Puns

[Suzanna33]

I was going to be a comedian, but everyone kept laughing at me.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

Hahaha

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

.

 

[Ravenloft]

On monday, Timmy doesn't care that he is blue, because he has $50

Tuesday and Wednesday are particularly grey, so Timmy buys a few
cd's by the Cure, one on Tuesday for $9.95 and two more on Wednesday
for $12.95 each, before tax.

On Thursday, Timmy doesn't care about you.

On Friday, he's in love.

Question: What does Timmy have?




















Answer: Depression, Timmy has clinical depression.

 

[Ravenloft]

It wasn't until after he had finished the last strip of bacon that Pooh Bear realized just how much he was going to miss Piglet's company.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

.

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

.

 

[Ravenloft]

Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.

 

[Ravenloft]

A mushroom walked into a bar and the bartender screamed for him to leave, saying: "We don't serve YOUR kind here!" to which, the mushroom asked: "Why not? I'm a fungi!"

 

[Ravenloft]

In these frightening and uncertain times, the Autobot leader will no longer be known as Optimus Prime. He will henceforth be known as Pessimist Prime! "Autobots! Why bother?"

 

[Ravenloft]

And if you thought the Omicron virus was bad, wait until you catch Megatron! You'll be blown away!

 

[Ravenloft]

Where do babies come from?

 

[Ravenloft]

Not exactly funny per se, but just to show where my brain goes while I'm working, I started imagining an "Insurance" family unit.

The guy from Allstate married to Flo from Progressive and the Geico Gecko as their love child!

 

[Ravenloft]

Stamp collecting may seem like a very boring and nerdy hobby, BUT it teaches a VERY important life lessong.

You have to lick it before you stick it if you expect to post anything, especially if you want to receive anything in return!

 

[gga]

This may be stretching the definition of what a pun is, but it's too funny not to share.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FMe0FcHXwAEm_z0?format=jpg&name=small

Yeah, because who wants to make cookies that look like bathroom fixtures.

 

[Ravenloft]

Piglett: What's the bravest thing you've ever done, Pooh?
Pooh: Asked for help, Piglett.
Piglett: What do you need help with Pooh?
Pooh: Breakfast, Piglett, breakfast. *Licking his lips*
Piglett: *Backing away.* I don't think I should, Pooh.

 

[Ravenloft]

The crazy true story of the origins of Cannibalism

Caveman: Ooo OOO!

Cavewoman: Ack! What?!

Caveman: *Squiggling his foot innocently in the dirt, hiding a club behind his back* Can nibble?

Cavewoman: *Sick of his shit.* Uuuuugh! Fine! *Sticks out her arm.*

Caveman: *Drops his club in excitement* Om nom nom nom!

Cavewoman: *Drags the club out of reach while he's preoccupied.*

 

[Ravenloft]

How to tell if your boyfriend is hot for you or just a cannibal

Step one: Show some leg, if he sits up at attention, he's into you.

Next, rub his favorite herbs and spices into your naked calves.

If he doesn't stop you immediately and ask you what the fuck you are doing, and instead whips out... a fork and knife and begins to drool over you, you should really put your clothes back on and run the fuck away, because he is most assuredly a cannibal!

 

[Ravenloft]

*In an epic movie trailer guy voice*

In a world filled with tacos...

Half man, half machine... All supreme...

"Ayoo, ayoo! I am the Taconator! I'll be guac!"

Taconator 2: The Taconing!

Taconator 3: Reloaded and refried!

This spring, return to where it all began... In a sleepy little town Serita Conqueso lives a quite life working at a taco stand until... The Taconator returns! This april, there will beano survivors! Carlos Ricardo is a man out of Tamales!

Authentic Mexican action at its finest!

 

[Ravenloft]

Prostitute, masturbation and urinal cake jokes, oh my!

If a hooker plays hooky from prostitute school to go get laid, is she truant or doing her homework?

Prostitution is the only field where you can get away with sleeping on the job.

Is a fully booked prostitute a busy beaver?

Maestrobator: A musician who seduces orchestral conductors with their sax and violins.

I had a friend who worked in a factory that made urinal cakes. He got pissed at me when I pitched him my idea for edible bathroom snack cakes. Our friendship went down the toilet after that.

 

[Ravenloft]

Why is Spiderman short a month? Because he lost May.

If you are all out of crackers than you are crackalackin.

If you are a red head who drinks ginger ale, than you are a cannibal on a liquid diet.

It could be worse, you could be a ginger white girl with the flu and have to eat crackers and drink Vernors, that makes you a double cannibal!

 

[SirConradPeckereye]

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[SirConradPeckereye]

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[SirConradPeckereye]

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[SirConradPeckereye]

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