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The newest Trump Executive Order on Immigration requires deportation of seniors instead of muslims as a way of lowering Social Security and Medicare costs. The new EO states that old people are easier to catch and don't remember how to get back home.

rj
 
Handley_Page said:
Male Perspectives on Marriage

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Anonymous
Click to expand...

I like Lewis Grizzard's take on the subject;

"I don't think I'll get married again; I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house..."
 
Sorry if you've heard this before. It's dedicated to the LW folks:-


A man and his wife had been married for 20 years and all those years the husband refused to have sex unless the lights were off . One night the wife got fed up of this and quickly turned the light on she saw the husband using a vibrator on her ' have you been using a vibrator on me this all these years! I suggest you explain why you tw@t!!'

The husband said calmly, ' I will, but first, I think you should explain the kids!'
 
A cuckold returns home after a trip, finds another man's boots near the door and his wife in bed. He starts searching around, enters the kitchen and finds there a naked Arnold Schwarzennegger sipping coffee. The wife asks from the bedroom:
- Well??? Found someone?
The husband closes the door:
- Nope!
 
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: “Hire a strapping young black man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.” They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice.

They hire a handsome young hung black man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

“Okay,” says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed-Have the young black man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young black man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “You see you schmuck, THAT’S the way to wave a towel!
 
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This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new smart car Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.I looked away For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The toast Out of my other hand.
In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked my mobile away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed,and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the bloody phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!
 
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a
glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for
me, so I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, so I'm also celebrating!'
says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses
the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying for years to have a young and
today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and
for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying
fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become
fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
 
Fred had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman called Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a Full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Fred congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, 'You know, Fred, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation.'
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again.
They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.
This went on all week, with Fred narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Dave said, 'Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favour. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?'

Pat burst into tears. 'I can't!'

'What? Why not?' asked Dave.

'Because,' she sobbed, 'I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!'

'What?!' Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

'I'm so sorry,' says Pat. 'You have a right to be angry with me.'

'You b*****d!' Dave screamed, his face bright red.
'You cheating b*****! All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!'
 
A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been fired after one minor indiscretion. He had a sexual relationship with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
 
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord, grant me one wish. "
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the LORD said.
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said "Please Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I wish"

The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me"

The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".

The Lord said "Do want two or four lanes on that bridge?"
 
:):)

Weird Harold said:
Q: What's a Quark?

A: A duck with a speech impediment.
Click to expand...

===========
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked , and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday, at 4 pm.gmt , all British women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti -terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate that they think it is O.K. to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all British women.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.
The British government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.God Bless Britain!
It is your patriotic duty to pass this on!
 
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.
 
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
--

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock clerk replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
 
Handley_Page said:
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
--

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock clerk replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Click to expand...

Oh, HP, that was awful.
 
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed."

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

And what is it?' asks the doctor. . . . . . . ..

'We're having a new kitchen.'
 
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this fcuking bitch giving you a hard time?"
 
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?

One hundred people who don't do dick.


What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a period.


How can you always tell a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard.
 
You see all these mafia movies; Italians are always portrayed as angry, violent people. That's not right. As far as we Italians are concerned -- hey, listen, we don't hurt people, but people get hurt, you know? Accidents happen! You walk outside, trip and fall on an ice pick, six or seven times, you know? Right away, they blame Vinny. That's not right.
 
Werner Heisenberg, Kurt G"del, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure if it's funny or not?" G"del replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.
 
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