Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[TXRafe]

I think I have not got a large part of the discussion as I am not a native speaker.

Does the gentle dom say he is against safewords and safesigns?

Or does he say he agrees to that but has never needed one because he is such a good psycho-anaylst?

he is arguing they are not necessary and he does not use them...

 

[Venefica]

OK, if this is the case that sounds rather narcistic.

 

[cascadiabound]

they chase you, but not faster than you can reasonably run in your stripper heels.

they want to see you dressed to impress in black garters and no knickers, but you'd better be wearing pearls.

they bust down the door to get to where you're hiding, but they knock first.

they swear at you and call you Whore and Cumslut, but they start with "My Lady," and end with "if you please?"

they fuck you harder and longer than an Avenger train, but they bring you tea and crumpets in bed the next morning.



***NOTICE: the O.P. is entirely full of shit, and has absolutely no idea what she's talking about.
she just thought this would be a fun subject for a thread. ---The Mgmt.

Wild Honey is no longer on Lit, but Lit is littered with wonderful discussion threads she started. She was/is curious and fun, kinky and unafraid to explore the taboo and non vanilla elements of sexy fun times. She was very switchy and in the time I knew her here she seemed to very much expand her personal sexual buffet sometimes wanting to be the s in a daddy-dom kind of relationship and other times thrilled with bring the Domme with subby men/-boys.

She never thought she had all the answers. She loved getting people talking so that the conversation created openings for people to make self discoveries.

Anyway - above is the OP - might help us reframe the discussion.

Also... the Mr. Grey /Shades of Grey popular culture version of a dominant man does influence our thinking on this topic whether we like it or not, whether we lean towards the "wouldn't that be romantic" side or the "omg THAT is a dressed up version of abuse" side.
[That discussion has been held elsewhere and I'm not sure it's particularly useful to have it here.]

I'm personally interested in an expansive definition of who/what a gentleman is. They usually (in 2025) don't wear a suit unless their profession requires it. I believe gentlemen exist in every economic class and every kind of worklife. For me... the requirement is respect. And a determination to hold themselves to a standard that most would agree is admirable. But their tastes in sex/play/power games, etc vary widely. I don't know how wide / big that buffet is or if it is a subset of the complete BDSM smorgasbord that even 2 people could agree on what belongs in the set.

In my ideal world people could use this thread to talk about how these things feel and work for them. What they hope for in their kinky relationships. Etc. I want to be like Wild Honey- curious, interested, open to new perspectives, willing to see where the edges of my sexuality can be challenged and so forth.

I do believe that basic safety is paramount and it is important we hold that standard in front of us. But I also think we've come to a community consensus on that on the past few pages. Notwithstanding the obvious outlier.

Carry on. Let's talk about Gentlemen. And Doms. And where those 2 ideas overlap.

 

[TXRafe]

Wild Honey is no longer on Lit, but Lit is littered with wonderful discussion threads she started. She was/is curious and fun, kinky and unafraid to explore the taboo and non vanilla elements of sexy fun times. She was very switchy and in the time I knew her here she seemed to very much expand her personal sexual buffet sometimes wanting to be the s in a daddy-dom kind of relationship and other times thrilled with bring the Domme with subby men/-boys.

She never thought she had all the answers. She loved getting people talking so that the conversation created openings for people to make self discoveries.

Anyway - above is the OP - might help us reframe the discussion.

Also... the Mr. Grey /Shades of Grey popular culture version of a dominant man does influence our thinking on this topic whether we like it or not, whether we lean towards the "wouldn't that be romantic" side or the "omg THAT is a dressed up version of abuse" side.
[That discussion has been held elsewhere and I'm not sure it's particularly useful to have it here.]

I'm personally interested in an expansive definition of who/what a gentleman is. They usually (in 2025) don't wear a suit unless their profession requires it. I believe gentleman exist in every economic class and every kind of worklife. For me... the requirement is respect. And a determination to hold themselves to a standard that most would agree is admirable. But their tastes in sex/play/power games, etc vary widely. I don't know how wide big that buffet is or if is is a subset of the complete BDSM smorgasbord that even 2 people could agree on what belongs in the set.

