Question.. porn/chatting.. cheating?

[Belegon]

Nor am I sure I'd really want to. I don't think there's an either/or here, where you have to control your negative emotions or else they control you. I'd rather allow myself to feel jealousy, greed, anger, apathy, fear, hate, and figure out what they are telling me, than to suppress or filter them out (or however the heck you do it. ). Control, for me, comes into play whether or not i act upon those emotions. And i control what I do.

I'm with you in the sense that I don't want to keep myself from feeling. I would rather embrace even the sad/melancholy side of emotions than be numb. The exception is anger. I always regret allowing myself to fall headlong into anger.

For me, it's not a matter of filtering. I just don't feel it. And I'm a poor resource for people who want to discuss how to overcome it in some ways because of that.

I don't feel it. If my SO kisses someone, I'm far more likely to ask whether they got any tongue than why they did it. And that's not new. I've been that way as long as I can remember.

My LACK of jealousy has actually created relationship problems for me because it has been used against me as a sign that I "don't care." That also seems to be the number one "excuse" for jealous behavior... "He's just showing you how much he loves you" or something of that nature. I reject that. If he loves you, he wants you to be happy, not fearful of his reaction.

I should have said "I can't make myself stop feeling it" because I can only speak for myself.

Yeah, but you do that well and in a manner that continues to make me want to know you better...

 

[impressive]

I should have said "I can't make myself stop feeling it" because I can only speak for myself.

I'm with Liar. Feel what you feel -- then figure out what it's telling you. What you do with the information is more important. I'd rather have the data than not.

 

[carsonshepherd]

I'm with Liar. Feel what you feel -- then figure out what it's telling you. What you do with the information is more important. I'd rather have the data than not.

I don't try to stop myself or lie to myself. But I hate the feeling of jealousy and I never admit it to my SO when I do feel it, because I know how it feels to have jealousy used as a form of control, which is something I never want to do even inadvertently.

 

[SensualCealy]

I think, speaking for myself, jealousy makes me wonder what it is that I am not doing right in the relationship that he has to go else where to feel satisfied.

It may not even be that he is 'more or less' satisfied with the other person online, it may just be that she is different and that's the excitement in it all.

It most likely is an indirect way of saying "hey, wake up the relationship"!

JMO
C

 

[JamesSD]

There's a lot of shades of gray in these sorts of issues. First and foremost, if a partner is neglecting the other partner's emotional or sexual needs while spending time chatting with others online, then clearly there is a problem. This doesn't sound like the case outlined above.

Ultimately it comes down to a question of trust, and if you trust your boyfriend, there's no reason to be threatened by a mass e-mailed tit shot from an attention whore.

At the same time, if your boyfriend habitually goes into sex chat type chat rooms to flirt, this is a little concerning, especially if you don't like it. But a little flirting never hurt anyone.

 

[lisa123414]

EmeraldKitten –
It’s easy to say jealousy is a destructive emotion, or that you should worry or not worry. It doesn’t matter how other people feel, or how you think you should feel, the only thing that matters is how you do feel. If it bothers you, then it bothers you and that will hurt your relationship. You don’t have to come up with a rational justification for every emotion you feel, if it bugs you then it is important.

I don’t agree, that it is a matter of trying to control another person, and I don’t think that your boyfriend has to automatically agree to everything you say. He may tell you that this is important to him and he does not want to change his habits. At this point, you decide if you can live with it.

What kills relationships is the unspoken little pet peeves and angers. I am very close to a woman whose relationship with her husband was always stormy. She told me once that she felt like she really started hating him over toothpaste in the sink. Of course it was a little thing, and only an insignificant indication of a relationship with other, deeper problems. He strayed in real life, he tried to control her using money (they were older, in a “traditional” relationship with kids and she did not make her own money), in short he was less than ideal. She stayed with him though, until the day he died. Although they hurt each other, those two adored each other.

Anyway, I hope this helps and good luck!

 

[kendo1]

Does this mean that EK won't be flirting anymore?

I suppose a fuck is out of the question too. It's kinda difficult on-line.

 

[Guest]

I participate in online chat rooms and in role play rooms. I have since roughly 1999. I have met many of those people. I played in a card game league online since 1998, I have gone to tournaments with those people. I met and married my first husband from the card games... and met and married husband number three through the online chat role play rooms. I have seen FAR TOO MANY married folk/attached folk get involved with others online and then it moves to offline and all hell breaks loose. I have seen it destroy marriages and relationships. I have seen friendships utterly devastated. I have seen families destroyed over 'relationships' that just started out as 'innocent flirting' online.

Emerald... if you are jealous... THEN TELL HIM!!!
Do not think that you are silly, disturbed, stupid or any other horrible word. I don't know how many people that I know that an 'innocent relationship' that started online ended up ravaging an entire family and destroying lives. If the bells are going off in your head... LISTEN!!!!!

