My second story: 'The Christmas in July Luau' - feedback requested!

[lovecraft68]

I read Part 1, up to the middle of Page 3. I intend to read the rest later this week, but I thought I'd drop some preliminary comments.

There are two ways you can go about writing a Literotica story. One is to pick a category and write for that category's expectations; the other is to write the story first according to what you as an author find compelling, and then try to figure out where it belongs afterwards.

8letters has given some great advice for category-first authors, but I'm pretty sure you're a story-first kind of writer. Your scores will take a hit for that - I'm not very familiar with I/T but from forum discussions, I get the impression the reader expectations are a mite rigid there. You may have to work harder to find the readership for the kind of stories you write, since the category system is not on your side - I like what I've read of this one but I don't usually read in I/T, so I would never have seen it except for this feedback request and having seen your posts in AH.

(By "work harder" I mostly mean - write more stories, when you have a choice of categories perhaps try to put them in cats where you haven't previously posted, and eventually your readers will see one and then follow the breadcrumbs to your other work.)

Simon mentioned overuse of "fuck"/"shit". I half agree with this. I think the way you use them, they don't carry a lot of weight in terms of adding emphasis. But they do help establish your narrator's voice and personality - she's brash and foul-mouthed, without a lot of time for conventions. That fits in well with her choices so far and, I suspect, those I haven't got to yet.

Beyond that, you write really well. You have a great turn of phrase - "he was on Viagra... but he might as well have been on rabies". I hadn't encountered "beducation" before but I love it. You do a good job at making it believable that your protagonist wants to get into this work and I'm interested to see where it goes next. Maybe more feedback after I finish it.

I think a couple people here are over complicating things. I don't know if that's their nature or they're trying to sound like they know a lot, but I always try and keep things more simple.

The I/T category has a lot of factions, some like all types of 'pairings' some just like siblings, others are here for mom son etc...there's also the faction that wants the taboo pairing together exclusively with love involved, others want mindless fucking with as many family non family as possible...some like slow burns some like one handed...

But whatever their likes dislikes the I/T crowd is fairly laid back. Short of non con they usually won't bomb you-most incest bombs are from the category trolls who show up and bomb everything I/T- the only other time they're generally not happy is if there is no 'real' taboo and its step or implied or not 'straight up'

Its not a hard category to get an H in and an easy one to build a following. Like any other category the more you post there the better you'll do especially if you display a certain style that readers find they enjoy.

Nothing here-in any category-is rocket science. Write it, they will come(pun intended) everything else is just preference and in some people's cases some pretentiousness.

 

[Gator66]

Fantasy - Suspension of Disbelief

I'd give your story fists-full-o-stars.

My biggest problem with your story is that there has never been a prostitute in the history of the world that wasn't adamant about the money. During the interview process and well into the story there is hardly any real discussion about money. I know that there is some reference to an hourly rate but prostitutes fuck for money. It is the type of thing that kills the fantasy.

It is sorta like a story where an attorney tells the judge to fuck off, it just would never happen.

I only read the first 3 pages, I'm not a fan of f/d stories.

Hope this helps! Truly you're off to a great start!