In my ideal world people could use this thread to talk about how these things feel and work for them. What they hope for in there kinky relationships. Etc. I want to be like Wild Honey- curious, interested, open to new perspectives, willing to see where the edges of my sexuality can be challenged and so forth.

I do believe that basic safety is paramount and it is important we hold that standard in front of us. But I also think we've come to a community consensus on that on the past few pages. Notwithstanding the obvious outlier.

Carry on. Let's talk about Gentlemen. And Doms. And where those 2 ideas overlap.

i feel like i try to express this through appreciation of your posts in both your curated threads and interactions in other treads through my of so many of your posts, but you offer so much rationality, passion, and wisdom to these discussions. I really hope that the people who do have questions and need guidance see you as the valuable resource that you are. thank you for sharing so much of yourself and for so elegantly being able to put things into perspective. i appreciate it and you.

 

[lil_jenni]

I was tired and cranky last night because I was up feeding babies. So, I came back and read through last night's posts again. But even now it reads creepy AF. And while there may be a bit of a language issue, I don't think it's the main issue.

 

[RosewoodTulip]

So I popped in here because the thread title intrigued me. Gentleman Doms? Yes please!
It's encouraging that so many of you have stressed the importance of safety, consent and communication - all things that a safe word represents.
And of course no one wants to use them - in an ideal situation it's just an amazing and fulfilling experience for everyone - but sometimes things go wrong. Restraints could be too tight or something that you thought you'd be into could just feel wrong in the moment. And for someone kinda shy or without a lot of confidence it's so important to know there's a guilt free, supposedly universally agreed way to pause or stop.
It's disappointing that one individual put his pride over safety but it's a good reminder that not everyone active in kink is responsible or willing to listen and adapt.

 

[JaysonFromMars]

 

[cascadiabound]

Sorry, I just stumbled upon this thread and cannot believe ANYONE would be opposed to safewords. My previous sub and I had incredible non-verbal communication but we NEVER went without safewords. I insist on establishing them in non-BDSM situations as well, especially any group play or new partners. If everyone understands that everything stops, without question, when the word is used, everyone can relax and feel a lot more secure. All sex depends upon trust and respect, especially BDSM and other practices that push us out of our comfort zones.

Just the opinion of a former Dom Daddy. Take it or leave it.

Thank you for weighing in.
I'll take it.

 

[Chloe_Harper]

Wild Honey is no longer on Lit, but Lit is littered with wonderful discussion threads she started. She was/is curious and fun, kinky and unafraid to explore the taboo and non vanilla elements of sexy fun times. She was very switchy and in the time I knew her here she seemed to very much expand her personal sexual buffet sometimes wanting to be the s in a daddy-dom kind of relationship and other times thrilled with bring the Domme with subby men/-boys.

She never thought she had all the answers. She loved getting people talking so that the conversation created openings for people to make self discoveries.

Anyway - above is the OP - might help us reframe the discussion.

I love all this and sad I never got to know her. Thank you for reminding everyone why they came to this thread in the first place

Also... the Mr. Grey /Shades of Grey popular culture version of a dominant man does influence our thinking on this topic whether we like it or not, whether we lean towards the "wouldn't that be romantic" side or the "omg THAT is a dressed up version of abuse" side.
[That discussion has been held elsewhere and I'm not sure it's particularly useful to have it here.

I think this is true, and is something to keep in mind still when discussing a Gentleman Dom. Pop culture has a way of moving into our minds and affecting how we see and understand and relate to certain ideals. For me, neither of those examples is the Gentleman Dom. Elijah from Vampire Diaries is though, if anyone has seen that.

