Men, emotions and mental health

[NotWise]

I know one guy who is highly emotional and sensitive. He's trying to find women to date, because he needs their emotional support and understanding. He can't find any to date, probably because they see him as too needy.

What happens when BOTH of the couple need emotional support at the same time?

The woman will often get it from friends and family. The man may look elsewhere while that's going on.

 

[ffdan]

I’m not so sure. I’m attracted to women who most guys would also think cute. So I get that.

But neither my long-term fuck buddy at college, nor my fiancé are really handsome. I don’t really like handsome guys, that often equates with assholedom in my experience. At the risk of sounding worthy, I go for character in guys. Decent people, who are smart (ideally very smart), kind, supportive, understanding and funny. And a bit kinky is nice…

I suppose I tend to like bigger guys - my boyfriend is a foot taller. Then most guys are a lot taller than me.

Em

Now I’m a sensitive emotional liberal male. But short woman get my attention.

 

[djrip]

I make a conscious effort at times to be emotionally open with a few people. It's not that natural for me. But it's rewarding when I do. I tend to get watery eyed at sappy moments in stories and books and damn near every episode of Little House on the Prairie. But then I feel compelled to hide the fact that it happened from people around me, even though I bet they'd like me more if I didn't. Go figure.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Now I’m a sensitive emotional liberal male. But short woman get my attention.

They don’t come much shorter than me .

Em

 

[Duleigh]

So I don’t want to make the same mistake about men. But, in general, is it good for guys to be in touch with their emotions?

Guys are in touch with their emotions, but they deal with it in different ways then women. We do it the wrong way, but we do it.

A man raised traditionally prioritizes his family above all else and if he's getting emotionally beaten up on the job by an angry, abusive boss, he will remain with that job to keep the paychecks coming, the children must be fed. I've survived 20 years in the military and 20 years in the high tech industry. In the military management keeps an eye out for their people, you don't want someone on the edge of a nervous collapse working with a loaded gun, an aircraft, or a nuclear warhead.

In the business world they don't give a fuck, I have spoken with several managers who have told me that they make sure that their people get the biggest paycheck that the company can write so they feel that they "own" their people. Women will up and quit, men will stick it out because that's how we're raised. That's when you see drinking, drugs, gambling, and affairs, all outlets trying to get the self loathing out of their systems. I've seen it over and over and over.

Big business and college/university faculties do not like to see veterans in their ranks because we will raise the bullshit flag without fear, I've gotten 1 college professor fired and 3 managers, no 4 managers "reassigned" because they thought I was going to roll over and play dead when they got all macho. I did end up in counseling for PTSD, but that was because of an array of vascular issues due to a DVT that was never caught. That's one thing that drives men to counseling more than anything else - the frustration of being caught in an issue they have no control over.

Where does a guy go when his wife is beating him up? It happens, but no one will believe it, they will laugh at him, everyone except a cop, and they come in on it when it's too late.

 

[ffdan]

Alright!

 

[Comshaw]

I often get told that I write girlie-men. Men who cry. Men who don’t immediately take charge. Men who might be a bit lost or even broken. Oh and men who notice the dress cut, fabric, coloration and fastenings of the FMCs attire. Mustn’t forget that.

I got a comment the other day saying that suppressing emotions is a major factor in men having mental health challenges. They were challenging multiple people who had said something along the lines of the above in comments. That made me think.

I get annoyed when women get treated as a homogenous whole. Just look at the female authors on AH, lots of diffeent personality types.

So I don’t want to make the same mistake about men. But, in general, is it good for guys to be in touch with their emotions?

Em

Being in touch with your emotions and being demonstrative about them are two different things. A lot of men are taught that they, as men, are the ones who should be, in times of struggle and strife the rock the foundation for those they love. To do that many of us do not reflect on the surface in the presence of others what is happening inside. And no it isn't really "bottling it up" because it does come out. But when it does it's when we're alone (or perhaps with one other we trust) in private to retain that illusion that we are tough as nails and don't feel what others do. That we don't hurt like others, nor shed tears. That illusion isn't for us, but for those around us who need it, expect it. Is it a good thing? A bad thing? I won't guess at that. All l know is for some of us it is our lot, the teaching of our childhood. A thing ingrained in us as much as our own name. Do I look down on men that can cry when there feel like it and allow their feelings to surface whenever? Not really. We each deal with things differently, in a way we were taught to.

Comshaw

 

[Lifestyle66]

needing emotional support does not mean being unable to function. One would hope that such a couple would talk to one another and support one another and find strength together.

