Now this was really funny

[Gil_T2]

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old boy CAN start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue IS forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. sick.gif

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

*as the smoke clears*
cough, cough shit didn't see # 24 but really only 80% ?????

 

[graceanne]

150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number
of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service". Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and
women in their black outfits with jackets saying FATASS.

The FATASS's are now going to be supervised by a special section of
the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service
Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section, or the ASSHOLES.

I feel safer already.

 

[graceanne]

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kyle age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their
shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

9. I hate to go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink.
(Kevin age 6).

 

[Kailey_86]

*pout* i can't see it for some reason *pout pout pout*

 

[graceanne]

*pout* i can't see it for some reason *pout pout pout*

see what?

 

[Kailey_86]

see what?

Whatever the link shows at the very beginning of this thread. The rest of this stuff is hilarious though.

 

[myinnerslut]

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better' ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kyle age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their
shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

9. I hate to go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink.
(Kevin age 6).

lol!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Bandit58]

Were rich anyone want to party?

FROM BARRISTER JOHN AWELE
AWELE'S CHAMBER LOME TOGO
TEL/FAX:/00228 9397230
LOME TOGO WEST AFRICA.

Attention: XXX XXXXX,

I have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this matter.Let me start by introducing myself properly to you.I am BARRISTER JOHN AWELE the Attorney to your late uncle Engr.J.B XXXXX (Snr) a contractor with the Federal Government of lome-togo,until his death last two years ago in political crisis in Abidjan capital of Cote d'Ivoire,He Banked with Standard Trust Securities,lome-togo and had a closing balance as at the end of September, 2005 worth US$28,000,000.00(Twenty eight Million United States Dollars).

The financial firm now expects the Next of Kin to come forward as Beneficiary.Efforts has been made by the Standard Trust Securities of lome-togo to get in touch with any of the Deceased Family Relatives,but they have met with no success.

As the deceased being a foreigner,that was why I decided to contact you so that you can put claim on this fund as you bear the same last name with him.Now the management under the influence of the bank Chairman and Members of the Board of directors, that arrangement has been made for the fund to be declared Unclaimed In order to avert this negative development, it is my duty to contact you so that you can stand as the next of kin to his properties.All documents and proof to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out by me for this claim.I have secured from the probate an order of Mandamus to locate any of the deceased beneficiaries,and more so I am assuring you that this claim is 100% risk free.

Now it is left for you to deceide on what you will give me as my percentage for assisting you in this claim.I hope to hear from you soon or call me immediately you receive this mail on this phone number +228-9397230.

I want to let you know that this trasaction have to be done legitimately and confidential as i dont want any one to know that you are not the right applicant.Please reply to my private email address : aweleesq20@yahoo.co.nz
Call me as soon as you read this message.

Yours Sincerely,
BARRISTER JOHN AWELE ESQ

but the "BARRISTER" might be a worry.

 

[kayte]

This thread has me in stitches! I really must remember to stop in more often. Thank you everyone.

 

[graceanne]

oldies but goodies

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."


THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
Mythree-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
bent over,
spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[m wisdom]

Economic Models Explained Using Cows:

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
the other, then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on
the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred
via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with
an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United
States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL: You have two cows. You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a
riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they
are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where
they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You
count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and
open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now
you are part of a Democracy.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

[trisquel_astur]

A little boy enters running in the bedroom of their parents and catch them doing a 69.

He stand looking at them and moving the head and tells:

- And you pair of fools are sending me to a psychiatry for byte my nails.

 

[graceanne]

Things To Do When You're Bored In Walmart Or Target

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

 

[graceanne]

I was re-reading some of the jokes and this one definately deserves a *bump*

Folks, how many times have you been in the throes of romantic stickiness and suddenly gotten the unbelievably great idea to stick something unusual up your lover's hoo-ha?

Well, we've all been there. It's certainly understandable. There's the naughtiness of it, the playfulness as you both conspire to see what'll fit, the thrill of the forbidden. And some things around the house just beg to be turned into impromptu sexual aids - candles, wooden spoons, broom handles, garden hoses, Marge Simpson figures - so as long as you wash everything before and afterwards (and possibly during), everything's cool. But there are many items that should never be introduced into your lover's body, no matter how much of a good idea it seems at the time and no matter what you've been drinking. Just to head off potential injury, here's a partial list to use as a guide. You may wish to print this out and post it prominently in your bedroom.

Things Not To Insert Into Your Lover's Hoo-Ha

An avocado. They go in easy, sure, but getting them out is a lot more involved. Also pineapples. Oh, and porcupines.

A small, expanding umbrella.

Highway flares.

Lit highway flares.

A rolled-up copy of Action Comics #1. It depreciates the comic too much, and you lose the crispness of the binding.

A G.I. Joe figure, unless you've made absolutely sure his helmet is securely fastened in place, and his kung-fu grip hand is by his side.

