Masturbation within a relationship ?

[newbie_dom]

How do you couples handle masturbation ?

Are you hurt if your guy masturbates ? Does he hide it from you ? Does he use porn ? What about the same questions for women ?

What would happen if he masturbated, without you knowing and then you wanted to have sex and he wasn't into it or couldn't ?

What happens if he catches you masturbating ? Or vice versa ?

Do you tell each other when you are going to masturbate ? Hey honey, I'm going into the bedroom to masturbate now.

I hide if from my gf. She hides it from me. I want sex more than she does so I use it to relieve myself. But I'm worried someday that will upset her. Should I be worried ?

 

[Malaria]

I'm in an LDR..if he didn't, he'd explode. I know he uses porn too.

 

[newbie_dom]

Are you hurt that he uses porn ? That he looks at other women ?

What happens when you two get together ?

 

[Eilan]

I don't see anything wrong with masturbating to supplement a couple's sex life. If, however, your (or her) masturbatory habits started to affect your sex life, then there'd be a problem.

My husband and I often watch each other masturbate. It's fun to watch, IMO, and it can be a great learning tool. If he'd just masturbated and I wanted to have sex, then we'd have sex in a few minutes. He has a pretty good refractory period for an older guy!

I'm not so naive as to think that my husband doesn't ever masturbate when he's alone, and I'm sure that he feels similarly about me. We don't announce it to each other, nor do we go to great lengths to hide it.

 

[Malaria]

Sometimes we watch porn together, we don't masturbate together though, mostly because i can't. I'm not hurt that he does it it's totally fine by me. He can't do it when we're together, he can't bring himself too

 

[Leah57]

First of all, my BF and I don't live together, we see each other averaging twice a week. In between times, and sometimes together, he/me/we will masturbate, either separately or together. We've watched porn together and separately. We're both cool with whatever the other is doing, and it's not affected our sex life in the least.

I echo what Eilan said about watching each other masturbate. It's a great learning tool. Who knows better than you how to turn you on????

 

[badattitude]

I'm in a LDR and my boyfriend doesn't hide it from me. I think it's hot when he announces that he's going to (like he did in an email this afternoon). We've done it in front of each other and it really turns me on to watch him.

 

[SweetErika]

Are you hurt if your guy masturbates ? Does he hide it from you ? Does he use porn ? What about the same questions for women ?

No, neither of us are hurt, nor do we hide it. He uses porn, which is fine with me. I use stories sometimes, and he's fine with that.

What would happen if he masturbated, without you knowing and then you wanted to have sex and he wasn't into it or couldn't ?

Once in awhile, it'd be okay, but I wouldn't be cool with it interfering with our sex life since we go for quality over quantity anyway. What we've found, though, is we both use it to supplement or fill out our sex life, and I masturbate far more often than he does (which is only when I'm sick or we're apart for awhile). I probably do it more because I don't see it as a substitute for sex, but rather a special time that I can be alone, let my imagination run and do something I enjoy - kinda like taking a bath or doing my nails. I also use it for pain relief sometimes.

What happens if he catches you masturbating ? Or vice versa ?

I've never caught him, but he's walked in on me many times, and I just stop, tell him what I'm up to, ask if he wants to join, and he either does, or leaves me alone. I'd do exactly the same if I walked in on him.

Do you tell each other when you are going to masturbate ? Hey honey, I'm going into the bedroom to masturbate now.

Yes, if we're together, and I've said just that, actually. His response: "Okay, have fun!" If he calls when I'm in the middle of it or I'm planning for after he falls asleep, I tell him, too. Basically, when he needs to know, I tell him, and if it doesn't come up, I keep it to myself.

I think talking about it has increased our understanding of each other, and it also helps us respect privacy. If he knows he's interrupting or I'm planning on taking that time, he can give it to me easily, and vice versa. '

I hide if from my gf. She hides it from me. I want sex more than she does so I use it to relieve myself. But I'm worried someday that will upset her. Should I be worried ?

