Open Marriage: How to Make it Work?

[brett420_69]

My wife recently came back from a trip with a bunch of her old girlfriends and said that she was interested in "opening" up our marriage for the next couple of years. I am curious to hear from others in this forum what problems/opportunities you encountered...and what rules worked or didn't in such an arrangement.

A little bit about us:

We are young. She is 25, I am 27. We've been married for 5 years and together for 10. Do the math....we've been together the vast majority of our sexually or romantically active lives.

We have both expressed the desire to explore, as our experiences are limited to each other.

She is hot. I am average looking (could be hot if I got rid of this beer gut).

We are very much in love with each other. We truely are each others best friend....but our sexual repertoire is somewhat limited to experiences with each other...and sexually we are both a bit bored and curious for something more. We both trust each other greatly, though recognize that this arrangement with show us exactly how strong that trust is.

Thanks all...

 

[Missingmeds]

Welcome to the how to board brett. Give most of the people here time to see this and they will respond to you. I know several that have open marriages or that are polyamores and they have sound, stable marriages that work well for them.

I am sure that you will get some really insightful and helpful information if you give people time to answer you.

 

[brett420_69]

Thank you

 

[overthebow]

There is a lot of information on the web about the subject of open relationships and polyamory. For books, here is a partial reading list.

"Open Marriage", Nena O'Neill, George O'Neill
"The Ethical Slut", can't remember authors
"The Erotic Mind", Jack Morin - this is about what turns us on

I don't know what kind of marriage you have. I think it is important to figure that out before changing it. Try "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. Also, I thought that www.marriagebuilders.com had a lot of good stuff about marriage.

It would be good to find some people who have been in open relationships for a long time so they could tell you about the problems they had and how they faced them. I don't know how to find them. Maybe they will surface here. I went so some poly group meetings and the people didn't look like happy people. My observation of ten meetings.

There is a lot of info on the web about open marriages that failed. Here is something from Salon Magazine (hardly a bastion of conservatism)
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1999/11/29/solutions1/

 

[SweetErika]

I only have experience with opening our marriage to my same-sex encounters. Honesty, setting boundaries, and constant communication has worked well for us so far.
It might help to define what both you and your wife consider an "open marriage" to be...will you both just have sex with others? Would you date/ have relationships with others? Bring another person or couple into your relationship? etc.

 

[Roy Kay]

We have been in an open marriage for 33+ years. I would say it works very well. It IS important to know your weaknesses, though. Mine tend to be the idea that I can "save" anyone who "needs" me. Good idea to know yours.

A sight dedicated to Poly's is www.polymatchmaker.com. In addition to being a metting site they have a very good bulletin board in which poly's discuss things.

 

[overthebow]

We have been in an open marriage for 33+ years.

Did you have an open relationship before getting married?

Did you make a formal list of rules as described in "The Ethical Slut"?

Are both of you advocates of open marriage? Always that way?

How open are you? Swinging? Long term relationships outside of marriage?

 

[Missingmeds]

overthebow, he is offline now. But I am sure that he would answer all your questions if you give him time. Roy is that way. He would also direct you to the same place that he gave the link to.

 

[overthebow]

overthebow, he is offline now. But I am sure that he would answer all your questions if you give him time. Roy is that way. He would also direct you to the same place that he gave the link to.

I would like to learn more about this. I've read some books about it and it all sounds so great, but it seems to be much more difficult in practice.

 

[Missingmeds]

I would like to learn more about this. I've read some books about it and it all sounds so great, but it seems to be much more difficult in practice.

Then I would suggest using the link that Roy provided and read away. Most of them will answer any questions that you have. I find the message board people to be extremely helpful when I have an honest, intelligent question there.

 

[Roy Kay]

>Did you have an open relationship before getting married?

Yes

Did you make a formal list of rules as described in "The Ethical Slut"?

Not really. Implicit trust and the sense to advise and consult as seemed right at the time.


Are both of you advocates of open marriage? Always that way?

Me more than her. Been a long time since she was interested in anyone else. No idea why. I'm great, but no one is so great a light than all other lights are dim.

>How open are you? Swinging? Long term relationships outside of marriage?

Totally open, with the deep understanding that neither would be expected to leave the other.

Not swingers. A bit too much like trading and the hint of ownership that goes with it.

Relationships have generally been long term, not that some haven't been pure opportunitic 1-nighters with and email friend who happened to be in town.

