Need help with motivation

[emptynester]

We recently moved youngest back home for a while. He was living close to the college with my middle son and a couple of others. A friend of my youngest began visiting the boys at their place and eventually just stayed.

Let me give you some background. He is the middle boy in a family where Dad left them at very young ages. Dad was on drugs, couldn't hold a job, etc. etc. He was a footbal jock in H.S. but soon after the season ended he quit going to school. His mom did the only thing I guess she could and had him see a psychologist. They put him on antidepressants which seemed to only make matters worse. He was missing a lot of school and they were calling her alot. At one point she called my son crying and ask if he could stay with us. I wish she would have called me instead but I guess was too embarrassed. He was at our house most of the time anyway. I wouldn't have turned him away, but would have established some guidelines. He graduated H.S. at mid-term with my youngest encouraging him daily. After mid-term, he moved back home, went through graduation in the Spring and then went back into sleeping his life away and taking medication.

After moving in with the boys, while the other boys went to college and work, he slept all day, took more antidepressants and did nothing. My husband and I have been trying to let the boys go it alone, but it finally became too much for the youngest so we told him to move back home for a while hoping the other one would go home too. Mine was working, going to college and, paying his share of the rent,paying both their shares for food, gas driving him places, etc. He financially couldn't do it working part-time. When we found out he was going to try and work more hours, we had to step in.

We don't live that far from the University, but it has been more difficult for my son to get to classes on time. The highway between here and there is currently under construction and you never know when you will get tied up.

When mine came home the other one came too. He just never went home. At first I was resentful but my son really has been the only friend this boy has had. At least the type of friend that has been a help to him. My husband and I decided we couldn't send him home and needed to take some pressure off our son. This boy is so shy he hardly ever spoke around us so everything was being relayed through my son. We sat both of them down, established some guidelines and gave him permission to stay providing he found a car (grandma promised to help him buy it) and a job.

My husband and son helped him find a truck. Grandma came through and paid for it and gives him money weekly for gas. She made this arrangement with him providing he got a job and paid her back.

Now the problem. He is so very introverted and has no clue how to go about finding a job. He worked some in H.S. with a girlfriends Dad installing floors.He worked with my two youngest through the summer doing construction. He has never had to interview and I can't even imagine him getting through an interview.

He is doing so much better now as far as the depression. He is off the pills, trying to quit smoking (we don't allow it in the house and we don't suppply the money for cigarettes) and even talking more around us. Weekends all the boys and friends are home and they have ping pong tournaments. He joins in and is really coming out of his shell.

We just need to know how to help motivate him and help him help himself find a job. After several attempts at sending him places where we knew there were openings, we are starting to realize he has no concept of how to apply, let alone interview. I have been on Monster.com and various places finding openings where he can apply. He will sit with me by the computer and we talk about the jobs and what he might be interested in. He has no idea what he wants to do and most of the time will just agree so I am not sure if he is really interested or just agreeing with what I say.

Sorry for the long post but I really need your input. This is not a bad kid. He is really a great kid who just needs some help. I just have such a hard time since mine are pretty self motivated and definitely think they know what they want even if that changes daily.

We are very close to our boys and even their friends who have grown up around our home. At night the boys have always come into our room to say goodnight and are not embarrassed to give us a hug and kiss on the cheek. Even their really close buddies hug us goodbye. He is doing that now and it just breaks our hearts. It is obvious, he has never had that kind of TLC. We want to help him but we are a little lost about how to go about motivating him to look on his own.

He went on his first interview Wednesday with a company my husband had contacts with. He explained the situation to them and supposedly the interview went well. He would be making deliveries for them.

He even filled out paperwork although he was not sure exactly what it was. We are not calling them because we want him to get this solely on his own. They are supposed to call him next week. It would be a great company to work for but we don't want him to sit around and wait. If nothing else, he needs to go on more interviews to build up some confidence.

Your help and advice would be appreciated.

 

[SweetErika]

My first thought is, have you done roleplaying/mock interviews with him, like they do in high school and job programs?

There are tons of interview tips and questions online. I'd go over the Dos and Don'ts with him, have him list out his strengths, do a couple of resumes, practice answering questions, then call in a friend/neighbor to interview him. The only way to get over the nervouness of interviews is to practice and actually do it, in my experience. Even if his interviews for manual labor jobs are different from what you practice, he should learn how to interview for other jobs in his lifetime, so the time spent doing this is well worth it, IMO.

What about local job centers/programs (we have one in WA called WorkSource, where people can get help with resumes, interviewing, apply for jobs, etc.)?

Another option, if he doesn't get the one he's applied for, is temp agencies in your area. He can make some money on day/weekly jobs while he's looking for something else. That'd also be a good way for him to experience multiple environments, practice his skills and see what he might like to do longer-term.

As for motivation, could you tell him that until he gets a permanent job, his job in exchange for room and board is to prepare for the workforce and actively job hunt/interview?

 

[emptynester]

Thanks SweetErica - Great Advice. He is still a little hesitant with us. I wrote out some questions and he is supposed to be practicing with my son. He does pretty good but has trouble making eye contact. He is so shy. He wants to look at the floor.
I am still looking up jobs for him. He has use of a computer but doesn't get on it to look anything up. We have both shown him how but he just doesn't. He will get on it to play games, but doesn't seem to be motivated to do anything else. My son will tell him what he needs to do and he will, but to make a decision even to go get something to eat or a snack, he waits on my son and then follows him. Can't seem to make any decision for himself.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Hmm, Erika always gives good practical advice, but I'm wondering if all this help & mollycoddling is actually doing anything but making him worse.