I will tell you this: When we hid it earlier in our relationship, it didn't go so well. I got upset over the porn and fact that he wasn't putting that effort toward our sex life, and he was afraid my toys would replace him. We fought and came out with hurt feelings multiple times. Once we started talking and being open about everything, the tension and negative feelings went away.

We started by adding mutual masturbation during sex, and talking about how that went. It got easier after that, and we started discussing our habits and views. I think it's important for both to understand masturbation doesn't mean something's wrong/lacking; it's a normal part of a very healthy sex life and personal satisfaction - that's it.

 

[Mazuri]

How do you couples handle masturbation ?

Are you hurt if your guy masturbates ? Does he hide it from you ? Does he use porn ? What about the same questions for women ?

1. Nope
2. Not really, but he doesn't advertise the fact. He is not as ...needy in that department as I am.
3. Nope, but then again, he doesn't like porn.

Flipping it over:
1. Nope, I've asked and he says it's a natural thing and not a problem for him.
2. I don't hide it from him...in fact, sometimes I plan it just so and he catches me. Yum!
3. Yes, sometimes, sometimes stories, sometimes just fantasies.

What would happen if he masturbated, without you knowing and then you wanted to have sex and he wasn't into it or couldn't ?

Well, if I didn't know he masturbated, I'd not know why he couldn't or wasn't into it. If I found out he was masturbating and it was causing issues in our sex lives, though, I'd try to figure out ways to bring that energy into it and not flying solo.

What happens if he catches you masturbating ? Or vice versa ?

He joins in! Which is why I let him catch me I've never caught him at it, but I'd definitely join in!

Do you tell each other when you are going to masturbate ? Hey honey, I'm going into the bedroom to masturbate now.

Only if I want it to be a lead in for 'us' time. Usually, I masturbate when I have the house to myself, so there isn't any need to notify him of my intentions.

I hide if from my gf. She hides it from me. I want sex more than she does so I use it to relieve myself. But I'm worried someday that will upset her. Should I be worried ?

When I did hide it (born and raised in the South and was taught it was dirty ), it really bothered me but he said it never bothered him. Whether that is true or not, I can't say, but I also can't spend my time second guessing his every word.

I would say that 'if it affects the relationship...', but it already is. You're worried you'll upset her. Let her know that you masturbate and know she does as well. Let her know you think it's cool, ok, hot, whatever it is for you. Ask her if she might like to do it together so you can see what really gets her going. Hubby and I use it as a learning experience *grins* "this is what I like, no, lower, a bit harder, oooh yeah baby" and don't worry about the times we take care of things alone.

Besides...how will you tell her what you like (and vice versa) if you don't know what you like?

 

[tanyachrs]

Frankly, if you imagine a guy isn't masturbating, you're just deluding yourself. Since something like 100% of them do, why be insulted or bothered if yours does too. And, yeah, I do too. Even if I'm getting plenty, there's a kind of "me time" about it.

 

[bustier]

I'm not hurt when my fiancee masturbates. It turns me on just thinking about him getting aroused and cumming. I masturbate too, so know that it is something that we both do, because we enjoy it, and not because we don't want to be with one another. I also know that he has a ton of porn and that is fine with me too. If it enhances his pleasure than I'm all for it. I don't have thoughts like, if he is watching porn than he must not be into me or if he is watching porn than he is attracted to those girls and wishes I was more like them. I know he doesn't watch it because there is something lacking in our relationship, but he watched it because it is a good tool for him (just like toys).

When we first started dating he was way more experienced than me and way more open about sex and his body than me. It is something I would never talk about. Now though we talk about it openly and sometimes we masturbate together. I agree that it is a great learning tool, but it is also great foreplay. We don't get off though seperately, we usually end up having sex. Sometimes during sex I will let him know that I masturbated that day and what I was thinking about and how I touched myself, but I don't and he doesn't tell me randomly out of context. We have also masturbated via video phone and that was a lot of fun, and we have texted each other about masturbating while at work. It adds excitement and enticement.

I think masturbating is a great way to enhance your sex life.

 

[decva]

What does LDR mean?

