Normal dom behavior?

[Nezhul]

sub drawing the outline of a picture, she can draw whatever she wants... within that picture he can colour things how he wants, paint the sky purple if he wants but he never, ever crosses her lines...

This is a great analogy, I'll have to remember it.

 

[AlliaPotestas]

This is a great analogy, I'll have to remember it.

Found the original...

https://lovemysub.tumblr.com/post/128265356846/my-relationship-with-my-submissive-is-like-a

 

[Nezhul]

There's a very good post there actually that is right on the mark in this thread, so I'll link it:

https://lms-archive.tumblr.com/post/159891362599/me-34-yo-woman-whos-known-i-am-submissive-for

 

[LiamHDunn]

Never second guess your instincts! Trust them, even when trusting them means not getting what you want. Maybe, especially when trusting them means not getting that shiny something.

And even when your instincts are to go forward, do so with great care and a dose of skepticism. Trust, but verify.

I had a friend who met a guy on-line who she thought was perfect. They were a couple of hundred miles apart, close enough for a long weekend. Everyone in our group, and I mean every single person in our play group, encouraged her to be safe. To take steps to protect herself. She thought we were all worried about nothing.

She met him, no one heard from her for over a month, until she turned up in the Chesapeake Bay, bound and murdered.

Plan a safe call. Take a picture of your playmate, his car and his license plate and send those to your safe call. Set a time to check back in, if you miss it, have your safe call ready to call the police.

I freely confess that the whole on-line BDSM thing alludes me to a great extent. It's just not my experience. To me, it is a very intimate thing that -in my opinion- requires physical presence. Maybe there's something I need to learn.

But my point is, how many women here on Lit would meet a guy on the street and go home with him that instant? On line lends itself to a false sense of knowledge of one another. Have fun, explore, seek new experiences. But do it safely!

 

[Farawyn]

Um, it's not about responsibility and guiding for everyone. There are those who like to do kinky stuff in bed, and otherwise have a vanilla relationship. For example me, I'm a Dom.
Do I guide anyone anywhere? Shape them? Do I value my responsibility over them?
No.
Responsibility is a price I pay for being able to play - a very important price, but it's not like I enjoy it in any way specifically.

What I enjoy is tying a girl helpless and playing with her for mutual enjoyment. It's not wrong and it works.

Honestly, BDSM is a sexual thing. People do it FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION.
Someone tells you that he likes guiding and shaping you and taking responsibility - he's either a big fat liar or he's into manipulation more than into being a Dominant.
Sorry to break your bubble.

Bahaha, no.

Mixing exes into current relationship is such a bad habit. If a girl asked me of this - that would be MY red flag.

I don't ask her about her Ex'es, and she doesn't have to deal with mine.
All of this even outside BDSM.

In BDSM? Doubly so.

I have to wonder what sexy novels have you read.

90%+ of dominants and submissives never had a mentor. They learned it with their partners, step by step.

Very hard to answer that abstract question. What you mentioned is correct for hardcore bondage scene, but not for mild dom/sub scene. Why the fuck would you bring first aid kit for that, when all you are going to do is basically normal sex with roleplay?

Also, to get to the scenes where water and snacks would be required - is a LOOOOONG journey.

Depends on a dom, a sub and what they want. This applies only for "lifestyle" DS relationships.

Extremely hard to plan, even with normal relationship. What do you want him to say? Get married and have kiddies?
I've known pairs who dated for 5 - 7 years before progressing their relationship in any meaningful way.

If I was asked that, the only answer would be "To hopefully still be together and enjoying the heck out of it"


Simply can't answer that before you know the sub well.


Bottomline: most of your questions are ridiculous.
Also I would feel like being questioned in front of a shooting squad, and that would tell me that the person (sub) on the other end is maniacally controlling person, probably nagging and not very pleasant to deal with.
It's a start of the relationship and you propose to bombard the guy with this crap about his Ex'es phone numbers and 1 year commitments.

NO!
Kinky relationship is A RELATIONSHIP. You need to start it like you would start any dating, and the red flags are the same. What cascadiabound has in mind is discussing "contract" details with no love, no nothing behind it - purely D&S relationship where you submit to somebody. While some may want that, this is clearly not the case with the OP.

We have criticized the guy for being interested only in sex. Well, guess what, cascadiabound's questions would make me feel like the girl is interested only in sex and DS stuff. If I'm me, I politely turn her down at that point. Simply not interested to have a "submissive" before I get a "girlfriend".
If I'm a douche like her man seems to be - It will only justify my sex pursues, if I got asked so many sex questions at once. It will really confuse me if she asked me 10 DS and sex questions, and then got angry at me for talking about sex all the time. And this time, I would be justified in my confusion, because these are mixed signals.

I agree with all of this. I’m a relationship gal. The BDSM is icing on the cake.
No contracts. Only constant commmuication.

 

[cascadiabound]

I concur with the wise folks who have posted above. Trust your gut. Etc. This guy has a lot of red flags. I also came across this in my wanderings today which may be useful to the OP or others.
(Note... what follows is a repost from tumblr - if you care to know which one, ask me.)

