More Humour

[Handley_Page]

a man walks into a bar........
'can I get a bacardi and coke'....
'yep', replies the barman and gives him an apple...
'what the fcuks this????'
'try it and see', replies the barman.
bloke takes a bite, 'this bit tastes like coke' he says to the barman...
'turn it around' says barman.
'christ, it tastes just like bacardi!!!!'

it goes on for a couple of hours, with bloke trying out varying combinations of drinks. When he eventually leaves the bar, and pretty pi##ed, he has one last go.

' ere, mate, ave you got anything that tastes like fanny????'
barman dutifully throws him an apple.

Man takes a massive bits out of the apple and promptly spits it out, 'that tastes just like sh1t'

'try turning the apple around mate'......................

 

[oggbashan]

Someone's bad day

From time to time I get emails from a travel company offering European holidays.

I usually just delete them.

But this morning I was puzzled. They were offering a special discount on a holiday in May 2019. WTF!

Within the hour there was a correction. But this one was for May 2020. WTF again!

Another correction ten minutes later. May 2021.

Another correction ten minutes later. The start date and route were wrong...

 

[Handley_Page]

This happened at The University of Western Ontario. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen, which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching TV, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A Bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar. The silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walked into a "bar."

A malapropism walked into a bar looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs, and casting dispersions on on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non-sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartenders says "Get out, we don't serve your type."

A Mixed Metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the writing on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They Sit. They converse. They leave.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day a cliché walks into the bar - fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a acute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally into the bar and figuratively gets hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles Heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A Dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

a hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Thank you, Alun

Lori

 

[Weird Harold]

From time to time I get emails from a travel company offering European holidays.

I usually just delete them.

But this morning I was puzzled. They were offering a special discount on a holiday in May 2019. WTF!

Within the hour there was a correction. But this one was for May 2020. WTF again!

Another correction ten minutes later. May 2021.

Another correction ten minutes later. The start date and route were wrong...

 

[Handley_Page]

A Family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she
needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
Family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew.......

'*******s won't let me fart.'

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Three Phases of Married Sex:

Tri-weekly.

Try weekly.

Try, weakly.

 

[Handley_Page]

2 blokes go fishing in a local lake and catch this HUGE fish. They stand there amazed for a moment before deciding that this catch must be a local record and start walking to their local pub. Before they go inside they put the fishing rods away and go inside where they are approached by 2 slightly drunk irishmen.

"Thats huge" says one of the irishmen

"I know it is" both the blokes grin

"where are ya rods?" the irishmen asked to which the 2 blokes replied "we don't have any I hold my friend here by his ankles over a bridge with some bait in his hands and when the fish jumps we catch it and kill it"

The 2 irishmen look rather confused for a moment then walk out.

On the walk home the 2 irishmen get to a bridge and decide to try it for themselves so one of them hangs his mate over the bridge as explained and they wait.

About 10 minutes later one of them asks "you got anything yet my arms hurt" to which the reply is no

Another 10 minutes later he asks the same question to which he recieves the same answer

About 15 minutes later the man hung over the bridge starts screaming "pull me up pull me up"

The other man asks "What; you caught something?"

The bloke screams "NO: THERES A FCKING TRAIN COMING!!!!"

 

[fma20fma]

hi

teacher: are you chewing gum?
Student: No mam. I am john smith.

 

[Handley_Page]

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex and my a$$hole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance. You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents???"

 

[jehoram]

At the orgy, everybody was making Merry.

After Merry left, everybody started feeling Rosy.

After Rosy left, we all jumped for Joy.

 

[Handley_Page]

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was holding the first one's hand.

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

 

[jehoram]

An Irish priest has been telling his congregation that Sunday is a holy day and not to be wasted on things like games. But on one Sunday morning, he called in sick and had a pastor from a neighboring church to say Mass for him.

But the priest actually snuck off that morning to play a round of golf, figuring that all of his congregation would be in church. God looked down on him with disapproval, saying that the priest should be punished. St. Peter agreed with him.

On the very first hole, he shot a hole in one. Same for the next three holes. It was obviously the hand of God at work.

"I thought you said you were going to punish him!" St. Peter said in dismay.

"Of course I did," God replied. "Who is he going to tell?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Q. What's the difference between hungry and horny?
A. Where you stick the cucumber

 

[oggbashan]

SWiped from the GB Lounge:

https://cdn08.bdsmlr.com/uploads/photos/2020/12/82823/bdsmlr-82823-1rOFsVnsVY.jpg

 

[fma20fma]

hi

wife:let us enjoy our saturday and sunday.
Husband:Great idea. let us meet on monday.

 

[Handley_Page]

Here is my explanation as to why Dogs sniff each others bums ..

The dogs they had a meeting,
They came from near and far,
Some came by aeroplane,
And some by motor car.

Now when they reached the meeting place,
Instructions they all took,
They had to takt their a**eholes off,
And hang them on a hook.

They filled in stately one by one,
Each mother son and sire,
But Scarcely where they seated,
But Some B*****d shouted "Fire!!"

Now out they raced in a pack,
They scarce had time to look,
As each dog grabbed an a**hole,
From the nearest hook.

Now eventually they got their a**holes on,
Which made them very sore,
To think they had a different hole,
From the one they had before.

Now to this day a dog you'll see,
Will leave a juicy bone,
To go and sniff another dog's hole,
Cos he's still searching for his own.

==========

 

[StrangeView]

When she was just a little girl,
no bigger than a minute,
it took her all her strength and might,
to get one finger in it.
But now that she is 21,
with all her grace and charm,
her boyfriend gets 5 fingers in,
and half his f*****g arm....

 

[jehoram]

There was this story of how the Washington Biological Survey tagged a bunch of crows, in hopes of finding out how wide a bird's range might be. The tag had "Wash. Biol. Surv." on it, along with the agency's address.

They got a postcard back a few weeks later. It read: "We cot one of yer birds. We washed it, biled it, and surved it. It tasted harble."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

 

[Handley_Page]

The teacher asks, "Michael, If you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said.
The teacher replied,"That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the toilet, I'll be right back."
The teacher responded,"That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'toilet' at the table."
"And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners."
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Young Irish lad goes to confession.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is the nature of this sin, my son?”

“Father, I had sex with a young woman.”

“Oh dear,” the priest said. “That’s terrible. Was it with Margaret O’Toole?”

The young man paused before replying. “Father, what sort of gentleman would answer that?”

“Patrick, I insist. Was it Sally Finnegan?”

“No, Father. Please, don’t push this. I’m not going to tell you.”

“Patrick O’Rourke! This is not only about your sin and your soul; it’s also about hers. Now, be honest. Was it Mary McMichael?”

“No. I won’t tell you, Father.”

“I am very disappointed in you, Patrick. You are to do 100 Hail Mary’s and you are barred from Mass for four weeks.”

“Yes, Father.”

The man then leaves the church and is greeted by a friend of his.

“Well, Paddy,” his friend asks. “What did you get?”

He grinned. “Three good leads and a month’s vacation!

 

[Handley_Page]

Janey was walking down High Street. As she walked past the Butchers, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."

Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.

"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."

So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"

 

[Candy_Kane54]

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted! I have to admit that I'm old enough to remember seeing this show when it aired.

The first one stopped the show for 15 minutes because Peter Marshall totally lost it ...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he
is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are Do It, I Can Help, and I Can’t Get Enough?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON’T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING.

 

[NotWise]

These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted! I have to admit that I'm old enough to remember seeing this show when it aired.

Those were hilarious!