More Humour

[Handley_Page]

I went into a bar one night after a long hard day, the barman says "what would you like ?",
I replied "Surprise me" so he showed me a naked photo of my wife!

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

All hubby and his friends' favorite Essex Girls jokes: (In England, 'Essex Girls' are a byword for slutty stupidity)

Q. What's the difference between an Essex man & an Essex girl ?
A. The Essex girl has a higher sperm count

Q. What does an Essex girl say after having sex ?
A. What team do you guys play for

Q. What do Essex girls use for protection during sex?
A. Bus Shelters.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board?
A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Titanic?
A. You know how many men went down on the titanic.

Q. How do you know when an Essex girl's has an orgasm?
A. She drops her French Fries.

Q. How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie?
A. Five. One to stir the mixture and four to peel the M&M's.

Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with an IQ of 150?
A. A Village

Q. What does and Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?

Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

Q. Why does an Essex girl drool?
A. Because she is full.

Q. How do you tell when an Essex girl is having her period?
A. She's only wearing one sock.

Q. What's the difference between a computer and an Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.

Q. Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger?
A. You can park in the handicapped spots.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray?
A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear hoop earrings?
A. So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.

Q. If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an aeroplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?
A. The Surrey girl; the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.

Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl?
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Q. What does it mean if you see an Essex girl with square boobs?
A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

Q. What did the Essex girl say after the guy blew her in the ear?
A. Thanks for the refill.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Panama Canal?
A. One's a busy ditch.....

Q. Why do Essex girls write TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.

Q. Why do Essex girls like tilt steering wheels?
A. More head room.

Q. Why don't Essex girls like pickles?
A. They can't get their head in the jar.

Q. What do you call six Essex girls in a row?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. What do you call a Surrey girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning?
A. Goes home.

Q. What's the mating call of an Essex girl?
A. Gosh, I'm so drunk...

Q. What's the mating call of a Surrey girl?
A. Are all the Essex girls gone?

Q. What do Essex girls and computers have in common?
A. You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.

Q. How is an Essex girl like a beer bottle?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
A. Gifted

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a whole brain?
A. A Golden Retriever

Q. What does an Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A. Her ankles.

Q. What do you say to an Essex girl that won't give in?
A. "Have another beer."

Q. What's the first three things an Essex girl does in the morning?
1. Says "Thanks guys... "
2. Introduces herself.
3. Goes home.

Q. How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
1. "What's a lightbulb?"
2. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
3. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!"

Q. What's an Essex girl's favourite wine?
A. "Daaaady, I want to go to Ibiza!"

Q. Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall?
A. To see what was on the other side.

Q. What do you see when you peer into an Essex girl's eyes?
A. The back of her head.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
A. You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.

Q. Why did the deaf Essex girl sit on a newspaper?
A. So she could lip read..

Q. How do you drown an Essex girl?
A. Don't tell her to swallow.

Q. What do you do if an Essex girl throws a grenade at you?
A. Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.

Q. But why do Surrey girls take the pill ?
A. Wishful Thinking.

Q. Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. Why do Essex girl girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A. Who cares?

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
A. You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. How did the Essex girl try to kill the bird?
A. She threw it off a cliff.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a limousine?
A. Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q. Why aren't there many Essex girl gymnasts?
A. When they do the splits they stick to the floor.

Q. What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle?
A. A dope ring.

Q. How do you describe an Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots?
A. Flattered.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q. What do Essex girls do for foreplay?
A. Remove their underwear.

Q. Why do Essex girls put their hair in ponytails?
A. To cover up the valve stem.

 

[Handley_Page]

Postman Pat's last day

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same village.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family who all congratulated him on his retirement, thanked him for his years of service, and sent him on his way with a gift token for £100.

The second house gave him a case of fine 20 year-old Scotch whisky.

The people in the third house gave him a wonderful fishing rod complete with reels and all tackle.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, brought him in, closed the door and gently led him upstairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making that he had ever experienced.

When he couldn't take any more, she went downstairs and prepared him a giant breakfast of sausages, eggs and bacon and a cup of freshly-brewed tea.
She brought the whole lot up to the bedroom and served him breakfast in bed.

After he had eaten, she poured him a cup of fresh coffee. While she was pouring he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

"All this was too wonderful for words", he said " but what's the Fiver for?"

"Well", she said, "last night I told my husband that today was your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'F **k him. Give him a fiver.' The breakfast was my idea.”

 

[ruddygore]

It was a traditional May December wedding. A young gold digger and an elderly gentleman. After the ceremony they checked in to the hotel. The next morning the girl is down at the hotel coffee shop having breakfast, and she looks absolutely worn out.

