My Transgender Awakening

[CA_Irishpilot]

If this is the case why do most transsexuals keep the penis. ?

THAT is a good question.

But, Gi is right. It is alot of money, and there are alot of people who have some level of gender dysphoria, but don't have a level of distain & hate for the penis. And, quite possibly, there are some who are afraid of the surgery. And rightfully so.


Would I do the sugery? Duno. Costly yes, but I duno. Can't answer that yet as I duno all about myself yet.


~ IrishPilot

 

[MyFriend27]

THAT is a good question.

But, Gi is right. It is alot of money, and there are alot of people who have some level of gender dysphoria, but don't have a level of distain & hate for the penis. And, quite possibly, there are some who are afraid of the surgery. And rightfully so.


Would I do the sugery? Duno. Costly yes, but I duno. Can't answer that yet as I duno all about myself yet.


~ IrishPilot

Very fair response but i think when you change the plumbing you are taking serious risks concerning sensation during sex and the such. Financially it is alot of money as well . I dont like the look of those fake vaginas either and cant imagine them working as well as a penis.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Very fair response but i think when you change the plumbing you are taking serious risks concerning sensation during sex and the such. Financially it is alot of money as well . I dont like the look of those fake vaginas either and cant imagine them working as well as a penis.

With a good surgeon they are indistinguishable from a natural womans. Why would you want to say that when you know who and what I am? What is your motivation?

 

[Gi_Venus]

a rough week, dealing with conservative family members finding out through a good frieinds accidental revealing. Basically my sister told me"Don't make me have to make a decision between you and Mom" Perceiving me as a threat to our elderly mom and basically saying she will have a meeting with the family if I push it. Whats with that? As myself I am a gentler, more loving individual projecting in a more postive way to the world. It is the main reason I have choosen the less revealing route, my mother. The one sister told my religious sister, I have not dealt with that yet. What is interesting is that when I am able to have quiet moments...I am happy, sigh! But I do not believe they will leave me alone.

 

[CA_Irishpilot]

With a good surgeon they are indistinguishable from a natural womans. Why would you want to say that when you know who and what I am? What is your motivation?

Very true. Very true.

And, from what alot of surgeons have said, MANY are able to function just the same as any other woman.


~ Irishpilot

 

[Gi_Venus]

been having some positive feed back in how I project in the world....*smile* People like me...at least most do. I recognize the postive qualities in people and if given a chance point those out to them. Sometimes a simple acknowledgement of someone is all that it takes to provoke a smile. I am fearful of meeting people who hate with unyeilding conviction, it is why I will be conservative so as not to provoke people especially when I am with my child. It is okay to put myself in danger but not my child. Sigh! It would be nice to be outrageous.

It is official.....I now have no hair on my ass....smooooooth......grin....YaY!

 

[CA_Irishpilot]

been having some positive feed back in how I project in the world....*smile* People like me...at least most do. I recognize the postive qualities in people and if given a chance point those out to them. Sometimes a simple acknowledgement of someone is all that it takes to provoke a smile. I am fearful of meeting people who hate with unyeilding conviction, it is why I will be conservative so as not to provoke people especially when I am with my child. It is okay to put myself in danger but not my child. Sigh! It would be nice to be outrageous.

It is official.....I now have no hair on my ass....smooooooth......grin....YaY!

hehe... smooth as a baby's bottom.



gawd, wouldn't that be nice... to be hairless...


one day...





~IrishPilot

 

[MyFriend27]

Why would you want to say that when you know who and what I am? What is your motivation?[/QUOTE]

I was not trying to upset you in any way. There is no reason for that. I wasnt aware that you were thinking of changing the plumbing as well. I just feel that when people do that they are taking their transformation to the extreme and some serious evaluating needs to be done. Anytime you jump into something that drastic must be met with a careful thought process and in the right frame of mind.

