Reflections on Gentleman Doms

[ToPleaseHim]

Also going on the record against the terms “true doms” and “true subs.” The spectrum of BDSM is so wide and varied and there is not one true way. Informed consent is the key. While there isn’t one true way, there are things that are inherently wrong (as recently evidenced in this thread).

I have been extremely fortunate in my BDSM relationships. My two prior long-term dominant partners were met here and my current (and hopefully forever partner) guy I met volunteering for the same program. All three are absolute gentleman. They are respectful, articulate, and so fucking intelligent. They have a calm, commanding demeanor. They are all also what I like to playfully call “Scary Boy Scouts” (I definitely have a type, lol).

They push boundaries at times, but would never play without a safeword. I’ve safeworded one time. And it wasn’t because the play got dangerous. It was more that I was so swept up and kind of lost myself and felt unsteady and needed a break. He and I established a green light, yellow light, red light system after that. Saying yellow would result in a break. Red stops all play. I’ve never had to do it again, but I could and he would respect it

 

[Mo_Bandy]

Why is it Dirtbag Doms don’t get any love?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Ah, the dirtbag doms are the abusive posers… No love or respect earned there.

 

[ydahecnot]

Also going on the record against the terms “true doms” and “true subs.” The spectrum of BDSM is so wide and varied and there is not one true way. Informed consent is the key. While there isn’t one true way, there are things that are inherently wrong (as recently evidenced in this thread).

I have been extremely fortunate in my BDSM relationships. My two prior long-term dominant partners were met here and my current (and hopefully forever partner) guy I met volunteering for the same program. All three are absolute gentleman. They are respectful, articulate, and so fucking intelligent. They have a calm, commanding demeanor. They are all also what I like to playfully call “Scary Boy Scouts” (I definitely have a type, lol).

They push boundaries at times, but would never play without a safeword. I’ve safeworded one time. And it wasn’t because the play got dangerous. It was more that I was so swept up and kind of lost myself and felt unsteady and needed a break. He and I established a green light, yellow light, red light system after that. Saying yellow would result in a break. Red stops all play. I’ve never had to do it again, but I could and he would respect it

“Scary Boy Scout”…you just want someone who’s good with knots

 

[ydahecnot]

This is tough. Like others have said, people so individual it's hard to pin down specific requirements.

Good question, though. I, too, will think on it and see what I can come up with.

Someone who likes horror movies? Cheerleader uniforms?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

“Scary Boy Scout”…you just want someone who’s good with knots

Definitely part of the appeal, lol

 

[Mo_Bandy]

Ah, the dirtbag doms are the abusive posers… No love or respect earned there.

I am too lazy to ever be a Dom anyway. What do I care?

 

[ydahecnot]

I am too lazy to ever be a Dom anyway. What do I care?

“Here’s the flogger. Whip your own back.”

 

[Mo_Bandy]

“Here’s the flogger. Whip your own back.”

Going out for booze and tacos. Enjoy yourself.

 

[Neanderthal247]

@barefootgirl69 and @ToPleaseHim
I understand your point and I won't emphasize True or Real Dom.



There are many different kinds of kinks in bdsm and most roles seem different, I believe it has to do with the type of relationship ( Master/Slave, Daddy/Babygirl, Dom/Sub etc. etc. ) and the agreement between these lovers. I think it's important to come to an understanding of what you expect straight off the bat and honoring her limits, if we choose to proceed. If for any reason I am unable to live up to the responsibility, I shouldn't jump into that situation, as it can cause great pain. I enjoy being the protector, being supportive, at moments a little strict (only speaking for me) and having the best intentions for your sub.


Only speaking for myself, without fully understanding what the role of a dominant was, I wanted to be one and saw myself as one, out of pure man pride. I realize that's stupid, being dominant doesn't make you any more of a man. Also every sub has their own distinct taste in what they want in a dominant.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

This is likely to have been shared here before, but Stella’s post is such a great read: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/whats-in-a-label-words-of-wisdom-from-stella-omega.1360492/

 

[cascadiabound]

This is likely to have been shared here before, but Stella’s post is such a great read: https://forum.literotica.com/threads/whats-in-a-label-words-of-wisdom-from-stella-omega.1360492/

Thanks for putting this here again. I posted it on this thread in the last few days because I could see people struggling with terms and behaviors. I constantly point new users to it.

So grateful to Stella for writing it. I wish our paths had crossed.

 

[Cat]

“Scary Boy Scouts”

.... Funny how this cute and playful title made me blush and giggle in the best way possible.

May I borrow it? It is perfect.

 

[Endless_Night]

There is some great stuff in a perusal of the thread. I like this.

 

[Bh39]

I would love for wife to submit to a dominant man while I watch.

 

[MiaBabe23]

Hoping we can continue to move the thread on, as I have questions for the ladies and gentlemen here.

Question for the Ladies, what is your definition of a real Dom or Dominant lover ? What attributes do you deem necessary to fit those requirements?


Question for the Gentleman, what do you feel are the attributes and responsibilities of a true Dom or Dominant lover ?



I dabble in BDSM, but don't live it, so I don't consider myself a Dom. I do enjoy being Dominant with my lover, it's something so special, it's a real desire for me.




No one has to answer any questions, as I'm a visitor on the thread, but would appreciate any participation

Just going back to your question, Neanderthal.
I think the idea of a true dominant and submissive becomes all the more difficult to apply when thinking about switches like me.
I believe I’ve been a true submissive to my Master, in that I was - and would be if able to serve again - genuine in attempting to submit as completely as I could within our respective limits. Trust and affection is significant in this.
I’m otherwise probably what would be termed a soft domme, in that I like to respond to a sub’s pleasure and be playful, rather than being strict or having a set mode of how I’ll be. But when being so, I think I try to be as true to their experience as when submitting.

