've been in.

 

[Stella_Omega]

i wonder if this article resonates with anyone in this thread?
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peggy-drexler/why-cant-men-love-like-wo_b_950064.html

I gotta say it does for me, as a crossed-wires-crossed-gender type. Dr. Drexler's description of male emotional reactions is very much the way I experience them, and the way I would prefer to armour myself. That would be one way in which my brain is decidedly male, -- if Drexler's theory proves out.

Interesting.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

... and this is coming from a female who does not orgasm nor desire to do so..

Man, this is off topic, but that could never be me. I don't really need to orgasm to be satisfied, but damned don't I love it when it happens, and desire for it to be achieved. It's just a goddamned RELIEF. probably one of the few times I'm totally without any aching without the use of medicine.

 

[HottieMama]

This is as good a place to get this off my chest as any. When I was sixteen my mother and I had a fight and she said to me, "You will never amount to anything but a lazy, fat, no good son-of-a-bitch."

Yes, to this day, I struggle. I've attempted suicide, I've gone to counseling, and finally, after working my 4th step in AA I've been able to begin digging myself out of the hole I've been in.

The 4th Step helped me more than all my years in therapy put together. it really is a wonderful tool...

 

[Netzach]

I just think we're more similar than different.

They DO fret about how they're viewed physically and/or weighed as mates, and Stella they DO want to talk

oh my GOD how they want to talk - that's the thing. They just want to talk TO someone uninvolved.

just in safety and anonymity, and not where it matters - to the person who will judge what they say. But that's not universally male. Most people talk about their partner long before they talk to them. Women kvetch to girlfriends men see a sex worker, everyone is liable to get a shrink - the impulse is actually similar.

We're all being told to buy this product and to want this particular kind of orgasm, and drive this car, and if you're not coming to terms with not being here forever when you are 40 or 50 you're really the kind of person for whom everything goes over your head.

 

[YourCaptor]

While talking about dick size, I don't think it has anything to do with women or sex. Tiny dick is emasculating, and being manly is the ideal state. Now notice that there is noting you can actually do to be manly, you can only lose it. I think on the playground dick size has the exact same meaning as fag. Also dick size does not need to correspond to actual size. You can have a third leg and have a tiny dick.

And just for kicks, I once saw the whole system break down. This guy on a football team actually was a fag, as in sexual orientation. But he was the kind of guy nobody could really say shit too. The confusion was hilarious. Guys saying he was gay but adamantly defending that he is not in fact a fag.

 

[Chaingun]

I'll agree, this is an interesting topic.

I've never given a crap about my size as I don't care and better yet don't want to compare my junk to anybody else's. And I've known since a young age that there was far more to pleasing a woman than just being well hung. An unskilled driver will wreck a Ferrari so it's wholly unfair to everyone involved when a ham handed and inattentive oaf is blessed with "extra horsepower."

I took a defensive pistol class a few months ago, and the instructors kept reminding us that "amateurs talk about equipment, craftsmen talk about technique." I thought, "gee, that applies to more than target shooting."

But to the subject at hand; yes I do worry about my body issues. I'll admit it, I am not the athletic 140 pound kid that graduated in 85 with eleven letters from five sports.

I got stockier in college from only playing intramural sports and being forced into a more sedentary lifestyle. After all, studying doesn't exactly work off calories.

And a few years back, I dislocated a shoulder, curtailing my after-work golf and softball. And then re-injured the shoulder requiring surgery. So now, without enough physical activity and a job in sales, I am loathe to take my shirt off in public since I am roughly fifty pounds over weight.

Certainly then, I will state that some men do indeed have issues with their body image.

 

[Netzach]

I really think that being an athlete sets people up for some headscrew. If girls did what some of these guys did in high school we'd call it a crisis. There's a lot of unhealthy body relationship stuff in the open, it just results in unhealthy-pretty so it's condoned.

Even with the upside of being a lifelong jock it makes me sad to see a very attractive man in classic car era make pick apart his flaws, and they do.

 

[JMohegan]

I really think that being an athlete sets people up for some headscrew. If girls did what some of these guys did in high school we'd call it a crisis. There's a lot of unhealthy body relationship stuff in the open, it just results in unhealthy-pretty so it's condoned.

Even with the upside of being a lifelong jock it makes me sad to see a very attractive man in classic car era make pick apart his flaws, and they do.

Nice to see you, woman.

