Not Sure Where To Go From Here...Depression Setting I Fear...

[fire_breeze]

He does have a hard time communicating his feelings due to culture and just not knowing how to say it clearly. We've made some good progress on that recently which is great. But still a long way to go. I told him we can forget about kids if he's not 100% sure, and it's fine if we never have a kid too. I married him because I love him, not for any potential kids come of it. Though a family would be nice, he's more important to me than anything else.

Now. Now you're okay with not having children or raising a family, but what about a few years down the road? Would you grow to resent him? Resent yourself?

Would you have married him if you knew, right off the bat, that he didn't want children? I somehow, from all that you have written, doubt that you would. I know that you love him with all your heart, but that does not mean that you are on the same path of living your lives together.

You have sacrificed a lot. Is it, in all honesty, worth it? What about in a few years when you are both set in your ways and he will withdraw even further? When all physical contact is cut? What has he done to make you happy? Intellectual pursuits and mutual hobbies are very important, but is it enough? How is it different than sharing the same passions with a friend? You describe him as being a roommate. What makes him a husband/life partner as opposed to a close friend? You fear that depression is setting in. If you fall deep, what then? I have absolutely no doubt that you love each other, but is the same kind of love that you have for each other?

Like Ed, I do not ask these questions lightly, and my intent was to make you think as opposed to be harsh or argumentative. I am not suggesting that you leave him. I am not suggesting that you stay with him. I am not even suggesting that you answer any questions on the board, as the majority of questions were answered in positive light to him, defending him and downplaying your true emotions (much can be sifted out from what you write ). I am suggesting that you think long and hard what you want in the relationship and whether or not you can truly live in it without dying a little each and every day.

 

[Que]

Honestly, everything is awesome aside from our mismatched libidos. I like sex, a lot. He doesn't. That's just how it is and neither of us is going to change. Actually, I told him I refuse to allow my sexuality to be held hostage by his lack of interest. That I'm going to tend to my own needs and he has no right to be offended if he's not going to do anything about it. I've felt much better after that. Aside from that, we're a perfect match. Have similar hobbies/interests, love to spend time together, appreciate the same humor and intellectual pursuits.

Sounds like a good roommate.

Probably make a great friend as an ex-husband.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Now. Now you're okay with not having children or raising a family, but what about a few years down the road? Would you grow to resent him? Resent yourself?

Would you have married him if you knew, right off the bat, that he didn't want children? I somehow, from all that you have written, doubt that you would. I know that you love him with all your heart, but that does not mean that you are on the same path of living your lives together.

You have sacrificed a lot. Is it, in all honesty, worth it? What about in a few years when you are both set in your ways and he will withdraw even further? When all physical contact is cut? What has he done to make you happy? Intellectual pursuits and mutual hobbies are very important, but is it enough? How is it different than sharing the same passions with a friend? You describe him as being a roommate. What makes him a husband/life partner as opposed to a close friend? You fear that depression is setting in. If you fall deep, what then? I have absolutely no doubt that you love each other, but is the same kind of love that you have for each other?

Like Ed, I do not ask these questions lightly, and my intent was to make you think as opposed to be harsh or argumentative. I am not suggesting that you leave him. I am not suggesting that you stay with him. I am not even suggesting that you answer any questions on the board, as the majority of questions were answered in positive light to him, defending him and downplaying your true emotions (much can be sifted out from what you write ). I am suggesting that you think long and hard what you want in the relationship and whether or not you can truly live in it without dying a little each and every day.

Youre a liar. Do-gooders trying to drive a wedge between people sometimes has fatal consequences.

 

[subwannabe]

Maybe I missed it but I don't think I read what his response was to you saying that you are going to take care of your own (sexual) needs and I'm not sure what that entails but I hope at least he does anyway and is ok with it. Maybe I remembered wrong but in your earlier posts I got the feeling that having a loving sexual relationship with children was important to you and that you were upset that he seemed to mislead you on all of this. I agree that you may be willing to accept this relationship as is for the time being but this is going to keep on festering until it finally reaches a boiling point on down the road. It's going to get harder and harder to accept this as the years go by and it will more than likely even get worse.

 

[PattiJolene]

I've told him before that I refuse to coddle a lazy lover. If he isn't willing to put in just as much effort as I do then I'd rather he not bother since it's just insulting to me to be treated like an obligation. So I've decided to just take care of me and make sure my needs are met in my own way.

You are number one. Remember that! Good luck...
So many good responses, l've enjoyed reading them. Thank you..

 

[MIKEYLICKEY]

Don't give up!

I had a similar problem as your hubby, about 33 years ago. As newlyweds, we had sex about 3x per week, in every room available. When we decided to get pregnant, all the pressure kinda took the fun out of it. There were specific times and days when I HAD to do it, and sometimes I just couldn't.

After a stay at the Sybaris, we found that porn/adult videos got me going just fine. They even inspired my wife to give head, which she was previously not a fan of. We bought one of the first VCRs($1200!) and rented videos almost weekly to watch.

Within a year, she was preggers, and we went on to raise 3 great kids, two years apart.

