More Humour
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Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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There was this Scottish painter who believed in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
The local Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine!
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly, there was a loud clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was judgement from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint! Repaint! Go ye, and thin no more!"
The local Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine!
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly, there was a loud clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was judgement from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint! Repaint! Go ye, and thin no more!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins
Culled from real church bulletins, these amusing gaffs almost (that's almost) inspire us to attend church some time. (Almost.)
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning is "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight is "Searching for Jesus."
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The cost for attending this week's "Fasting and Prayer" conference includes meals.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 p.m. Please use the back door.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
This evening there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night pot luck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge: Up Yours."
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.
We need volunteers for summer camp. There will be sinning and dancing.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Culled from real church bulletins, these amusing gaffs almost (that's almost) inspire us to attend church some time. (Almost.)
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing service will be discontinued until further notice.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning is "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight is "Searching for Jesus."
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The cost for attending this week's "Fasting and Prayer" conference includes meals.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10:00. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 p.m. Please use the back door.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
This evening there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night pot luck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge: Up Yours."
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service.
We need volunteers for summer camp. There will be sinning and dancing.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
The Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
"Times Roman 12 pt, Madam. Are you ready to order yet ?"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A bloke goes into a shooting shop and asks for a rifle and scope to buy for a Xmas gift. The shop owner brings down a rifle and scope saying: "This is the best combo we do, you can even see my house from here."
To which the man replies: "Oh yes your wife appears to be naked, with another man!"
The shop owner hands over 2 bullets and says:" Shoot my wife in the head, and that man in his d**k."
And the Man replies: "I think i can do that with one bullet!"
To which the man replies: "Oh yes your wife appears to be naked, with another man!"
The shop owner hands over 2 bullets and says:" Shoot my wife in the head, and that man in his d**k."
And the Man replies: "I think i can do that with one bullet!"
ChloeTzang
Literotica Guru
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ChloeTzang
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2015
- Posts
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ChloeTzang
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2015
- Posts
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And funnier. Best PR disaster since Pepsi and Kendall Jenner.
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/04/10/23/3F24DD2F00000578-4399512-image-a-1_1491864077685.jpg
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/04/10/23/3F24DD2F00000578-4399512-image-a-1_1491864077685.jpg
rutger5
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2017
- Posts
- 467
A female kleptomaniac is brought before a judge for larceny, for stealing a can of peaches.
The judge asks, "How many peaches were in the can?"
The woman replies, "Six, your Honor."
"All right then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
Just after that her husband shouts out, "Your Honor she also stole a can of peas."
The judge asks, "How many peaches were in the can?"
The woman replies, "Six, your Honor."
"All right then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
Just after that her husband shouts out, "Your Honor she also stole a can of peas."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough to fuck, I'll go home.
PS. Sorry, Chloe, I don't understand the Pepsi one.
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough to fuck, I'll go home.
PS. Sorry, Chloe, I don't understand the Pepsi one.
After Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"
Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, " Irving , what are you really up to?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving 's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home, Irving . My wife died two years ago!"
Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, " Irving , what are you really up to?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving 's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home, Irving . My wife died two years ago!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's......The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's......The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
beachbum1958
Indolent Adventurer
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2012
- Posts
- 1,014
More medical acronyms, so if you happen to browse your chart and see these anytime, it's your consultant telling the other consultants what's wrong, what you did, or what you're REALLY like...
I've used most of them at one time or another.