I'm personally interested in an expansive definition of who/what a gentleman is. They usually (in 2025) don't wear a suit unless their profession requires it. I believe gentlemen exist in every economic class and every kind of worklife. For me... the requirement is respect. And a determination to hold themselves to a standard that most would agree is admirable. But their tastes in sex/play/power games, etc vary widely. I don't know how wide / big that buffet is or if is is a subset of the complete BDSM smorgasbord that even 2 people could agree on what belongs in the set.

A gentleman, for me, is less about what he wears and more how he wears it. Manners and courtesy are an important facet to his everyday behavior and thinking. He knows how to be commanding, whether commanding the attention of a room or just you. I don't think his gentlemanly ways determine what kind of Dom he is, rather how he portrays that kind of Dom.

That's my two cents as of right now. I'm sure once the coffee kicks in, I'll have more to bounce off other people's posts

 

[sammyIammy]

I imagine a long slow courtship that builds comfort and trust. The longer the courtship the deeper the trust. Presuming there is a kink connection a long gradual courtship may lead to such a deep level of trust that at times there is a very faint line where one person ends and the other begins.

 

[EvaLane]

I think this is true, and is something to keep in mind still when discussing a Gentleman Dom. Pop culture has a way of moving into our minds and affecting how we see and understand and relate to certain ideals. For me, neither of those examples is the Gentleman Dom. Elijah from Vampire Diaries is though, if anyone has seen that.

Finally, a reference I can understand!

If it’s not too much to ask, could you compare him to a character you’d consider misrepresented as a Gentleman Dom?

I appreciate all of these insights so much from everyone, this is wonderful thread to absorb and reflect on

 

[Mrtenant]

Are we saying that G-doms don't play rough? Or don't know how to play rough? That they would never need a safeword? Absurd. Waxplay, flogging, spanking, clamps, ropes, and more are often the toys of the trade.

 

[Chloe_Harper]

If it’s not too much to ask, could you compare him to a character you’d consider misrepresented as a Gentleman Dom?

Yes. Let me ponder this for a moment.

Are we saying that G-doms don't play rough? Or don't know how to play rough? That they would never need a safeword? Absurd. Waxplay, flogging, spanking, clamps, ropes, and more are often the toys of the trade.

Oh, no. "We" are not saying such foolish things. Just because one is a gentleman, doesn't mean that he doesn't have certain inclinations toward a variety of play. How he plays within those inclinations is what determines how much of a gentleman he is. Imo anyway.

 

[Qky75]

On a very personal level, I've despised the trendy version of "dom/sub' - that faulty notion "vanilla" means boring and uninspired. I love taking charge and getting a little rough in the heat of the moment. But manners are important. Showing gentleness to the one person who deserves to see it is important to me. Being vulnerable to that person is important. We put too much importance on labels and compartments. I am speaking only for myself here.

 

[TXRafe]

https://forum.literotica.com/thread...sm-open-as-long-as-you-don’t-deviate.1627815/

just in case anyone needs a good laugh or feels like starting a fight

 

[cascadiabound]

On a very personal level, I've despised the trendy version of "dom/sub' - that faulty notion "vanilla" means boring and uninspired. I love taking charge and getting a little rough in the heat of the moment. But manners are important. Showing gentleness to the one person who deserves to see it is important to me. Being vulnerable to that person is important. We put too much importance on labels and compartments. I am speaking only for myself here.

I think "vanilla" gets a bad rap. There's a thread around here about that and what kind of flavor are you.

This is a bit off the topic of BDSM but I have recently started making vanilla (and other extracts) and there is a whole world of different kinds of vanilla beans. They vary like different coffee beans or different whiskeys. Do you know that most places vanilla is cultivated each bloom has to be hand pollinated in the morning of the 1st day it blooms otw it will never grow a bean. Where vanilla is native (Mexico) there is a bee who only pollinate vanilla and they occur no where else in the world.

So... vanilla is very special. It requires very special care and tending. And it's definitely not one thing.