One would hope.

But when stress and emotions are running high in both of them, ... it just depends on what the issues are and who can best manage theirs first.

 

[Lifestyle66]

The woman will often get it from friends and family. The man may look elsewhere while that's going on.

Basically, when both are under emotional stress, neither are depending on their spouse. Both are looking elsewhere for the support they need.

 

[EmilyMiller]

A lot of men are taught that they, as men, are the ones who should be, in times of struggle and strife the rock the foundation for those they love.

That’s so messed up. And sad. We are the same species. Not the strong and unyielding sub-species and the weak and frail sub-species.

In times of struggle and strife, I hope women can bear burdens just the same as men. I think I’d feel hurt deeply if I thought my boyfriend kept stuff to himself, or acted a certain way to “protect” me. I don’t need protecting by a superhero, i need just love and support from another human.

Em

 

[MelissaBaby]

Anybody who thinks men don't express their emotions hasn't driven in rush hour traffic much.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Anybody who thinks men don't express their emotions hasn't driven in rush hour traffic much.

Best answer by miles .

Em

 

[Comshaw]

That’s so messed up. And sad. We are the same species. Not the strong and unyielding sub-species and the weak and frail sub-species.

In times of struggle and strife, I hope women can bear burdens just the same as men. I think I’d feel hurt deeply if I thought my boyfriend kept stuff to himself, or acted a certain way to “protect” me. I don’t need protecting by a superhero, i need just love and support from another human.

Em

We are a product of not only who we were born to be, but where we came from and who we were taught to be. If something happened and your boyfriend appeared calm and controlled while being a mess on the inside, would he be keeping anything from you? Not really. And it wouldn't be "protecting by a superhero". It is love and support, from a calm, solid partner. Women bear burdens just the same as men? Of course they can and do. But most have been taught to do it in a different way is all. Not better or worse just different.

Messed up and sad? Maybe it's because I've lived that way, was taught that way and see it as an honorable way to be the only thing I can do is smile and reply: perhaps if you insist on seeing it that way.

Comshaw

 

[EmilyMiller]

We are a product of not only who we were born to be, but where we came from and who we were taught to be. If something happened and your boyfriend appeared calm and controlled while being a mess on the inside, would he be keeping anything from you?

Yes. If he was struggling / scared / upset and trying to not let me know - of course that’s keeping things from me .

Not really. And it wouldn't be "protecting by a superhero". It is love and support, from a calm, solid partner.

I’d like to be asked what I wanted maybe. I think some women (careful not to generalize) may get frustrated that their partner is not showing emotion in an emotional circumstance. They might think, WTF is wrong with him?

Women bear burdens just the same as men? Of course they can and do. But most have been taught to do it in a different way is all. Not better or worse just different.

In the 1950s maybe. I have my differences with my Mom (under-statement of the decade), but she never taught me to be anything other than me.

Messed up and sad? Maybe it's because I've lived that way, was taught that way and see it as an honorable way to be the only thing I can do is smile and reply: perhaps if you insist on seeing it that way.

Maybe women were conditioned to their role and male ones. I hope that happens less now.

I’m not trying to be argumentative, or to dis your world view. If just I am upset, of course I’d like my bf to take care of me. If just he is, then I hope I would reciprocate. If we are both upset, I’d rather we were both honest about what we were feeling and going through.

Em

 

[AchtungNight]

I’m a man with an overactive heart and mind. I struggle daily with depression & anxiety. Also bitterness, perfectionism, occasionally arrogance. These emotions are negative regardless of source.

Failed relationships, mistakes made in haste, confusion, and other conflicts only make things worse when I do not deal with my emotions properly. I’m also not some easygoing cartoon squirrel that can just separate his emotions from his main personality and be easygoing all the time (those who have played God of War Ragnarok should get my analogy). It’s a struggle that has excited and exhausted me many times.

Maybe it’s why writing from a female perspective is often easier for me so I think I don’t have to ignore emotions? Then again, I’m not a woman so I can never be sure I’m doing it right. I don’t know. Women have reason & accountability just as men do, only in movies can a man ignore them & believe he has written women well.

The stories I’m usually happiest writing, no matter the perspective, are those where I can acknowledge the bad emotions, separate myself from them, write them out of my head if necessary, then move on. This is preferable to wallowing in angst.

 

[Mr_Twister_242]

Obviously men and women both have a range of emotions. And because these emotions - even those perceived as 'negative' such as sadness or anger - have a biological function, I assume suppressing them is bad for your mental health.