Two folks mentioned this acronym in their posts and I don't know what it means. Sorry.

 

[SweetErika]

Two folks mentioned this acronym in their posts and I don't know what it means. Sorry.

LDR= Long Distance Relationship

There's also a list of frequently used acronyms/abbreviations, courtesy of Eilan, in the "FAQs Before Posting" sticky at the top of the main How To page, if you're interested.

 

[Ast87]

My boyfriend and I both masturbate, am I am completely fine with it. He uses porn while he does it, and thats fine with me too. While we are apart for the time being, we find it erotic to listen to each other get off, or tell each other what we have been doing. When we are living together we don't masturbate very much but there are times when I want to watch him or he wants to watch me. There is no reason to hide it from your partner or feel any guilt about it. There has never been an occasion when my bf has masturbated then been unable to perform, so this isn't an issue for us. He knows when he gets home hes gonna get some, so he holds off!

 

[M's girl]

Masturbation within a relationship is just a natural thing to me. Why shouldn't it be? Like others have said already I would not like it if it would replace our sexlife. That happened to me one time. No matter how I tried to make it clear to him that the only thing I did not like about it was that he did it so secretly (he does not have to tell me all of the time but hiding it is something else) and that it effected our sexlife (we lived together and after he had jerked off by himself his eagerness to have sex with me went to level zero ), he did not get it and went along with it anyway.

I thought, at the time, that our sexlife was pretty good and regular. I can understand how masturbation is different and something one wants and needs sometimes (I do too) but this just interfered with our intimate time together. With that partner we never were open enough to masturbate together, although I helped myself while having sex because I had a hard time reaching orgasm otherwise (mainly PIV). But never intentionally and openly.

With M it's different. We can talk about everything and he will ask me to play with myself in front of him. I was a bit shy at first but after that it felt natural enough.

I have more opportunity to masturbate alone than M does. Even though I can orgasm many times a day I prefer most of the time to wait for him to have sex together.

 

[mdcplhavnfun]

Just reinforcing what other have said...

It's not the masturbating or watching porn that can hurt the relationship, it's the secrecy surrounding those things that is hurtful. If you masturbate to porn, and she doesn't know, I can imagine that when she did find out she would immediately feel inadequate - like she didn't turn you on anymore, and you had to hide that from her.

But if you are up front and tell her that you think she is hot and sexy, and that you like to watch porn too, she will feel better about it. Truthfully, from the woman's point of view, she may not want to have sex as much as you do, and won't care that you use porn to stay satisfied, as long as you can satisfy her when it is time!

And from personal experience, it is fantastic to watch my husband watch porn. I love to see him get all excited, and then be the one that gets to satisfy him. Maybe she would want to join in?

 

[subwannabe]

I think it is an individual thing. My wife feels differently than the women who responded here. I would like to have sex many more times than my wife does during a week (no huge surprise there) but she gets offended if I want to masturbate during those times when she isn't interested. It makes her feel inadequate if I want to masturbate instead of having sex with her but then she isn't even interested at those times in the first place! I guess she thinks I should just hold off but I don't want to and don't feel I should have to. Often I just say the hell with it, if I'm going to get off today then I'm going to have to do it myself. If she actually winds up wanting to have sex that night then she's just going to have to accept that I may not be at 100%. I do have to sneak off and do it on the sly and that bothers her, because she knows. We do enjoy masturbating in front of each other, but if she's not in the mood, then she's not in the mood, and I'm left to my own device. We had a talk about a lot of things the other night (for about the 10th time) and it seemed to be going a lot better and actually thought I had gotten through to her. But, alas, I think the last sex we had was Sunday and here it is Thursday and I doubt we'll do it tonight either. We have a severe Mars/Venus thing happening and she just doesn't get it and I guess neither do I.

