phantom4533
eh … fuck it.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
More Humour
- Thread starter Handley_Page
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Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that..."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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"Bike still for sale?"
'Yes'
"What's the lowest you'll go on it?"
'2mph. Anything less and you'll fall over.'
'Yes'
"What's the lowest you'll go on it?"
'2mph. Anything less and you'll fall over.'
Hypoxia
doesn't watch television
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- 28,080
Lower limit on a recumbent is closer to 5mph. The most difficult and deadly moment on a BikeE semi-'bent is going from zero to five. Fortunately it's low, so one doesn't fall far.
_____
A vicar was stopped by the police at night for not having a back light.
The vicar says, “I don’t need a back light, the Lord is with me.”
The policeman says, “Two on a bike as well, that’s another offence.”
_____
I’ve really had it with my dog,” says a guy to his neighbour. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”
“Hmmm, that is a problem,” says the neighbour. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”
_____
A pedestrian steps off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.
“You were really lucky there,” says the cyclist.
“What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!” says the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.
The cyclist replies, “Well, usually I drive a bus!”
_____
Jack and Jill have just climbed a steep hill on their tandem.
“Phew, that was a tough climb,” said Jill, leaning over, breathing hard. “That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it.”
“Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on,” said Jack, “or we’d have slid all the way back down!”
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Entered in Error
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BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
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While walking hand-in-hand with his father, a little boy spied a shiny red tricycle in a shop window and begged his father, "I want that! Can I have it?"
Dad stooped down, looked his son straight in the eyes, and asked, "I don't know, son. Is your pee-pee long enough to touch your butt?"
Though very confused by the question, the little boy gave the honest answer, "No."
"Then I guess you can't have it," answered his father, continuing their walk.
Several years later, the older boy and his father strolled past the same shop. Glistening in the window was a beautiful red bicycle. "Hey Dad? That's a sharp looking bike. I sure would like to have it."
Dad stops, studies his son for a moment and asked, "Depends, is your dick long enough to touch your butthole?"
"No," said the boy, kicking a rock and resuming their stroll as confused as he had been several years back.
Years later, after saving his money, the boy had matured into a strapping young man with his eyes set on the prize of a beautiful red Corvette on the lot of a local car dealership. He had the down payment and could afford the payments, he just needed a co-signer for the loan.
Strolling up to his dad, in a deep, booming, manly voice, he made his request, "I can afford it, I just need a co-signer."
Once more, his father asked, "Depends, son, is your prick long enough to touch your asshole?"
Swelling up his chest, the young man answered with pride, "As a matter of fact, it is."
"Good!" said Dad. "Then go fuck yourself."
Dad stooped down, looked his son straight in the eyes, and asked, "I don't know, son. Is your pee-pee long enough to touch your butt?"
Though very confused by the question, the little boy gave the honest answer, "No."
"Then I guess you can't have it," answered his father, continuing their walk.
Several years later, the older boy and his father strolled past the same shop. Glistening in the window was a beautiful red bicycle. "Hey Dad? That's a sharp looking bike. I sure would like to have it."
Dad stops, studies his son for a moment and asked, "Depends, is your dick long enough to touch your butthole?"
"No," said the boy, kicking a rock and resuming their stroll as confused as he had been several years back.
Years later, after saving his money, the boy had matured into a strapping young man with his eyes set on the prize of a beautiful red Corvette on the lot of a local car dealership. He had the down payment and could afford the payments, he just needed a co-signer for the loan.
Strolling up to his dad, in a deep, booming, manly voice, he made his request, "I can afford it, I just need a co-signer."
Once more, his father asked, "Depends, son, is your prick long enough to touch your asshole?"
Swelling up his chest, the young man answered with pride, "As a matter of fact, it is."
"Good!" said Dad. "Then go fuck yourself."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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The best divorce letter ever from a man to his wife
Dear Yvonne...
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad any more. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Yvonne." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. T*ts like you would not believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Yvonne? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.
Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Yvonne, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Yvonne, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Yvonne. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking tv remote is.
Love from your soon to be ex husband.
Dear Yvonne...
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad any more. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Yvonne." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. T*ts like you would not believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Yvonne? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.
Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Yvonne, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Yvonne, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Yvonne. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking tv remote is.
Love from your soon to be ex husband.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
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- 78,287
A man walks in to a bar with a poodle.
"I am sorry" say the barman, "but we don't allow pets in here"
"He's not my pet" replies the man "its my guide dog"
"Guide dog ?" retorts the barman "I thought they normally give you Labradors"
"Why?" asks the man "What have they given me?"
"I am sorry" say the barman, "but we don't allow pets in here"
"He's not my pet" replies the man "its my guide dog"
"Guide dog ?" retorts the barman "I thought they normally give you Labradors"
"Why?" asks the man "What have they given me?"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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Every year for quite a while, most of Europe at Christmas stops doing whatever it was and watches the TV for 15 mins or so; the reason is a famous sketch called "Dinner for One" starring Freddie Frinton & May Warner. The only place it wasn't broadcast was the UK, but we got it last year, I think.
This is a real gem, so please forgive the German introduction.
It seems Miss Sophie is enjoying a birthday at a ripe old age, and she imagines that some of her friends are still around, for the table is set for four guests,
Dinner For One.
Do watch it right to the end. . . .
PS. More about it can be found HERE
This is a real gem, so please forgive the German introduction.
It seems Miss Sophie is enjoying a birthday at a ripe old age, and she imagines that some of her friends are still around, for the table is set for four guests,
Dinner For One.
Do watch it right to the end. . . .
PS. More about it can be found HERE
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LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
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- May 19, 2018
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- 6,224
A guy walks into a bar. He is wearing a long trench coat. He sits at the bar, reaches into his trench coat, and pulls out a perfect miniature baby grand piano and sets it on the bar. Next, he pulls out a matching piano stool and he sets that on the bar. Finally, he pulls out a little man who is only one foot tall. This little guy sits at the piano, and begins playing a Bach concerto flawlessly.
The bartender stares, and then asks, "Where the hell did you get that?"
"I'll tell you if you give me a drink," the guy replies.
The bartender serves up a rum and coke. The guy drains it quickly, with an annoyed expression on his face.
"There's this gypsy fortune teller who has a business right down the street," the guy says. The bartender nods. He's seen the place. The guy then continues, "Well, if you pay her a hundred bucks, she supposedly can grant you one wish. The thing is, she's really hard of hearing. So, you need to speak VERY LOUDLY and VERY CLEARLY. 'Cause you know for damn sure I didn't wish for a twelve-inch pianist!"
The bartender stares, and then asks, "Where the hell did you get that?"
"I'll tell you if you give me a drink," the guy replies.
The bartender serves up a rum and coke. The guy drains it quickly, with an annoyed expression on his face.
"There's this gypsy fortune teller who has a business right down the street," the guy says. The bartender nods. He's seen the place. The guy then continues, "Well, if you pay her a hundred bucks, she supposedly can grant you one wish. The thing is, she's really hard of hearing. So, you need to speak VERY LOUDLY and VERY CLEARLY. 'Cause you know for damn sure I didn't wish for a twelve-inch pianist!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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One dark and stormy night, a travelling salesmen is wending his weary way home when his car gives up on him. After a few minutes of swearing and kicking the tyres he sets off in the direction of a distant light.
As he approaches he realises it's a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. He knocks on the door, which is answered by an attractive woman. The salesman explains his predicament and asks if he can stay the night.
"Yes" answers the lady "but I must tell you first, we have a spare room ready made up, I have no daughters, only sons, my husband and I are happily married, the barns are all well lit and as we are an arable farm, we have no animals to speak of".
The salesman looked puzzled and said "Bu66er, I'm in the wrong joke!"
As he approaches he realises it's a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. He knocks on the door, which is answered by an attractive woman. The salesman explains his predicament and asks if he can stay the night.
"Yes" answers the lady "but I must tell you first, we have a spare room ready made up, I have no daughters, only sons, my husband and I are happily married, the barns are all well lit and as we are an arable farm, we have no animals to speak of".
The salesman looked puzzled and said "Bu66er, I'm in the wrong joke!"
