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As A Mom Passes Her Daughter's Closed Bedroom Door, She Heard A Strange Buzzing Noise Coming From Within. Opening The Door, She Observed Her Daughter Giving Herself A Real Workout With A Vibrator. Shocked, She Asked: "what In The World Are You Doing?"

The Daughter Replied: "mom, I'm Thirty-five Years Old, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband! Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."

The Next Day, The Girl's Father Heard The Same Buzz Coming From The Other Side Of The Closed Bedroom Door. Upon Entering The Room, He Observed His Daughter Making Passionate Love To Her Vibrator. To His Query As To What She Was Doing, The Daughter Said:

"dad I'm Thirty-five, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband. Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."

A Couple Days Later, Mom Came Home From A Shopping Trip, Placed The Groceries On The Kitchen Counter, And Heard That Buzzing Noise Coming From, Of All Places, The Living Room.

She Entered That Area And Observed Her Husband Sitting On The Couch, Downing A Cold Beer, And Staring At The Tv.

The Vibrator Was Next To Him On The Couch, Buzzing Like Crazy.

The Wife Asked: "what The Hell Are You Doing?"

The Husband Replied: "i'm Watching Football With My Son-in-law."
 
catsr2wild said:
As A Mom Passes Her Daughter's Closed Bedroom Door, She Heard A Strange Buzzing Noise Coming From Within. Opening The Door, She Observed Her Daughter Giving Herself A Real Workout With A Vibrator. Shocked, She Asked: "what In The World Are You Doing?"

The Daughter Replied: "mom, I'm Thirty-five Years Old, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband! Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."

The Next Day, The Girl's Father Heard The Same Buzz Coming From The Other Side Of The Closed Bedroom Door. Upon Entering The Room, He Observed His Daughter Making Passionate Love To Her Vibrator. To His Query As To What She Was Doing, The Daughter Said:

"dad I'm Thirty-five, Unmarried, And This Thing Is About As Close As I'll Ever Get To A Husband. Please, Go Away And Leave Me Alone."

A Couple Days Later, Mom Came Home From A Shopping Trip, Placed The Groceries On The Kitchen Counter, And Heard That Buzzing Noise Coming From, Of All Places, The Living Room.

She Entered That Area And Observed Her Husband Sitting On The Couch, Downing A Cold Beer, And Staring At The Tv.

The Vibrator Was Next To Him On The Couch, Buzzing Like Crazy.

The Wife Asked: "what The Hell Are You Doing?"

The Husband Replied: "i'm Watching Football With My Son-in-law."
Click to expand...


OMG!!!!!!!! LMAO That was sooooo funny :D :D
 
Voodoo Penis
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Danielle C. on 02-17-1999
Genre: Long-Winded, Rating: 2.86, Suitability: R
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He
knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy
sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep
her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except..." and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He
opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The
Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook
wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form
down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo
Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back
to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he
was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would
willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she
became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to
drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck
in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
 
catsr2wild said:
Voodoo Penis
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Danielle C. on 02-17-1999
Genre: Long-Winded, Rating: 2.86, Suitability: R
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He
knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy
sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep
her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except..." and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He
opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The
Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook
wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form
down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo
Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back
to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he
was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would
willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she
became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to
drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck
in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
Click to expand...



*falls over laughing* OMG this is PRICELESS........
 
catsr2wild said:
Voodoo Penis
Author: Unknown
Submitted by Danielle C. on 02-17-1999
Genre: Long-Winded, Rating: 2.86, Suitability: R
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He
knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy
sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep
her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to
another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking
for something special to please his wife, and started talking to
the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We
have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except..." and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo
penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He
opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The
Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the
door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook
wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form
down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo
Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back
to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally
surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he
was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was
unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would
willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my
crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she
became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could
help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to
drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way,
another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He
asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to
drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to
drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck
in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an
arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
Click to expand...
Hi,great joke made me laugh
:)
 
Yikes.....lolol

Have you ever been misunderstood?
>
>
>
>The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in
>this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux
Klan.
>This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
>tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
>Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
>forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The
preacher
>continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a
>falsehood?
>
>
>Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
>feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
>Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous
>blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her
> head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there
has
>been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the
>Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a
> wizard under the sheets."
>
>
>The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared!
 
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1 Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!


Thoughts for the weekend:
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!



When I was young we used to go

"skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed

up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete'

and start all over?



Stress is when you wake up screaming and

then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.



My husband says I never listen to him.

At least I think that's what he said.



Just remember...

if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


But Most Of All, Remember !
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
 
Inheritance

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she a sked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left .

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina .""Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
This guy loved his tattoo until he was sent to prison for a few months.. I bet He doesn't love His tattoo anymore..LOL
 
Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out"- both were very
faithful, loving wives...however, they had got a bit over
enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home- they needed to pee,so they
stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided
to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was
wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them...luckily
she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a
ribbon on it so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed heir "business" they continued toward
home.

The following day, one of the women's husband was concerned that
his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung
over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These damn girl nights
out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife
came home with no panties!"... "that's nothing!" said the other
husband, "mine came back with a card stuck in the crack of her ass
that read: "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION...WE WILL NEVER
FORGET YOU"!!!
 
Jamaican Sandals

Just one more..... and George I hope you catch these baby :D :D :D


A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the
marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal
shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! "

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you
would be
interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex
god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?

"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and
tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes.
.. . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently
over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed
a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU
GOT
DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! N0000000000000000
 
catsr2wild said:
Just one more..... and George I hope you catch these baby :D :D :D


A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the
marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal
shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! "

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you
would be
interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the
sex
god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?

"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and
tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes.
.. . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently
over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed
a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU
GOT
DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! N0000000000000000
Click to expand...


*giggles uncontrollably*....thanks for the laughs this morning Cats
 
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