AFU & BR - all f***ed up & beyond repair
AGA - Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
APTF/RAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
AQP - Assuming the Q Position: deteriorating or dying with tongue hanging out
ART - Assuming/Acquiring Room Temperature (dead)
Assmosis - promotion gained by "kissing ass"
ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness
BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight
Brothelizer test - microbiology test (on swab or sample) requested by the Genito-Urinary or STD clinic
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
BTSOOM - Beats The Shit Out Of Me
BUNDY - But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bury the Hatchet - accidentally leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine
C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
C2 - a "can't c**t"; lazy physician who constantly passes off work to colleagues
CBT - Chronic Burger/Biscuit Toxicity (obesity)
CFU - Complete(ly) F*ck(ed) Up
Chandelier's Sign - The result of any test or probing after which the patient must be removed from the chandelier
Chocolate Hostage – constipated
Chrome Induced Ischaemia - patient that develops inexplicable chest pains when arrested and handcuffed
Clupea fallacius rufus - red herring
Cock Doc- urologist
CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
Cranio-faecal Syndrome - shithead
CRI - Cranial-Rectal Inversion (head-up-ass syndrome)
CTD - Circling the Drain
Dagenham - "Three Stops Beyond Barking": severely disturbed/mad as a mongoose
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs (reckless motorcyclists are known as POD's (Potential Organ Donors) and rainy days are HUDD (Heads Up, it's Donation Day)
DSB - Drug-Seeking Behaviour (faking illness to fuel narcotic addiction)
Eiffel Syndrome - (I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object lodged in the rectum
FABIAN Syndrome - Felt Awful But I'm Alright Now
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
FLKNFN - Funny Looking Kid, Normal For Norfolk
FLK-JSPMS - Funny Looking Kid, Just Saw Parents, Mystery Solved
GOK - God Only Knows
GUCCI - Genito-Urinary Clinic, Chlamydial Infection
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
HSLI - High Speed Lead Injection – gunshot
IWB - Intercourse With Biscuits (Fucking Crackers)
JPS - Just Plain Stupid (self induced injury involving lack of common sense)
Lantern Test - As in 'Failed lantern test' - shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up (no brain)
LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)
MIDI - myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
NOCTOR- Nurse who’s done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor
OBECALP - placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realise it's "placebo" in reverse when they sneak a look at their chart…)
OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
PAAF - Pissed as a fart
PAFO - Pissed [Drunk] And Fell Over
PGT - Pissed [Drunk] and Got Thumped
PHD = Pakistani Healing Dance (a useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family)
PITA - Pain in the arse
Rectoencephalitis - head-up-own-arse syndrome
SBOD - Stupid bitch/bastard on drugs
SHPOS - Sub-Human Piece of Sh*t
SHS - Sullen, Hostile, Stupid (often an inner city drug/alcohol addict)
SOCMOB - Standing On Corner Minding Own Business (when inexplicably injured)
SODDI - Some Other Doctor Did It
TAPS - Thick As Pig Shit
UNIVAC - Unusually Nasty Infection, Vultures are Circling
WAFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
WITIH - Why Is This Idiot Here?
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
I've used most of them at one time or another.
AFU & BR - all f***ed up & beyond repair
AGA - Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)
ALS - Absolute Loss of Sanity (nutcase)
APTF/RAN - Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)
AQP - Assuming the Q Position: deteriorating or dying with tongue hanging out
ART - Assuming/Acquiring Room Temperature (dead)
Assmosis - promotion gained by "kissing ass"
ATS - Acute Thespian Syndrome: faking illness
BFH - Brat From Hell (usually accompanied by PFH - Parent(s) from Hell)
Blamestorming - apportioning of blame for mistakes, usually to any locum or lowliest medic in sight
Brothelizer test - microbiology test (on swab or sample) requested by the Genito-Urinary or STD clinic
Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts
BTSOOM - Beats The Shit Out Of Me
BUNDY - But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet
Bury the Hatchet - accidentally leave a surgical instrument inside a patient.
