Men, emotions and mental health

[Emilymcplugger]

I think there is a massive generational chasm evident in this thread.

Em

I dunno.

Myself, I am of that older generation and I cry all the time over TV shows, films, cutting onions. I think as I get older rather than becoming more bitter and closed off, the things that I love I LOVE even more, so much so I find it hard to rein in.

And I like it. I like that I can feel more. I think when I was a stoic, hide it all inside, don’t show emotions kind of guy it cut me off from people. Now I enjoy feeling a lot more and choose to cut myself off from people instead.

I used to fear my emotions would cause me to get hurt, but it’s the lack of feeling that probably does you more damage.

Or something, I dunno.

 

[EmilyMiller]

I dunno.

Myself, I am of that older generation and I cry all the time over TV shows, films, cutting onions. I think as I get older rather than becoming more bitter and closed off, the things that I love I LOVE even more, so much so I find it hard to rein in.

And I like it. I like that I can feel more. I think when I was a stoic, hide it all inside, don’t show emotions kind of guy it cut me off from people. Now I enjoy feeling a lot more and choose the cut myself off from people instead.

I used to fear my emotions would cause me to get hurt, but it’s the lack of feeling that probably does you more damage.

Or something, I dunno.

That deserves….



Em

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I often get told that I write girlie-men. Men who cry. Men who don’t immediately take charge. Men who might be a bit lost or even broken. Oh and men who notice the dress cut, fabric, coloration and fastenings of the FMCs attire. Mustn’t forget that.

I got a comment the other day saying that suppressing emotions is a major factor in men having mental health challenges. They were challenging multiple people who had said something along the lines of the above in comments. That made me think.

I get annoyed when women get treated as a homogenous whole. Just look at the female authors on AH, lots of diffeent personality types.

So I don’t want to make the same mistake about men. But, in general, is it good for guys to be in touch with their emotions?

Em

I'd say that men in general don't like to be portrayed as girly, with obvious exceptions of course. That doesn't mean your "men" are not real. There is a big difference between liking something and that thing being real or not.

Oh and men who notice the dress cut, fabric, coloration and fastenings of the FMCs attire.

I am terrible at noticing such things, even when they are obvious. Judging by my own experiences, most men have that deficiency

 

[EmilyMiller]

I am terrible at noticing such things, even when they are obvious. Judging by my own experiences, most men have that deficiency

I have been told that I’m pretty OK at writing men, but a fixation on clothing is a tell.

I do like clothes, it’s probably the most girlie thing about me .

Em

 

[Mr_Twister_242]

I think there is a massive generational chasm evident in this thread.

Can you elaborate? Do you mean older generations are more or less likely to accept men showing emotions?

 

[EmilyMiller]

Can you elaborate? Do you mean older generations are more or less likely to accept men showing emotions?

Yes.

Em

 

[lustychimera]

I often get told that I write girlie-men. Men who cry. Men who don’t immediately take charge. Men who might be a bit lost or even broken. Oh and men who notice the dress cut, fabric, coloration and fastenings of the FMCs attire. Mustn’t forget that.

I got a comment the other day saying that suppressing emotions is a major factor in men having mental health challenges. They were challenging multiple people who had said something along the lines of the above in comments. That made me think.

I get annoyed when women get treated as a homogenous whole. Just look at the female authors on AH, lots of diffeent personality types.

So I don’t want to make the same mistake about men. But, in general, is it good for guys to be in touch with their emotions?

Em

I'm quite certain that the people who bitch about men not being manly enough or taking charge of their waman are exactly the kind of people I don't want reading my stories. Alphas can go eat a dick.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I do like clothes, it’s probably the most girlie thing about me .

Em

How's your driving?

 

[EmilyMiller]

How's your driving?

Very competent!

Em

 

[HumpDayHoratio]

There is a lot of good info in this thread and I won’t retread anything but to add, I see myself in a lot of what others have written.

I will add as I’ve aged, I’ve become more in tune with my emotions and hopefully how to deal with them. It‘s a hard man that can’t soften as he ages. Maybe incorporate that into your fiction?

As far as emotions, think of writing men out of character, or against character.

For instance, when I was in the military, we had tough, hard-nosed, alphas all around. They were the types that physically could not be broken. Inevitably, when we lost a soldier, the hard-nosed type would be the first to break mentally or emotionally. Not in every incidence but enough that I noticed it.

I’m not holding myself up as any better or worse. I suffered from PTSD also so have seen both sides of the coin.

I hope this helps in your character development in some small way.

 

[MrPixel]

Yes.