The kids have grown and moved away, and my wife and I both have serious health problems. Sex is a fond memory, but I still enjoy videos and erotic prose.

I even wrote a story (Sex Rehab).

Please be patient with your husband, talk to each other, and try to enjoy sex while you are able.

Mikey

 

[littlecordelera]

I had a similar problem as your hubby, about 33 years ago. As newlyweds, we had sex about 3x per week, in every room available. When we decided to get pregnant, all the pressure kinda took the fun out of it. There were specific times and days when I HAD to do it, and sometimes I just couldn't.

After a stay at the Sybaris, we found that porn/adult videos got me going just fine. They even inspired my wife to give head, which she was previously not a fan of. We bought one of the first VCRs($1200!) and rented videos almost weekly to watch.

Within a year, she was preggers, and we went on to raise 3 great kids, two years apart.

The kids have grown and moved away, and my wife and I both have serious health problems. Sex is a fond memory, but I still enjoy videos and erotic prose.

I even wrote a story (Sex Rehab).

Please be patient with your husband, talk to each other, and try to enjoy sex while you are able.

Mikey

What a nice story!

 

[littlecordelera]

Hi there! Just have to say your avatar is so pretty!

Thank you. My husband found it. He said, "She's got your personality and your ass." It kind of warmed my heart, the way he said it.

tenchikoi, is your husband your best friend? If he is, then that is all that matters. All the common interests and hobbies don't mean shit. You need a guy who will be there when no one else will stand next to you. That's all that matters and it is very hard to find. Everything else can be gotten elsewhere.

 

[tenchikoi]

Thank you. My husband found it. He said, "She's got your personality and your ass." It kind of warmed my heart, the way he said it.

tenchikoi, is your husband your best friend? If he is, then that is all that matters. All the common interests and hobbies don't mean shit. You need a guy who will be there when no one else will stand next to you. That's all that matters and it is very hard to find. Everything else can be gotten elsewhere.

It's very true. He's 100% my best friend and always there when I need him. That's relationship gold right there. I'm not really stressing over the sex issue anymore since it's not the end of the world. I certainly wont 'just die' if I don't get sex. I'd much rather just grow old with him.

 

[Harold_Hill]

There is always some dishonesty in a marriage, white lies the avoid hurting each other's feelings; however, to mislead one's spouse into believing there will be children in the future, when there was never any real intent to follow through, is a serious concern. If you had known before you were married, that your husband would not want children in the future, you may have made a different decision. Perhaps you would have looked for another man who would be more family oriented after you were married. Surely before you and he were married, your husband knew that raising a family would be a challenge. But worse than waffling on whether or not he wants children, the fact that he sees sex with you as a chore is an even more troubling issue. Perhaps using the word "chore" in relation to sex is just a poor choice of words on your part, but describing sex as a chore does not automatically indicate that he has a low libido, rather it would imply that he sees sex with you personally as a chore. You haven't indicated how long you and he have been married, or how long you knew him before you were married, but if I were you, I would take a very hard look at he who he is as a person. The man you married may not be the man you think he is, particularly if "Hippie Town" is Austin. Some towns that appear to be very liberal on the surface, can be extremely conservative in the core, and being married to a woman can be a way for a man to hide his true self/identity from family, friends and employers.

 

[SlutAddicted]

sexual desire

Your original post indicated that he just didn't have any sexual desire. It seemed to be implied that he lacked desire altogether but that was not clear to me. Did he ever have a stronger sex drive? And if so when and how did it start to wane? This seems kind of important. If that drive has always been absent his lack of interest is part of who he is and it seems doubtful it would change at this point. But if he did have that drive at one point maybe there are other factors that can be addressed if he is committed. Certainly age and lack of physical fitness can be an issue. To much unrealistic porn can be a big issue. And obviously relationships can get stale.

To the extent that you are making significant efforts to entice him, I respectfully ask are you making those efforts based upon what he actually likes (assuming he has made this known to you). I would never suggest you cater to what he sees in the porn he looks at but it is an indicator of what he likes. I know men who have basically ruined their sex lives by wanting every woman and encounter to be a ridiculous porn scenario. But I also know some who just acquire a taste for slutty outfits that are perhaps a bit much in the eyes of their wives but are basically harmless in the privacy of their bedroom. And still others that think their desires go beyond what their wife would find appealing and are dissuaded by the likelihood that she will not be an enthusiastic participant.

As for having children. That is a biggie. I agree with those that have a hard time with anyone who entered the marriage on a false pretense. However, I must say that when I got married I said yes I want to have kids but I didn't think about it much. It was just always something I assumed would happen and I would be ready when the time came. There is a difference between having been intentionally misleading and just not really knowing yourself.

It sounds like you are quite thoughtful and have likely covered all this, but I didn't see it in the other comments so I thought I would raise a few items.

I must say I find it hard to reconcile your willingness to accept the no kids, no sex and get a dog scenario with what seems like his unwillingness to do anything. Sex is part of marriage. Compromise is part of marriage. All the better if both parties are enthusiastic about all decisions but sometimes you have to focus on taking care of your spouse. To be crass about it - man up, shut off the computer and go fuck your wife. Or someone else will.

