One for the ladies ...

[lovemonster]

How are men like UFOs?

You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.

 

[lovemonster]

Book of Genesis

Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's ribs.

Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries;last week, at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea, archaeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date Moses' writings by 1,300 years.

Translated, their account of life's beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible ...

"... and God created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her young. And God spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I do not need but two breasts."

And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom."

There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.

"Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.

And so it was that God created Man

 

[WantonWitch]

Why is it better to keep a pig than marry a man ?

It's legal to kill pigs and they taste great when you eat them

 

[lovemonster]

Eve and Adam

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy".

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well, you can have him on one condition," said God. "What's that, Lord?"

"Because of his tender ego, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

 

[lovemonster]

I will survive

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed...

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your f*cking ugly face..!

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
Only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like that Richard Gere!

I can't believe, that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes or be simply bound and gagged.
I'm fucking off right now, I'm jumping on the flippin' train
And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed your greeblies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he's got a lovely flat
But no, I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, you twat.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going to have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun!

 

[WantonWitch]

Another one to sing along to I will survive

Girls sing along to the tune of >>>>I will survive !


First I was afraid, I was petrified
When you said you had ten inches oh boy I almost died
but I'd spent so many years waiting for a man that long

That I grew strong and knew that I could take you on

But there you are
another lie
I was ready for a Big Mac and you broughtr me a French Fry, I should
have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream
Should
have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans

Go on now go
walk out the door
Don't you promise me ten inches then turn up with only four, weren't you
a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out. Don't you know we're only
joking when we say size doesn't count

(Chorus)

I will survive, I will survive
'Cos as long as I have batteries
My sex life is gonna thrive
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex
I will survive, I will survive hey hey

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs
Now
I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed

Go on now go
Just make a dash
Last time I saw a prick that small was watching Gladstone run
nude hash
I should have asked for confirmation
I should have asked for referees
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me

Go on now go
Just hit the track
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers
'Cos I'll always chuck them back
The only thing I could do with a prick as small as yours
is to stick it with a toothpick, dip it into tomato sauce

(Chorus)

Go on now go
Get out of my sight
I'm going back to my appliance
'Cos I know it's length is right
And if I ever see
your tiny tockley at my door
you'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor

Go on now go !

 

[higherlevel4u]

LOL .... nice one, Witchie ....


Q. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?


A. To knock the penises off the stupid ones.

 

[Diamond_Girl]

LOL .... nice one, Witchie ....


Q. Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?


A. To knock the penises off the stupid ones.

Um, Doesn't this run contrary to the point of this thread?

 

[higherlevel4u]

Um, Doesn't this run contrary to the point of this thread?

How's that, then?

 

[Diamond_Girl]

How's that, then?

If the stupid ones don't have penises...

 

[higherlevel4u]

If the stupid ones don't have penises...

No, you're missing the point .... they smack their butts to knock the penises OFF the stupid ones (ie males) and then they become female (ie intelligent) ....

 

[Diamond_Girl]

No, you're missing the point .... they smack their butts to knock the penises OFF the stupid ones (ie males) and then they become female (ie intelligent) ....

Misread. That's what I get for trying to comprehend jokes before java.

She who is a natural brunette - I swear it!

 

[higherlevel4u]

Misread. That's what I get for trying to comprehend jokes before java.

She who is a natural brunette - I swear it!

No probs .... I know the feeling re the java withdrawal symptoms ....

 

[lovemonster]

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

We don't know... it has never happened

 

[lovemonster]

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?

Lifting his leg so you can vacuum

 

[sasebrats]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its normal size when stimulated?

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed."

 

[lovemonster]

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

His wife is good at picking out clothes.

 

[lovemonster]

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

 

[lovemonster]

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?

All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

 

[lovemonster]

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

 

[lovemonster]

Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I masturbate."

 

[lovemonster]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I guess that I have been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl, once. I guess she was the one perfect girl - the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." replied the gent.

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked his friend.

The gent replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."

 

[lovemonster]

In 1991, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After three weeks and a cost of around $75.47, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

 

[lovemonster]

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hair style. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. Presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

 

[lovemonster]

Men are like cement.

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.