BMW - Bitch Moan & Whine
C/C- "Cancel Christmas" (dead)
C2 - a "can't c**t"; lazy physician who constantly passes off work to colleagues
CBT - Chronic Burger/Biscuit Toxicity (obesity)
CFU - Complete(ly) F*ck(ed) Up
Chandelier's Sign - The result of any test or probing after which the patient must be removed from the chandelier
Chocolate Hostage – constipated
Chrome Induced Ischaemia - patient that develops inexplicable chest pains when arrested and handcuffed
Clupea fallacius rufus - red herring
Cock Doc- urologist
CRAFT - Can’t Remember A F*cking Thing
Cranio-faecal Syndrome - shithead
CRI - Cranial-Rectal Inversion (head-up-ass syndrome)
CTD - Circling the Drain
Dagenham - "Three Stops Beyond Barking": severely disturbed/mad as a mongoose
DMFNFL - Dumb mother f*cker, not fit to live
Donorcycle - motorbike: the biggest cause of donated organs (reckless motorcyclists are known as POD's (Potential Organ Donors) and rainy days are HUDD (Heads Up, it's Donation Day)
DSB - Drug-Seeking Behaviour (faking illness to fuel narcotic addiction)
Eiffel Syndrome - (I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object lodged in the rectum
FABIAN Syndrome - Felt Awful But I'm Alright Now
FDSTW - Found Dead Stayed That Way
FLKNFN - Funny Looking Kid, Normal For Norfolk
FLK-JSPMS - Funny Looking Kid, Just Saw Parents, Mystery Solved
GOK - God Only Knows
GUCCI - Genito-Urinary Clinic, Chlamydial Infection
HIBGIA - Had it before, got it again
HSLI - High Speed Lead Injection – gunshot
IWB - Intercourse With Biscuits (Fucking Crackers)
JPS - Just Plain Stupid (self induced injury involving lack of common sense)
Lantern Test - As in 'Failed lantern test' - shine a torch in the subject's mouth and the eyes light up (no brain)
LFTWM - Looking for 3 Wise Men (applied to young pregnant females who deny having had intercourse)
MIDI - myocardial infarction during intercourse (heart attack during sex)
NARS - Not a rocket scientist (low IQ)
NOCTOR- Nurse who’s done a 6 week training course and acts like s/he's a Doctor
OBECALP - placebo (the rationale being that patients don't realise it's "placebo" in reverse when they sneak a look at their chart…)
OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder
PAAF - Pissed as a fart
PAFO - Pissed [Drunk] And Fell Over
PGT - Pissed [Drunk] and Got Thumped
PHD = Pakistani Healing Dance (a useless procedure performed for benefit of patient and family)
PITA - Pain in the arse
Rectoencephalitis - head-up-own-arse syndrome
SBOD - Stupid bitch/bastard on drugs
SHPOS - Sub-Human Piece of Sh*t
SHS - Sullen, Hostile, Stupid (often an inner city drug/alcohol addict)
SOCMOB - Standing On Corner Minding Own Business (when inexplicably injured)
SODDI - Some Other Doctor Did It
TAPS - Thick As Pig Shit
UNIVAC - Unusually Nasty Infection, Vultures are Circling
WAFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
WITIH - Why Is This Idiot Here?
WOMBAT - Waste Of Money, Brains And Time
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Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
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- 78,287
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"
Sammael Bard
Suit Up
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Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that"
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .)
"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e; sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that"
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .)
"Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e; sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Three guys died and when St. Peter met them at the pearly gates, he said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big. What kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?”
He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”,
St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.”
St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”
The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter.
He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.”
St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”
The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”
St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden side-walk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”
The first guy walked up and St. Peter asked him, “How long were you married?”
He answered, “24 years.” “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”,
St. Peter asked. The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times … but you said I was forgiven.”
St. Peter said, “Yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”
The second guy walked up and got the same question from St. Peter.
He answered, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out.”
St. Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Lincoln.”
The third guy walked up and said, “St. Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”
St. Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar, crying on the golden side-walk. When they asked him what was wrong, he said, “I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!”
CarlusMagnus
Literotica Guru
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- Feb 6, 2011
- Posts
- 1,184
In the Foreign Legion
It was back in the glory days of the French Foreign Legion. He was wanted in his home country because he'd killed the man who'd raped his girlfriend, so he'd signed on to the FFL for a ten-year hitch. They sent him to training for a couple of months, gave him two weeks of leave (which he spent dissipating himself in the fleshpots of Marseilles), and then shipped him out to a post in Algeria—where there was nothing but the post, his comrades-in-arms, a lot of heat, and a great deal of sand.
Of course, there were no women on the post. He'd been there for a week when—recovered now from the debauchery of his leave—he began to get horny. In another week, he was hornier. In three, he could think of little else. By the end of the fourth week, he was desperate, and he went to his sergeant, who was an older man soon to retire. "What do the guys do when they need a woman?" he asked, pleadingly.
"There aren't any," said the old sergeant. "It doesn't bother me any more, but I remember how much I wanted it when I was a young man myself. You'll be happy to know that every eight weeks, there's a caravan, and it stops overnight."
"Do they bring women?" the sufferer asked.