Anything that involves liquid nitrogen.

Anything you might need to get back in a hurry, like your car keys, your asthma inhaler, or your DVD remote.

Peloponesian stinging nettles.

Tobasco sauce, unless it's capped really, really well.

D batteries. It seems like a good idea to cut out the middleman and apply them directly, but avoid it at all costs. After a few months the acid starts leaking out.

Jello, because there's no point.

Spools of thread. They always get stuck and you try to get them out and you can only grab the end of the thread and you pull and you pull and you get all this fucking thread but the spool stays in there and you feel like a magician producing scarves and she won't stop laughing at you, the bitch. Then you have to respool the thread.

An electric razor.

A caulking gun, because I can tell you, once it's in there the urge to squeeze that trigger is overpowering.

The collected works of Alexander Isayevich Solzhenitsyn.

Your entire foot, especially if you're wearing any sorts of sports shoe.

Fix-A-Flat.

A garden hose that has one of those spinning watering things on it.

Barbecue utensils.

An old-fashioned bellows, because then we're back to the irresistable temptation thing again.

Loose frozen peas.

Small furry animals. It's so passé.

Model rockets.

One of those Remington power hammers, the ones that use .22 loads to fire nails into concrete, because, well, damn.

Exacto knives.

Exacto blades.

A football.

Fluorescent light bulbs. Use some common sense, people. Wrap them in duct tape first.

Anything that oxidizes vigorously, like phosphorus.

Soft drink cans (it makes the coke all foamy).

Anything your dog is accustomed to fetching.

Evidence.

Nokia 6100-series cellphone. On vibrate.

Anything too slippery to get ahold of again, like a mushy banana dipped in motor oil.

Pocket change.

Anything that the person on the receiving end hasn't gotten a good look at beforehand. You might get away with it if it's something you bought at a nice sex shop, but impolite if you just picked it up at AutoZone.

Your car registration and proof of insurance.

Chain saw blades.

Anything that hooks up to a 220v power source.

Italian food. Not really dangerous per se but, in that situation, aesthetically unpleasing like you wouldn't believe.

Any painting or work of art that costs more than, say, two consecutive paychecks.

Expanding foam insulation.

Fleet week (I had an ex try this)

Anything that's recently been on fire

Anything that is currently on fire

Anything that will be on fire in the immediate future

Fire (just so you'll know, flammable and inflammable mean the same thing...boy did I learn that the hard way!)

A fire extinguisher

The Galveston County Police Department (I had an ex try this too)

Cornflakes and milk (you really have to be talented to use a spoon down there)

Sex toys made from silly putty, sure they feel good, but they just don't hold up.

Thermonuclear devices. (I think this goes back to the temptation issue)

Dave

Rubber dog poo (she will NOT think it is as funny as you do, I promise)

A Radio Shack antenna model number VU-190 XR (a VU-90 XR might be OK)

The television remote (invariably a Britany Spears video comes on right afterwards)

Your Sex Addicts Anonymous book

An alarm clock with an active alarm, because it's really fucking annoying when it goes off and you can't do anything about it and you start throwing yourself down on things trying to hit the snooze button and the other people in the jury won't stop staring at you.

And finally: The computer mouse, cause then you can't surf.

 

[graceanne]

Q & A On Men
Body: Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rollingaround in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practising to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three -one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

 

[Bandit58]

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR Three -one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Master Gil laughed about this - He just gets His subbie to do it!!

 

[graceanne]

"We had just finished listening to an old Simon & Garfunkel tune when my young daughter asked, "Well, did he?"

"Did he what?" I asked back.

"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" "

 

[greenmands]

That's bad, Gracie.

 

[graceanne]

That's bad, Gracie.

 

[graceanne]

This is just beautiful
The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"

Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in
case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,
like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing
away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys
inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle
Wife" comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along
to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy.

 

[graceanne]

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get
here?"

Her mother told her, "God sent you."

"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.

"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.

"He sent them also" the mother said.

"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.

"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.

" So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for
200 years? No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here."

 

[graceanne]

Murphy's 10 Lesser-known Laws
>
1.. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2.. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3.. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4.. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5.. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6.. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7.. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8.. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9.. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10.. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[graceanne]

Bumper Stickers for Women

1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.

2. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.

3. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.

4. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.

5. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,seeks Frog.

6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some Things Are Just Better Rich.

7. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen.

8. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.

9. Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off.

10. I'm Out Of Estrogen - And I Have A Gun.

11. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like... Who Cares?

12. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes

13. And Your Point Is?

14. Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.

15. Of Course I Don't Look Busy...i Did It Right The First Time.

16. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.

17. You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up.

18. All Stressed Out And No One To Choke.

19. I'm One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People.

20. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

 

[graceanne]

on't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

 

[Gil_T2]

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

So is this why Santa is always saying Ho, Ho, Ho?