The former athletes I know who have body issues are just that - former athletes. They let themselves go.

I disagree with the headscrew generalization, because I know a lot of people (myself included) who are middle-aged, lifelong athletes who love athletics for the sake of athletics itself - the challenge, the camaraderie, the sheer fun. We don't get out of shape because we don't ever stop.

Of course, I can't throw as far or run as fast now as I did decades ago, but accomplishments in other aspects of life replaced Varsity kudos to a sufficient extent, so that physical self esteem issues never took root.

 

[Kojote]

As many of us are aware, many women here have gone through periods of low self esteem and body image issues, and one thing I've always thought is that men go through the same thing, they're just not as vocal about it in some cases.

So I'd really like to hear from the men here, if anyone would be so kind, to see what kind of body image issues you guys have struggled with, and how, if you have, you overcame it.

Well...
Fuck, yes!?
I'd bet that almost every male had issues along the way. We just tend not to focuss too much on them.
Men get trained to focus on the good things and work with them. So when a woman looks into the mirror and sees wrinkles a man sees the little sparkle in his eyes and ignores the wrinkles.

Plus there are some genral things helping out. Like a bigger acceptance of being slightly overweight 'n stuff.
It's not fair, but true that a woman would be called chubby and a man in the same range could get through with being 'manly'.

But then again there are the things going on behind the forehead...
And one of them got mentioned already:

The elephant in the room here is cock size and I rather doubt you'll get anyone sharing his personal issues with it. That said, I doubt if a week goes by when I dont see a thread started in one forum or another where a guy begs people to check out his dick pics on his profile and reassure him that he looks sufficient in his birthday suit.

All the discussions about size, it seems to me, are evidence of a large (pun intended) body-image issue among men.

Gotta produce proof of the contrary…

As a completely, 100% clitorally focused woman, I NEVER understood the penis size issue with men. A man doesn't need a penis to make me scream. All he needs is the location and function of my clitoris, some toys, good lube, and patience.

He could literally have ZERO penis, NEGATIVE penis, if there was such a thing, and still be a fantastic lover.

Penis size means less than nothing to me. I couldn't care less what size dick he has, because dick does nothing for me. My clit isn't located inside me.

I keep telling dudes that, but it doesn't ever seem to click. I blame porn.

And maybe answer this question, too…

I think I can tell that penis size IS the most likely body image issue for men.
It’s not porn and it has close to nothing to do with women and sex.
It’s all about comparisons and starts as early as in the dressing rooms in school after sports.
And it’s all about who’s got the biggest…

As one of the absolutely normal ‘hung’ men I can tell you a lot about self esteem issues. It started to get better after I found out that I am big enough to be felt and in fact even big enough to be nearly too large for one woman or another. But it lingers…
About ten years of ‘look! Mines bigger’ are pretty much to get rid of.
So there’s no such thing as ‘being told to often that one is well endowed’. If you want to do a man a favor, tell him that he is adoringly large. He’ll doubt your honesty and swell from pride.

And for the mentioned proof:
I’ve got what could be called an exemplary ‘grower’. Normally my penis looks like the ones on those greek statues. If it’s cold it gets worse. And being told how ‘cute’ that is, isn’t helping the least bit.
Even that I know how much (proportionally) it grows doesn’t help. I’d kill for a ‘shower’ sometimes. And for some more centimeters, too.
That’s silly, but it is what defines your place in the secret pecking order of mankind. The well hung ones are more respected for their endowment. Even if they’re ugly as hell otherwise. Worse yet if they aren’t ugly…

In other respects men take a lot of self esteem from counting conquest.
If you had your share of conquests you can’t be so bad, right? Even if you have the tiniest ‘grower’, too much belly and so on…
The curious and clever ones (like I see myself) start asking themselves how this could be and find out that it’s not the sum of your flaws (except they are overwhelming), but the sum of your merits that gets things going. And that’s why even some potbellied, lank haired one in tighty whity can stand in front of the mirror and call himself sexy. Just because he remembers his conquests.