 

[chris9]

I believe I masturbate more often than he does, though I'm not sure how often he does. I'm also pretty sure I watch more porn, but again, I'm not sure. Usually we don't tell each other that we're planning on masturbating. Sometimes if one of us is horny but tired, the other will satisfy them and then masturbate while the tired one falls asleep. Sometimes one asks the other if they lately masturbated, out of curiosity.
I know that I would certainly miss something if I wouldn't be able to masturbate. I like to know myself, what I like. It's also a nice treat that has less calories than chocolate and costs less money than new shoes.
Especially if we don't have sex for a while I prefer if he masturbates inbetween. Fresh sperm tastes better.

 

[SweetErika]

I think it is an individual thing. My wife feels differently than the women who responded here. I would like to have sex many more times than my wife does during a week (no huge surprise there) but she gets offended if I want to masturbate during those times when she isn't interested. It makes her feel inadequate if I want to masturbate instead of having sex with her but then she isn't even interested at those times in the first place!

I guess she thinks I should just hold off but I don't want to and don't feel I should have to. Often I just say the hell with it, if I'm going to get off today then I'm going to have to do it myself. If she actually winds up wanting to have sex that night then she's just going to have to accept that I may not be at 100%.

I do have to sneak off and do it on the sly and that bothers her, because she knows. We do enjoy masturbating in front of each other, but if she's not in the mood, then she's not in the mood, and I'm left to my own device.

We had a talk about a lot of things the other night (for about the 10th time) and it seemed to be going a lot better and actually thought I had gotten through to her. But, alas, I think the last sex we had was Sunday and here it is Thursday and I doubt we'll do it tonight either. We have a severe Mars/Venus thing happening and she just doesn't get it and I guess neither do I.

I understand your POV, but am wondering why you're not 100% when you have sex the same day you masturbate. Can you only get off once a day, or is your masturbation so vigorous (and endurance so poor) that you tire yourself jacking off?

This might sound silly and counterintuitive, but have you tried planning sex? For example, if she's usually in the mood on the weekend because she's not tired from work or under as much stress, you could plan, say, Sunday to be your staple, then maybe add some other times or less-involved activities (e.g. oral, quickies, mutual masturbation) as the mood strikes you during the rest of the week. If that doesn't happen, agree masturbation is fair game, and neither of you will take steps to hide it because that leads to negative feelings.

We're in the habit of having high quality sex on the weekend because there's less stress, exhaustion and time pressure. During the week, we supplement with quicker activities and pleasing ourselves. It sounds unromantic to plan sex, but it works really well for us (not that it's terribly rigid), and the anticipation and knowledge that we can really relax, explore and enjoy it fully is very romantic in the end. We end up having a lot more sex because planning avoids pressure misunderstandings.

We had some misunderstandings/miscommunication regarding masturbation (namely that we'd masturbate to avoid making the sick or tired partner feel pressured) years ago, and our solution was an agreement we would always give each other the opportunity to participate first if it was being used as a substitute for sex. If he knows I'm not in the mood for whatever reason, he might say, "I'm horny, but know you might not be up for sex tonight. I was considering masturbating; would you like to join me?"

Then I'm free to help him or decline, and there's no hiding. It's very rare for me to not be able, or want, to muster the desire to help him in some way, even if it's just being there, touching each other a little and talking dirty while he jacks off; usually I'm happy to give him a hand or blowjob. This also helps us communicate about our desire for sex because we've been known to assume the other isn't interested, when they really would have been had they known it was a want/need.

 

[BreeCarter]

Are you hurt if your guy masturbates ? Does he hide it from you ? Does he use porn ? What about the same questions for women ?

What would happen if he masturbated, without you knowing and then you wanted to have sex and he wasn't into it or couldn't ?

What happens if he catches you masturbating ? Or vice versa ?

Do you tell each other when you are going to masturbate ? Hey honey, I'm going into the bedroom to masturbate now.

i have no problem with him masturbating. neither of us hide it, in fact we usually invite the other to join or watch or whatever. does he use porn? no, not unless it's ours. if he used other porn, i would be hurt. i don't use porn either. i usually just lay back, close my eyes and think about the hottest sex me and my man had. i think if he masturbated without me knowing and didn't want me or couldn't, i think at that point i'd feel hurt. i'm damn near always willing anytime to have sex or give him head or whatever so i'd feel a little offended. if he caught me masturbating, it'd probably turn us both on. and the last couple times i masturbated i came out of the shower, went straight to the room and told him if he wouldn't help me, i'd help myself if he wanted to come watch.