I know that many here will tell you its just flirting its harmless jealousy is a useless time waster.... but what if... just IF jealousy is your minds way of forcing you to listen to your intuition?

 

[impressive]

but what if... just IF jealousy is your minds way of forcing you to listen to your intuition?

Valid point.

 

[SimpleGifts]

Jealousy is a negative emotion. As with any emotion, though, it's not the fact that you feel it that's good OR bad -- it's what you DO with the feeling that determines its impact on you and those around you.

I rarely experience any form jealousy. If I do, it's always narrow in focus and targeted toward one individual, completely rooted in righteous indignation. IOW, it's of a "So-and-so totally doesn't deserve that kind of goodness/attention, and I most certainly DO." variety. (I realize that is a very arrogant, judgmental viewpoint. Hey, I don't claim to be perfect -- just waaaaaaaaaaaay above average. *wink*) Some wouldn't even classify that as "jealousy," but rather some other ugly character trait. I think they'd be right, too.

I often experience envy.

The difference, as I see it and as has been oft discussed here, is that your garden variety jealousy is exclusive (i.e., I want something, and I don't want anyone else to have it at all. Mine! Mine! ALL mine!) whereas envy is inclusive (i.e., I want a piece of that action, but it's okay if others share in it as well.).

Wow. Thank you, Imp. I made the same point to someone a few years ago, and completely forgot about it until you mentioned it. I'm also the kind of person who is rarely jealous...but I do get envious.

When I was with my lover, I didn't mind that she chatted, that she flirted, that she thought about other guys...I knew that she wanted me, that I was the one she loved, that even if she strayed she'd come back to me. I was a bit envious because I couldn't be there to flirt with her along with the men she met (when she was on travel and such) but I wasn't jealous.

When our circumstances changed and we were no longer together, but we attempted to be "just friends," the jealousy hit me like a brick wall falling on me. I couldn't have her at all...she wasn't coming back, but someone else had her. I didn't mind her being with someone else if I knew her heart was with me. Once I no longer had that assurance, that connection...I could understand, though I would never do anything so cruel, the feeling that if I couldn't have her then no one should. Which is why I asked her not to contact me anymore. I did start to scare myself.

That's why I have to say, jealousy is natural to some degree, but indeed, you still have a choice with what you do about it. And if your partner's behaviors and actions feed your insecurities, about him OR about yourself, then you need to tell him and find a way to solve the problem TOGETHER. And that way, there is no need for him to 'cheat,' because he knows that when there's a problem, the solution is to be honest with you and you can work it out.

Bon courage to you.

SG

 

[EmeraldKitten]

Wow you guys. Thanks a ton! This is awesome! And I haven't even seen anyone be shitty!
Tit shots and kisses for anyone who wants them!!! LOL. Just joshin' ya.

I'm really impress and amazed by the opinions here. This is fantastic, lol. I figured if I was going to get an honest answer, here would be the place to do it. And I was right!

I've been thinking about it, and I can't come up with a way to explain myself better.
I had told him it bothered me- just the part about the local-ish chicks. I don't like it. I can't help it, lol. But like I said, I try not to be a maniac about it.
On the other hand, during one of our conversations, he informed me that he doesn't like my friendship with one of my ex's. The particular ex was a pretend boyfriend in high school who didn't so much as kiss me, let alone anything else. So his not liking my friendship with him in silly.
Meanwhile, his best friend happens to be a girl. At first I didn't think I'd like that, but I like the girl, she's happily engaged, and I know I have nothing to worry about. Later, I found out that they tried to date years ago, but it wasn't going to work. However, their relationship was sexual. That kind of bothered me. But, as I said, I know I have nothing to worry about.
During this conversation, I asked my bf how he'd react if I told him I didn't like him talking to her. He said he'd stop. I don't think he would. That simply isn't fair.
As a matter a fact, once the girl and I started becoming friends, she informed me that part of the reason she liked me so much was because she got to hang out with my bf. His ex-girlfriends had always banned their friendship.

So anyway, evidentally I'm not the only one with jealous feelings. But, I'm trying not to let the internet thing ruin my life. And when he gets online, like I said, I'm right here.. and more than likely he's talking to some dude about a car, lol.

So I think the root of my issue is the women*******hoochie mama's that feel the need to be... loose women, lol. (I've been reading historical romance novels again.)

We aren't on the brink of breaking up over this or anything like that... like I said, I'm just curious how everyone else would feel in the situation, and you've all been wonderfully helpful in sharing your views, and making me see the other side of things. Thank you all again, so much.


Okay, time to be a good house cat and flip the laundry. The wench's work is never done.

 

[Guest]

On the other hand, during one of our conversations, he informed me that he doesn't like my friendship with one of my ex's. The particular ex was a pretend boyfriend in high school who didn't so much as kiss me, let alone anything else. So his not liking my friendship with him in silly.

