More Humour

[CarlusMagnus]

Maude and Claude, both 85, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others' company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose

 

[Handley_Page]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed."

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

And what is it?' asks the doctor. . . . . . . ..

'We're having a new kitchen.'

 

[jehoram]

State trooper comes across a single-car crash, where the car sideswiped a brick wall. Inside the wreckage, the driver is moaning "My Ferrari! My Ferrari!"

The cop points to what's left of the guy's left arm, severed at the elbow, and says, "You've got a bigger problem than the car, pal!"

The driver looks at the stump and moans, "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

 

[Handley_Page]

The teacher asks, "Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.
The teacher replied, ” That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it? "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded,” That’s better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'toilet' at the table."
"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.

 

[LexxRuthless]

Q: Why are there Marines on board US Navy vessels?

A: Sheep would be too obvious.

 

[Handley_Page]

This is a copy of an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries, from the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait
till you read this guy's response - but read the entire letter before
you get to the response.

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Site Location: Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RESPONSE:

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Reference your certified letter dated 12/17/2000 has been referred to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers? or,
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of P! art 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.3010,1 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?

The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harrass them and call their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter (being unable to read English).

In my humble ! opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002 The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your answering machine, I am sending this response to your office via another government organization - the USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
The University of Texas at: Austin
Office Community Relations/Accounting unit
P.O. Box 7367
Austin, TX 78713

 

[beachbum1958]

The Best Lies to Tell Small Children:

When I was your age, Weetabix came in eight different shapes.

Kangaroos are actually mice that are REALLY close up.

It's very unlucky NOT to name every ant you see.

Before they can fight, Superheroes have to pick out all the noises their punches and kicks will make.

A large slice of ham, when slotted into a DVD, will play a short film about pigs.

One in ten fish are afraid of water.

Your daddy didn't go bald naturally. He just likes having his hair cut that way.

Mice collect your dandruff while you are sleeping. They then eat it for breakfast, like cornflakes.

Every square has a fifth side, but you won't see it unless you stare very, very hard for a long time.

If you scatter drawing pins next to an ants nest and wait 'til it rains, they'll turn them upside down and use them as umbrellas.

Once upon a time, a tooth fairy went to get one of Dracula's fangs, but Dracula's castle was really dark and she ended up cutting herself on the fang by mistake, and ever since then she's been a blood sucking vampire tooth fairy killing machine, and lived happily ever after...., goodnight.

If you want to wake up Daddy, hit him right on the zipper.

If you bathe the dog in fabric softener, he comes out all fluffy

Cat poos contain rare trace elements that can be used in medicine. This makes them very valuable. Collect them with tongs and when you've got fifty, take them to your Doctor who will pay you £10.

There are little fairies in traffic light poles who switch the lights from red to green. Never make the fairy angry, or she won't turn the light for you. Give her your biggest, brightest smile and don't forget to say "thank you" when you get to the other side of the street.

If you spin round really fast and then stop, your face will skid round to the back of your head.

Santa is the world's largest supplier of venison.

The Victorians completely forgot to have the year 1862.
The error went unnoticed for over twenty years, when they finally put matters right by slotting it in between 1885 and 1886.

If you hold your fart long enough, then sit on a wooden chair, and then fart, you could split it down the middle.
Your uncle did that many times. People would bet him money for it.
That is how he got rich.

The origin of the word "Limey", originates from the name of a ship's Captain, an Englishman named Corb Limey, who discovered America in 1322, but forgot to enter it into the ship's log.

Before you were born, the world didn't have any colour, we only had black and white (Which explains all those old black and white photographs.)

Sweetie, Daddy brought some Keepmehere from a store, run and find him and tell him to give you some.

I know when you break something. I have mommy eyes in the back of my head. I see everything.

Eggs talk to each other after you shut the fridge door

Don’t point. It puts holes in the air. If you swallow the holes you’ll get hiccups.

Say gullible backwards and it sounds like orange

Every time Daddy farts a puppy dies

The dog was raised by wolves and when the moon is full he turns into one

Fruit feels pain

Banging on pots and pans while Grandad is trying to nap is a good way to get him to tell you a story.

Cats eat broccoli and then poo it out as sprouts

French people eat croissants and poo baguettes

All monkeys can speak Spanish; they learn it in Iceland, where they live on wild pineapples

When you fall asleep, the neighbors’ cat comes into your room and spits in your mouth, and all that crusty stuff in your eyes in the morning? That’s dried-up cat-puke

Kitty Litter tastes like Rice Krispies

Yellow snow is the best kind to play with

Granny is really an Orc, and she’s just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can get you...

Mummy made you under the bed with all the other Goblins who live there

 

[beachbum1958]

THESE ARE ACTUAL, GENUINE COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1.. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local Convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2.. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time --this should be banned."