Questions to ask a prospective Dom
NOTE: These were compiled by a PYL with over 40 years of real time lived BDSM experience. He is not a fantasy guy or living in on-line only. You may or may not agree that this is the way YOU would approach these (Nezul ) - but these actually make pretty good sense to me, (otw I would not have posted it) and I have talked with PYL's who would not object to any of these things being asked. And in my experience - mentor often is one's sexual partner. I have had a number of PYL's tell me that the person who introduced them to BDSM and helped them understand their Dom nature were subs. This is NOT the same thing as self taught.

Also.... Yes. This list seems like a lot of questions to me too. I would probably ask the ones that seemed to apply to my situation or would help me the most, not use all of them like some kind of mindless playbook. I offered these as tools, not as prescription.

My postscript reposted here. I'm not gonna get in a pissing contest with anyone. I agree with everyone that communication is key and a BDSM relationship is first and foremost a relationship. The BDSM part is how we kinky fuckers like to do sex. But because for some people it also involves power exchange, for all or some part of the time, it is my opinion that the vetting approach I offered has some merit for some people. It certainly is not everyone's style and I'm not surprised that some PYLs would object to it.
~cascadia

 

[Dreamliner]

Without reinventing too much form all the other poster's Dancergirl, think first of a relationship, how would you normally meet someone?

The submissive piece is still way down the track.

 

[yukonnights]

As with virtually every aspect of human nature there are a great number of personal preferences. Kink (of whatever flavor) is really just another of those preferences. In D/s, it seems that some people truly do desire to be virtually powerless and "forced" and/or "used"/"degraded"....while in another person the emphasis is on love, care, nourishing, etc. Thus, as has been said very well above, it is well worth the time to sit and ponder just what one really needs out of the relationship...and also what one might be able to offer to the other.

What I'm trying to say is; There is no perfect cookbook or list or guide that will be precisely perfect for anyone. Learn thyself well is the best start.

(What a wonderful thread...such wisdom!)

 

[DancergirlB]

Hi! DancergirlB here! What a day! What a rush! Thank you ALL. (Well, no thank you to the guy who sent dick pics... that was a first for me!! Haha! No, but truly, thank you for caring and sharing. First of all, I felt isolated. Not ashamed of my deviant behavior, but obviously I know it's not easily understood. So to find litererotica when I needed it most... a blessing. And all you lovely people encouraging me, teaching me, and guiding me.... it has been healing and inspiring to read. I even connected with someone who fits with me perfectly as an online dom who makes me feel safe and respected.... and free to date "vanilla" until I feel good and ready to reveal my brand of kink. I'm so grateful... and relieved and relaxed and happy AF to have found this tribe. I'm a writer, too.... I don't write erotic stuff, but I enjoy the stories and poems here very much. And! My dom asked me how I discovered I was a sub... no one has asked me such questions about my lifestyle...I had not thought of that in so long (I've been a "woke" sub for a LONG time) I remembered I first realized it after reading some lightly erotic literature about bondage and control... and thinking oh yeah... this is what I really want and respond best to.... a sexual awakening of sorts... because of a book! So once again, all my love and gratitude to you all. I'm really glad to be here!
-B

 

[cascadiabound]

Dancer girl...

1) no rush as you find new people here.
2) there is an asshat thread for those stupid PM's you get like unsolicited dic pics over in the cafe right next door.
3) repeat of #1 - TAKE it SLOW. and good luck and welcome to Lit.

 

[DancergirlB]

Of course no rush. Needed this little boost and all is well. I so appreciate the concern and care. My forever, real flesh and blood relationship with come when it is time and will develop over time. Thsi virtual friend I've made- we are serving each other a purpose and are both in full agreement to the terms. I was confused and sad.... still confused but learning more by the minute. And no longer sad. Inspired and encouraged. Thank you so much

 

[richard_daily]

Hi female sub here.

I have dabbled in this and I know I'm a sub. I have tried to teach my partners what I need to varying degrees of success. I met someone online who very carefully and respectfully found out I was a sub. He seemed excited about his discovery, as was I... we seemed to hit it off "outside" these parameters, so it seemed to both of us to be icing on the cake. He then started acting confusing. We had not yet met in person but he wanted to talk with me explicitly about what I would be doing for him (and he for me... he used all the right language and seemed legit). I was very excited to meet him but he kept pushing for an immediate sexual experience. I thought I was clear that I would be a very good girl when/if we decided this was a good fit, but in the end he asked me what his chances were of me going to his house and getting on my knees were. Like right away. I was like, no, I'm not agreeing to that before I even meet you. And he seemed offended that I would put him in the category of men who just want sex. But wasn't that what he was asking for? Was he testing me? It seemed too dangerous! I'm disappointed. I thought I had found a gem. Did I chicken out??? Give me your thoughts. Subs, doms, anyone. PS I'm a former professional concert dancer in my 40's ... I look young, and I'm generally recognized as beautiful... I'm finding this to be a real obstacle. The minute anyone finds out I'm submissive they get greedy.

He definitely wanted sex.

But there isn't anything wrong with wanting sex.