Say Somethin' Funny!

[PlayfulLittle1]

(I tried to look for a similar thread, but found nothing. Please let me know if I'm duplicating.)

So I'll admit it, I'm a sucker for a joke. Good jokes, bad jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, knock knock jokes. Doesn't matter. I love to laugh, and I love to make other people laugh.

Here is my hope: Post a joke for me. It can be anything. Tell me your favorite long-form joke, tell me a terrible knock knock joke your 5-year-old nephew tells you over and over, I don't care, I just want to hear it.

I'd say I'll promise I won't laugh, but really, I'm hoping I do. I'll even start!

(For the record, I'd like to keep this from being mean spirited in the least, but there will likely be a few blonde jokes, drummer jokes, attorney jokes *because I posted them* but please, if you get offended by anything, please let me know and I'll try to address it.)

 

[PlayfulLittle1]

My favorite penguin joke

So Penguin was on his summer vacation and decided to take a road trip through the south. It was July, and it was terribly hot one day when his car broke down. He was able to limp it to a mechanic in a small tow, and the man was nice enough to take a look at the car for Penguin, but told him it would be about an hour before he knew what the problem was. So Penguin took off to waddle around the town and find a way to kill an hour.
He found a nice little ice cream parlor, and since it was very hot, and he’s a penguin, he needed to cool down, so he bought himself a vanilla cone. But being a penguin, he had no thumbs, and the ice cream melted as he ate. Vanilla ice cream all over his chin and his flippers and his little penguin chest.
Penguin realized that his hour was up, so he waddled back to the mechanic. The man wheeled out from under the car, looked up at the sticky penguin and said, “Well, it looks like you blew a seal…”
The penguin’s eyes went wide, he looked down and then stammered, “OH! No! That’s just ice cream!”

(Bah-dum TSS!)

YOUR TURN!

 

[KEZZER]

Whats yellow and lives off dead beatles?....Yoko Ono

Bloke rings the doctor and says "I think my wife is dead",
The doctor asks how he knows?
"well the sex is the same, but the washing is piling up"

 

[SmileyGirl]

What happened to the guy who put the condom on back to front?

He went!! old but have to admit it still makes me smile

 

[Lord Pmann]

An Irish farmer is standing in his barn when a wandering traveler comes up. The traveler says, "I see your beautiful animals and I was wondering of I could talk to them. May I start with the horse?"

The farmer says, "Certainly you can, but these are just animals, they can't talk."

The traveler walks over to the horse and says, "How are you horse? Do you enjoy it here? Is your master kind to you?"

The horse responds, "Indeed. He feeds me, he spends time making sure I am healthy and he gives me a nice shelter."

The farmer is amazed at the horse's ability to talk. He can't believe what he is seeing.

The traveler asks, "May I speak with the pic next?"

"Sure you can, but he is a pig and he can't talk."

"Hey pig? How are you? Does your master treat you well? Do you enjoy it?"

The pig snorts and responds, "Indeed. I get a nice trough, lots of good slop to eat and a pile of mud to lay in. It's wonderful here."

The farmer is amazed at the speaking ability of the pig.

The traveler looks over and sees a sheep in the corner, where he saw the farmer standing when he walked in. "May I speak to the sheep?"

The farmer gets nervous and responds, "You can, but do not listen to a word he says about me! That's sheep's a fucking liar!"

 

[KEZZER]

What do a tornado and a woman have in common?....

Both wet and noisy when they`re coming, and they take half the house with them when they leave

 

[PlayfulLittle1]

Q) What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

A) "Hey! We really DO taste like chicken!"

 

[KEZZER]

Q) What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

A) "Hey! We really DO taste like chicken!"

LOL

Why shouldn`t you wear Russian boxer shorts?

Chernobyl fallout!

 

[PlayfulLittle1]

DUMB JOKES TIME!


Q) Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

A) The OUTside.



Q) How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

A) Poke-her face.


Q) How do you get a drummer of of your porch?

A) Pay him for the pizza.


Q) What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?

A) Artificial Intelligence


Q) When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?

A) Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

What happened to the guy who put the condom on back to front?

He went!! old but have to admit it still makes me smile

Lol that was awesome.

Q: How does a woman hold her liquor?
A: By the ears!

A couple from my old stand up act...

Just tried a great new anti-depressant. You may have heard of it. It's called Viagra.

The other day I was watching The View. And Whoopi and Elisabeth got into this big, awful fight. It was terrible. The worst thing about it was that I watched The View.

I ran into a homeless guy once holding a sign that said "I need booze, why lie?". I didn't give him any money, though. You know he's just going to buy food with it.

 

[PlayfulLittle1]

I asked the Mister for a joke and got the old:

"Q) Why do women fake orgasms?

A) Because they think we care!"


...so I hit him.

 

[Miles Long]

These jokes work a little better if you say them out loud. But they are still awful.



How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.



How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way.

 

[PlayfulLittle1]

These jokes work a little better if you say them out loud. But they are still awful.



How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.



How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way.

Yay for awful jokes!!!

Time to break out the terrible knock-knocks!

Knock-Knock
(Who's there?)
Ether!
(Ether who?)
The Ether Bunny!

