More Humour

[Handley_Page]

One day, the wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom having sex with a very attractive woman. Understandably, the wife was very upset!
“You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you, I want a divorce straight away!"
“But hang on a minute luv" the husband replied "At least let me explain"

"Fine, go ahead" she sobbed "But they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!"

And so he began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the dinner I made for you last night, the one you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured it in minutes.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested she took a shower. I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away and gave her those designer jeans you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

"I found that sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

The husband then took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, as I walked her to the front door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

 

[fma20fma]

hi

doctor to patient: you have a big belly.
Patient: does that mean i can accommodate more beer doc?

 

[Handley_Page]

Q. What's the difference between and oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste...

 

[fma20fma]

hi

judge:what is the reason for your divorce?
husband:marriage your honor.

 

[EdEc]

judge:what is the reason for your divorce?
husband:marriage your honor.

Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. Everyone who is now divorced was married at one time.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

passerby 1 : a few days ago i saw this guy drive a Bently porshe car in immaculate tuxedo. why is he in this beggar outfit now?
passerby 2: he got a divorce last week.

 

[Handley_Page]

Q. What do you call a woman who's paralysed from the waist down?
A. Married

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. Because all those men already have boyfriends.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

teacher to student: why are you in the class with only socks?where are the shoes?
Student: My parents were using my shoes...trying to beat each other in their fight.

 

[Handley_Page]

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom
and daddy came into the room with the lady next door
and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word.
Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him
exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

While golfing, two men caught up to a couple of women playing very slow.

"Don't worry, I'll ask if we can play through," offers the first man, strolling towards the women before coming to a complete stop and jogging back to his golfing partner. "I can't ask them if we can play through. I just recognized them! That's my wife playing golf with my mistress!"

His buddy says, "Hey, I get it. Let me ask them." He strolls towards the two women before coming to a complete stop and jogging back. "Hey man! Small world!"

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly
back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I’d heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain’t never seed nobody do it."

 

[Handley_Page]

A man staggered into a hospital ER with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Cucumbers are really good for memory; someone shoved one up my friend's ass 30 years ago and he still remembers...

Do Alcoholics run in my family? No, but they stumble around a lot and break shit...

Was it Thomas Edison who said "Where the fuck are all these moths coming from?"

I take a handful of nuts and bolts when I ride on a rollercoaster, and just as the ride starts I tell the guy in front "I think these just came off your seat..."

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home from work, see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home from work, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

So, a burglar broke into our house. I put the red dot on his chest, the cats did the rest...

Don't come to my door talking about God. Do I come to your door talking about wine, gin, and
vibrators?

Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?
Husband: Come on! You were never really skinny, face tacts!
Time of Death: 11:35 09/01/21
Cause of Death: Corona Virus

Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you're rich...

Never pick a fight with a woman older than 40, they're full of rage and sick of everyone's shit.

Have you ever had one of those days were you're holding a stick and suddenly everyone looks like a pinata?

Donald Trump was taken to The Sistine Chapel to see the paintings by Michaelangelo; he was totally impressed that a Ninja Turtle could paint so well...

 

[fma20fma]

hi

judge: why did you hit your husband on the head with a frying pan?
wife: the dining chair was too heavy and i thought i could not wield it fast.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

judge: why did you hit your husband on the head with a frying pan?
wife: the dining chair was too heavy and i thought i could not wield it fast.

Judge: Why did you stab your husband 43 times?
Widow: The switch to the electric carving knife jammed.

 

[Handley_Page]

Dear Mrs *****,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait any more. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad any more. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.

They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 20; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. T1ts like you wouldn't believe and an @ss that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Missus?

I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Missus, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're fcuking away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity unit. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't my missus ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity unit for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order .I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Missus, she really is. So we're doing vodka jellies in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Missus: In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fcuking TV remote is.


Love *****

 

[Andrewlongcock]

Was the movie that bad...?

My wife and I had enjoyed such a great relationship up until one night a couple weeks ago. I was watching “The Hunt for Red October” on TV while she was napping on the couch next to me. There were so many cool submarines in that movie and as I was watching it I said, “Damn, those are some amazing subs, I wonder what it is like to be on a sub?”

My wife drowsily replied, “So you want to be my sub?”

“Yeah baby, make me your sub!” I jokingly responded.

“Okay, that would be hot,” she said and went back to sleep.

That night when I came to bed she said, “Sleep on the floor.”

“Wh...what?” I stammered.

“Be a good sub and do as you’re told,” she commanded.

“Uh,..ok,” I croaked. I laid on the floor wondering what this had to do with me watching a movie about nuclear powered submarines. Was she mad at me for watching TV and not paying attention to her? It was awfully uncomfortable trying to sleep on the floor, but I finally dozed off.