 

[cricketbug]

wow...

I'm impressed and like the advice. Ironically, the other 1/2 and I had the "Open Marriage" discussion throughout the past week.

 

[SIC]

Well i could never do this if anyone were to touch my girlfriend/wife they wouldnt walk away!!! I just couldnt handle the fact of owning some was with my girl that i love and i couldnt sleep with someone else because i think its wrong in my head.

I could see alot of prpblems coming out of things like this. Like maybe she has guys lined up out the door to do her and you dont or the other way around. Also i think there will be kinda liring going around because are you going to tell her everything you did with the girl?? i think it would just be weird and hard and just make everything fall apart.

Just my 2 cents

 

[Xt4cY]

When you love someone i don't see why you would really want anyone else. Experience and new things are highly overrated, because it's never the same with different people. For that i'd recommend read stories and how-tos and just try different things even if they wouldn't work out then try something else. I'd flip if anyone even touched my girl more less messed around.

Even if i agreed to it with my SO one of my rules would be no kissing or anything sensual.

 

[peachykeen]

It's not for me, I guarantee you it's not my husband's cup of tea, but I say if the two of you go into it informed and with your eyes wide open, it could work. Good luck to you.

 

[overthebow]

Re: wow...

I'm impressed and like the advice. Ironically, the other 1/2 and I had the "Open Marriage" discussion throughout the past week.

Is this something that both of you want or is one person wanting it more?

 

[cricketbug]

overthebow --

Right now, who knows, it's really hard to say. Like I said, we've talked about it and it's just the scenario we've been playing out. You know: "what would it be like if..." Don't know if it will go anywhere or not. It was just the conversations, and I like the advice given here.

 

[lovechild27]

Just like marriage isnt for everyone, neither is open marriage.

I know I couldnt do this. I would do whatever I had to in order to keep things interesting.

Sex is one of the only things I have with my guy that I dont share with anyone else. Why would I want to give it up? Everything we have for some friction with a stranger...no thanks.

But if it works for you...then I guess go for it.

 

[MercyMia]

There is a lot of information on the web about the subject of open relationships and polyamory. For books, here is a partial reading list.

"Open Marriage", Nena O'Neill, George O'Neill
"The Ethical Slut", can't remember authors
"The Erotic Mind", Jack Morin - this is about what turns us on

I don't know what kind of marriage you have. I think it is important to figure that out before changing it. Try "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. Also, I thought that www.marriagebuilders.com had a lot of good stuff about marriage.

It would be good to find some people who have been in open relationships for a long time so they could tell you about the problems they had and how they faced them. I don't know how to find them. Maybe they will surface here. I went so some poly group meetings and the people didn't look like happy people. My observation of ten meetings.

There is a lot of info on the web about open marriages that failed. Here is something from Salon Magazine (hardly a bastion of conservatism)
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1999/11/29/solutions1/

Thanks for this list of resources.

I'm going back to read the previous posts but wanted to tell brett my own ideas first so pardon me if I repeat what other people have already said.

I haven't had experience with open marriages but in your initial statement, Brett, you didn't mention if you had children. Perhaps not because if you did, I'm sure they would be so important you would consider them, too.

So kids first. I mean, I'd consider them first and evaluate whether an open marriage would in anyway endanger their wellbeing.

I also don't understand why your wife wants to open up the marriage for a limited time. Sort of like a blue light special at KMart. It seems to me that once you make a decision like that, it's pretty much for life. What if you are involved with someone when the coupon expires? Do you just dump her/him? Relationships aren't that easy to end.

I'm not conceptually opposed to open marriages. I don't know if I could work with that in my life the way it is, but if other people can manage to coordinate things so that no one is short changed or cheated and it all increases people's happiness and fullness of living, then I would say go for it, but not in a lustfilled crazed sort of way, but with sensitivity and compassion for all concerned.


Mia

 

[BBW Fan]

I couldn't have intercourse with anyone other than my wife, and I wouldn't want to have someone else have intercourse with her. There are a few other things that might be interesting.. such as exhibitionism, mutual masterbation, or oral.. that i might go for. But honestly, i'm not even sure about that. But the key is honsty. I once masterbated on cam for someone and did not tell her until a few days later. She was not mad that i did it, but that I had lied about it. So, whatever you decide to do.. be open and honest with each other.