 

[Endless_Night]

Question for the Ladies, what is your definition of a real Dom or Dominant lover ? What attributes do you deem necessary to fit those requirements?

I've been thinking on this question.

My best offering is a situational example that relates back to something @barefootgirl69 said back a few pages.

This is has been brought up, in my opinion and in my experience, a gentleman dom won't push to get into a dynamic. He's content to wait and see how things progress, eager to talk and discuss expectations they both have, listen to fears and qualms, reassure, but also ensure that he's compatible with the sub.

Six or seven months ago I started exploring the possibility of a D/s relationship with someone on the board. I am reserved and bolty. Dealing with me is something of a process. Still, things were moving along. A couple of months in, some external factors hit that seriously curtailed the other person's available time. This threw a very large wrench into the situation. I am insecure in submission and need much stability. Too sporadic a play would be wildly destabilizing.

He did not push.

Instead, he slowed things down when he realized I was experiencing anxiety. We still talk often, in spite of time constraints - about submission and expectations and a host of non D/s related subjects. It's unclear where things are going, but I have learned, am still learning, an enormous amount about myself and the emotional underpinnings of my submission.

It is of note that he doesn't consider himself a Dom and certainly not a Daddy.

Yet he very clearly placed my well-being first and (for months) has stretched himself to maintain contact and provide me with as stable a platform as he is able. That, to my mind, is pretty darn trusty.

Trusty. Patient. Stable.

There are other things I need on an intellectual and personality level. But as far as core attributes? Those three top my list.

 

[cascadiabound]

I've been thinking on this question.


He did not push.

Instead, he slowed things down when he realized I was experiencing anxiety. We still talk often, in spite of time constraints - about submission and expectations and a host of non D/s related subjects. It's unclear where things are going, but I have learned, am still learning, an enormous amount about myself and the emotional underpinnings of my submission.

Yet he very clearly placed my well-being first and (for months) has stretched himself to maintain contact and provide me with as stable a platform as he is able. That, to my mind, is pretty darn trusty.

Trusty. Patient. Stable.

There are other things I need on an intellectual and personality level. But as far as core attributes? Those three top my list.

I clipped a bunch, but especially the bolded bits are very important. To have your D/Dom/Daddy/PYL know when to not push. Especially early on when trust is bring established it is really important your person have the intuitive sense of when to not push too hard and/or keep communication open so they learn about you and your needs.

Trustworthy. Reliable. Stable. Patient. Good communicator.

 

[Neanderthal247]

I've been thinking on this question.

My best offering is a situational example that relates back to something @barefootgirl69 said back a few pages.


Six or seven months ago I started exploring the possibility of a D/s relationship with someone on the board. I am reserved and bolty. Dealing with me is something of a process. Still, things were moving along. A couple of months in, some external factors hit that seriously curtailed the other person's available time. This threw a very large wrench into the situation. I am insecure in submission and need much stability. Too sporadic a play would be wildly destabilizing.

He did not push.

Instead, he slowed things down when he realized I was experiencing anxiety. We still talk often, in spite of time constraints - about submission and expectations and a host of non D/s related subjects. It's unclear where things are going, but I have learned, am still learning, an enormous amount about myself and the emotional underpinnings of my submission.

It is of note that he doesn't consider himself a Dom and certainly not a Daddy.

Yet he very clearly placed my well-being first and (for months) has stretched himself to maintain contact and provide me with as stable a platform as he is able. That, to my mind, is pretty darn trusty.

Trusty. Patient. Stable.

There are other things I need on an intellectual and personality level. But as far as core attributes? Those three top my list.

Sounds like he cares a great deal and wants you. Hope you don't feel negative about yourself, when it comes to your wants and needs, you need more because the relationship is so much deeper than a traditional relationship and you give so much more of yourself. Your wants and needs should be met, without any blame, it should be your requirements, as I'm sure you're taking big steps and giving yourself up in new ways.


I'm no expert, but this is my opinion on your beautiful post.

 

[Endless_Night]

Trustworthy. Reliable. Stable. Patient. Good communicator.

Reliable!

Everything you said, but this stands out. It feels unfair and awkward needing it as a requirement, considering how unreliable I am myself. Not in presence, but in stability of temperament in submission.

I am mercurial and bolty and prone to over sensitivity. A power exchange partner for me needs to be steady as a rock.

 

[Endless_Night]

I'm no expert, but this is my opinion on your beautiful post.

Thank you! This is sweet.

I'm not much on sharing personal experience in the threads, but it felt like we kept giving you words. Important, encompassing words, but it seemed like an example might add a dash of helpfulness to the mix.

 

[Neanderthal247]

Thank you! This is sweet.

I'm not much on sharing personal experience in the threads, but it felt like we kept giving you words. Important, encompassing words, but it seemed like an example might add a dash of helpfulness to the mix.

I appreciate you sharing, it's not always easy to do so.



You know, I have never felt like apart of the lit community until now, partially because this thread. Most of it has been my attitude and speaking to conversations of interest.

 

[Endless_Night]

You know, I have never felt like apart of the lit community until now, partially because this thread. Most of it has been my attitude and speaking to conversations of interest.

Lit is like that, I've noticed. It seems to be largely a matter of finding people and threads that you find comfortable and stimulating. At least, that's the case for me. Some people like to travel the forum. Others are more niche in the interests.

 

[Neanderthal247]

Lit is like that, I've noticed. It seems to be largely a matter of finding people and threads that you find comfortable and stimulating. At least, that's the case for me. Some people like to travel the forum. Others are more niche in the interests.

I'm a traveler, but once I like a place, I visit regularly.

 

[Neanderthal247]