In social interactions, I imagine we are mostly looking more for the 'positive' emotions that show a person as caring, empathic, etc. Someone showing these emotions will appear more charismatic, and we are more likely to befriend them.

But sexual attraction is a different beast. Whether we want it or not, sexual attraction is biologically programmed through millennia of evolution, and ensures we look for the best mate to increase our chances of survival and reproduction. Of course everyone's different and our brain can fight our primal instincts, but deep down heterosexual men are attracted to women with 'caring' attributes and heterosexual women are attracted to men with 'strong' attributes. Of course, when I say 'strong' this will certainly have evolved from mostly physical strength when we were hunters (strength, speed, agility) to more mental strength in modern society (leadership, courage, toughness).

So I'm convinced a man who cries will be seen as caring and thus likeable. But at the same time a man who often cries may also be seen as weaker and thus less attractive.

I know this is a generalization, but I also think we can't just deny our biological nature, at the very best we can use our brain to go against it.

 

[EmilyMiller]

But sexual attraction is a different beast. Whether we want it or not, sexual attraction is biologically programmed through millennia of evolution, and ensures we look for the best mate to increase our chances of survival and reproduction. Of course everyone's different and our brain can fight our primal instincts, but deep down heterosexual men are attracted to women with 'caring' attributes and heterosexual women are attracted to men with 'strong' attributes[citation needed]. Of course, when I say 'strong' this will certainly have evolved from mostly physical strength when we were hunters (strength, speed, agility) to more mental strength in modern society (leadership, courage, toughness).

 

[Lifestyle66]

...

But sexual attraction is a different beast. Whether we want it or not, sexual attraction is biologically programmed through millennia of evolution, and ensures we look for the best mate to increase our chances of survival and reproduction. Of course everyone's different and our brain can fight our primal instincts, but deep down heterosexual men are attracted to women with 'caring' attributes and heterosexual women are attracted to men with 'strong' attributes. Of course, when I say 'strong' this will certainly have evolved from mostly physical strength when we were hunters (strength, speed, agility) to more mental strength in modern society (leadership, courage, toughness).

...

So, ... as time goes by in any relationship, what happens when survival is assured with financial success and reproduction is no longer a viable option or requirement when you already have all the kids you want?

The sexual attraction changes, and those primal instincts look for a different beast.

 

[Emilymcplugger]

The whole trying to characterise gender into stereotypical behaviours is baffling. If I’ve learnt anything in life it’s that everyone acts as an individual, more likely based on their personality traits (like you observed in the AH) rather than according to their gender. On the other hand, culture may influence how someone feels they are ‘supposed’ to conduct themselves in society, based on their gender, but even then there’s no rules set in stone, where everything’s a matter of perception and context.

It’s weird isn’t it.

My go-to phrase to sum-up society is this.

Everyone is different, but people are all the same.

 

[Mr_Twister_242]

So, ... as time goes by in any relationship, what happens when survival is assured with financial success and reproduction is no longer a viable option or requirement when you already have all the kids you want?

True, that's a valid question. I think our personal situation doesn't change our sexual drivers. Even if these drivers no longer make sense in the new context, it' still our nature. But I doubt there's a lot of research in this field, given that this certainty of financial success and complete reproduction are only a very recent phenomenon for the majority of the population.

 

[Inthesewalls]

Obviously men and women both have a range of emotions. And because these emotions - even those perceived as 'negative' such as sadness or anger - have a biological function, I assume suppressing them is bad for your mental health.

In social interactions, I imagine we are mostly looking more for the 'positive' emotions that show a person as caring, empathic, etc. Someone showing these emotions will appear more charismatic, and we are more likely to befriend them.

But sexual attraction is a different beast. Whether we want it or not, sexual attraction is biologically programmed through millennia of evolution, and ensures we look for the best mate to increase our chances of survival and reproduction. Of course everyone's different and our brain can fight our primal instincts, but deep down heterosexual men are attracted to women with 'caring' attributes and heterosexual women are attracted to men with 'strong' attributes. Of course, when I say 'strong' this will certainly have evolved from mostly physical strength when we were hunters (strength, speed, agility) to more mental strength in modern society (leadership, courage, toughness).

So I'm convinced a man who cries will be seen as caring and thus likeable. But at the same time a man who often cries may also be seen as weaker and thus less attractive.