I wish you all the love and luck and i hope you are a beautiful female inside and out. You have my support

 

[Gi_Venus]

I was not trying to upset you in any way. There is no reason for that. I wasnt aware that you were thinking of changing the plumbing as well. I just feel that when people do that they are taking their transformation to the extreme and some serious evaluating needs to be done. Anytime you jump into something that drastic must be met with a careful thought process and in the right frame of mind.

I wish you all the love and luck and i hope you are a beautiful female inside and out. You have my support

I am sorryMyFriend27, I am hyper sensitive*hug* I mean you well too. I am aware of what a botched surgical process can do and it is frightening, that is years away If I can get the money together and get the referrals needed. I doubt I will be a beauty but I will be okay....*making a face* one of the subconscious things I did through the years...was pass a mirror and say*God you'd make an ugly woman!" And put off my thoughts on the matter. I can see as I change that I am not to be as ugly as I first anticipated. Sigh! I will never be drop dead gorgeous for the fact of my age. Once I finish loosing weight I will look pretty good. *smile*

I am excited a friend is giving me a bunch of her earrings it will be fun to see what she brings me.

 

[Gi_Venus]

There is definitely something that attracts attention such as the lack of definition. I express myself in subtle ways as a woman as I am not out as a MTF transgender person.....but my long hair, developing breasts, and earrings seem to be drawing attention to me. So I am inbetween right now....a group of men found me offensive in a restaurant as I ate with my little boy. They talked amongst themselves and glared at me. None of them know me, they do not know my heart or my thoughts.
I am glad I was in a conservative environment, in a bar I would have been confronted. Fear men....and I do, I do not live in a place where people like me are common. Definitely a must to be conservative when in the company of my little boy so I do not draw ire for his safety. So my ear piercings are healed...I might stop wearing them when in his presence. Sigh!

 

[Gi_Venus]

I have invested in some hoop earrings, they look great, I do not want to take them out.. Today I was bad and ordered some minis so I can wear them to work.

Had my blood tested, it seems that my testosterone levels are less than half that of an average woman. Yay! The bad news is that I have discovered that I have diabetes. Other than that my blood work came out great.

An invitation to dress up with a friend who has a nice selection of dresses.... She is also helping me with my voice which is entirely too male for me, but she has been voice coaching me, which I am excited about....grin....I have a sexy voice when it is projected right.

My little one was telling me I was inbetween a mom and a dad...*smile* his words.

Lost another 8 pounds...which adds to my shape. The thinner I get the more my womans shape shows. Another 20 to 30 pounds I may post my picture in my profile...smile.

 

[Gi_Venus]

feeling like death... My obsession is making me crazy.....I cannot get rid of the taint of maleness.....I cannot find the peace inside of myself anymore. Feelings of helpleness as I cannot grasp what I need to do. My friends try to help me.....but my hurt never goes away. Wishing I had the courage to do what would make things better. Into madness I go as the light shines no more.

 

[RoniB]

shadow

 

[Gi_Venus]

I truly feel for you, GI Venus ... please hang in there.

As for whether i am male or female? For me, it's always been one principal fact: i hate my body and i have as far back as i remember. The penis and the testicles are alien to my body. There are myriad other layers to my feminine, and to my masculine, self, but this for me was always the starting/ending point.

These aliens need to be sent back to Planet Y.

And they will be.

peace,

Veronica

*hugs* Thank you Veronica....lol I am very familiar with the self loathing(aka the male self)....I am working on changing all that.. You be good to yourself too. Thank you for writing.

 

[RoniB]

shadow

 

[tommynova2001]

draining...I can relate...

I read some and will be back to read more of your interesting journey. I began dealing with my transgender issues only 6 months ago, partly because of a thread on lit where I suddenly realized that I wasn't the only straight crossdresser out there. I seem to have no diasphoa towards my maleness, just some interest in being the other gender as well. maybe 80/20 m/f if such a slit were even possible.

1000 post later on a transgendered forum, 40,000 words in a blog on my explorations and I still have very little idea what it means. I know over the years for me the urge waxed and waned. It peaked about 2 months ago, and has receded a bit lately because I have HAD to be very male lately for work issues.

