More Humour

[jehoram]

Rodney Dangerfield had many great bits, sometimes just one-liners.

Here's another Rodney:

"When I was a kid, I worked at a pet store. Customers would point to me and ask the owner 'How big does he get?'"

 

[jehoram]

Answer: "Jamaica?"

Question: "What did all the guys in the dorm ask me when I came home from my date?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Answer: "Jamaica?"

Question: "What did all the guys in the dorm ask me when I came home from my date?"

"No; Barbadian"

 

[gunhilltrain]

Here's another Rodney:

"When I was a kid, I worked at a pet store. Customers would point to me and ask the owner 'How big does he get?'"

Dangerfield get a lot of mileage out of New York City jokes (I believe he lived on the West Side for a while).

"One day I got mugged in Riverside Park. But I think the guy was an amateur; his knife still had butter on it."

"I tell 'ya, I live in a tough neighborhood. When I went to the police station, the door had a peephole."

In the same routine:

"Last week a guy stole a police car, and the cops were still in it."

 

[Handley_Page]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says,

"Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,

"Pierre, kiss me ! much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.

He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,

"PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, and shouts for all to hear.

"I am Pierre, the brave fighter pilot!"

"If I go down, I go down in flames!

 

[Inkhorn]

Joke from the late-, great-, and too little known Ron Pumphrey:

A man and his wife had 13 children, and when the last of them was born, the doctor took the man aside and said, "Look, you and your wife have had a lot of children. It's causing you both a lot of hardship. Don't you think it's time you gave it up?"

The husband nodded in agreement. "You're right, doctor, you're right! I'll tell you what. If my wife has another child, I'll hang meself! That's what I'll do, I'll hang meself!"

Times goes by and the doctor doesn't see the family in ever so long. Then one day he comes across the husband at a local bar. Noticing the man is down, the doctor comes up and asks, "How are the children? How many do you have now?"

"Fourteen," says the man.

"Fourteen?!" cries the doctor in astonishment. "But what did you promise me? Weren't you going to hang yourself?"

The husband looks the doctor in the eye and says, "Oh, I was! I was up on that barrel with the rope around me neck when I gets to thinking that, you know... maybe I'm hanging the wrong man."

 

[TarnishedPenny]

A man flying one an airline one day found himself sitting next to a beautiful woman. They started making small talk and he asked her if she was travelling for business or for pleasure.

“Actually,” she said, “I’m flying to make the key-note address at a convention of sex researchers.”

“Really? That must be interesting.”

“Oh, yes!” she replied excitedly. “It’s fascinating. And there are so many myths and misunderstandings out there.”

“Such as?” he asked.

“Well, the legend is that black men have the biggest penises, but scientific studies show that native Americans are actually biggest on average.”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“Well, it’s true. And the French have the reputation of being the best lovers, but a recent international survey of thousands of women showed that Greek men consistently scored higher in terms of being able to give a woman amazing orgasms.”

“Wow. That’s incredible.”

“It sure is!” the woman beamed. “And here’s one most people don’t know - in terms of staying power in bed, Russian men tend to last much longer than any other nationality.”

The woman stopped suddenly, blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Here I am babbling away and we haven’t even been introduced.” She stuck out her hand. “I’m Jenny McKay.”

The man smiled, held out his own hand.

“Alexandros,” he said, “Alexandros Twofeathers. But my friends mostly call me Igor.”

 

[Handley_Page]

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "****, I wasn't listening… erm. . " Home Pride Self-raising?"

You'll likely awaken in Hospital.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Two men are arguing in a bar over how many ways there are to have sex. One says 168, the other says 169. They continue contradicting each other until the man who claims there are only 168 challenges the other.

"Okay, if there are 169, start listing them so I can see if there's really one I don't know."

"Sure," replies the other, and begins, "first, there's the one where the woman lies on her back and the man lies between her legs facing her. . ."

"You win," admits the challenger.

 

[NotWise]

Hagar the Horrible from today's paper.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

 

[Zionisacat]

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?

Well I've never paid $200 for a len to til on my face.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two men stood at the pearly gates, one asks the other,
'How did you die then?'
'I froze to death,' he replied 'How about you?'
'Well I thought my wife was having an affair so i came home in the middle of the day to try and catch her out. When Igot there sure enough there she was in bed with a big smile on her face but no bloke in sight,'
'What did you do then?'
'I searched the house, I ran down to the basement searched there, Ran up to the first floor-searched there, then up to the second floor searched there and found nothing, finally I ran up to the attic and that's where i had my heart attack,'
To which the other man replied,
'You stupid s#d you should have checked the freezer!'