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
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An older, blind gentleman walks into Wal-Mart with his seeing-eye dog on a leash. He wanders through the aisles, minding his own business, and doesn't attract any attention UNTIL--
He gets to an open area in the middle of the store, seizes the dog's leash with both hands, and begins swinging the poor animal in wide, sweeping circles over his head. The terrified dog begins yapping furiously, and everyone within two aisles is staring in horror.
A young sales associate comes running over, keeping his head down so that he doesn't get hit with the animal.
"Sir! Can I help you?" the young man asks.
"Nah, I'm good," the blind gentleman replies. "Just looking around."
He gets to an open area in the middle of the store, seizes the dog's leash with both hands, and begins swinging the poor animal in wide, sweeping circles over his head. The terrified dog begins yapping furiously, and everyone within two aisles is staring in horror.
A young sales associate comes running over, keeping his head down so that he doesn't get hit with the animal.
"Sir! Can I help you?" the young man asks.
"Nah, I'm good," the blind gentleman replies. "Just looking around."
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
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- May 19, 2018
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So, my wife was doing her usual evening routine around Christmas time, reading up on her Facebook while watching television, when she suddenly burst out laughing.
"You've gotta see this!" she exclaimed.
Someone had posted this link: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...akes-blow-SEX-DOLL-sheep-school-nativity.html
Evidently, this woman had sent her son to school with a shepherd costume that came with an INFLATABLE SHEEP SEX DOLL!
I just shook my head in disbelief, but the article seemed genuine.
"Seriously?!?" I thought. "They have inflatable sheep sex dolls? WHERE THE HELL WERE THESE WHEN I WAS IN THE NAVY?"
All we had were Marines...
"You've gotta see this!" she exclaimed.
Someone had posted this link: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/ar...akes-blow-SEX-DOLL-sheep-school-nativity.html
Evidently, this woman had sent her son to school with a shepherd costume that came with an INFLATABLE SHEEP SEX DOLL!
I just shook my head in disbelief, but the article seemed genuine.
"Seriously?!?" I thought. "They have inflatable sheep sex dolls? WHERE THE HELL WERE THESE WHEN I WAS IN THE NAVY?"
All we had were Marines...
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
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- 78,287
The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.
"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"
"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."
"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."
"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.
"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".
Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.
The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.
He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"
"About half past two," she replied
"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"
"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."
"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."
"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.
"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".
Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.
The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.
He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"
"About half past two," she replied
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
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- May 19, 2018
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- 6,224
I was going through some older e-mails today & ran across this gem...
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket
every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket
every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
- Joined
- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 6,224
What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.
The epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
The handsome prince announced that a grand ball would be held to which everyone was invited. Cinderella was excited but her wicked stepmother and the ugly step sisters would not let her go. She was sitting disconsolately amid the ashes when her fairy godmother appeared before her.
"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"
"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."
"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."
"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.
"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".
Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.
The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.
He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"
"About half past two," she replied
"Why are you so sad, Cinderella?"
"Because my stepmother and stepsisters won't let me go to the ball."
"You shall go to the ball, Cinderella. I will provide you with the most beautiful dress and glass slippers, a coach and horses and footmen to attend you."
"Oh, thank you, fairy godmother!" Cinderella happily gushed.
"There is just one condition, Cinderella, and you must listen to it carefully," warned the fairy godmother. "You must be home by midnight because if you are not, on the stroke of midnight your fanny will turn into a melon".
Cinderella accepted this condition and in the twinkling of an eye the promised goodies were before her and she set off for the ball. The ball was as wonderful as she expected. She danced with the handsome prince who only had eyes for her and, when the interval came she went into supper on the arm of the prince and sat opposite him.
The first course was a slice of melon and the sight of this recalled to Cinderella's mind the condition that her fairy godmother had imposed. Cinderella felt sad that she had to go home so early and picked up her knife and fork to start on her slice of melon. The prince, on the other hand, ignored his knife and fork. He seized the slice of melon in both hands and buried his face in it. He took the flesh into his mouth and slurped over it as he sucked and swallowed the succulent fruit. He did not stop until he had got every drop of goodness from it. He took the rind away from his face and juices were running down his chin.
He said to Cinderella, as he laid the rind aside, "What time do you have to be home?"