3.. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4.. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5.. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6.. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7.. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8.. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9.. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17.. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant; this would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

BE AWARE.... THEY WALK AMONG US, THEY’RE ALLOWED TO VOTE, AND THEY REPRODUCE

 

[beachbum1958]

Genuine Acronyms my colleagues and I use when patient's have defeated us:

AFU & BR - all f***ed up & beyond repair
AGA - Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
APTFRAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
AQP - Assuming the Q Position: deteriorating or dying with tongue hanging out
ART - Assuming Room Temperature (dead)
Assmosis - promotion gained by "kissing ass"
ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness
BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight
Brothelizer test - microbiology test (on swab or sample) requested by the Genito-Urinary Clinic or STD clinic
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
BTSOOM - Beats The Sh*t Out Of Me
BUNDY - But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bury the Hatchet - accidently leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine
C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
C2 - a "can't c**t"; lazy physician who constantly passes off work to colleagues
C&T Ward - Coma ward - "cabbages and turnips"
CBT - Chronic Burger/Biscuit Toxicity (obesity)
CFU - Complete(ly) F*ck(ed) Up
Chandelier's Sign - The result of any test or probing after which the patient must be removed from the chandelier
Chocolate Hostage – constipated
Chrome Induced Ischaemia - patient that develops inexplicable chest pains when arrested and handcuffed
Clupea fallacius rufus - red herring
Cock Doc- urologist
CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
Cranio-faecal Syndrome - shithead
CRI - Cranial-Rectal Inversion (head-up-ass syndrome)
CTD - Circling the Drain
Dagenham - "Three Stops Beyond Barking" (Stations on the London Underground…): severely disturbed/mad
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs (reckless motorcyclists are known as OD's, Organ Donors and rainy days are Donation Days)
DSB - Drug-Seeking Behaviour (faking illness to fuel narcotic addiction)
Eiffel Syndrome - (From I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object stuck in the rectum
FABIAN Syndrome - Felt Awful But I'm Alright Now
FDSTW - Found Dead, Stayed That Way
FLKNFN - Funny Looking Kid, Normal For Norfolk
FLK-JSPMS - Funny Looking Kid, Just Saw Parents, Mystery Solved
GOK - God Only Knows
GUCCI - Genito-Urinary Clinic, Chlamydial Infection
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
HSLI - High Speed Lead Injection – gunshot
IWB - Intercourse With Biscuits (Fucking Crackers)
JPS - Just Plain Stupid (self induced injury involving lack of common sense)
Lantern Test - shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up (no brain)
LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)
MIDI - myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
NOCTOR- Nurse who’s done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor
OBECALP - placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realise it's "placebo" in reverse when they sneak a look at their chart…)
OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
PAAF - Pissed as a fart
PAFO - Pissed [Drunk] And Fell Over
PGT - Pissed [Drunk] and Got Thumped
PHD = Pakistani Healing Dance (a useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family)
PITA - Pain in the arse
Rectoencephalitis - head-up-own-arse syndrome
SBOD - Stupid bitch/bastard on drugs
SHPOS - Sub-Human Piece of Sh*t
SHS - Sullen, Hostile, Stupid (often an inner city drug/alcohol addict)
SOCMOB - Standing On Corner Minding Own Business (when inexplicably injured)
SODDI - Some Other Doctor Did It
TAPS - Thick As Pig Shit
UNIVAC - Unusually Nasty Infection, Vultures are Circling
WAFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
WITPOMW - Why Is This Patient On My Ward?
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time

 

[GuessImJamie]

"No," said Mickey Mouse, " you were not listening Donald. I am not mad at Minnie for being crazy. I never said she was crazy. What I said was that she was fucking Goofy!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"
Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

 

[GuessImJamie]

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"
Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

Before Trans World Airlines was merged into American it branded silly things (like Mc Donald's and Amtrak does).

So the stewardess said to the passenger "would you care for some TWA-coffee?"

"No," said the passenger, "but I would like some TWA-tea."

 

[Handley_Page]

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was holding the first one's hand.

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

If Helen Keller fell down in the middle of a forest, would she make a sound?

 

[Hypoxia]

If Helen Keller fell down in the middle of a forest, would she make a sound?

Q: Why is Helen Keller's ear burnt?
A: She answered the clothes iron.

Q: Why is Helen Keller's foot yellow?
A: Her dog is blind, too.

Then there are the HELEN KILLER comix, where she's a superheroine. Yay!

 

[TxRad]

If Helen Keller fell down in the middle of a forest, would she make a sound?

(PLOTBUNNY)

 

[Hypoxia]

(PLOTBUNNY)

Be careful what you do with her dog.