 

[ThisNameIsntTakenYet]

A woman comes into work with a cold. She's coughing and complains about her sore throat the whole day. At some point one of her female colleagues walks over.

"You know what I always do when I have a sore throat?"

The sick woman shakes her head, but looks intrigued.

The colleague continued, "I always give my husband a blowjob and make sure to swallow every drop. Next day my throat is as good as new."

"Well, I guess I could give it a try," she finally decides after confirming her colleague wasn't just pulling her leg. The woman goes home early that day to rest up.

The next morning she walks into the office with a big smile, looking as healthy as ever.

"Well, looks like you took my advice," her colleague said with a satisfied smile. "Glad it worked for you."

"Oh it worked wonders alright. Although your husband couldn't believe that it was your idea."

 

[Handley_Page]

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say -,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

 

[beachbum1958]

International Alert Status Report:

The UK Home Office has updated the current Threat levels and Alert Status responses with the following directive:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

True story. I was drinking with a German Army lieutenant-colonel many years ago. After far too much to drink, he blearily looked at me and sadly asked if I could tell him when Germany had last won a war.

I thought hard and ventured, “Um, Prussia vs France, 1870?”

“Yes!” he declared. “Und can you tell me vy?”

Aware I was treading on thin ice, I merely shook my head.

“Zere vere two reasons,” he said, “und I vill tell you.”

He took a large gulp of beer and continued. “Ze first reason is zat ve did not haff ze Italians as our allies.”

Another gulp of beer.

“Und de second is zat ve had no air force.”

The evening went rather downhill from there.

 

[Handley_Page]

"Bike still for sale?"
'Yes'
"What's the lowest you'll go on it?"
'2mph. Anything less and you'll fall over.'

 

[SyleusSnow]

ThisNameIsntTakenYet's joke reminded me of this one:

The crowd was gathered around the alligator pit at the Florida reptile attraction. At the edge of the water stood a real he-man: shirtless, muscled, jutting chin.

After the usual displays of alligator wrestling, he says, "And now for the final demonstration."

He unzips his fly, pulls out his dick and stands with hands on hips. He gives a whistle and an alligator leaps from the water to clamp it's toothy mouth onto his dick.

The he-man stands there, hands still on hips, alligator hanging as he soaks up the applause. Girls are in awe, guys have tears in their eyes.

After basking in the crowd's admiration, he gives the alligator a stern look and punches it hard right in the eye. It lets go with an angry hiss then swims off to sulk.

"Now," he says, "Is there anyone here with the guts to come down here and try that?"

Silence. All the men in the crowd look away sheepishly.

A tiny, 80-year-old woman raises her hand. She says "I believe I'll try it, dear. But only if you promise not to punch me so hard in the eye."

 

[Handley_Page]

Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse in the divorce court

Judge: " Mickey, you cannot divorce Minnie on the grounds that she has buck teeth"

Mickey: "No Judge, I dont want divorce on the grounds of buck teeth - I said she was fcuking Goofy!"

 

[Hypoxia]

The Past, the Present, and the Future walked into a bar.



It was tense.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

The Past, the Present, and the Future walked into a bar.



It was tense.

Interesting, a circus caught on fire, too.



It was intense.

 

[jehoram]

Guy trying to get his date into bed for the first time:

"So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Date: "Unfertilized."

 

[Handley_Page]

Why did the blonde stand staring at a can of frozen orange juice for 2 hours?

The can said 'concentrate'!!!!

======


What’s big and red and doesn't fit down rabbit holes?

A Fire Engine!!!!

 

[MahoganyAngel]

A guy visits a tattoo business and offer a tattoo artist $1,000 to ink a $100 bill on his penis.

The artist agrees and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, I have my reasons and I would rather not reveal the reason. The artist goes ahead and does the job, but all throughout his work, the artist is anxious with anticipation as to why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.

When the artist finished the work, he tells the man that he really must know the reason why he wanted a $100 bill tattoo on his penis, so the artist told the man he can keep the $1,000 he would have paid for the tattoo, if he would tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his penis.

The man agrees and offers three reasons:
First, I like to play with my money.
Second, I like to watch my money grow.
And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.