Parting Gifts

[NoJo]

Hey, what am I doing in a BDSM forum? I'm into caca, but I know that doesn't qualify.

 

[Marquis]

Damn, I don't even let subs keep the gifts I buy for holidays and such over the course of the relationship. I have a strictly "what's mine is mine, what's yours we gotta share" attitude when it comes to this kind of shit.

But this sounds like a smooth move to me, and it was obviously well received, so I say stop playa hating!

 

[Marquis]

Did the outrage come from the fact that it was a gift that touched you in that certain submissive spot?


BTW i think your reaction and questioning was exactly the intent of the gift...but that is just my opinion.

The old outrage/flattery dichotomy.

"Aren't you a pretty little cockslut?"

 

[Blushing Bottom]

*pouting & batting eyelashes*

The old outrage/flattery dichotomy.

"Aren't you a pretty little cockslut?"

 

[caela]

BTW i think your reaction and questioning was exactly the intent of the gift...but that is just my opinion.

I think KC's right. It sounds like the type of gift designed to keep him on your mind. It's presumptious certainly but you said you weren't looking for romance from him so it's not entirely out of line for him to think he might get the chance to use it on you in the near future if all goes well.

Whether you should give it back or not I don't know. He did give it to you after a first date which means that while he thinks he might get to use it on you he also knows he might not. Personally I take that to mean he was willing to give to you knowing the risk and that it's yours but if you don't feel comfortable keeping it than give it back to him.

Just don't let the fact that he gave it to you make you feel pressured in any way.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

I think KC's right. It sounds like the type of gift designed to keep him on your mind. It's presumptious certainly but you said you weren't looking for romance from him so it's not entirely out of line for him to think he might get the chance to use it on you in the near future if all goes well.

Whether you should give it back or not I don't know. He did give it to you after a first date which means that while he thinks he might get to use it on you he also knows he might not. Personally I take that to mean he was willing to give to you knowing the risk and that it's yours but if you don't feel comfortable keeping it than give it back to him.

Just don't let the fact that he gave it to you make you feel pressured in any way.

Good points and good advice...thanks!

 

[alice_underneath]

Was his gift presumptious, perhaps but remember we met with a common goal to determine if we had enough chemistry to engage in a Dom/sub scenario. Knowing this ahead of time more than likely colored his choice of a gift. Oh and romance was never in the equasion.

Oops. I think I made an assumption that is incorrect.

The quote above indicates to me that you are seeking a BDSM play partner (but not a lover/boyfriend/SO who happens to be a dom). Is that right? If so, please excuse my earlier post on this thread, because it clearly does not apply.

Sorry for jumping to conclusions without asking first!

I still don't have enough data to make any determination and will even go a step further and ask ... if I should decide to not pursue the relationship should I give the gift back?

My mother used to say: "All gifts from men should be returned immediately, unless you welcome and accept the spirit and intent with which the gift is offered, and are willing to reciprocate accordingly."

Translation: If you do not choose him to be your play partner, then yes, you should give it back.

Alice

 

[Guest]

Any of you who have read my posts know how new I am to BDSM and know I dont have many answers but do have many questions.

Well anyway I went to dinner tonight with a Dom from my area...agreed upon meet and greet only. We had a good time, talked, laughed and flirted a lot. Then it was time to go and he asked me to walk him to his car as he wanted to give me something. We got to the car and he reached inside and pulled out a rather long package,handed it to me and said "don't open it until you get home."

Amazingly enough I listened and boy was I glad I had. For when I did get home and tear open the package out fell a riding crop and a card. The card was beautiful, depicting a bound nude well presented for whatever her Dom had in mind. On the inside a short note..."think of me."

I think I blushed down to my toes and still haven't regained full composure. Is this a normal behavior for a Dom?

