Not sure I fit in

[lillostone]

Not sure if I even fit in here. I am a survivor of severe abuse of all kinds for the first 25 years of my life due to my parents and two other relatives. I also survived 3 date rapes after that. Not even sure if I should be ehre at all. I just want to cut, burn, hit something or od to make it stop. Like anyone really cares or anything.

 

[Cakegirl]

Hi lillostone,

You might want to check out Gil's thread at:
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=119289&highlight=get+over+being+abused

There are plenty of people here at Lit who have been abused - so yes, you do fit in.

~Cakegirl

 

[lillostone]

Thanks. I appreciate the link

 

[Lust Engine]

Not sure if I even fit in here. I am a survivor of severe abuse of all kinds for the first 25 years of my life due to my parents and two other relatives. I also survived 3 date rapes after that. Not even sure if I should be ehre at all. I just want to cut, burn, hit something or od to make it stop. Like anyone really cares or anything.

First off, more destruction is no way to move ahead here. And a lousy attitude sure as heck doesn't curry any sympathy from anyone either. If you can be straight forward honest with the things like the abuse, I'd think that you get more sympathy, care & concern. There are resources out there to ease your pain; the first step is to seek them out.

 

[lillostone]

First off, so that you know, I was not feeling sorry for myself, I was introducing myself and saying a little about what I have been through and going through, how I feel and what I have done to cope and feel like doing.

That was prolly the most calloused, uncaring and inconsiderate response that anyone has ever given a survivor ever.

 

[Monazwx]

Sadly, there are many ppl. on the boards who have or are still going through abuse of all types, like yourself.

Acknowledging your feelings is a good start, but now you have to be careful that you don't start to wallow. Gil's thread is a good step towards realizing that there are others who have overcome and that you can do the same. Opening up over time helps, even if you do feel vunerable. Most importantly, it's crucial that you find RL (real life) support for your situation. From your initial post, it sounds as if your parents can't be counted on, so I suggest that you reach out to genuine people who care and will stand by you.

Good luck and I hope to see you around the boards sometime.

 

[Lust Engine]

First off, so that you know, I was not feeling sorry for myself, I was introducing myself and saying a little about what I have been through and going through, how I feel and what I have done to cope and feel like doing.

That was prolly the most calloused, uncaring and inconsiderate response that anyone has ever given a survivor ever.

Are you referring to me being "calloused, uncaring & inconsiderate"?

While it's fine to define where you've come from and the abuse that you've taken, you also end your intial post with "Like anyone really cares or anything". Are you condemning those who DO care?? State your facts plainly is fine but to come back with that for a closing thought really turns people away. At no point do I consider what I or anyone else on this thread wrote as being hostile in ANY way. We can sympathize with you being a survivor but guess what? None of us have ever walked a moment in your steps- we can only sympathize SO much. We've all acknowledged your pain. The next steps are yours.

Realize when you post, you incur opinions. Not all of us will agree with your tact but we all feel some measure of respect for you.

I have yet to see the callousness your talking about here. If you seek sympathy, ask. If you seek counselling, ask. If you seek a shoulder to lean on, ask. Please let us know what you seek on this Board. Acknowledge yo yourself what you're looking for as well as the rest of us out here.

 

[lillostone]

let me see if I can make this perfectly clear to you.

I am not very good at expressing myself, etc. Never have been. I am also somewhat shy around people I dont' know and it takes me time to trust and open up to people.

So, don't even think that I won't. I am just getting to know people.

As for people that care. I have really seen very little indication that people care and want to be there for me so, you will have to forgive me if I don't really believe that people care and want to be there for me.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

First off, so that you know, I was not feeling sorry for myself, I was introducing myself and saying a little about what I have been through and going through, how I feel and what I have done to cope and feel like doing.

That was prolly the most calloused, uncaring and inconsiderate response that anyone has ever given a survivor ever.

I'm not trying to gang up on you here, as I'm also the survivor of abuse.. but LE has a point... you ended your first post with 'like anyone even cares'.

That's a negative attitude. When you need help, or understanding, I know that it seems a lot easier to give yourself no hope "like no one even cares", so that if no one DOES care, you have not set up your hopes to have them dashed, and so that if someone DOES care, you'll be surprised/pleased, etc.

Having said that,
have you sought counselling? If not, I SERIOUSLY recommend it.. your story sounds like the kind of thing people have nightmares about, and I don't see how it can have left you feeling happy/normal/confident, etc. (I say this as someone who's not lived such terror as you, but has also been abused.. I say it with care). Please find yourself some help. There are places that offer free counselling, and maybe search out a group in which you can share your stories.