You say he's a great kid, but in what way is he great. He does nothing, he contributes nothing, he has no thoughts of his own & no apparent will to help himself. Why would he, when everyone does everything for him already? He's got the poor little shy me thing down pat & it's working really , really well.

You & your son have done your bit, now he has to do his. If he hasn't got the oomph to shift his own butt you have to give him some, starting with you WILL use the computer to look for work, not play games. You WILL, until you have a job & can contribute financially to this household, do these chores. You WILL go to the local unemployment centres, follow up on their leads & you WILL show me evidence of your efforts.

Nothing will boost his self esteem & confidence more than getting out there & doing something with his time. He will learn from mistakes that he's bound to make during job interviews & eventually he'll find work, but you can't do it for him.

He's very lucky to have your family caring for him, but he has to make an effort too.

 

[SweetErika]

Hmm, Erika always gives good practical advice, but I'm wondering if all this help & mollycoddling is actually doing anything but making him worse.

Actually, you and I are on the same page here.

Just to clarify, Empty, I think teaching him the skills and helping him practice is one thing, but it sounds like you're simply enabling him to continue being lazy by not making him look for the jobs himself and allowing him to play computer games all day.

At the very least, he should be working for his keep around the house and making a good effort to find and apply for jobs. Until he has a full-time job, make chores and looking for work his FT job. If he doesn't know how to look for jobs, interview, do laundry or other stuff, by all means, show him, but then make him do those things for himself. If he's not using the computer to look, take away the computer.

It sounds like you've done a good job helping him, but now you're still doing so much that it's teaching and helping him to be irresponsible.

If he's as good as a kid as you say, he'll do his absolute best at the new job you've given him. If he's not, he won't, and will likely keep it up until you give in or start looking for a new place to be a bum when you don't. If you're smart and really want to help him, you won't.

 

[emptynester]

You say he's a great kid, but in what way is he great. He does nothing, he contributes nothing, he has no thoughts of his own & no apparent will to help himself. Why would he, when everyone does everything for him already? He's got the poor little shy me thing down pat & it's working really , really well.

I appreciate your comments and felt the same as you when he was living with the boys. In the beginning, I thought he was just being lazy and resented the fact that he was willing to let them work while he slept there and ate their food.
Since moving in here, he does his own laundry, towels from the bathroom, he will unload the dishwasher if I wash them when I leave for work. He helps clean off the table when we are done eating and puts his dishes in the dishwasher. Most of that I think comes from watching what the others do when they are here.
Honsetly now I am convinced that he never had to do anything at home. I know they never had sit down meals. He lived in the basement of his home with his older brother (who recently joined the Coastguard) and they came and went as they pleased. As long as they were quiet and let mom sleep, she never complained.
He lacks in social skills, personal hygiene skills, etc, etc. While my boys have been taught from a very young age to brush their teeth, wash their hair, shower daily, wear deodrant, and so on, he has been left to fend for himself. Spending time with the boys, he now has his routine. He does whatever they do. They shower daily, he showers daily. They do their laundry, he will too. He watches and learns from what they do. The boys have said he cleans the duplex now while they are at school and working. He is starting to do things on his own. This has all taken place over just a matter of a few months.
By being a good kid, I mean he has a good heart. He is appreciative of what we have done and are doing for him. He is respectful and obeys our rules even if they are different from the way he was brought up. When he came over some during their senior year, I had a problem with him and the youngest leaving after we had gone to bed and coming in at wee hours of the AM. He isn't doing any of those things that we had a problem with before.
I am not coddling him but I do want him to know he is loved. I think he has truly been amazed at the way we interact as a family. He has never experienced that at home.
His father tried a couple of times to commit suicide before leaving for good. My son was afraid he would try too. He felt like he didn't know what his purpose in life was. He admitted (to my son) he had no direction to go after high school. I really can't agree that he is being lazy. I have seen him work at the construction sites and he helped me with some ceramic tile flooring last year in our house. He is a hard worker, he just has no idea how to get the job.
Thank you both for the advice. I sincerely do appreciate it and don't mean to sound ungrateful. It is good for me to stop and analyze the situation from different perspectives. You both have helped with that.

 

[SweetErika]

Has he considered the Coast Guard or other services (though it seems like the Navy and AF are the only other smart ones to do right now), or some type of civil service where he could learn job and life skills?

Maybe as he progresses, stretch him a little. Ask him to wash the dishes AND load the dishwasher; add managable responsibilities to his current ones so he'll be able to do well on his own soon.

 

[emptynester]

Has he considered the Coast Guard or other services (though it seems like the Navy and AF are the only other smart ones to do right now), or some type of civil service where he could learn job and life skills?

Originally he and his brother were joining the Coastguard together. When he first started hanging out with the boys, his head was shaved and he told them he had joined. Later the boys told me his grandmother had talked him out of it but the older brother had enlisted.

I am not sure why she felt he shouldn't. I know she was concerned about his mental state too for a while. She may have felt he wasn't ready or maybe he wouldn't have passed since he had been on the medications he was on.

The older brother didn't get in at first. I am not sure why, we given a reason but it didn't add up. His buddies who enlisted went earlier and he is just now going. I am not familiar with how all of that works.