wildsweetone
i am what i am
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2002
- Posts
- 6,809
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this review contains some constructive criticism that is intended to help some poets with their writing.
15 New Poems up today. Let's see how they're looking.
The first three are poetry with audio and there's an E out today.
Who am I, if not all Women by KR a first poetry submission for this year. i like this poem very much. i was delighted to see the title does NOT contain an error and even more delighted to read a great poem for the start of today's review. i love the imagery, the wording (yes i had to look up numinous), the repetition works well, there are a couple of cliches that actually work. the line breaks work well also. on listening to the audio, i found it very slow, though pleasing to the ear. unfortunately the audio is not complete (at least on my computer it isn't) and that was disappointing. to improve this poem... hmm i think i would suggest stanza breaks. listening to the reading confirms this. the audio voice is pleasant to the ear. over all, this is a great poem to check out!
one thing that bugs me is that using Mozilla Firefox the audio opens on the same tab as the original poem - i prefer to read as i listen, at least in the first instance.
Anomaly by MungoParkIII . another interesting poem. i like the reference to statistics in this poem, i like the ease of the read. i'm guessing that this will remind many of us of our younger days travelling with siblings. i think this poem is well written. i like the alliteration and rhyme/near-rhyme within the poem. it does stand well as it is and for an improvement i might suggest adding a little more jazzy wording in to give it a little more oomph. the audio works well (and finishes!) and the voice is very pleasant on the ear.
Empty by rachlou . in this eight line poem there is a succinctness and depth that edges towards haiku, in my opinion. the wording is clean and clear. i'm not sure if some are a little cliche, listening to the audio seems to make it sound unique. to improve, i'd suggest to this poet to try leaving the beginning line capitals out, and perhaps to consider using the entire space on a page, to free the mind and set this poem out to mirror the words. --- at the very least it would be fun trying that for this poem. interesting read.
just an aside with the audio presentations - i noticed many, many things that i would not normally have noticed with simply reading the poem myself. there are an interesting mixture of sounds in each poem, a clever use of words as in 'reigns'. it is well worth any poet who wants to improve, to go and listen to the audio of these three poems. there are excellent lessons within each for us and i thank the poets for sharing these poems.
ghost by 4degrees . i like this one. i almost want to suggest you write it longer, partly because i want to hear more and i want to have a little more explained. i want to know why the hearts are losing their red veneer (great imagery by the way), i want to know why the phantom is depreciating. but that's just me. i have a couple of things that i'd suggest this poet looks at. poem shape, line endings and beginnings. firstly shape. this poem is close to the shape of a ghost, it could be further enhanced by perhaps lengthening the 'tail' - the poem ending, if that is the look you'd like. secondly line endings... with a centered poem, in my opinion, both the line beginnings and the line endings are very important and useful word positions. it's very difficult in a brief poem to make every single word have impact, i understand that much. there are a couple of line endings that might be improved, i.e. line three and line five. 'of' could be left right out, its omission would not lose anything in the poem. and i think i would try to improve on 'their' in some way. overall, another great read from this poet whose work i actively look for. thank you. i have no idea what the requirements are for achieving a green 'E', so won't comment on it other than to say, i'm glad your poem caught the eye of others.
Oblivious by new poet OliviaAR . i eventually saw the no personal comments at the bottom of this poem. i did write up a feedback for you OliviaAP and if you'd like to see it, please let me know. at the very least, welcome to Literotica OliviaAP.
Haiku by new poet darin6977 also has no personal comments activated. welcome to Literotica Darin6977.
Longing (Love on the Internet) by RossDaniels . this poem probably makes much sense to many many people. read it for yourself and see what you think. i found the language easy to read, the rhyming was mostly okay (though it may be my accent that doesn't quite make the rhyme for the last two lines). improvements? i think if some poetic wording were included the poem might be spiced up a little. as it is, it reads just a little flat which surprised me as the emotions incurred by the story told could be quite gut-wrenching.
the first poem of two... Un by darkerdreamer. i saw the title and thought 'what?', then saw the poet and realised i was in for a read. very clever writing. i had to read it twice before i UNtangled my self. improvements would be to correct the spelling error in the last line. punctuation is excellent, in my opinion.
the second poem of two... sclerotization also by darkerdreamer. obviously the title had me running for the dictionary. okay darkerdreamer you have me wondering if this is about insects or humans, war or peace. i like it. this poem has that quirky effect that i like. a deceiving depth. very cleverly written. i have no idea what i could suggest as an improvement for this poem. - i would like to hear this one in audio.