The waitress says, "What's the matter hun? A young girl like you should be able to handle that old man."

She replied, "That man lied to me. When he told me he had been saving for sixty years I thought he was talking about money."

 

[Rustyoznail]

Postman Pat's last day

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same village.

.
.
.

"Well", she said, "last night I told my husband that today was your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'F **k him. Give him a fiver.' The breakfast was my idea.”

Based on Lori's post, she must have been an Essex girl.

 

[Handley_Page]

One day a rabbit walks into the butchers shop,

"what can I do for you?" the butcher asks

"can I have a pound of carrots please?" replies the rabbit

"This is a butchers shop" says the butcher "we don't sell carrots"

and with that the rabbit leaves, only to return the next day and the next and the next, each time asking the same question.

By this point the butchers getting annoyed and he tells the rabbit,

"if you come in here again and ask for a pound of carrots I'll nail your ears to the floor"

The next day the rabbit returns, he walks up to the counter and asks,

"have you got any nails?"

"no" the butcher replies confused

"can I have a pound a carrots then!?"

 

[Handley_Page]

An Engineering Approach to Santa

An Engineering Approach to Santa

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. However there are about 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are
insects and germs, this does not entirely rule out flying reindeer which
only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. Since
Santa is not required to service Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children,
the workload is reduced to about 15% of the total. This implies about 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, this requires visits to 91.8 million
homes.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill
the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh
and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops
are evenly distributed around the earth (which of course we know to be
false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept) we are now
talking about 0.78 miles per household and a total trip length of 75.5 million
miles, not counting stops for personal needs. The calculation also neglects meal breaks.

4. The implication is that Santa's sleigh is moving at around 650 miles
per second which is 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle is the Ulysses space probe, moving at about
27 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run at about 15mph.

5. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child is provided with a gift with a mass of 1kg, the sleigh is
carrying 321,300 tonne -- not counting Santa, who is invariably described
as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than about
150kg. Even granting that "flying reindeer" could perhaps pull ten times
the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight or even nine. A total of
214,200 reindeer is required. This increases the payload -- neglecting the
mass of the sleigh -- to 353,430 tonne. For comparison, this is
approximately four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. A mass of 353,000 tonne travelling at 650 miles per second will
encounter some air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will each absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. In fact the
entire reindeer team will be vaporized within about five-thousandths of a
second. In the meantime Santa will be subjected to about 17,500g. In other
words, if Santa weighed 100kg he would be pinned to the rear of his sleigh
by approximately 2,000,000kgf.

In short, if Santa ever existed he is now deceased.1. No known species of reindeer can fly. However there are about 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are
insects and germs, this does not entirely rule out flying reindeer which
only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. Since
Santa is not required to service Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children,
the workload is reduced to about 15% of the total. This implies about 378
million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, this requires visits to 91.8 million
homes.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill
the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh
and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops
are evenly distributed around the earth (which of course we know to be
false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept) we are now
talking about 0.78 miles per household and a total trip length of 75.5 million
miles, not counting stops for personal needs. The calculation also neglects meal breaks.

4. The implication is that Santa's sleigh is moving at around 650 miles
per second which is 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle is the Ulysses space probe, moving at about
27 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run at about 15mph.

5. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child is provided with a gift with a mass of 1kg, the sleigh is
carrying 321,300 tonne -- not counting Santa, who is invariably described
as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than about
150kg. Even granting that "flying reindeer" could perhaps pull ten times
the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight or even nine. A total of
214,200 reindeer is required. This increases the payload -- neglecting the
mass of the sleigh -- to 353,430 tonne. For comparison, this is
approximately four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. A mass of 353,000 tonne travelling at 650 miles per second will
encounter some air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will each absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. In fact the
entire reindeer team will be vaporized within about five-thousandths of a
second. In the meantime Santa will be subjected to about 17,500g. In other
words, if Santa weighed 100kg he would be pinned to the rear of his sleigh
by approximately 2,000,000kgf.

 

[Cindy027]

Well I find this all very narrow minded using science to justify a non believers stance. SANTA is real and as one talented US SecDef said a number of years back and I quote;

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns—the ones we don't know we don't know"

And this shows that the understanding of what occurs beyond the speed of light is a giant big unknown, and this is where I believe Santa operates. The question of weight has been raised many times by the tribe of Santa denigrators and like all things in science going back eons we first postulate what we believe to be a certainty before we can prove it and with our inferior knowledge to the world of the fantastic and the other dimensions I suggest you think twice before posting such hogwash.

SANTA rules!!

 

[Handley_Page]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He
gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and
asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids
came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the
morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the
box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.