Best luck with your journey and don't take it too hard when some say things that seem insensitive, this is unfamiliar territory for most people.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Venus, i've trekked back through your posts of the last little while (omigod, they're so draining! ... take that as a compliment), and i won't pretend to say i have a real handle on exactly what stage you're at (emotionally, physically), but i'm empathetic and in fairly similar circumstances i would reckon.

"Wishing I had the courage to do what would make things better" ... ? If you want to share, i'm keen to know what you mean by this.

Making things better huh? Here's some of the advice i've gotten recently:
- drop the whole project
- go 24/7 immediately
- find a sugar daddy
- drop the whole project and get married
- find a boyfriend

So, what do i choose? What do i choose?

Ha ha ha ... all of these have been given serious consideration over the years, and some have been attempted by me. I'm still a mess.

C'est la vie. If i had just one real friend, regardless of what direction i'm taking, i'd feel better.
(Wow, this got melancholy in a hurry, didn't it?). "Find a boyfriend" my endocrinologist suggested ... easier said than done. Unless maybe he meant himself? I'll assume no.

But i'm happy with three things:
1. the way my breasts are "progressing"
2. the fact that i have support from at least the professional community
3. i love my REAL boyfriend (see photo)

Bless you,

V.

*hugs* Thank you V.
Take the road that is true to yourself. A friend of mine was just telling me, " really if you take it down to brass tacks its just a matter of accepting who you are, believing that who you are is OKAY and giving the rest of the world the finger.

Now there's guts and courage. Raise your finger - you can do it. "

The whole key to happiness is to be self actualized when the other people cannot affect you with their negativity nothing can stop you.

Lol this is good in theory but hard to apply when one has been victimizing themselves through the expectations of others. Manytimes those with a female mind are susceptible because we have a low self esteem and we get caught in trying to win approval with others.

"Wishing I had the courage to do what would make things better" ... ? If you want to share, i'm keen to know what you mean by this.

One is acting in what is good for me. My family has been trying to put a negative spin on everything because of their fears. Having the courage to believe in myself, I have many wonderful people especially online who have been a wonderful support in me.....they believe in me...but for some reason...I do not.....lol not surprising as my whole life as been a facade trying to fit in as a male, now I am to tear it down so that I can be myself.... the unknown is frightening....where will I end up? Can I do what I feel is the potential within myself? Expressing myself as a female has been so difficult for me because I have not lived in a place where that is acceptable, where it is actively repressed. Even my closest childhood friend has distanced himself.
The reality is....no one can know the reality of what we are experiencing....except those of us who are experiencing it. Even most therapists do not fully understand.

C'est la vie. If i had just one real friend, regardless of what direction i'm taking, i'd feel better.

That is what I am experiencing *warm hugs* Seeking out a support network is so important.

Gianna

 

[Gi_Venus]

draining...I can relate...

I read some and will be back to read more of your interesting journey. I began dealing with my transgender issues only 6 months ago, partly because of a thread on lit where I suddenly realized that I wasn't the only straight crossdresser out there. I seem to have no diasphoa towards my maleness, just some interest in being the other gender as well. maybe 80/20 m/f if such a slit were even possible.

1000 post later on a transgendered forum, 40,000 words in a blog on my explorations and I still have very little idea what it means. I know over the years for me the urge waxed and waned. It peaked about 2 months ago, and has receded a bit lately because I have HAD to be very male lately for work issues.

Best luck with your journey and don't take it too hard when some say things that seem insensitive, this is unfamiliar territory for most people.