I would say that it "might" be a tad precipitous....
But that it would depend on the quantity and nature of the communication that lead up to this meeting...
I would also say that if what he wanted to do, was stay in your thoughts....In a specific way... He seems to have succeeded .....
Hasn't he???
Should you not wish to pursue this any further, for whatever reason, it does provide you with a nice, way out... Simply pick up a pretty box (try the floral shop), include a nice (no reclining nude though), tasteful card... And return the crop..
*shrug*
On the whole, precipitous or not, I would say that it is certainly much better than the behaviour I have heard ascribed to some "Doms" on a first meeting..
Hmmmm...
Have you thought about the fact that it rather handily puts the ball (at least a large part of it) in your court as far as the nature of any continuation????

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Providing you don't feel 'obligated' and can pass up on that particular form of angst its a very cool gift. Lucky you BB !!

Though a gift I would more readily associate within the context of an longer term friendship hence the 'angst' comment.

I can certainly understand the dynamics would be very exhilerating , its all the stuff of fantasy in some ways. Perfect date, perfect gift (considering the genre of the date).

Wondering to myself now what Emily Post would decree about post first date BDSM gift giving . I soooooooooo want to write that letter !!!!!

Then it was time to go and he asked me to walk him to his car as he wanted to give me something. We got to the car and he reached inside....

Its the comment above that distracted me the most from the obvious charisma of this post. I am not going to assume you were in anyway cavalier with your own safety BB and had prior to the date felt you had covered all your bases safety wise and already knew his home/work numbers , address, real name etc and had organised a safecall because you obviously enjoyed the evening and I cannot imagine the lovely flow as you describe taking place otherwise. Him asking you "to walk him to his car as he wanted to give me something. We got to the car and he reached inside"......sent up a big red flag with me. May I ask did you have a friend there as a 'spotter' in the car park ?

 

[mlady_france]

Any of you who have read my posts know how new I am to BDSM and know I dont have many answers but do have many questions.

Well anyway I went to dinner tonight with a Dom from my area...agreed upon meet and greet only. We had a good time, talked, laughed and flirted a lot. Then it was time to go and he asked me to walk him to his car as he wanted to give me something. We got to the car and he reached inside and pulled out a rather long package,handed it to me and said "don't open it until you get home."

Amazingly enough I listened and boy was I glad I had. For when I did get home and tear open the package out fell a riding crop and a card. The card was beautiful, depicting a bound nude well presented for whatever her Dom had in mind. On the inside a short note..."think of me."

I think I blushed down to my toes and still haven't regained full composure. Is this a normal behavior for a Dom?

that is too cool! I'm very excited for you. That must have been awesome.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Hmmmm...
Have you thought about the fact that it rather handily puts the ball (at least a large part of it) in your court as far as the nature of any continuation????

Not only thought about it but was reminded today that I make the decission to meet again or not. He is persistant and has been all along and I reticent. Somtimes I feel that things move too quickly and fear making mistakes.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Its the comment above that distracted me the most from the obvious charisma of this post. I am not going to assume you were in anyway cavlier with your own safety BB and had prior to the date felt you had covered all your bases safety wise and already knew his home/work numbers , address, real name etc and had organised a safecall because you obviously enjoyed the evening and I cannot imagine the lovely flow as you describe taking place otherwise. Him asking you "to walk him to his car as he wanted to give me something. We got to the car and he reached inside"......sent up a big red flag with me. May I ask did you have a friend there as a 'spotter' in the car park ?

All was arrranged and researched before and during the meeting. I requested and was given his drivers licenses so that I could confirm. Safe call made with him sitting there and actually had him speak to my safety net who was 2 minutes away.

But no I hadn't had a spotter nor was there any need for one. I am rather fortunate in that I assess people's behavior for a living. I have been doing it for many years and do it well. Not only that but the majority of my clients are preditors so I easily recognize one most times. Had I any inkling that I was in harms way I would have known.

And again thank you for you thoughts and concerns.

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

All was arrranged and researched before and during the meeting. I requested and was given his drivers licenses so that I could confirm. Safe call made with him sitting there and actually had him speak to my safety net who was 2 minutes away.

But no I hadn't had a spotter nor was there any need for one. I am rather fortunate in that I assess people's behavior for a living. I have been doing it for many years and do it well. Not only that but the majority of my clients are preditors so I easily recognize one most times. Had I any inkling that I was in harms way I would have known.

