LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

More Humour

Two policemen were sitting in their panda car, in the street across from a popular pub waiting for kicking out time.

With about five minutes to go, a man stumbles through the pub doors, staggers across the car park and tries his keys in the doors of three cars before finding his own. The police watching all the time see the windscreen wipers start and stop, indictors flashing every which way.

Meanwhile other patrons are coming out, getting in the their cars and giving him a well-wide birth as they leave. Finally the car starts, shoots back three feet and stalls.

The rest of the other cars leave with a bigger gap between them and the car with the hazard lights on and headlights on full.

By the time he gets the car started a second time, he's left all alone in the car park. He pulls smoothly round, indicates and pulls out onto the public road.

Immediately the police cars light flash blue and a little waver from the siren and the car pulls over by the curb.

The copper gets out and saunters casually up to the car. He taps on the window and the guy winds it down.

"Well sir", says the copper, "you're not the designated driver are you!?!"

"Nope", says the driver, "I'm the designated decoy."
 
A wealthy, successful blonde is cruising down the freeway in her convertible when she spies another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a pasture. Worse? That other blonde is actually trying to row the boat!

Furious, the blonde in the convertible sports car screeches to a halt, stands up in her seat and screams at the blonde in the boat, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! Why, if I could swim, I would . . ."
 
A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, bu t damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets.

The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
 
Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was holding the first one's hand.

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.
 
Warning--Groaner

Everyone is familiar with the story of the Titanic, and how it sank in 1912. However, few people know that the second port of call for the great ship was Veracruz, Mexico. It was carrying a cargo of mayonnaise intended for the people of Mexico as a gift from the British people.

Communication was somewhat slow in those days, so it was nearly a month until news arrived that that Titanic had sunk. When the people of Mexico heard about the loss of one of their favorite condiments, they decided to commemorate a day in its remembrance. They decided to call it—are you ready for this? "Sinko de Mayo." :)
 
A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer secretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh1t"
 
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.
 
A walked into a bar and immediately ordered 6 straight up shots of whiskey. As he began working through them, the bartender said, "Mister, no orders that without a story behind it."

Halfway through his row of shots, the man opened up with his story. "I've always dreamt of learning to fly. After years of saving money, I took my first flight lesson. As soon as we got up in the air, I fell in love. It was as beautiful as I ever dreamt it would be soaring among the clouds." He pauses to knock back a couple more shots. before continuing his story.

"That's when my flight instructor put the plan on auto-pilot, turned to me and explained, 'I'm a black belt in karate, a homosexual, and I intend to have my way with you. You have one of two choices, jump or prepare for me to ass rape you."

The bartender gasps at the man's bad luck. "So you jumped, right?"

"Well sure, a little at first . . ."
 
The Airline Pilot settles into his seat and gives the usual talk to the passengers, he mistakenly leaves the Intercom on and tells the Co-Pilot:-
"Im gonna have my Coffee and then get a B**w Job from that Blonde Stewardess"

Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error,

Stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her .. "Slow down love he hasn’t finished his coffee yet"
 
A girl looks into her parent's bedroom and sees them fucking. Later she asks her mom, "Why was Daddy sticking his thing into your woo-woo?"

"He does that to give me a baby, dear."

A few days later, she sees her mom giving her dad a blow job, and asks her about that.

"When he sticks his thing into your mouth, is that to give you a baby, too?"

"No, dear. That's to give me diamonds."
 
Here is my explanation as to why Dogs sniff each others bums ..

The dogs they had a meeting,
They came from near and far,
Some came by aeroplane,
And some by motor car.

Now when they reached the meeting place,
Instructions they all took,
They had to takt their a**eholes off,
And hang them on a hook.

They filled in stately one by one,
Each mother son and sire,
But Scarcely where they seated,
But Some B*****d shouted "Fire!!"

Now out they raced in a pack,
They scarce had time to look,
As each dog grabbed an a**hole,
From the nearest hook.

Now eventually they got their a**holes on,
Which made them very sore,
To think they had a different hole,
From the one they had before.

Now to this day a dog you'll see,
Will leave a juicy bone,
To go and sniff another dog's hole,
Cos he's still searching for his own.
 
A fellow gets onto an airplane and winds up sitting next to a staggeringly beautiful redhead. They get to talking and he asks what she does for a living.

Looking him straight in the eyes, she says, “I’m a sex researcher. Actually, I’m on my way to give a paper at a conference.”

“Oh.” he replied. “What on?”

“Popular misconceptions and urban myths on sexual prowess,” she says.

“Sounds fascinating.”

“Oh, it is!” She says, obviously excited about her profession and the presentation. “Why, for instance, most people think that black men have the biggest penises, when in fact, statistically speaking, it’s Native Americans.”

“Really?”

“Uh-huh. And legend has it that the French are best at oral sex, but several recent studies surveying thousands of women have concluded that it’s actually Russian men who are best at it.”

“No kidding!”

“And most people would say that Italian men last longer in bed, but in reality, Greek men as a group last 37 percent longer.”

“I didn’t know that,” he replied.

