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Down the rabbit hole

Apisto42 said:
Today is my son’s birthday. He wanted to keep it low key so no big plans. But I know he’s struggling today. My birthday is Wednesday and Father’s Day is Sunday. Historically, pre-cancer, this was a week we spent at the beach.

Now it just feels, blah.

But friends invited us to a Father’s Day cookout this weekend so I’ve got that to do. It’s a plus (being with friends), but it’s also going to suck (talking about cancer, death, loss). Hopefully can keep that part short.
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🫂🫂🫂
 
Birthdays done. Nice and low key.

The other day was the start of a strange feeling. Still going on, though not as constant. It’s the impact of walking into a room and being hit with a memory of her in that room and then realizing she’s gone. I think my brain has been dealing with it a bit by thinking “she’s just on a long trip” and the past few days have been “she’s not coming back from that trip”.

Untangling 25 years of shared accounts on stuff is a pain in the ass. I’m thinking I’ll probably just have to keep her Apple ID active forever to not lose access to some stuff.
 
Apisto42 said:
Birthdays done. Nice and low key.

The other day was the start of a strange feeling. Still going on, though not as constant. It’s the impact of walking into a room and being hit with a memory of her in that room and then realizing she’s gone. I think my brain has been dealing with it a bit by thinking “she’s just on a long trip” and the past few days have been “she’s not coming back from that trip”.

Untangling 25 years of shared accounts on stuff is a pain in the ass. I’m thinking I’ll probably just have to keep her Apple ID active forever to not lose access to some stuff.
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that is a normal feeling. For a long time, if I did or saw something my wife might like to hear about, I would think oh I have to tell her about this.
 
Dinner with friends was actually quite nice last night. There was hugging when we got there and some hugging and crying when we left. It was cute, the hostess lost it with me and broke down crying and said “I promised myself I wouldn’t do this and be strong for you” which was sweet. But it gave me the chance to be supportive of her which is a more comfortable position for me anyway.

It’s been a strange month. It’s been a good month though. Going tomorrow to meet with a grief therapist, so that should be interesting. Never done that before. 🤣

Happy Father’s Day.
 
Apisto42 said:
Dinner with friends was actually quite nice last night. There was hugging when we got there and some hugging and crying when we left. It was cute, the hostess lost it with me and broke down crying and said “I promised myself I wouldn’t do this and be strong for you” which was sweet. But it gave me the chance to be supportive of her which is a more comfortable position for me anyway.

It’s been a strange month. It’s been a good month though. Going tomorrow to meet with a grief therapist, so that should be interesting. Never done that before. 🤣

Happy Father’s Day.
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Happy Fathers Day to you too
 
So this is something I’ve been thinking about for the last two weeks. Still probably not fully formed, but here’s a rambling stream of consciousness but with punctuation. Camus can fuck off.

Twenty five years ago I was single and career-less. I occasionally thought about life and purpose, but honestly ever since almost dying in a car wreck at 16 (passenger), I’ve really tried to just focus on the present. Which makes sense to me because dwelling on the past and worrying about the future are ultra nonproductive and cause heart failure eventually.

Then I met a girl, fell in love, lived in China, had a baby, started a career, bought a house, had insurance, all those lovely adult things.

I didn’t worry about the past or the present because I was too busy keeping everything going. And hospitals. So much time over the past 25 years in hospitals. If any of you lovely people end up in the hospital, I’ll send a fruit basket, but I’m not coming, ok?

And now here I am. Adult child, no wife, and oddly enough no career. So the things that society say define an adult man do not currently apply to me. Which I’m fine with, I’ve never really given a shit about what society says anyway.

I’ll always be a dad. It’s just dad to an adult child now which is very different. It’s been amazing to develop our relationship to an adult relationship, not having to kick his ass to get him to do stuff, but to be the person he asks for advice and help and to vent to.

I am left with questions to ponder. What do I actually want to do? I’ve been incredibly fortunate in many ways so I have considerable freedom for the future. So removing the necessity of working to survive, I suppose it’s time to actually think about why I am living and what to do with life.
 
You can pm me that deliciously sexy voice anytime. 😘

I agree with you. Time. It happens, we exist in it. Which is one reason I’m not seriously looking for a job right now. I’ve got so much shit to do that is really mostly meaningless, so every day I take time to just be still for a bit.

Not meditating per se, just being. Hang out with the dog outside and listen to the birdsong (which living in a wood is pretty awesome) or the frogs at night.

I promise to remain chill. 🧞‍♂️
 
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