I know this is a generalization, but I also think we can't just deny our biological nature, at the very best we can use our brain to go against it.

This what we are attracted to biologically is sort of untrue. Its what society finds attractive at the time. If you look throughout history what features men and women found attractive change a lot. Fashions change, body type preferences change etc. Im not saying it not programmed in- but its Societal not biology. If you dont believe me look back at photos of famous beauties or descriptions- it can wildly differ from what we on a whole find today. We didnt evolve that quickly, just tastes changed. There is nothing wrong or bad about having taste or preference but the biology thing is used by some not great people for some not great reasons.

Men in touch with their emotions are awesome. I do feel bad that you all get that (again societal programming)that is Super hard to get past. I think what men miss (and this is not all the time/ women do this too) is that sometimes, if you cut off all emotion it comes out all at once and badly. Not saying that there arent shitty women, but we want to hear your thoughts and feelings , we do want to support you for sure.

Women are sort of "allowed" to be emotional. But we are also embarassed, guilted and shunned for being "too emotional" and gaslit that our emotions actually arent valid because emotions are like lowly bc they are associated with women. Thats why when we talk to you about our emotions, we need you to say yep- thats valid, before jumping to solutions. Women are on whole, much better at validating those emotions for others than men. Cause again men are taught deal with it. It sucks for both parties. Women are made to feel crazy and men are made to feel less of a person which is bullshit.

I kind of take issue too that people want to say its just because women expect men to be emotionless. I dont know any women like that (im 41 bi female), not again to say their arent but people tend to be kinder and happier when there is communication and their needs are met. What good is partnership if you dont have us to lean on too?

This cant happen if men dont also have men friendships to support each other. I wish men would find a way to help each other out. Id be lost without my friends, men deserve that support too- but support should not overwelm your partner (men or women). I also wish therapy (of many kinds ie not just talk) were more wildly available but mental health is pretty crap in the us.

I love stories (and men IRL) who have emotional maturity and dont gaslight me when I need to cry or react. We are all humans who are subject to our emotions. Whether we like it or not our emotions inform everything even how we logic things. Sorry for the long reply, I know this is writing (and I dont write to publish here ) but emotional depth of characters is so important I think to a good story. Otherwise its a bland retelling. Who wants to read a two dimensional character male or female?

 

[Comshaw]

Yes. If he was struggling / scared / upset and trying to not let me know - of course that’s keeping things from me .

I’d like to be asked what I wanted maybe. I think some women (careful not to generalize) may get frustrated that their partner is not showing emotion in an emotional circumstance. They might think, WTF is wrong with him?

In the 1950s maybe. I have my differences with my Mom (under-statement of the decade), but she never taught me to be anything other than me.

Maybe women were conditioned to their role and male ones. I hope that happens less now.

I’m not trying to be argumentative, or to dis your world view. If just I am upset, of course I’d like my bf to take care of me. If just he is, then I hope I would reciprocate. If we are both upset, I’d rather we were both honest about what we were feeling and going through.

Em

Hmmmmm...then perhaps you should reread this part of my original post.

"...But when it does it's when we're alone (or perhaps with one other we trust) in private to retain that illusion that we are tough as nails and don't feel what others do..."

Comshaw

 

[Mr_Twister_242]

My previous post may have lacked a bit of nuance, suggesting it's all merely biology. I think that's mostly because I've often seen similar discussions attributing everything to education and enforcing role models, completely ignoring the biological aspect of it. In reality it's almost certainly a mixture of both. After all our brain is still the filter to our perception. If your brain is trained to see a man who cries as mentally strong, then obviously the outcome will be different and you may find him sexually attractive.

Speaking for myself, I'm not ashamed to cry in the presence of a woman, and I don't see this as mental weakness. (unless it becomes excessive of course, or for no good reason)

 

[EmilyMiller]

My previous post may have lacked a bit of nuance, suggesting it's all merely biology. I think that's mostly because I've often seen similar discussions attributing everything to education and enforcing role models, completely ignoring the biological aspect of it. In reality it's almost certainly a mixture of both. After all our brain is still the filter to our perception. If your brain is trained to see a man who cries as mentally strong, then obviously the outcome will be different and you may find him sexually attractive.

Speaking for myself, I'm not ashamed to cry in the presence of a woman, and I don't see this as mental weakness. (unless it becomes excessive of course, or for no good reason)

Our brains are neurologically close to identical.
It’s a software bug.

Em

 

[EmilyMiller]

I think there is a massive generational chasm evident in this thread.

Em