In the world of sex... what is sometimes disparaged as "just vanilla" is imo shallow and misses the point. It takes a lot to be vulnerable and participate with your whole self in any intimate act. Sometimes the trappings of toys and fancy clothing create more barriers than intimacy. They allow us to hide or just have our senses overwhelmed. Sometimes that's just the ticket. I want it all.
I want vanilla deliciousness and I want the fancy dessert with 8 flavors, 6 techniques and caramel sauce on top. Different days different things. It's ALL good. (Hopefully)

 

[barefootgirl69]

Gentlemen Doms like a lively discussion, but they are trustworthy and don't outright lie to people.

 

[Neanderthal247]

Hoping we can continue to move the thread on, as I have questions for the ladies and gentlemen here.

Question for the Ladies, what is your definition of a real Dom or Dominant lover ? What attributes do you deem necessary to fit those requirements?


Question for the Gentleman, what do you feel are the attributes and responsibilities of a true Dom or Dominant lover ?



I dabble in BDSM, but don't live it, so I don't consider myself a Dom. I do enjoy being Dominant with my lover, it's something so special, it's a real desire for me.




No one has to answer any questions, as I'm a visitor on the thread, but would appreciate any participation

 

[barefootgirl69]

I'll just go on record now.

I hate the term "true Dom". No two Doms are going to be exactly alike. There's no "true way".

To answer your question about attributes, I don't have a list or anything in my head. All of my Doms (from Master to Daddy Dom) IRL and on Lit, have been as different as day and night. I'll have to think more on this.

 

[Shenanigans90]

I’m relatively new to the D/s lifestyle but in my experience open and honest communication about wants, needs, and expectations are key to a healthy relationship.

 

[MiaBabe23]

Hoping we can continue to move the thread on, as I have questions for the ladies and gentlemen here.

Question for the Ladies, what is your definition of a real Dom or Dominant lover ? What attributes do you deem necessary to fit those requirements?


Question for the Gentleman, what do you feel are the attributes and responsibilities of a true Dom or Dominant lover ?



I dabble in BDSM, but don't live it, so I don't consider myself a Dom. I do enjoy being Dominant with my lover, it's something so special, it's a real desire for me.




No one has to answer any questions, as I'm a visitor on the thread, but would appreciate any participation

It’ll take me a bit of thought to answer this properly, but I did just look at another thread, and saw the words ‘Best friend’, and I think that is definitely crucial, alongside trust

 

[Dom70]

Any self respecting Dom...whether a gentleman or not, DEMANDS a safe word. Someone earlier said it perfectly..."things CAN happen." So...don't be a dick...have a safe word, or motion, that says exactly what it is meant to say, or do! No safe word...no action !! Pretty simple. It is called communication, and NOTHING is more important than that. Experience has taught this gentleman Dom that very fact.
I get angry when I hear dominants that think they can just DO things, and not have things in order. It's like a game to THEM, and not taken seriously for the other persons part in the scene. It is NOT 'all about' the dominant...rather...it IS all about the submissive one. Treat it that way!
(Stepping down from my soapbox now...)

 

[Dom70]

I'll just go on record now.

I hate the term "true Dom". No two Doms are going to be exactly alike. There's no "true way".

To answer your question about attributes, I don't have a list or anything in my head. All of my Doms (from Master to Daddy Dom) IRL and on Lit, have been as different as day and night. I'll have to think more on this.

Stop thinking so much! (grin)

 

[Endless_Night]

Question for the Ladies, what is your definition of a real Dom or Dominant lover ? What attributes do you deem necessary to fit those requirements?

This is tough. Like others have said, people so individual it's hard to pin down specific requirements.

Good question, though. I, too, will think on it and see what I can come up with.

 

[Saltfountain]

Hello everyone. Very interesting to read your posts. I love to be a gentleman in daily life but not necessarily in the bedroom

Sooooo... Just out of interest, when you got cross that people assumed you were a male, that was as fake as the rest of the bullshit you've posted here?

You're a sad fuck