"No," said the sergeant. "No women. But they have a lot of camels, and they won't charge you much to get it on with one. There's a caravan due in three weeks, and the men are really looking forward to it."
Of course, he was disgusted. "Never!" he thought to himself. "There are somethings a man just won't do!"
But in another week, his situation was worse, and his resolve was weakening.
A week after that, the situation was particularly grim, and his resolve was completely gone.
By the day that the caravan was due, he was obsessed with thoughts of camels—female camels. The caravan arrived during the mid-afternoon, but the men wouldn't be released from duty until after the evening formation. Somehow he suffered through, and, after what seemed an interminable wait, he and his companions formed up for the flag-lowering ceremony at day's end. He could see desire and impatience in the eyes of all the sufferers who stood in the ranks with him; their pants bulged alarmingly.
Slowly, to the sound of the bugle, the flag descended; the men in the formation panted in their eagerness. At last—at long last—the commanding officer gave the order for dismissal.
Instantly, the dismissed legionnaires rushed pall-mall for the compound where the camels were tethered. Horny though he was, he knew there were plenty of camels, and he felt no need to run—as the rest of the men were doing. As he walked in the dust left behind by his comrades, he passed the old sergeant, who, on account of his age, had lost interest. "What's the rush?" he asked. "It looks like there's plenty for all!"
Replied the sergeant, "Nobody wants to get stuck with an ugly one."
It was back in the glory days of the French Foreign Legion. He was wanted in his home country because he'd killed the man who'd raped his girlfriend, so he'd signed on to the FFL for a ten-year hitch. They sent him to training for a couple of months, gave him two weeks of leave (which he spent dissipating himself in the fleshpots of Marseilles), and then shipped him out to a post in Algeria—where there was nothing but the post, his comrades-in-arms, a lot of heat, and a great deal of sand.
Of course, there were no women on the post. He'd been there for a week when—recovered now from the debauchery of his leave—he began to get horny. In another week, he was hornier. In three, he could think of little else. By the end of the fourth week, he was desperate, and he went to his sergeant, who was an older man soon to retire. "What do the guys do when they need a woman?" he asked, pleadingly.
"There aren't any," said the old sergeant. "It doesn't bother me any more, but I remember how much I wanted it when I was a young man myself. You'll be happy to know that every eight weeks, there's a caravan, and it stops overnight."
"Do they bring women?" the sufferer asked.
"No," said the sergeant. "No women. But they have a lot of camels, and they won't charge you much to get it on with one. There's a caravan due in three weeks, and the men are really looking forward to it."
Of course, he was disgusted. "Never!" he thought to himself. "There are somethings a man just won't do!"
But in another week, his situation was worse, and his resolve was weakening.
A week after that, the situation was particularly grim, and his resolve was completely gone.
By the day that the caravan was due, he was obsessed with thoughts of camels—female camels. The caravan arrived during the mid-afternoon, but the men wouldn't be released from duty until after the evening formation. Somehow he suffered through, and, after what seemed an interminable wait, he and his companions formed up for the flag-lowering ceremony at day's end. He could see desire and impatience in the eyes of all the sufferers who stood in the ranks with him; their pants bulged alarmingly.
Slowly, to the sound of the bugle, the flag descended; the men in the formation panted in their eagerness. At last—at long last—the commanding officer gave the order for dismissal.
Instantly, the dismissed legionnaires rushed pall-mall for the compound where the camels were tethered. Horny though he was, he knew there were plenty of camels, and he felt no need to run—as the rest of the men were doing. As he walked in the dust left behind by his comrades, he passed the old sergeant, who, on account of his age, had lost interest. "What's the rush?" he asked. "It looks like there's plenty for all!"
Replied the sergeant, "Nobody wants to get stuck with an ugly one."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes.
Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students,
"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."
A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students,
"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."
A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
All the members of the company's Board of Directors
were called into the Chairman's office, one after another,
until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other
four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table,
which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with
a stern voice, he asked,
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"
"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt,
anytime, anywhere,"I nsisted Ted.
"Good. Then you fire her."
were called into the Chairman's office, one after another,
until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other
four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table,
which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with
a stern voice, he asked,
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?"
"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Foyt,
anytime, anywhere,"I nsisted Ted.
"Good. Then you fire her."
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half.
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.
The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager.
The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
