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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

One for the ladies ...

Men are like road kill.

They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
 
Men are like power tools.

They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
 
One Tuesday evening, two confirmed bachelors were talking when the conversation eventually drifted from sports to politics, and then on to cooking.

The first guy said, "I got a cookbook once, but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy stuff in it, eh?" asked the other bachelor.

"You said it." the first guy replied. "Every one of those recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish . . .' "
 
Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a Ping-Pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

And, the number one thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina:

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
 
A young man's father gave him this advice before his wedding. "Son," he said, "You've got to make your new bride realize who's the boss in this marriage. She has to know who wears the pants in the family."

So the couple gets married, and the man decides to impress upon his new wife her role a couple of days into their honeymoon. He takes off his pants and says, "Honey, I want you to put my pants on."

His wife looks at him and says, "I can't wear your pants. They're too big for me."

He says, "Exactly. Only I can wear the pants in this relationship."

The woman slips out of her pants, offers them to him and says, "Here. Put mine on."

"You're such a little thing, you know I can't get into your pants."

She replies, "And unless you change your attitude, you never will." :D
 
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".


What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum

:D
 
Q. Why do men have a hole in their penises?

A. So that they can let oxygen get to their brain.


:D
 
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

:p
 
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

A. When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there ... :D
 
Q: What can Life Savers do that man can't?

A: Come in five flavors.
 
Q: How is a penis like fishing?

A: The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the larger ones you mount.
 
lovemonster said:
Q: What can Life Savers do that man can't?

A: Come in five flavors.
Click to expand...


lovemonster said:
Q: How is a penis like fishing?

A: The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the larger ones you mount.
Click to expand...


Thank you lovemonster. Those two explain everything! :D
 
A little rhyme:

The grossest thing for me to see
is my bathroom floor all full of pee.
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Don't they see-there is a hole?

Out in the woods, they think it's cute
to see how far a guy can "shoot."
But in the house, it's plain to see
there is a bowl in which you pee!

(It's usually white and kinda round
you hit the water, not the ground.)
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Is it a problem with control?

If not control, then tell me why
they make my bathroom such a sty?
Come on guys, get a clue!
You know what you have to do.

Be a human-not a pig and
don't forget to lift the lid.
When you're done, make it flush
don't always be in such a rush.

Then take the lid and push it down
(don't make us women feel like clowns)
Falling in, it is not fun -
getting water on your buns.

Zip up your pants, and you're all done
now wasn't that a lot of fun?
Keep this little poem in mind
Your woman will find you very kind.
 
Why Dogs Are Better Than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch. (And, then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.
 
Insider's Guide to Common Male Vocabulary

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass.

I'm a Romantic. = I'm poor.

I need you. = My hand is tired.

I am different from all the other guys. = I am not circumcised.

I want a commitment. = I'm sick of masturbation.

You're the only girl I've ever cared about. = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.

I really want to get to know you better. = So I can tell my friends about it.

It's just orange juice, try it. = Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.

She's kinda cute. = I want to have sex with her till I am blue.

I don't know if I like her. = She won't sleep with me.

I miss you so much. = I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood.

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?

I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?

Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you "really" love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.

How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now.

I have something to tell you. = Get tested.

I'll give you a call. = I would rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly.

I've learned a lot from you. = Next!
 
Q: What do you say to a man with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, he's already been told twice.

:D
 
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and
we're sticking to it.
 
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm
going to jump off this building."

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
 
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness,

MENstrual cramps,

MENtal breakdown,

MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
And When we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy!!!!

Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!!
 
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