Returning Newbie - Still Looking for Answers

[spartacus2000]

I guess a part of me wishes I were more dominant...aren't guys suppose to be dominant? And when I read Literotica and other forums like this, there are many more women seeking to be dominated than there are women wishing to dominate.

But I have another problem which is far more serious. A total inability to be honest with my true feelings and present myself as a submissive male. In my current relationship I am unable to fully assume a submissive role. I am afraid that my mate would lose respect for me. I am also not sure if being sexually dominant would be a turn on for her. Since there are so few women that seem to enjoy this role what are the odds that she would be one of them?

So, my only outlet is fantasy, and perhaps the hope that some Dominant females out there would like to interact with me via email, webcam, or if in the area, an occasional meeting. Most dominant women I have approached in chat rooms want men that are unattached and that will be totally devoted to them. I could be submissive only to them, but I am comitted to my current relationship, fragile as it may be.

Isn't it possible to have your normal life and your fantasy life separate? Aren't there dominant women out there, who find themselves in normal relationships, but still burn with desire to dominate a man? Or are there dominant women that would be willing to help a man live out his fantasies without total commitment? Couldn't we help one another? I guess I am asking for too much.

Thanks for listening.....

 

[DuckLover]

Welcome (back) to the boards!

To answer your question, I first need to ask one-- what exactly do you mean by "dominant," both in terms of what you feel is expected of you as a man and in terms of what you want from a woman. The answers to those questions will be extremely important in finding a solution to your situation that doesn't cost you your current relationship.

Regardless of the answers, I'll give you the advice given most often on Lit, regardless of question-- talk to your partner. If it makes you more comfortable, bring up the topic as tentative curiosity. For example, "Hey sweetie, I was reading that some couples really like having the woman take charge during sex. Would you be interested in trying something like that?"

If you have more in-depth questions on the topic, you might try posting on the BDSM board.

 

[spartacus2000]

Thanks for the feedback.

When I use the word dominant, I mean more than just sexually aggressive. She is already sexually aggressive in the sense that she demands sex regularly. I'm just not very confident that she would be interested in dominating me sexually.

I am going to take your advice and copy my first thread to the BDSM board.

Thanks again.

 

[DuckLover]

If your girlfriend is confident and aggressive enough to initiate sex regularly, she's likely to be willing to take more dominant role in what you do in bed, at least on an occassional basis. Don't expect her to suddenly agree to be a full-time dominatrix, but if you ask, she may be willing to have a periodic evening in which she fully controls the action and tells you what to do.

When you suggest the idea, be sure to give her an out, an ability to say no. Also, I urge you to suggest it as a one-time thing to try. She's more likely to say yes if she sees it as something that can be discontinued if she doesn't like it.

 

[Stiffy Says...]

...

Honesty, openness, communication and good faith efforts are what you can offer your lover. No one else is right to place an expectation on you that does not come from inside of you, including your head. Don't let any form of self-doubt ruin things by making you think you need to be someone you might not be. Take time, investigate inside what you deeply feel...and act on that.

 

[spartacus2000]

Well said.....I have begun to open up with my SO and I believe progress is being made.

This will be a slow process since her happiness is just as important as mine. Thank you so much for your input.