"About half past two," she replied
Tio_Narratore
Studies
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2008
- Posts
- 81,057
Another spoonerism or two...
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in the bathtub?
The nun has hope in her soul.
What's the difference between a magic show and a beauty pageant?
The magic show features a cunning bunch of stunts.
What's the difference between a nun and a woman in the bathtub?
The nun has hope in her soul.
What's the difference between a magic show and a beauty pageant?
The magic show features a cunning bunch of stunts.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
The President was sitting in the oval office waiting for his daily breifing, his aide comes in a says 'sir, i have terible news, last night we lost a brizian solider'
POTUS was shocked, sunned, how could this have happened?
He replied: ' oh my good god, that awful; tell me exactly how many is a brizilian?'
POTUS was shocked, sunned, how could this have happened?
He replied: ' oh my good god, that awful; tell me exactly how many is a brizilian?'
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
- Joined
- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 6,224
The way I heard that one, it was George Bush in the Oval Office. Military advisors were giving him casualty figures from the joint task force in Iraq. When he was told that they had lost four Brazilian soldiers, he slumped into his chair and turned pale.
"My God," President Bush murmured. "That's terrible!"
After a long pause, he asked, "How many is a Brazillion?"
"My God," President Bush murmured. "That's terrible!"
After a long pause, he asked, "How many is a Brazillion?"
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
- Joined
- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 6,224
There was a costume party at a high-rise hotel one weekend. It wasn't Halloween, so the costumes were very diverse. The bar on the ground floor of the hotel closed for the night rather early, so many of the party-goers decided to look for another bar.
Just down the street from the hotel, there was a local watering hole. The bartender looked up and narrowed his eyes. The door opened, and in walked a clown, a priest, a rabbi, a gorilla and the Easter Bunny.
"Is this some kind of joke?" the bartender asked.
Just down the street from the hotel, there was a local watering hole. The bartender looked up and narrowed his eyes. The door opened, and in walked a clown, a priest, a rabbi, a gorilla and the Easter Bunny.
"Is this some kind of joke?" the bartender asked.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A beautiful blonde enters the hair salon.
“How would you like it?” the hairdresser asks, once she has taken place in the chair.
No answer.
Unfazed, he drapes the cape around her. Probably just a trim.
His hands go to the earphones, but the girl resolutely waves her finger; earphones stay in.
Okay…
The fee is substantial, so customers’ wishes should be followed, whenever possible…
He cuts, the girl seems fine, he cuts some more… but at some point, it would be very much preferable to remove those earphones, if only for just a minute. But the waving finger is adamant.
He cuts, cuts some more, and then… Oh, Mighty Lord, he cuts through the wire of the earphones…
Strangely enough, the girl doesn’t react…
Okay… the if the girl doesn’t react… the hairdresser resumes cutting… until the girl drops onto the ground… death…
‘Oh, f**k’, the hairdresser thinks, ‘what have I done!’
Ambulance, police come in, check the scene, the hairdresser tells what happened, a policeman checks the audio the girl was listening to, and then tells the hairdresser, “You killed that girl!”
“Oh, God! How!” the hairdresser blubbers, not understanding what on earth could have caused her death.
The policeman plugs in another set of earplugs and gives them to the hairdresser. He listens…
“Breathe in… Breathe out… Breathe in…”
“How would you like it?” the hairdresser asks, once she has taken place in the chair.
No answer.
Unfazed, he drapes the cape around her. Probably just a trim.
His hands go to the earphones, but the girl resolutely waves her finger; earphones stay in.
Okay…
The fee is substantial, so customers’ wishes should be followed, whenever possible…
He cuts, the girl seems fine, he cuts some more… but at some point, it would be very much preferable to remove those earphones, if only for just a minute. But the waving finger is adamant.
He cuts, cuts some more, and then… Oh, Mighty Lord, he cuts through the wire of the earphones…
Strangely enough, the girl doesn’t react…
Okay… the if the girl doesn’t react… the hairdresser resumes cutting… until the girl drops onto the ground… death…
‘Oh, f**k’, the hairdresser thinks, ‘what have I done!’
Ambulance, police come in, check the scene, the hairdresser tells what happened, a policeman checks the audio the girl was listening to, and then tells the hairdresser, “You killed that girl!”