 

[Handley_Page]

It was the last night in the dormitory at the Catholic convent school, and the Mother Superior gathered all the teenage girls together to give them some last-minute pearls of wisdom before they left.
It was the last night in the dormitory at the Catholic convent school, and the Mother Superior gathered all the teenage girls together to give them some last-minute pearls of wisdom before they left.

"Now girls,' she began, 'tomorrow you go out into the wide world, you're all young ladies now, very attractive young ladies, and there are so many traps for lovely young girls like you. There are men out there who prey on young, innocent girls like you, so you have to be on your guard; don't fall for the first man you meet, they're usually the worst; they'll tempt you with nightclubs and parties, ply you with drink, and take advantage of your innocence."

One of the girls held up her hand, so the Mother Superior nodded to her.

"Yes Bernice, did you have a question?"

"Yes, Mother Superior," siad Bernice. "These men, how will they take advantage of us, what do you mean?"

The Mother Superior blushed.

"It's...I mean...look, they'll want to have, you know...sex with you, and we all know that sex is wicked, don't we, girls?" All the girls nodded, except Bernice, who held up her hand again.

"Yes, Bernice?" said the Mother Superior.

"Is that true, Mother Superior, really?"

Mother superior nodded again.

"Yest Bernice, they only want one thing, and when they've taken it from you they leave in the morning without a word, and leave some money on the pillow!"

"Really?" Said Bernice, "they actually leave money?"

"YES Bernice, they leave money! Why do you keep asking?" growled the Mother Superior.

"Because Bishop Harris only leaves apples..."

 

[LexxRuthless]

Q: Why is Helen Keller's ear burnt?
A: She answered the clothes iron.

Q: Why is Helen Keller's foot yellow?
A: Her dog is blind, too.

Then there are the HELEN KILLER comix, where she's a superheroine. Yay!

Q: How did Helen Keller burn her other ear?
A: They called back.

Q: When Helen Keller misbehaved, how did her parents punish her?
A: Rearrange the furniture, put doorknobs in the walls, leave the plunger in the toilet.

 

[Handley_Page]

Here is an explanation as to why Dogs sniff each others bums ..

The dogs they had a meeting,
They came from near and far,
Some came by aeroplane,
And some by motor car.

Now when they reached the meeting place,
Instructions they all took,
They had to takt their a**eholes off,
And hang them on a hook.

They filled in stately one by one,
Each mother son and sire,
But Scarcely where they seated,
But Some B*****d shouted "Fire!!"

Now out they raced in a pack,
They scarce had time to look,
As each dog grabbed an a**hole,
From the nearest hook.

Now eventually they got their a**holes on,
Which made them very sore,
To think they had a different hole,
From the one they had before.

Now to this day a dog you'll see,
Will leave a juicy bone,
To go and sniff another dog's hole,
Cos he's still searching for his own.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

A troopie 'over there' shows up at the medics'. There's been a negligent discharge in the tent lines; the bullet passed between his legs, doing no damage beyond taking a very small nick of skin off the very bottom of his scrotum.

"Wow!" said the medic as he applied a bandage, "were you ever lucky!"

"You don't know the half of it," his patient replied. "If I hadn't been thinking of my sister-in-law, I would've lost the lot!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Young Lad has a Homework excercise on the difference between Potential and Reality .. bit confused he approaches his Dad .. Dad say its no bother and he can demonstrate the difference to his son ..
Dad goes to see his wife and asks "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Mother replies "Yes I would .. I definetly would" ..
Dad then asks his teenage daughter "Would you sleep with Robbie Williams for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Daughter replies "Course I would .. In a Heartbeat" ..
Dad turns to his son and just says "There you go Boy ...." ..
Son Looks confused and says " I dont understand Dad" ..
Dad replies "Well potentially we are sitting on two million quid but in reality we are living with a pair of slags"

 

[Handley_Page]

"Can I have some Irish Sausages please?", asked Paddy when he walked into the shop.
The assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
"And if I asked you for some Jack Daniels, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
The Assistant replies, "Because you're in the fecking Hardware department."

 

[microboy2014]

a couple go to the zoo for the day, they come upon the male gorilla, they notice the gorilla has a hard on .
the man turns to his wife and ask if she will flash the gorilla ,she bends down and flashes her knickers , the gorilla gets really excited they have a laugh , the man then asks his wife to flash her tits , the gorilla goes berserk and gets really excited . The man then opens the gate and pushes his wife into the enclosure , closes the gate and says now tell him you've got a fucking headache

 

[Handley_Page]

Airline Pilot settles into his seat and gives the usual talk to the passengers, he mistakenly leaves the Intercom on and tells the Co-Pilot "I'm gonna have my Coffee and then get a B**w Job from that Blonde Stewardess"
Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error, Stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her ..
"Slow down love he hasn’t finished his coffee yet"