Suddenly she blushed. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “Here I am babbling about about myself and I don’t even know your name. I’m Claire, Claire Thomas.”

“Ivan,” he said, holding out his hand. “Ivan White Buffalo, but my friends call me Demetrius.”
 
Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse in the divorce court

Judge: " Mickey, you cannot divorce Minnie on the ground that she has buck teeth"

Mickey "No Judge, I don’t want divorce on the grounds of buck teeth -
I said she was fcuking Goofy!"
 
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his Guide-Dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a treat for the dog.

A passerby who'd seen everything remarked "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply, "I was just finding out where his mouth is so I can kick him up the arse."
 
A girl was shopping for one-piece swimsuits with her mother.

Some of them were cut so that they exposed more hip over the thigh, right up to the level of the navel.

"Is that so they make the legs look longer?" the girl asked.

"No, dear. It's to make the men look longer."
 
When travelling through bear-country, take a friend with you; if a bear attacks, you won't need to outrun the bear, just your friend...

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
Loved the Notice about Bear faeces.



It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
 
An old couple go to the doctor

He asks what's wrong and the man says they want the doc to watch them have sex. Doc thinks it's weird but they are covered so he goes ahead with it.

Couple comes back four days later, and a week later with the same request. After the third time the doctor says to the man, "I don't understand, for two folks of your age you are in great shape and you seem to be experts at intercourse, what gives?"

His patient looks at him and says, "Doc we're married, but not to each other so we can't do it at home, a hotel is ninety bucks and you're only seventy-five and Medicare pays."

Love and Kisses

Lisa Ann
 
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
Janey was walking down High Street. As she walked past the Butchers, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."

Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.

"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."

So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"
 
an older couple with their grand children driving along the highway behind a truck ,
the truck swerves ,a box falls off the back of the truck , the box imploded and a giant
dildo from the box hits the windscreen. the windscreen shatters . the car comes to a shuddering halt
grandma explains that an insect has hit the windscreen and all will be well ,
the boy kid in the rear exclaims , how does anything with a cock that size fly
 
Medical acronyms:
AFU & BR - all f***ed up & beyond repair
AGA - Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
APTFRAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
AQP - Assuming the Q Position: deteriorating or dying with tongue hanging out
ART - Assuming Room Temperature (dead)
Assmosis - promotion gained by "kissing ass"
ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness
BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight
Brothelizer test - microbiology test (on swab or sample) requested by the Genito-Urinary Clinic or STD clinic
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
BTSOOM - Beats The Sh*t Out Of Me
BUNDY - But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine
C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
C2 - a "can't c**t"; lazy physician who constantly passes off work to colleagues
C&T Ward - Coma ward - "cabbages and turnips"
CBT - Chronic Burger/Biscuit Toxicity (obesity)
CFU - Complete(ly) F*ck(ed) Up
Chandelier's Sign - The result of any test or probing after which the patient must be removed from the chandelier
Chocolate Hostage – constipated
Chrome Induced Ischaemia - patient that develops inexplicable chest pains when arrested and handcuffed
Clupea fallacius rufus - red herring
Cock Doc- urologist
CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
Cranio-faecal Syndrome - shithead
CRI - Cranial-Rectal Inversion (head-up-ass syndrome)
CTD - Circling the Drain
Dagenham - "Three Stops Beyond Barking"(stations on the London Underground): severely disturbed/mad
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs (reckless motorcyclists are known as OD's(Organ Donors) and rainy days are Donation Days)
DSB - Drug-Seeking Behaviour (faking illness to fuel narcotic addiction)
Eiffel Syndrome - (From I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object in the rectum
FABIAN Syndrome - Felt Awful But I'm Alright Now
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
FLKNFN - Funny Looking Kid, Normal For Norfolk
FLK-JSPMS - Funny Looking Kid, Just Saw Parents, Mystery Solved
GOK - God Only Knows
GUCCI - Genito-Urinary Clinic, Chlamydial Infection
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
HSLI - High Speed Lead Injection (gunshot wounds)
IWB - Intercourse With Biscuits (Fucking Crackers)
JPS - Just Plain Stupid (self induced injury involving lack of common sense)
Lantern Test - shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up (no brain)
LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)
MIDI - myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
NOCTOR- Nurse who’s done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor
OBECALP - placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realise it's "placebo" in reverse when they sneak a look at their chart…)
OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
PAAF - Pissed as a fart
PAFO - Pissed [Drunk] And Fell Over
PGT - Pissed [Drunk] and Got Thumped
PHD = Pakistani Healing Dance (a useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family)
PITA - Pain in the arse
Rectoencephalitis - head-up-own-arse syndrome
SBOD - Stupid bitch/bastard on drugs
SHPOS - Sub-Human Piece of Sh*t
SHS - Sullen, Hostile, Stupid (often an inner city drug/alcohol addict)
SOCMOB - Standing On Corner Minding Own Business (when inexplicably injured)
SODDI - Some Other Doctor Did It
TAPS - Thick As Pig Shit
UNIVAC - Unusually Nasty Infection, Vultures are Circling
WAFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
WITPOMW - Why Is This Patient On My Ward?
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
 
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