Darkness behind my eyes by new poet? CosmicDreams . i will not be commenting on this writing. i feel it was misplaced by the writer who is new to Literotica and should be in the prose section of the website, perhaps it was placed under poetry due to not reaching the prose word count limit.
first of two...
Dawn Unfolds by relatively new poet MissBonnieJo . i liked this poem. the rhyming worked well and the story unfolded as did the lyrical subject. for improvements i would suggest using more punctuation.
second of two...
Round peg in a square (i am saying the word 'hole' at the end of that title because it just seems to fit). again, i would like to see what this poem would look like with a little punctuation. this poem is set out and written in an interesting manner. i'm going to read more by this poet.
One wise son by KOLKORE . i liked this poem for the story it tell. to improve i think i would suggest that the poet has been a little too brief with his use of words. i'd like to see it written a little more full. i.e. in line two, who is 'them' referring to? to put it another way, KOLKORE, you have caught my attention with your words that i find interesting. now i want to know the story that goes along with them. i'd like to read more.
The Voice by new-to the-poetry-section king_wesley . i like the way each line ends with an important word. i like the story told. i think the line beginnings do not all need capitals, so i'd look to those first. i think i'd take out 'that' in line 2 and perhaps 'for' in the penultimate line. just little things. i look forward to reading more of this poet's poetry.
About That Friend by Curiouswife . very clever. i can't think of any improvements for this poem. well written. okay, one improvement. take out the word 'for' in the first line in stanza two.
Please note that these are my opinions on poems. It is up to you as a reader to form your own. Go read, go comment and keep writing!
this review contains some constructive criticism that is intended to help some poets with their writing.
15 New Poems up today. Let's see how they're looking.
The first three are poetry with audio and there's an E out today.
Who am I, if not all Women by KR a first poetry submission for this year. i like this poem very much. i was delighted to see the title does NOT contain an error and even more delighted to read a great poem for the start of today's review. i love the imagery, the wording (yes i had to look up numinous), the repetition works well, there are a couple of cliches that actually work. the line breaks work well also. on listening to the audio, i found it very slow, though pleasing to the ear. unfortunately the audio is not complete (at least on my computer it isn't) and that was disappointing. to improve this poem... hmm i think i would suggest stanza breaks. listening to the reading confirms this. the audio voice is pleasant to the ear. over all, this is a great poem to check out!
one thing that bugs me is that using Mozilla Firefox the audio opens on the same tab as the original poem - i prefer to read as i listen, at least in the first instance.
Anomaly by MungoParkIII . another interesting poem. i like the reference to statistics in this poem, i like the ease of the read. i'm guessing that this will remind many of us of our younger days travelling with siblings. i think this poem is well written. i like the alliteration and rhyme/near-rhyme within the poem. it does stand well as it is and for an improvement i might suggest adding a little more jazzy wording in to give it a little more oomph. the audio works well (and finishes!) and the voice is very pleasant on the ear.
Empty by rachlou . in this eight line poem there is a succinctness and depth that edges towards haiku, in my opinion. the wording is clean and clear. i'm not sure if some are a little cliche, listening to the audio seems to make it sound unique. to improve, i'd suggest to this poet to try leaving the beginning line capitals out, and perhaps to consider using the entire space on a page, to free the mind and set this poem out to mirror the words. --- at the very least it would be fun trying that for this poem. interesting read.
just an aside with the audio presentations - i noticed many, many things that i would not normally have noticed with simply reading the poem myself. there are an interesting mixture of sounds in each poem, a clever use of words as in 'reigns'. it is well worth any poet who wants to improve, to go and listen to the audio of these three poems. there are excellent lessons within each for us and i thank the poets for sharing these poems.
