'Saving a Marriage ' story feedback

[AtlanticSky]

Hi. Managed to publish my first story, which was a bit ambitious for me. Would be grateful for any feedback. Please try to be kind https://www.literotica.com/s/saving-a-marriage-ch-01-3

 

[Duil2]

Hi. So I've read your first chapter and it's very good. You have a nice mix of dialogue and exposition which moves the story along. There are a few small things I'll mention just to watch for. The work 'okay' should be used instead of 'OK' and watch out for its overuse, maybe try 'alright' sometimes instead or rephrase completely. Small numbers like 4, 5, 6 etc should be full words written out. And I tip I got which is useful is to try to read your story aloud to catch those last little errors.
One other item was when he undressed for his mother you wrote "I kick off my socks and trainers." Can't take off his socks before his trainers.
I might have misunderstood their exchange about Michael being with other men. She sounded like she didn't know how male gay sex worked but she's almost fifty not ninety but that Michael might have done those things, I get why that might shock her a little if she had no idea he 'very open minded' as he called it.
I'm not sure if you can 'nod softly', maybe 'gently' or 'slowly'
In these sequences I would have liked to have heard his inner thoughts a little more and how what she was doing was impacting him, making him feel.
I know it can be difficult when you're trying have a slow build, which you do well in my opinion, not to repeat. So I think she asks him at least twice if he likes her breasts so maybe focusing on different aspects of her body might help as you move long?
I also don't think you need to be specific about which hand she's using unless you really feel it adds to the action or sexiness in some way.
Maybe also try to find another word instead of 'twitches' for his reactions. There a plethora of them like 'tingles', 'bounces', 'engorges' etc. A thesaurus can help.
You've received some great comments on chapter one and it seems to have gone down well.
Given the comment that guesses that dad is going to get into things with the son I might have held off on Michael revealing his liking for 'Bond' and sex with men until later. The readers likely would have thought that the story would head into dad finding out about Michael and mom and the actual direction could have been more of a surprise, maybe.
Hope this helped a bit. Good luck with your writing.

 

[AtlanticSky]

Hi. So I've read your first chapter and it's very good. You have a nice mix of dialogue and exposition which moves the story along. There are a few small things I'll mention just to watch for. The work 'okay' should be used instead of 'OK' and watch out for its overuse, maybe try 'alright' sometimes instead or rephrase completely. Small numbers like 4, 5, 6 etc should be full words written out. And I tip I got which is useful is to try to read your story aloud to catch those last little errors.
One other item was when he undressed for his mother you wrote "I kick off my socks and trainers." Can't take off his socks before his trainers.
I might have misunderstood their exchange about Michael being with other men. She sounded like she didn't know how male gay sex worked but she's almost fifty not ninety but that Michael might have done those things, I get why that might shock her a little if she had no idea he 'very open minded' as he called it.
I'm not sure if you can 'nod softly', maybe 'gently' or 'slowly'
In these sequences I would have liked to have heard his inner thoughts a little more and how what she was doing was impacting him, making him feel.
I know it can be difficult when you're trying have a slow build, which you do well in my opinion, not to repeat. So I think she asks him at least twice if he likes her breasts so maybe focusing on different aspects of her body might help as you move long?
I also don't think you need to be specific about which hand she's using unless you really feel it adds to the action or sexiness in some way.
Maybe also try to find another word instead of 'twitches' for his reactions. There a plethora of them like 'tingles', 'bounces', 'engorges' etc. A thesaurus can help.
You've received some great comments on chapter one and it seems to have gone down well.
Given the comment that guesses that dad is going to get into things with the son I might have held off on Michael revealing his liking for 'Bond' and sex with men until later. The readers likely would have thought that the story would head into dad finding out about Michael and mom and the actual direction could have been more of a surprise, maybe.
Hope this helped a bit. Good luck with your writing.

Thanks for that. I can't really argue with any of it.

 

[naughty_stories]

My only problem was in the later chapters it got difficult to follow who was doing what to who