STOP....
Reread this one part.... and if you don't understand why I am pointing it out... stop and reread it again.

 

[EmeraldKitten]

STOP....
Reread this one part.... and if you don't understand why I am pointing it out... stop and reread it again.

LOL. I know exactly why ya pointed it out.
And that's exactly why I called myself a hypocrite in the original post. lol.

 

[Remec]

Hmm, what do I think? Good question, I've not considered it in quite some time (pretty much since I stopped hanging out in Yahoo chat and dropped AOL). The porn issue comes up now and then, mostly when my wife thinks my surfing time is cutting into time better spent doing housework or being with the kids.

(She used to complain about less time with her as well, but our schedules all all but eliminated that so I'm extra careful not to do anything to detract from *our* time.)

But as for cybering, I think it depends on how both people in the relationship view that kind of fantasy outlet. If these are, indeed, people whom might be just a hop, skip, and car ride down the Interstate, then it might be time to talk it over more thoroughly, just like you would if they were spending time with a RL person. (ie, Who is that? What are they like? What do you get from them that you don't have here? etc)

My marriage is polyamourous, although only Rowan has anyone besides me in her life. If I ever found someone who was as openminded about this sort of thing, I'd arrange a meeting and put everyone in touch. Until then, I flirt, with all the banter and entendre that that entails, but hold off on promises of this or that until I get to know them better.

 

[Remec]

My honey has suggested our own porn thing.. I think it's his sly way of gettin' some nakkie pictures.

*quietly knocking on wood and wishing hubby the best of luck*
*looking up*
Wha'? Seems like a perfectly good thing to support.

 

[Guest]

*quietly knocking on wood and wishing hubby the best of luck*
*looking up*
Wha'? Seems like a perfectly good thing to support.

Naughty lad.





EK? I don't know what to say.

Just best wishes for your dilemma.

 

[Remec]

Minor threadjack

Naughty lad.

You rang?

 

[Guest]

You rang?

I sure could use one of your amazing hugs these days.

 

[Remec]

I sure could use one of your amazing hugs these days.

Thanks, I could certainly stand with handing some of them out about now.

 

[Guest]

Thanks, I could certainly stand with handing some of them out about now.

 

[impressive]

I sure could use one of your amazing hugs these days.

I'm next!

 

[raphy]

I'm with you in the sense that I don't want to keep myself from feeling. I would rather embrace even the sad/melancholy side of emotions than be numb. The exception is anger. I always regret allowing myself to fall headlong into anger.

Interestingly enough, Anger is one emotion I am happy to allow myself to feel, if for nothing more than it's very powerful, and if you can take that power and store it deep inside you and unlock it when you need it, it's very useful..

Like, if I'm at the gym and I want to do 10 more reps, or another 500 yards on the treadmill and I'm starting to fade, I unlock that anger and feed off it. Of course, right now, I've got a lot of it to feed from, given my current situation, heh.

For me, it's not a matter of filtering. I just don't feel it. And I'm a poor resource for people who want to discuss how to overcome it in some ways because of that.

I don't feel it. If my SO kisses someone, I'm far more likely to ask whether they got any tongue than why they did it. And that's not new. I've been that way as long as I can remember.

My LACK of jealousy has actually created relationship problems for me because it has been used against me as a sign that I "don't care." That also seems to be the number one "excuse" for jealous behavior... "He's just showing you how much he loves you" or something of that nature. I reject that. If he loves you, he wants you to be happy, not fearful of his reaction.

I've had that problem in the past too .. whisp and I used to joke that if there was ever any extra marital activity, we'd only be pissed if there wasn't pictures

She and I may not be perfect, but that's just one more reason why we're perfect for each other.

 

[Chantilyvamp]

I'd have to go on the side of the people who dont like or dont feel a whole lot of jealousy. I don't really care who the hubby talks to online. As long as hes in my bed giving me what I need then I'm not going to get to worked up over it. It takes up to much energy to worry endlessly over an emotion like that. I leave the jealousy to him.

 

[bdi]

I'd have to go on the side of the people who dont like or dont feel a whole lot of jealousy. I don't really care who the hubby talks to online. As long as hes in my bed giving me what I need then I'm not going to get to worked up over it. It takes up to much energy to worry endlessly over an emotion like that. I leave the jealousy to him.

my feelings are exactly the same because both my wife and myself talk to people online and we both know that we sometimes flirt and sometimes go that little bit further!!! but it does not matter as we both trust each other in that we will always be going to bed together. And if our chatting and flirting helps us to live out our fantasies then so be it.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I don't love my girlfriends because we are /having/ sex, I love them for wanting to with me (to focus /just/ on the sex part of the relationship)... that we have it is just the icing on the cake, from an emotional standpoint.

Expressing a want of someone else is threatening. Actualizing or playing around with that want of someone else is beyond the bounds of fidelity for me.