ghost by 4degrees . i like this one. i almost want to suggest you write it longer, partly because i want to hear more and i want to have a little more explained. i want to know why the hearts are losing their red veneer (great imagery by the way), i want to know why the phantom is depreciating. but that's just me. i have a couple of things that i'd suggest this poet looks at. poem shape, line endings and beginnings. firstly shape. this poem is close to the shape of a ghost, it could be further enhanced by perhaps lengthening the 'tail' - the poem ending, if that is the look you'd like. secondly line endings... with a centered poem, in my opinion, both the line beginnings and the line endings are very important and useful word positions. it's very difficult in a brief poem to make every single word have impact, i understand that much. there are a couple of line endings that might be improved, i.e. line three and line five. 'of' could be left right out, its omission would not lose anything in the poem. and i think i would try to improve on 'their' in some way. overall, another great read from this poet whose work i actively look for. thank you. i have no idea what the requirements are for achieving a green 'E', so won't comment on it other than to say, i'm glad your poem caught the eye of others.
Oblivious by new poet OliviaAR . i eventually saw the no personal comments at the bottom of this poem. i did write up a feedback for you OliviaAP and if you'd like to see it, please let me know. at the very least, welcome to Literotica OliviaAP.
Haiku by new poet darin6977 also has no personal comments activated. welcome to Literotica Darin6977.
Longing (Love on the Internet) by RossDaniels . this poem probably makes much sense to many many people. read it for yourself and see what you think. i found the language easy to read, the rhyming was mostly okay (though it may be my accent that doesn't quite make the rhyme for the last two lines). improvements? i think if some poetic wording were included the poem might be spiced up a little. as it is, it reads just a little flat which surprised me as the emotions incurred by the story told could be quite gut-wrenching.
the first poem of two... Un by darkerdreamer. i saw the title and thought 'what?', then saw the poet and realised i was in for a read. very clever writing. i had to read it twice before i UNtangled my self. improvements would be to correct the spelling error in the last line. punctuation is excellent, in my opinion.
the second poem of two... sclerotization also by darkerdreamer. obviously the title had me running for the dictionary. okay darkerdreamer you have me wondering if this is about insects or humans, war or peace. i like it. this poem has that quirky effect that i like. a deceiving depth. very cleverly written. i have no idea what i could suggest as an improvement for this poem. - i would like to hear this one in audio.
Darkness behind my eyes by new poet? CosmicDreams . i will not be commenting on this writing. i feel it was misplaced by the writer who is new to Literotica and should be in the prose section of the website, perhaps it was placed under poetry due to not reaching the prose word count limit.
first of two...
Dawn Unfolds by relatively new poet MissBonnieJo . i liked this poem. the rhyming worked well and the story unfolded as did the lyrical subject. for improvements i would suggest using more punctuation.
second of two...
Round peg in a square (i am saying the word 'hole' at the end of that title because it just seems to fit). again, i would like to see what this poem would look like with a little punctuation. this poem is set out and written in an interesting manner. i'm going to read more by this poet.
One wise son by KOLKORE . i liked this poem for the story it tell. to improve i think i would suggest that the poet has been a little too brief with his use of words. i'd like to see it written a little more full. i.e. in line two, who is 'them' referring to? to put it another way, KOLKORE, you have caught my attention with your words that i find interesting. now i want to know the story that goes along with them. i'd like to read more.
The Voice by new-to the-poetry-section king_wesley . i like the way each line ends with an important word. i like the story told. i think the line beginnings do not all need capitals, so i'd look to those first. i think i'd take out 'that' in line 2 and perhaps 'for' in the penultimate line. just little things. i look forward to reading more of this poet's poetry.
About That Friend by Curiouswife . very clever. i can't think of any improvements for this poem. well written. okay, one improvement. take out the word 'for' in the first line in stanza two.
Please note that these are my opinions on poems. It is up to you as a reader to form your own. Go read, go comment and keep writing!
i'd love to see what you do with that. i can't think of anything to improve for Big Screen Television - actually, yes i can. i'd think about taking a photo in a different way, maybe a unique angle or perspective that has not been used before.