And again thank you for you thoughts and concerns.

*BIG SMILES* You set a fine example for others then BB. As I said 'I am not going to assume you were in anyway cavalier with your own safety'. That last line

to walk him to his car as he wanted to give me something. We got to the car and he reached inside'

had however all the potential to something from a script in a Horror movie.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

You know rebecca I had thought that very thing when I wrote the post and perhaps should me more sensitive of others who read what I tap.

*BIG SMILES* You set a fine example for others then BB. As I said 'I am not going to assume you were in anyway cavlier with your own safety'. That last line
had however all the potential to something from a script in a Horror movie.

 

[DVS]

I said the reason he gave her the crop was so he would be on her mind. Even if he had given her flowers, it would have done the same thing, but in BDSM, flowers don't work as well as a crop.

Yes, it could be he was being a bit too bold with such a gift, but at $10, that's cheaper than some flowers and it lasts longer. And, it's not something I would do, but maybe he just thought the first meeting clicked.

It's not like he bought the crop just for this meeting. Was it gift wrapped? Maybe he purchased the crop for himself, and had it in the car. After the meeting with her clicked, he thought it was a nice gesture to offer her the crop as a gift. It could have been a very simple thought and not premeditated at all.

Sure, it could have been premeditated, and like I said, if so, it's not something I would probably do on the first meeting. Personally, subs give me presents.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Personally, subs give me presents.

Cookies?

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c55/blushing_bottom/WWWcookie.jpg

 

[DVS]

Cookies?

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c55/blushing_bottom/WWWcookie.jpg

In a matter of speaking, maybe.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Sure, it could have been premeditated, and like I said, if so, it's not something I would probably do on the first meeting. Personally, subs give me presents.

Apparently as I find today it was premediated and ment to send a message of intimidation.

But the man moves too fast. Already he speaks in terms of "owning" me and "exibiting" me as "his." After one meeting and no more physical contact than finger tip stroking. I'm not well versed in the nuances of how a BDSM relationship should progress but this recent development sent up red flags.

Comments?

 

[caela]

Apparently as I find today it was premediated and ment to send a message of intimidation.

But the man moves too fast. Already he speaks in terms of "owning" me and "exibiting" me as "his." After one meeting and no more physical contact than finger tip stroking. I'm not well versed in the nuances of how a BDSM relationship should progress but this recent development sent up red flags.

Comments?

"Owning" you? Maybe I read you wrong but it sounded to me like you were looking for a play partner not a commited relationship, in which case this would worry me. Even if you were looking for a commited relationship the fact that he is jumping so far ahead so fast would worry me but then again that could be projecting my own relationship issues (trusting people is hard for me) onto you.

He may just be feeling out the waters, seeing how far he can push, or he might have misunderstood what it is you're looking for. Of course there is always the option that he might actually be a creep but you said you didn't get that vibe from him.

It sounds like time to ask him what it is he's looking for and compare it to what you want. If you guys are in completely different places it might be better not to continue with him because someone would be likely to get hurt.

 

[Guest]

Apparently as I find today it was premediated and ment to send a message of intimidation.

But the man moves too fast. Already he speaks in terms of "owning" me and "exibiting" me as "his." After one meeting and no more physical contact than finger tip stroking. I'm not well versed in the nuances of how a BDSM relationship should progress but this recent development sent up red flags.

Comments?

Ahhhhh...The plot thickens....
Given this, I'd say you've got a pretty good case of DWB (DomWannaBe) syndrome..
To be honest, I might do something like that. (Presenting the crop as present that is.) But ONLY if it was a meeting that had been preceeded by long conversation (phone as well as internet preferably) and clear understanding of what we both are looking for...
Venturing an opinion on something like this is always a bit iffy... Not being privy to all that has gone before..
But given what you've said so far ...
Frankly, it sounds like the two of you aren't even close to being on the same page as far as expectations go. And that the fellow in question is making assumptions.
My advice would be to put the crop in a box with a relatively polite (but clear and firm) card, mail it back to him, and go back to looking...