Early the next morning I was sleeping soundly and felt a tugging on my balls. Had I gotten them tangled in my boxer shorts as I twisted and turned during the night? I raised my head and saw my wife between my legs pulling on something. Then a snapping sound,....and I almost passed out as my testicles felt like they were trapped in a vise.

“Owwww! “ I squalled, my voice going up a few octaves. “Shit baby! What are you doing!” I cried. I lunged upright and saw that she had wrapped some heavy rubber bands on my scrotum just above my testicles. “That hurts! I gotta get those off!” I said as I pulled at the elastic bands.

“If you take those off we will not have sex for a month,” she calmly replied. “You will take those off when I tell you,” she got up and left the room.

‘Damn she is mad at me!’ I thought. I mean I know Alec Baldwin is a pretentious blowhard, but Sean Connery was in that movie too! Well, I figured I would just let this go and maybe she would not still be mad by this evening.

I cut the rubber bands off at work, and felt immense relief when they came off.

When I got home my wife stared at me for a few long seconds and said, “Did you take them off?”

‘Holy shit!’ I thought. She is still mad! I stared blankly at her and my mouth dropped open.

“I knew you would,” she flatly stated, “and now you will be punished. Pull down your pants.”

“Uhhhh...” I dumbly replied and stood still. My wife had anticipated my reluctance and quickly reached forward, deftly unbuckled my belt, unbuttoned my pants, and in one rapid motion yanked my trousers and boxers to my ankles. “Holy fuck!” I yelled. “I am sorry I watched that movie!” She was not listening to me,....and that is when it got really bad.

I toppled over on the floor as she picked up something. I turned over to push myself up and heard a loud ‘Crack’ as the riding crop struck my buttocks. “OWWW!” I screeched as my butt felt like it was lit on fire. ‘Crack,....Crack,....Crack’ and tears came to my eyes as the attack continued on my nether region. I was crawling and stumbling across the floor. Then she laid on top of me holding me down.

At least she was not hitting me anymore, so I held still. “Now you won’t do that again will you?” she asked.

“Look, that movie is for shit! I will NEVER watch it again!” I promised.

“Okay,” she said, “and I have a new toy for you, and this time you better leave it in place.” Then she held up what looked like a black hard rubber conic shape.

Again I was dumbfounded and struggled to reply. While I hesitated she went to work twisting across my body to get herself in position. I almost fainted after I felt my cheeks being spread, and then that hard rubber device being jammed up my ass.

I lay whimpering on the floor wondering what to do. I mean that movie had James Earl Jones and Scott Glenn in it too, it was not THAT bad!

 

[Handley_Page]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the there's 'no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's 'no Tooth Fairy' speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

[BobbyBrandt]

Blonde Men Jokes

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do with it... it's for dry hair and I just wet mine.

A blonde man spots a letter on his doormat. It says on the envelope, "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are less than two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"NO!" the blonde man shouts, "This is her husband!"

 

[TarnishedPenny]

How do blondes remain virgins?

Dating blonde men.

 

[Handley_Page]

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. Because all those men already have boyfriends.

 

[Handley_Page]

These great questions and answers are from the days when the 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted! I have to admit that I'm old enough to remember seeing this show when it aired.

The first one stopped the show for 15 minutes because Peter Marshall totally lost it ...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are Do It, I Can Help, and I Can’t Get Enough?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON’T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.​

 

[fma20fma]

hi

wife....worried about her future till she was married.
husband...worried about his future after he married.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place...

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now

The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to call her up and tell her about it.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is probably not for you.

Consider this: maybe your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines

Until I got married I never realized there was a wrong way to put a milk carton in the fridge...

When I'm bored I go to Walmart and stick 'I'm Pregnant! Call me!' notes on random windshields just to watch them nope outta there...

Keep cool and remember today's goal is to make it through work without telling anyone to go fuck themselves...

Wife: How unlucky I am! First I'm diagnosed with Dyslexia, now I have tiny tits!
Husband: Tinnitus, you have Tinnitus...

Hobosexual: Someone who enters into a sexual relationship to prevent themself becoming homeless

63 Earths can fit inside uranus: one day I'll be mature enough to read this without laughing

Hubby said he liked doggy-style, so after sex I rubbed his face in the wet spot and shouted "NO!!"

All women are bi-; it's your job to figure out if it's -sexual or -polar

Santa saw your Instagram pictures; you're getting clothes and a bible for Christmas...

 

[Handley_Page]

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

Annoyed, the salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
"Sir ... divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s balls."