Thank you Tommynova

Here is a link that may help you as Dr. Carl Bushong talks about the range somewhat of Gender Identity.

http://doctorbushong.com/pubs/what_is_gender.asp

 

[RoniB]

shadow

 

[Gi_Venus]

The COGIATI test has likely been bandied about here before and i missed it, but if not, have a good look at:

http://www.transsexual.org/TEST0.html

The acronym stands for Combined Gender Identity And Transsexuality Inventory, and can give some insights to the individual (ie. is your true GENDER male or female ... don't take results as gospel, but it can be enlightening). It's a fairly lengthy exercise, so give yourself a good 40 minutes of quiet, alone, time to finish it. The URL i've popped in here is absolutely not commerical in any way shape or form, just for the record.

v.

Thank you v. I took the test, thank you for sharing, it is the first time I have seen it. It was hard not to cheat but I gave honest answers. *whew* lol I would not have been happy if the results had been contrary to how I feel about myself.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Approaching year two in my hormone therapy, I am happy with the results.
Most everyone knows in my immediate environment, old friends are uncomfortable and look away, or avoid talking to me. I have joined the local PFLAG to gain some support, it is too new as of yet, but if I help there will be something for those who follow. Online support has in some cases resulted in real life support in some wonderful friendships with people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. They are my life lines.
With my weight loss has come my female figure, when I wear clothing that fits me..it is unmistakable. I usually wear clothing that is loose and baggy to hide my form. I am looking forward to living in a way where I do not have to do this.
No one wants to hide.

 

[Raidho]

Gi

I don't venture into this side of Lit very often, but your thread was at the top from the main screen, and I always smile when I see your name.

So here I am.

I read the entire thread, and so much of what you've written echoes the emotions and outbursts (not the word I'm looking for, but it'll have to do) of a very good friend of mine who is going through the process as well.

I'm fascinated by her journey, and my subsequent own one through hers. When I first met her, she was "Ben," a moody, unhappy guy who was incredibly sweet. Since then, she has gotten in touch with herself, rediscovered and recreated herself in a way that is so incredibly inspiring to this hetero genetic gal.

One thing I've discovered, by my watching her journey, is that there are such similarities between her MTF process and my own life's unfolding. I'm blessed simply because she's a part of my life, but I'm especially blessed by knowing her as "he" was and as she is becoming.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, other than I really, really, really enjoyed your thread (with a few notable exceptions that were too old to bother with addressing, I think). You resonate her energy, and that's a very warm, very happy place in which to sit.

Thank you.

I wish you many, many happy footsteps in your journey, and a very happy New Year.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Gi

I don't venture into this side of Lit very often, but your thread was at the top from the main screen, and I always smile when I see your name.

So here I am.

I read the entire thread, and so much of what you've written echoes the emotions and outbursts (not the word I'm looking for, but it'll have to do) of a very good friend of mine who is going through the process as well.

I'm fascinated by her journey, and my subsequent own one through hers. When I first met her, she was "Ben," a moody, unhappy guy who was incredibly sweet. Since then, she has gotten in touch with herself, rediscovered and recreated herself in a way that is so incredibly inspiring to this hetero genetic gal.

One thing I've discovered, by my watching her journey, is that there are such similarities between her MTF process and my own life's unfolding. I'm blessed simply because she's a part of my life, but I'm especially blessed by knowing her as "he" was and as she is becoming.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, other than I really, really, really enjoyed your thread (with a few notable exceptions that were too old to bother with addressing, I think). You resonate her energy, and that's a very warm, very happy place in which to sit.

Thank you.

I wish you many, many happy footsteps in your journey, and a very happy New Year.

Oh gawd, I am afraid to read the old stuff. lol Thank you Raidho it is the place that I hope to be. Really it is a powerful state of being that is necessitated by my condition......forward to a way of being that will only free me of old hurts and wounds. It is being me to heal me.. lol now why is that so hard? Self inflicted distortions can defeat me those I hopefully will overcome. The outside world...well...that is intimidating.... Thank you for your encouragement and your kind words, I wish you a happy journey as well. May the New Year Bring you great joy.

 

[RoniB]

shadow

 

[Gi_Venus]

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good __________ (well, you know).

Peace,

Roni

Merry Christmas v. my lovely friend *hugs*