Why wouldn't you fit in here? As mentioned, a lot of people on the boards have suffered abuse, and we are all here. A lot of us come here to seek help with their problems, a lot of us come here for fun, to flirt, etc.

Perhaps your point (I'm shooting in the dark, so please correct me if I'm wrong) is: you don't know if you fit in here because all your life, you've suffered sexual abuse, and maybe you're not comfortable enough with your own sexuality (as much of it has been forced on you) to understand yourself, or to feel like sexuality is a good thing?

Like I said, I could be very very wrong.

I am in no way trying to label or categorize you, merely hoping that by your response to this post, we can better understand you and your situation.

Be well.

 

[lillostone]

LE may have a point and that is kewl.

I will be 30 next month and dealing with this garbage that has happened to me is no fun no matter what.

The last counsellor I had told me that I am exactly like my mom. I nearly picked her up by the throat and threw her into the wall but; I didn't because I didn't want to have problems with the law.

I suppose that I should say that I live in Ontario Canada. Which is not my favorite place to live. My parents are still alive and that don't help matters either.

As for my sexuality, I have never been sure of that. I was forced into prostitution and gay relationships so, I am never sure about anything.

I get scared easy and I shut down fast so, talking here is not easy but; here I am responding to posts despite how scared I am and how weird I feel and how far I have shut down already.

I really have no friends where I live, none in fact so me talking to them would be impossible as all my friends are online.

Anyways, I do apologize for my negativity and I in no way think that you are ganging up on me, etc.

What I posted originally is just a brief description of my abuse.

 

[Jaded1]

Not sure if I even fit in here. I am a survivor of severe abuse of all kinds for the first 25 years of my life due to my parents and two other relatives. I also survived 3 date rapes after that. Not even sure if I should be ehre at all. I just want to cut, burn, hit something or od to make it stop. Like anyone really cares or anything.

Well, lillostone.

It appears that many of us here at literotica feel you should be here. We do try to be here for one another. If you feel like you'd like to talk with us I am sure we'd be only to happy to be a friend.

I personally would like to welcome you to literotica. I hope you enjoy the many great people that are here.

You can always PM me if you have any questions....

Jaded1, CT

 

[lillostone]

thank you.

I am going to do my best to let you all be here for me. I appreciate the welcome.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

The last counsellor I had told me that I am exactly like my mom. I nearly picked her up by the throat and threw her into the wall but; I didn't because I didn't want to have problems with the law.

Been there, done that. I've had a few counsellors that were just shit at what they did. And y'know.. it's really hard to open up to someone when other people have shut you down like that counsellor did. But it is SO to your benefit to search out a counsellor that is GOOD for you, and to have some serious talk/work with him/her. Not all of them are bad... it took me a few years to figure that out...

Be well.

 

[lillostone]

I agree with you there. I should be looking for one but the last one kinda scared me away from counselling completely.

Thanks

 

[Noor]

I went to a pretty cool therapy program after my second car accident, which broke my neck, it was a massage and psychotherapy program, a mind/body healing program that helped you work on issues and get you comfortable with your body again. Most of the other patients had been badly abused, I had had repeat traumatic injuries.

I have also been abused but never sexually. I do know what it is like to shut your body down, to lose touch with it, to think if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, I'd rather die. I have also experienced therapists who should be thrown out the nearest window. Therapists should be looked on like trying on jeans, if they don't fit try another pair, try and find one that fits you like a glove that inspires you after every session. Find one who deals with your type of problems, incest, sexual abuse, whatever and if anyone ever gives you any crap about "women's issues" run away as fast as you can.

There are good people out there and many here at lit. You just have to suspend your quite reasonable disbelief and let people in. No one can help you if you don't let them.

Noor

 

[Guest]

Damaged As They Come

I've spent most of my adult life trying to deal with the damage done by abuse to me as a child, I know for certain I'll never be like anyone else who has never experienced the same but you know what ? I've found the best friends I've had in my life are people who've survived a simillar upbringing and as to ever fitting in with the 'norms' with Brady Bunch childhoods.....Fuck'em because they'll never get it and it just is a waste of your efforts trying to live in their prepackaged little world.....Only the strong survive and if you've gotten this far without being the lead-in story on the local evening news you must be doing something right regardless as to how unsane the rest of the world sees you.....You're not alone.....