 

[Bent]

My husband and I had a serious talk last night about sex and family planning. We didn't fight or yell. Yet I feel like it would have been kinder if he'd just shot me in the head. When we got married, he said he wanted a family some day. Yet he has never had a good libido at all. The doctor wanted us to have sex every other day and wanted us to take it seriously if we truly wanted a family. So I've been attempting to do that. But last night he didn't seem interested so I asked him what's on his mind and to please be honest. He tells me he just doesn't care about sex and gets no enjoyment out of it. Also, that he's unsure if he wants kids because it's a huge life changer. Well no shit Sherlock. It made me very angry. I felt like he's been lying to me and wasting my time/energy working towards a goal he was never interested in. What makes it worse...he views sex with me as a chore, like something he has to do to be a good husband. I didn't yell or cry since that would just make him defensive and he'd blame me somehow. I just wish my husband wanted to make love with me because he loves me and enjoys being with me that way. But he doesn't. I feel as if I've been tricked or lied to. I feel like a widow or someone just living with a room mate. He really hurt me last night and I'm beginning to feel as if I never want him to touch me again because I know it's something he doesn't enjoy. I seriously consider this a breach of our wedding vows if he can't hold up his end of the deal. I don't know what to do. I need/want sex to feel like a whole and healthy human being. Maybe I should just get a dog. At least I'll have someone who will love/accept me unconditionally.

Don't get a dog. Get a life. I don't mean that in disrespect, I mean that sincerely. Do the things you want to do with YOUR life until you know what you're REALLY going to do. If you fulfill yourself in other things you've wanted to do or try, you will feel better and stronger and well enough to make a decision that would better YOUR life. I know, I should say YOUR as in both of your life, but I can't because if what you say is true, he stopped thinking about you as an US, so in reality, right now, for the moment, you do need to think about you and what makes YOUR life better.

Men get that way, I've known plenty, but you need to decide at some point, if you're going to ride out this wave with him or are you going to move on to someone and something else. At this point, the person you need to 'leave' him for, is yourself. If he's abusive, get out immediately.

 

[DaddyWants2015]

Understanding

I understand your situation completely, and I think you have done an excellent job of trying to keep yourself focused. That being said, you should be aware, your inner passions will quiet, and can be restrained, but eventually they return, stronger than before. Friendship is certainly important, trust, and wanting to have someone you can grow old with. But being sexual beings, that is a much larger factor than some people give credit to. As you know hormones play a large factor in this as well, not to mention your biological clock. No I am not saying to throw away what you have worked for. But as you say he is reluctant to discuss this, and does not follow doctors advice, there is a problem. Then there is love. If he truly loves you, all of you, he would want to see you happy, knowing what you want, and that none of that would be making HIM change, he should be happy to do it. There is no room for ego in love.

 

[LallyH]

A good friend of mine met a lovely guy ten years ago. She was an independent woman with a career and her own house, but after a while, it seemed easier to sell and move in with him.

They had similar interests and hobbies, they both had lively personalities, were good company and on the face of it seemed very happy together. They didn't have children together but spent a lot of time being hands-on auntie and uncle to her nephews. She is a very maternal woman, though, and it surprised me that no kids had appeared.

Two months ago, he told her that he wanted to end the relationship and that she should move out. No need to describe the hurt and shock of this, particularly when, two weeks after, his new younger woman appeared on his facebook profile.

These things happen - seemingly solid relationships falter.

But she is now 45. No chance now for her to have a family of her own. Apparently he hadn't wanted children and so she put her own needs to one side because she believed that she was in a stable fulfilling relationship that would continue forever.

Unfortunately, women have a limited time when children are possible. Men don't.

 

[Felix_Jones]

My husband and I had a serious talk last night about sex and family planning. We didn't fight or yell. Yet I feel like it would have been kinder if he'd just shot me in the head. When we got married, he said he wanted a family some day. Yet he has never had a good libido at all. The doctor wanted us to have sex every other day and wanted us to take it seriously if we truly wanted a family. So I've been attempting to do that. But last night he didn't seem interested so I asked him what's on his mind and to please be honest. He tells me he just doesn't care about sex and gets no enjoyment out of it. Also, that he's unsure if he wants kids because it's a huge life changer. Well no shit Sherlock. It made me very angry. I felt like he's been lying to me and wasting my time/energy working towards a goal he was never interested in. What makes it worse...he views sex with me as a chore, like something he has to do to be a good husband. I didn't yell or cry since that would just make him defensive and he'd blame me somehow. I just wish my husband wanted to make love with me because he loves me and enjoys being with me that way. But he doesn't. I feel as if I've been tricked or lied to. I feel like a widow or someone just living with a room mate. He really hurt me last night and I'm beginning to feel as if I never want him to touch me again because I know it's something he doesn't enjoy. I seriously consider this a breach of our wedding vows if he can't hold up his end of the deal. I don't know what to do. I need/want sex to feel like a whole and healthy human being. Maybe I should just get a dog. At least I'll have someone who will love/accept me unconditionally.

People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort. Divorce is expensive because it's worth it.