And be honest…
There are loads of women who prefer some flaws above the one perfect Adonis. Maybe because they think they’ll never have the latter one for themselves. But it works for the less attractive men anyway.
So there it goes…

And last but not least it’s what I mentioned at the beginning: When you focus on the goodies you have and get enough confidence out of it the result is some charisma that helps with getting laid.
Deep inside we (men) know that we are far from perfection. But as long as we don’t admit that fewer people seem to notice.
Works for women, too. I experienced and witnessed it pretty often.
Confidence IS sexy. As long as the one in question believes his/her own lies…

I could ramble on and on, but that’s about it. There are plenty of exceptions, but there also are some general rules. As always…
Feel free to ask if anything got fucked up by my vocabulary issues or my language fluency. Or if you want to know more. I’ll be happy to answer honestly.

 

[mastercuntlover]

Given some of the other experiences that braver men have shared in this thread, I feel kinda silly saying this, but there was a time when I used to have issues with my body. Thankfully, I realized that most of those issues were driven by me being a lazy asshole, and have been since remedied by a 2 km run 3 times a week, and regular crunches and weights.

My cock size, on the other hand... as I have mentioned elsewhere, after spending my teenage years reading about 9 inch cocks, my own 6" equipment seemed a bit... lacking. Then, the first time I undressed in front of a girl, and saw her eyes widen, well, I'll never forget that feeling. Needless to say, I have crossed that hump, and now, I have no issues with taking off my clothes in front of a girl and have her lovingly hold my dark cock.

 

[satindesire]

we seem to have hampered your thread Satin; was this not what you wanted?

Not really. But, hey, that's Lit for ya.

 

[satindesire]

ah i see. you were looking for happy fairy tales of men who'd wrestled with this monster, and came through it victorious.

i'm sorry i could not oblige you. If Homburg still posts; I remember him talking at length about his weight issues, at least once.

my body image issues are wrapped up in my depression, a part of that whole. It's just something i live with. Occasionally posting here helps.

Not so much this past year.

Sometimes playing with my children helps, at least until i invariably hurt my ankle.

Did you have a more specific question about the "types," of body image issues we struggle with?

I don't know if I'm reading some bitterness and snark in your post or if I'm reading you wrong. I'd like to know.

Yes, I was looking for some kind of positive encouragement that people CAN overcome crippling self-esteem issues and move on past them to better their lives. I'm sorry if that is objectionable to you.

 

[the captians wench]

I don't know if I'm reading some bitterness and snark in your post or if I'm reading you wrong. I'd like to know.

Yes, I was looking for some kind of positive encouragement that people CAN overcome crippling self-esteem issues and move on past them to better their lives. I'm sorry if that is objectionable to you.

I didn't read any snark. Maybe it's because I'm not suffering from the same issues you are?

Honestly, I don't think this issue is much different for men than it is for women. When you don't like yourself image, you don't feel attractive, and that affects how you interact with every one, especially your partner and especially a live in one. You can't hide your shame from some one who is always there.

I hope you do wish you the best, satin.

 

[satindesire]

I didn't read any snark. Maybe it's because I'm not suffering from the same issues you are?

Honestly, I don't think this issue is much different for men than it is for women. When you don't like yourself image, you don't feel attractive, and that affects how you interact with every one, especially your partner and especially a live in one. You can't hide your shame from some one who is always there.

I hope you do wish you the best, satin.

I don't know, the "Happy Fairy Tales" did read as incredibly sarcastic. *shrugs*

I've always been a very thin, small woman with small bones, and I gained a drastic amount of weight with two pregnancies in a row. In this culture, larger women are treated as "invisible", and I've dealt with critisism from my family as well as strangers because of it. I'm working on losing it, but the words still hurt.

Men's weight seems much less important than a woman's weight, because a man's sexual currency isn't about his looks to such a degree in this culture. And to see someone of another gender talk about his experiences with it would have brought me, I believe, some level of empathy and understanding, and some measure of comfort that not only girls go through that.

I'm glad you aren't having the same "issues" as me, though. I wouldn't wish this sort of self-hatred on anyone.

 

[Primalex]

here, if anyone would be so kind, to see what kind of body image issues you guys have struggled with, and how, if you have, you overcame it.

Well, I was very nerd-like (regarding my physical appearance) in my teenage years. Nerd-like as in the bad way to be nerd-like. I wouldn't say that it bothered me at that time - I was too much nerd to even recognize that it did bother me.

It did improve slightly during my time in the army. I guess there I realized that the body image and the inner image didn't quite match (of course not, which nerd joins the army, wtf?). But I accepted it as how I am.