===========

 

[Hypoxia]

The solution to the Satan Claus dilemma is obvious: multiple clones of chimney-intruding 'givers' and their reindeer herds are stationed in secret high-latitude bases filled with enslaved dwarves churning out 'gifts' in conditions that make Jeff Bezos wet with envy.

Yes, one of the multitudes of Satan Clauses has your name on a list. You are doomed.

 

[Handley_Page]

The solution to the Satan Claus dilemma is obvious: multiple clones of chimney-intruding 'givers' and their reindeer herds are stationed in secret high-latitude bases filled with enslaved dwarves churning out 'gifts' in conditions that make Jeff Bezos wet with envy.

Yes, one of the multitudes of Satan Clauses has your name on a list. You are doomed.

What a ghastly thought !

=================

The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."....!!

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

What a ghastly thought !

=================

The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."....!!

I once accused himself of being deliberately bloody obtuse, probably because all the men in the world only have one brain; I waited for him to rear up and broadside right back at me, because I was in just the mood for a good old-fashioned slanging match but he just looked mildly interested, and he kept doing it until finally I'd had enough and demanded why he had't taken a shot, and I had to go hide in the bathroom and laugh when he just said "I couldn't, it wasn't my turn to use the brain..."

Score One for the art of repartee...

 

[jehoram]

Speaking of brains, I think it was Robin Williams who said, "When God created the first man, He gave him a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to operate one of them at a time."

 

[jehoram]

And speaking of God creating things, He was busy creating all the species of the world. After He finished each species, He would say "Go forth and multiply!"

But when He finished a pair of snakes, He told them "Go forth and multiply!"

And they said, "We can't. We're adders!"

Ba-Dump! Rimshot!

But God thought a minute, and then He chopped down a few trees, and with the trunks He fashioned a great table, complete with legs. Then He set the adders on the table and told them to "Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't," said the adders. "We already told you that!"

"Nonsense!" God replied. "Anybody can multiply if they can add on a log table!"

Okay, I'll go now...

 

[Handley_Page]

Q. What's the difference between hungry and horny?
A. Where you stick the cucumber

Q. What's the difference between and oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste...

 

[Candy_Kane54]

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."
The amazed father asks: "It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
Annoyed, the salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir ... divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s balls."

 

[Handley_Page]

ON BOARD DRINKS
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the old girl finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I'd like a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender and as she finishes that drink, the man to her left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says 'Thank you. Bartender, I'd like another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water however, is a whole other issue. . . . . .'

 

[jehoram]

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"

It's like that joke about the Tiger Woods doll. The basic doll comes with a little bag of clubs. The more expensive one comes with the doll, a little bag of clubs, a little golf cart, and six Barbies.

 

[Handley_Page]

"Can I have some Irish Sausages please?", asked Paddy when he walked into the shop.
The assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"
"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
"And if I asked you for some Jack Daniels, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't,"
With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"
The Assistant replies, "Because you're in the fecking Hardware store."

 

[Throbbinsum]

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was holding the first one's hand.

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.

Sounds more like a colony of Drop Bears, an easy mistake to make ... https://www.abc.net.au/news/2020-01-13/uk-journalist-pranked-into-holding-a-drop-bear-during-bushfires/11863942

 

[Handley_Page]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and
is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in
the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the
answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.
He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my
brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Candy_Kane54]

An Irish woman of advancing years visited her physician to solicit his help in reviving her husband’s flailing libido.

“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.

“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take anaspirin!”

“Not to fret,” replied the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

“What’s an Irish Viagra, Doctor?”

“That’s where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He won’t even taste it,” replied the doctor. “Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

Not even a week had gone by before she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress of the experiment.

The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid, just too terrible, doc!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised. I slipped the Viagra into his morning coffee and it took effect almost immediately. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging proudly! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop! T’was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean to say the sex your husband gave you wasn’t any good?”

“Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T’was the best sex I’ve had in twenty-five years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here before you, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

 

[Handley_Page]

The other day a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently 'HD' was the wrong answer.


Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men.

 

[Candy_Kane54]

Harlow was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful
teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish
waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.
Carl replied, That’s silver and it costs $100!
My goodness, that sure is a lotta money! Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to
describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back
room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?
Mary replied, No, but I will for the teapot.
This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

A Catholic girl goes to confession, she says 'forgive me father, for I have sinned; I believe I'm pregnant.'

The priest responds: 'My dear child, how did this happen?'

The girl replies 'I think it must be the second coming,'

The priest is taken aback and asks her why she would think that it's the second coming.

She replies 'because I swallowed the first one...'