“Oh, God! How!” the hairdresser blubbers, not understanding what on earth could have caused her death.
The policeman plugs in another set of earplugs and gives them to the hairdresser. He listens…
“Breathe in… Breathe out… Breathe in…”
beachbum1958
Indolent Adventurer
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2012
- Posts
- 1,014
It was the last night in the dormitory at the Catholic convent school, and the Mother Superior gathered all the teenage girls together to give them some last-minute pearls of wisdom before they left.
"Now girls,' she began, 'tomorrow you go out into the wide world, you're all young ladies now, very attractive young ladies, and there are so many traps for lovely young girls like you. There are men out there who prey on young, innocent girls like you, so you have to be on your guard; don't fall for the first man you meet, they're usually the worst; they'll tempt you with nightclubs and parties, ply you with drink, and take advantage of your innocence."
One of the girls held up her hand, so the Mother Superior nodded to her.
"Yes Bernice, did you have a question?"
"Yes, Mother Superior," siad Bernice. "These men, how will they take advantage of us, what do you mean?"
The Mother Superior blushed.
"It's...I mean...look, they'll want to have, you know...sex with you, and we all know that sex is wicked, don't we, girls?"All the girls nodded, except Bernice, who held up her hand again.
"Yes, Bernice?" said the Mother Superior.
"Is that true, Mother Superior, really?"
Mother superior nodded again.
"Yest Bernice, they only want one thing, and when they've taken it from you they leave in the morning without a word, and leave some money on the pillow!"
"Really?" Said Bernice, "they actually leave money?"
"YES Bernice, they leave money! Why do you keep asking?" growled the Mother Superior.
"Because Bishop Harris only leaves apples..."
"Now girls,' she began, 'tomorrow you go out into the wide world, you're all young ladies now, very attractive young ladies, and there are so many traps for lovely young girls like you. There are men out there who prey on young, innocent girls like you, so you have to be on your guard; don't fall for the first man you meet, they're usually the worst; they'll tempt you with nightclubs and parties, ply you with drink, and take advantage of your innocence."
One of the girls held up her hand, so the Mother Superior nodded to her.
"Yes Bernice, did you have a question?"
"Yes, Mother Superior," siad Bernice. "These men, how will they take advantage of us, what do you mean?"
The Mother Superior blushed.
"It's...I mean...look, they'll want to have, you know...sex with you, and we all know that sex is wicked, don't we, girls?"All the girls nodded, except Bernice, who held up her hand again.
"Yes, Bernice?" said the Mother Superior.
"Is that true, Mother Superior, really?"
Mother superior nodded again.
"Yest Bernice, they only want one thing, and when they've taken it from you they leave in the morning without a word, and leave some money on the pillow!"
"Really?" Said Bernice, "they actually leave money?"
"YES Bernice, they leave money! Why do you keep asking?" growled the Mother Superior.
"Because Bishop Harris only leaves apples..."
LexxRuthless
Captain Corruption
- Joined
- May 19, 2018
- Posts
- 6,224
This wasn't a blonde joke.
A friend of ours works as an IT support tech for a handful of companies in the Philadelphia area. He frequently made office visits to help fix issues that the staff might have with new programs or security protocols. One young lady was "having issues with her computer" so he went to her desk and prepared to log onto her computer to see what the problem was.
"What's your password?" he asked. He started to type it in as she rattled off:
"SupermanBatmanRobinSpidermanJokerGrumpyBashfulTopeka."
He stopped halfway through and looked at her.
"That whole thing is your password?" he asked incredulously.
"Yeah," she replied. "It has to have seven characters and a capitol."
A friend of ours works as an IT support tech for a handful of companies in the Philadelphia area. He frequently made office visits to help fix issues that the staff might have with new programs or security protocols. One young lady was "having issues with her computer" so he went to her desk and prepared to log onto her computer to see what the problem was.
"What's your password?" he asked. He started to type it in as she rattled off:
"SupermanBatmanRobinSpidermanJokerGrumpyBashfulTopeka."
He stopped halfway through and looked at her.
"That whole thing is your password?" he asked incredulously.
"Yeah," she replied. "It has to have seven characters and a capitol."