When I went to college, I met a girl I...well, "fell in love" would be the romantic description, but she looked like my all-time favorite teen porn actress, so my desire was more animalistic. To summarize the rest: she helped me in changing my body image, by just being a "goal" to work for and by providing advice, something I will be forever in debt for, as this was again the foundation of my current relationship (hitting the 8th year now).(And I did have my happy ending with my porn actress look-alike, too)

I think the most important part is to have a goal besides the change itself.

 

[the captians wench]

I don't know, the "Happy Fairy Tales" did read as incredibly sarcastic. *shrugs*

I've always been a very thin, small woman with small bones, and I gained a drastic amount of weight with two pregnancies in a row. In this culture, larger women are treated as "invisible", and I've dealt with critisism from my family as well as strangers because of it. I'm working on losing it, but the words still hurt.

Men's weight seems much less important than a woman's weight, because a man's sexual currency isn't about his looks to such a degree in this culture. And to see someone of another gender talk about his experiences with it would have brought me, I believe, some level of empathy and understanding, and some measure of comfort that not only girls go through that.

I'm glad you aren't having the same "issues" as me, though. I wouldn't wish this sort of self-hatred on anyone.

Sorry, I ment "situation" rather than "issue".

I don't know about being treated invisible. I do know about being mocked for your weight. I've never been a tiny girl, so I don't now what it's like to have that kind of attention. I do know what it's like to spend nights crying because I don't have a date/ can't get one. I know what it's like to wish some one would pay attention to me.

I also know what it's like to have a husband that won't touch you. Mine played with people online rather than with me in the flesh. I could be naked with my hand down his pants and would get shrugged off. I understand that pain and frustration.

A lot of that situation had to do with his self esteeme. He didn't feel atractive, and I loved him so I had to think he was hot. But I was the only relationship he had ever had, so my openion wasn't enough. He had to know he was attractive to some one else. And some one ended up not being enough, he had to know he was attractive to a few people. Eventually he realized he never had to settle with me, and that was that.

It took a long time for me to deal with the fact that it really wasn't about me or even how I looked as much as it was about how he felt about himself. No there isn't a main stream propaganda compain that says men have to be these perfect physical creatures as much as there are for women, but it does exist. I haven't met a man yet who didn't confide in me some aspect that made him feel like he wasn't "good enough" for the general public. Well, there are two. But I've listened to as many men complain about not having 6 pack abs or being tall enough as I have women complaining their not a size 2. I don't think it's as much of this "non issue" as we (socity) seem to project it to be. Not anymore anyway.

I'm sorry, I'm really tired and stressed, and I've lost all sense of what I was trying to say. I hope you look at this with the knowledge that I really mean all of the best of hopes for you satin.

 

[tekgirl]

I think men in general don't worry about their physical appearance as much as woman. That may be due to society demanding unrealistic ideals for woman or that we simply accept ourselves better. Issues of weight are easier for men to quickly do something about and we achieve results much faster. As far as mental esteem goes again men are hard wired to be confident in themselves so any doubts we disregard or deny.

I don't think men are "hard wired" to be confident. My take would be that society does demand unrealistic ideals for women. The catch is that women are allowed to be emotional and judgemental. At times it's expected of us. Society does not condone such behavior of men and thus I believe many men internalize issues.

I think a husband is more likely to be open with his spouse regarding feelings and issues with his body than with a friend. I have known plenty of men who were very judgemental of their looks. I just think men choose to discuss such matters behind closed doors with someone they know they can trust.

 

[YourCaptor]

I don't think men are "hard wired" to be confident. My take would be that society does demand unrealistic ideals for women. The catch is that women are allowed to be emotional and judgemental. At times it's expected of us. Society does not condone such behavior of men and thus I believe many men internalize issues.

I think a husband is more likely to be open with his spouse regarding feelings and issues with his body than with a friend. I have known plenty of men who were very judgemental of their looks. I just think men choose to discuss such matters behind closed doors with someone they know they can trust.

I'd add that guys tend to display insecurities differently than women may.

For example a chick gets called fat and she eats a tub o ice cream. A guy gets called fat and he gets aggressive.

 

[tekgirl]

I'd add that guys tend to display insecurities differently than women may.

For example a chick gets called fat and she eats a tub o ice cream. A guy gets called fat and he gets aggressive.

I'm not sure I'd eat ice cream. Maybe skip lunch

And I would get aggressive. Perhaps not physically, but verbally I'd unleash a smack down.

Wait...are my insecurities showing?