Okay, so you're saying we old farts are more tolerant and understanding, and/or are more willing to admit we express emotions? Appropriately, albeit.

 

[OverconfidentSarcasm]

Okay, so you're saying we old farts are more tolerant and understanding, and/or are more willing to admit we express emotions? Appropriately, albeit.

She answered with "Yes" to a compound either/or question... and that's your takeaway?

Impressive.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I think there is a massive generational chasm evident in this thread.

Em

This thread perfectly explains why I've always preferred the company of women.

All this "taught behaviour" so many people have mentioned - it's a little scary. I must have grown up in a quite different family and cultural environment from many of the men here.

 

[Voboy]

Failed relationships, mistakes made in haste, confusion, and other conflicts only make things worse when I do not deal with my emotions properly. I’m also not some easygoing cartoon squirrel that can just separate his emotions from his main personality and be easygoing all the time (those who have played God of War Ragnarok should get my analogy). It’s a struggle that has excited and exhausted me many times.

I think, having read through this thread, that I identify as an easygoing cartoon squirrel that can just separate his emotions from his main personality and be easygoing all the time.

I suspect I'm lucky to be like that. I certainly feel like I am. I have no idea whether that's nature, nurture, neither, or both. I've never really given it much thought, either: it's just "who I am." I certainly feel like I'm an emotional man, even though I don't tend to show any emotion except, well, contentment? Satisfaction? I dunno. I certainly don't walk around bemoaning my life all the time, or even most of the time. Or, I suppose, any of the time.

I've seen enough of life to know it could be much, much, much worse, and that it is much, much, much worse for uncounted millions of people on this planet. So I have the perspective to think I've got very little to bemoan. Life's too short to be negative. I don't even have to look for the positives anymore: they're apparent to me all the time.

The last time I cried was in 1989, as nearly as I can recall. I have no doubt that many people here will think that's horrifying. I don't think of it that way: I just think of that as "me."

 

[Lifestyle66]

I think, having read through this thread, that I identify as an easygoing cartoon squirrel that can just separate his emotions from his main personality and be easygoing all the time.

I suspect I'm lucky to be like that. I certainly feel like I am. I have no idea whether that's nature, nurture, neither, or both. I've never really given it much thought, either: it's just "who I am." I certainly feel like I'm an emotional man, even though I don't tend to show any emotion except, well, contentment? Satisfaction? I dunno. I certainly don't walk around bemoaning my life all the time, or even most of the time. Or, I suppose, any of the time.

I've seen enough of life to know it could be much, much, much worse, and that it is much, much, much worse for uncounted millions of people on this planet. So I have the perspective to think I've got very little to bemoan. Life's too short to be negative. I don't even have to look for the positives anymore: they're apparent to me all the time.

The last time I cried was in 1989, as nearly as I can recall. I have no doubt that many people here will think that's horrifying. I don't think of it that way: I just think of that as "me."

They seem to think it's "taught" by our parents.

It's a difference in both genetics and life experiences from everyone around us. Some experiences from early life even among our friends and even school teachers train us to "shut up and keep trying harder".

 

[SimonDoom]

I think, having read through this thread, that I identify as an easygoing cartoon squirrel that can just separate his emotions from his main personality and be easygoing all the time.

I suspect I'm lucky to be like that. I certainly feel like I am. I have no idea whether that's nature, nurture, neither, or both. I've never really given it much thought, either: it's just "who I am." I certainly feel like I'm an emotional man, even though I don't tend to show any emotion except, well, contentment? Satisfaction? I dunno. I certainly don't walk around bemoaning my life all the time, or even most of the time. Or, I suppose, any of the time.

I've seen enough of life to know it could be much, much, much worse, and that it is much, much, much worse for uncounted millions of people on this planet. So I have the perspective to think I've got very little to bemoan. Life's too short to be negative. I don't even have to look for the positives anymore: they're apparent to me all the time.

The last time I cried was in 1989, as nearly as I can recall. I have no doubt that many people here will think that's horrifying. I don't think of it that way: I just think of that as "me."

That sounds a lot like me. I'm more of a softy than I used to be, and I get misty-eyed sometimes at movies, but for about 30 years of my life I don't think I cried a single time. I never thought about it. It was just "me."

I like to keep things pretty even-keeled and even-tempered. I have an unusual fondness for, and experience with, debate, and as a result I may sound more rancorous in the way I talk and write than I really feel. It's just the way I communicate. It's not emotional. I think men compartmentalize more (a generalization, of course, but with some truth). They'll weep over a lost football game but flatline over something in a romantic relationship. I've had some funny episodes of long car rides with partners where, after a long spell of silence, she apologized for being silent, which I thought was silly and unnecessary because there was nothing to apologize for, or she asked me what was wrong, and I told her nothing was wrong but I was thinking about the game I watched on TV the previous weekend.