Knock-Knock
(Who's there?)
Samoa
(Samoa who?)
Samoa Ether bunnies!

Knock-knock
(Who's there?)
Estelle
(Estelle who?)
ESTELLE samoa ether bunnies!

Knock-knock
(Who's there?)
Consumption
(Consumption who?)
CONS-SUMPTION be done about all these ether bunnies!?!?!

 

[VIPER2121]

Q) What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

A) "Hey! We really DO taste like chicken!"

How would they know if they are lesbian and never had a taste of cock?

 

[VIPER2121]

What do you do with an Elephant with 3 balls?......



Walk him and pitch to the Rhino

 

[Labattz21]

What kind of bee's make milk ?

Boobies !


How do you make a tissue dance ?

Put a lil boogie in it

 

[fungatorgurl101]

What do gay cows eat?


HEEEEEEEEY

 

[arnoldlane84]

What's the difference between a giraffe and a fork-lift truck?






One has hydraulics, the other has high bollocks.

 

[BrettJ]

My Favorite Joke / Anecdote

My favorite joke, as told by the great comedian, Dave Allen.

A man is walking into his favorite Irish pub. As he is about to go in, there's a nun outside, lecturing on temperance. She cries out "Shame on you, Paddy Flynn. Don't you know that drink is the devil's brew and it'll be the ruin of you?"

He responds "Look sister, have you ever had a drink?"

"No, I can't say that I have," Says she.

"Well then, let's make a little deal. I'll go in the pub and bring you a drink and if you like it, you have to go away and stop bothering people. If you don't, you can stay out here as long as you're able," Paddy says.

"All right, that's fair enough. What's a nice lady's drink?" She asks.

"Gin."

"All right, I'll have a gin - but I'll have a cup, so no one will know that I've been drinking," The nun says.

"Fair enough, I'll be right back," Says he and he goes into the bar. The barman sees him and Paddy calls out "I'll have a pint of Guiness pat and some Gin - in a cup!"

The barman cries out "What?! Is that bloody nun out there again?!"

BrettJ in Canada

 

[smotherman]

:Waiting in Line:

With his wife sick in bed, a man did the weekly supermarket shopping. By the time he reached the checkout, his cart was overflowing. Behind him in the line was a little old lady with just a loaf of bread and some butter.


He turned to her and said: "Is that all you have dear?"


Her face lit up. "Yes, it is."


"Well," he said, "if I were you I'd have a seat because I'm gonna be a while."

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

Two for you all....

==================

There are three types of people in this world -

Those that can count,

And those that can't!

===========================

An elderly man goes to his doctor after waiting a while in the waiting room, and announces that he has a severe problem with "silent gas emissions."

"Doc, it is too much. I went golfing this morning, and while waiting to tee off, I had 2 silent gas emissions stadning next to the group.

Then I went to church with my wife, and had three more silent gas emissions while seated in the front pew.

Then we go shopping at the grocery store - it is PACKED with people - and I had three more silent gas emissions there.

I decided I needed to get this checked out, and had another four silent gas emissions while waiting in your reception area. Then I come in here, and in the time it has taken to tell you this story, I have had another two silent gas emissions right in front of you.

Doc, can you help me with this?"

The doctor looks at him and says, "Yes, I think I can. But first, let's check out your hearing, OK?"

 

[Cymru6969]

The Writer

A middle aged man spirits himself away in a secluded mountain lodging so that he might have enough peace and quiet to work on his novel. He remains shut up there for several weeks on end and makes remarkable headway. One evening when he was quite near to completion of his project, there was a knock on his door. When he opened it, he saw a giant of a man wearing a flannel shirt, jeans, work boots an a wool cap. He sported a long red beard, was missing several teeth and had a tremendous stench to him.

"Yes, can I help you?" the writer inquired.

"The name's Red. I live a few mountains over yonder. I'm here to invite you to a party", said the giant man.

"Well thank you very much indeed, Red" replied the writer. "I've seen neither hide nor hair of any human being for the past several weeks and could honestly use a proper party at this point."

Red grunted, "Good. Party is tomorrow night at sundown. But I have to warn you, there's gonna' be some drinking."

"Fine, fine", the writer retorted, "I have been known to have a drink or two."

Red continued, "And there's gonna' be some fighting."

"Well," replied the writer, "I am a pacifist, but I can certainly defend myself in fisticuffs if called upon."

Again, Red continued, "And there's gonna' be some wild sex."

"This all sounds quite fabulous to me, Red." said the writer rather excitedly. "What may I bring to your party?"

With a toothless grin, Red answers, "Nothing. It's just gonna be you and me."

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Three men walked into a bar.

You'd think the third one would have seen it.

 

[Led_Astray]

A man sees his buddy in a bar, looking morose, drinking hard.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I just got home to find my wife having sex with my best friend on the couch." sobs the friend.

"Oh, that's awful. What did you do?"

"Well, I told her to pack a bag and get the hell out."

"I'm not surprised. What about your best friend?"

"Oh... I looked him right in the eye and shouted..."
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"BAD DOG! YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED ON THE COUCH!"

 

[PeteHulbert37]

"Somethin Funny!"