 

[alice_underneath]

Apparently as I find today it was premediated and ment to send a message of intimidation.

But the man moves too fast. Already he speaks in terms of "owning" me and "exibiting" me as "his." After one meeting and no more physical contact than finger tip stroking. I'm not well versed in the nuances of how a BDSM relationship should progress but this recent development sent up red flags.

Comments?

No, I do not have any comments at the moment. I have a few questions.

Blushing Bottom, earlier on this thread you said you were seeking to "engage in a Dom/sub scenario", stating additionally that "romance was never in the equasion".

You are now asking about a "BDSM relationship".

Would you please clarify what you are seeking?

Are you seeking a BDSM play partner? Sort of the BDSM equivalent of a f*** buddy?

Or, are you seeking a lover/boyfriend/SO who is a dom?

I am asking these questions because you are seeking advice which is difficult to provide without knowing the answers hereto.

Alice

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Alice I see your point.

I seek experience right now. I do however consider all intamicies a relationship of sorts.

Would I like the long trem BDSM relationship with a Dom as a SO? I need to determine if that is something that would interest me. So in the meantime I seek experience with those who have it. Romance is not an option at this point but neither is engaging with a "f***buddy" as you put it. There needs be some kind of relationship.

Don't know if that hepls but like the song says...there it is.

No, I do not have any comments at the moment. I have a few questions.

Blushing Bottom, earlier on this thread you said you were seeking to "engage in a Dom/sub scenario", stating additionally that "romance was never in the equasion".

You are now asking about a "BDSM relationship".

Would you please clarify what you are seeking?

Are you seeking a BDSM play partner? Sort of the BDSM equivalent of a f*** buddy?

Or, are you seeking a lover/boyfriend/SO who is a dom?

I am asking these questions because you are seeking advice which is difficult to provide without knowing the answers hereto.

Alice

 

[alice_underneath]

Alice I see your point.

I seek experience right now. I do however consider all intamicies a relationship of sorts.

Would I like the long trem BDSM relationship with a Dom as a SO? I need to determine if that is something that would interest me. So in the meantime I seek experience with those who have it. Romance is not an option at this point but neither is engaging with a "f***buddy" as you put it. Thee needs be some kind of relationship.

Don't know if that hepls but like the song says...there it is.

Thank you for the response, Blushing Bottom.

I throw out, just as a possibility, the idea that the guy in question might be confused as to what you are seeking from him.

Friendship with physical contact and a BDSM twist? Something else?

I am not trying to belabor the point, but rather to say that unless you can articulate clearly what you are seeking, it is possible that he might be receiving mixed signals from you.

Alice

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

Damn, it started out sounding like a cool idea, just that right edge of self assuredness that didn't cross over to arrogance, and then he jumped into it with both feet.

Pity really.

 

[DVS]

"Owning" you? Maybe I read you wrong but it sounded to me like you were looking for a play partner not a commited relationship, in which case this would worry me. Even if you were looking for a commited relationship the fact that he is jumping so far ahead so fast would worry me but then again that could be projecting my own relationship issues (trusting people is hard for me) onto you.

I think the phrase "owning you" is his and his only. She's looking for fun and experience and he now seems to be either a newbie himself, and/or just somebody going too fast.

But, she is still in control of the situation, because she is aware of this, herself. She needs to find out what he's thinking, and either settle him down to her speed or tell him to hit the road.

Even if he's also a newbie (and it seems either he is or just a wannabee), they can both learn from each other. Of course, the trust would take longer to develop and there should be no bondage or any other overt control involved until she's sure he's able to control himself. Thinking up those red flag phrases like he's "owning" somebody he hasn't even made it past step one with is a possible problem.

Why do some men always think faster is better? She's told him she's a newbie so if he's smart, he will take it slower than with someone who's experienced some play. If he's going to ever aquire her trust, he needs to understand things from her side, and let her decide what will happen and when it will. Eventually, she would know when he can take more control. His need for speed is quickly killing his chances.