 

[rydia57]

Just my opinion Newbie, but she must be the seriously jealous type if you have to hide it from her. Wow.... but when I was dating, I still got off. You can't expect SO to be able to give it to you 24/7, right?

 

[BetweenHerLegs]

Never In Secret

My current girlfriend and I are very open about our masturbation. We don't shut the door when we do it, and we've each walked in on it. Sometimes we even masturbate watching eachother. It's pretty damned hot to that, actually.

It was different with my ex, though. It hurt her feelings to think that her touch wasn't enough for me. And if I were doing it because she wasn't in the mood her response was, "And I'm not worth waiting for?" Sounds a little bitchy, I suppose, but I really understood what she meant.

But I didn't stop masturbating, I just started doing it in secret. BIG MISTAKE. When you start doing that, you might as well be leading a secret life, and I'm 100% positive it's part of what ended our relationship. In retrospect, she was definitely worth waiting for, but I was a horny kid and wasn't really thinking long-term.

 

[kurvy1]

Masturbation

I simply love to catch my husband masturbating, and I don't mind at all if he uses porn while doing so... He loves to watch me too .

We don't anounce to each other when we plan to masturbate, but we don't hide it either.

I feel masturbating keeps us both horny, which is a very good thing in my book

 

[GreenVelvet]

My boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year now, and have been living together nearly as long. We have sex about once a week even though he knows I would gladly go 24/7 if he wanted. I do find him looking at porn at least once a day and hiding in the bathroom with his laptop masturbating nearly as often. He is always standoffish when he comes out of the bathroom. I don't think he has any idea how many of his secrets I know. Don't get me wrong, when we have sex it's great and every other aspect of our relationship is AMAZING, we're like best friends. I know he likes masturbation and porn so we throw that in the mix majority of the time. He knows how I feel and yet he's gone to greater lenths to hide masturbating from me...any advice at all for me?

 

[subwannabe]

Erika,

I can get off more than once a day, heck many times I can get off two times in a row or more but it does take longer to cum the second time and my load is smaller. I wish my wife would try to get me off two times, I give her multiple orgasms and all I get in return is one. When I talked to her about it the other day she confessed that she thought all men could only get off one time.

We've tried planning sex but it usually winds up I am the only one doing the planning and I get tired of having to always make the first move. If I didn't initiate sex in one way or another we would never have sex. She would never agree that masturbation is fair game. She just wants me to wait until she is in the mood or make the first move myself. I did this for years but now I'm just getting tired of being the only one who gets the ball rolling. It takes the fun out of it for me anymore.

I'm wanting my wife to either give me a quick hand job or blow job if she isn't in the mood but her point of view is if she isn't in the mood, she isn't in the mood and then she would get mad at me if I was horny and masturbated and didn't want to wait for a day she was in the mood.

We have "communicated" many, many times over all this but it doesn't take long at all before it soon goes back to the same ole same ole. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really don't want to cheat but I can't live the rest of my life like this anymore either. The bag of sex tricks we use also seems to be getting smaller and smaller all the time. She seems to have an excuse for everything but there were no excuses while we were dating. I hate to admit that she is currently pregnant but my complaint is a general complaint as our life was the exact same before she even got pregnant and that's what I'm complaining about. I do realize pregnancy can change things and if it was only a temporary thing I would be more understanding. Unfortunately, I know that even though the pregnancy is probably making it worse now, it will not be much different afterwards, in fact, it will get even worse. Most people grow and mature sexually and learn their partners more as the years go by. For some reason, in our case, the opposite seems to be true. She had wild sex in her young days (including a threesome), had sex younger than I did, had more partners than I did, and now not only doesn't she act like that anymore but we don't even do the same things we did while we were dating. The easy answer would be that something is wrong with me, but she thinks our sex life is absolutely terrific and needs no changing.