Another "tell", I think: Women are more apt, when a situation arises, to want to express themselves and to be heard, and men are more apt to want to cut to the chase and fix the problem. If you write a man who responds to a woman with the words, "Please tell me how you feel, and take all the time you need," I'm going to think that's probably a woman writer.

I think the generalization about men not noticing clothes is somewhat true, but I always noticed that kind of thing much more than my ex-longtime partner did. She didn't notice those things at all.

As to Lifestyle's point about nature or nurture and parenting, I'm agnostic on the nature v. nurture issue, although I suspect it's a combination of both. Nobody ever put pressure on me growing up to "act like a man" or to hide my feelings. I'm not sure where my attitudes came from.

 

[Voboy]

I think the generalization about men not noticing clothes is somewhat true, but I always noticed that kind of thing much more than my ex-longtime partner did. She didn't notice those things at all.

I like art and architecture, and I look at clothes the same way: it's all just design, whether it's harmonious or horrible. And I notice that, whether it's a building, a bridge, a car, a gown, or a tux. Or shoes. Or a hairstyle. Or earrings. Glasses frames. Penmanship. Etc.

As to Lifestyle's point about nature or nurture and parenting, I'm agnostic on the nature v. nurture issue, although I suspect it's a combination of both. Nobody ever put pressure on me growing up to "act like a man" or to hide my feelings. I'm not sure where my attitudes came from.

Yeah. It's not something I tend to think much about. My parents gave me love and support and self-confidence, and I'm grateful they did. They tended to accentuate the positive over the negative as well, so I suppose that could be something I learned observationally... but my brother didn't. He's quite a worrier, very emotional.

My mom has a debilitating disease and has been in immense pain my whole life, and yet she's never ever shown it. She doesn't see a point in doing so; she prefers to smile.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I know one guy who is highly emotional and sensitive. He's trying to find women to date, because he needs their emotional support and understanding. He can't find any to date, probably because they see him as too needy.

What happens when BOTH of the couple need emotional support at the same time?

Been there done that, the answer is a mix of "friends" and "counselling service".

 

[lc69hunter]

I often get told that I write girlie-men. Men who cry. Men who don’t immediately take charge. Men who might be a bit lost or even broken. Oh and men who notice the dress cut, fabric, coloration and fastenings of the FMCs attire. Mustn’t forget that.

I got a comment the other day saying that suppressing emotions is a major factor in men having mental health challenges. They were challenging multiple people who had said something along the lines of the above in comments. That made me think.

I get annoyed when women get treated as a homogenous whole. Just look at the female authors on AH, lots of diffeent personality types.

So I don’t want to make the same mistake about men. But, in general, is it good for guys to be in touch with their emotions?

Em

I've laughed, I've cried, I've been down. It is part of life. Don't be ashamed of it.

As for some of the comments you have received, I read and comment a lot. In the LW genre, at the two extremes, I get very disgusted with how the author portrays the MMC. Neither one has much basis in reality. You tend to write men as they really are.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Okay, so you're saying we old farts are more tolerant and understanding, and/or are more willing to admit we express emotions? Appropriately, albeit.

Something like that .

Em

 

[EmilyMiller]

If you write a man who responds to a woman with the words, "Please tell me how you feel, and take all the time you need," I'm going to think that's probably a woman writer.

And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for you pesky kids and your dog!

Many of my men are good listeners - busted!

Em

 

[SimonDoom]

And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn’t for you pesky kids and your dog!

Many of my men are good listeners - busted!

Em

On the other hand, one doesn't have to write to the norm.

 

[stickygirl]

How this thread sounds to me

 

[Rob_Royale]

I'm an empath by nature. I feel everything. I want to bring home and nurture every lost/hurt animal. A happy or sad story will leave me in tears. As a child, Black Beauty crushed me and later Dead Poets Society destroyed me. It's a trait my wife loves about me and I don't mind it so much, but I wish I could turn it down a bit. To my father's credit (he's a boomer and I'm gen-x) I never got the "man up" or "men don't cry" schtick. So I managed to grow up without much emotional baggage or self-image issues. Aside from a case of ADD (no hyperactivity, thank goodness) I'm pretty well put together.

 

[EmilyMiller]

On the other hand, one doesn't have to write to the norm.

Agreed