Sex drive Question

[Eagerlearner77]

I have read several threads on your sex drive. My question is a little different. My boyfriend and I live several states apart. Over the last few months I have really noticed the difference in our sex drives. We only see each other every 4-5 months. When we are together it is great, it is the times we are apart that are hard. As you can guess we have to have phone/cyber sex to enjoy that intimacy. My question is that my sex drive is so much higher than his. I want to know if there is a way to lessen my sex drive. I get turned on and want sex all the time. Masturbation is great, but I am not getting the same kind of release as I do when he and I are doing it together. He is happy with once a week. I didn't know if there is something I could do to drop mine back some. So if you have any help, I would appreciate it. It has just become a frustration for me.

 

[M's girl]

I have been in a long distance relationship many years ago. At that time I was a lot more shy than I am now, but I must say that I don't know if I could have the phone-sex-kinda talks all the time today. It has to fit the mood but even then I've never been too comfortable with it somehow. In writing it's a lot different! Give me e-mail and/or IM/MSN and I'll blow your socks off with what I'm writing where sex is concerned

If it's that important to you you must find a way to communicate which is comfortable for both. Maybe it's as simple as that, that he just isn't the phone-sex-type?

 

[FaeryFire]

I've asked this question before too, and never gotten a practical answer, so I wanted to wish you a heartfelt goodluck!

Though it might be a tad embarrasing you might consider talking to him about it. You might find a solution, and it's even possible that he's holding back a bit so you don't get any misconceptions about why he's with you, he wouldn't want you to start thinking that's all he cares about.

take cares,
~fae

 

[M's girl]

..... it's even possible that he's holding back a bit so you don't get any misconceptions about why he's with you, he wouldn't want you to start thinking that's all he cares about.

True. One of the best reasons I can think of The thing is: you will never know for sure until you ask him because we can imagine a thousand answers but it will remain just guessing.

He knows. Ask him. Good luck.

 

[Eagerlearner77]

Thanks

His lack of drive is due to medical reasons. He is wonderful when we are together, but the phone/cyber sex is what is lacking. He is great on there and actually was the one to suggest and pursue it. I have tried to talk to him, but he believes sex is a bonus in a relationship. I think that it is something special and creates a greater/tighter bond between two people. He is working on moving here in the next couple of months, so hopefully that will get better. Thanks, I didn't know if there was some kind of way to lessen one's sex drive. I have never had one higher than the guy I was with. It is strange and frustrating.

Thanks again

 

[SweetErika]

I've asked this question before too, and never gotten a practical answer, so I wanted to wish you a heartfelt goodluck!

That's because there's no safe, effective way to lower libido. One can find ways to be happy with the mismatch, be unhappy, or find someone who's a better match.

 

[subwannabe]

I think you are making a mistake by wanting to lower your sex drive. It's like you are saying, my man has a lower sex drive than I do so I want to know how to lower mine so we can be happy. I don't see that happening. I couldn't really understand what your relationship is with this guy but if he drops everything to move to another city to be with you - there are a miriad of things which could go wrong.

1. You discover that you can't stand living together

2. he doesn't get a new job and becomes a bum off you

3. his sex drive doesn't change and he only wants to do it once in while - leaving you back to square one - not fulfilled while some stranger is living in your house

Of course, things could go right too and you could live happily ever after, unfortunately the odds are not in your favor. I guess what I am trying to say is really think this stuff out before you leap into it. I don't want to see you on Judge Judy. Lowering your sex drive is not going to make you happy.

 

[Eagerlearner77]

Thanks for you advice

I know that things can go wrong. We have been together for awhile and have had time to get to know each other. We both made the promise that if things didn't work out he would move back to his own state. I just don't want to be a bother to someone, by always wanting sex. I lost my sex drive with my ex husband. I have now regained it and I think it is making up for lost time.

I do understand the complications with this moving, but I also understand that it is easier to find out if we will make it with him moving here. I would have to move my children half way across the country and away from all of our family. This will give us a chance to find out if we are meant for each other. I do love him. When we are together the sex is great and very satisfying. I am wondering if the phone/cyber sex is not enough for him. I will have to talk to him about that. He did tell me that he hasn't been feeling very well lately. He is a diabetic and I wonder if that could be affecting his drive.

I do appreciate all your responses.

 

[wicked woman]

I know that things can go wrong. We have been together for awhile and have had time to get to know each other. We both made the promise that if things didn't work out he would move back to his own state. I just don't want to be a bother to someone, by always wanting sex. I lost my sex drive with my ex husband. I have now regained it and I think it is making up for lost time.

I do understand the complications with this moving, but I also understand that it is easier to find out if we will make it with him moving here. I would have to move my children half way across the country and away from all of our family. This will give us a chance to find out if we are meant for each other. I do love him. When we are together the sex is great and very satisfying. I am wondering if the phone/cyber sex is not enough for him. I will have to talk to him about that. He did tell me that he hasn't been feeling very well lately. He is a diabetic and I wonder if that could be affecting his drive.

I do appreciate all your responses.

I did a search. As I had thought, men with diabetes are at a much higher risk of having erectile dsyfunction but I couldn't find any mention of a correlation with low sex drive, in fact the Diabetes Federation of Ireland said there was no relationship.

 

[M's girl]

I did a search. As I had thought, men with diabetes are at a much higher risk of having erectile dsyfunction but I couldn't find any mention of a correlation with low sex drive, in fact the Diabetes Federation of Ireland said there was no relationship.

Yeah, but if men start to have erectile dysfunction this may well lead to a lower sex drive as they are probably going to fear to not be able to perform any more, so they just don't want to try any more..... I can see how the one would or at least could effect the other!

 

[wicked woman]

Yeah, but if men start to have erectile dysfunction this may well lead to a lower sex drive as they are probably going to fear to not be able to perform any more, so they just don't want to try any more..... I can see how the one would or at least could effect the other!

Fair enough...but they've got those wonderful little pills to help ED. That's an easier fix than some other unknown reason for, or just the genetics of having a low sex drive. *true...I read the other day that sex drive was genetic - wondered what the hell happened to me!*

 

[TBKahuna123]

The simple fact is that men aren't all the raving sex-driven robots we are often protrayed as. Rarely, if ever, will you find a partner who will have the same sex-drive as yourself forever. It might start out that way, but if you are with someone long term, you will see changes. A lot of times this scares people, but they need to realize that this is a part of being in a long term relationship. It's one of the hardest things about marriage, IMNSHO.

When I was first married I had a very high sex drive, my wife did not. I drove her crazy and it had a negative effect on our marriage. So I slowly was able to control myself and basically trained myself to be happy with the level of intimacy we had by looking for things other than sex to fulfill those desires. Worked great, until the last few years. Now I've effectively lowered my sex drive and my wife is insatiable.

It's also one of life's cruel jokes that usually men have higher drives early and women later in life. This isn't a myth, it has everything to do with hormone levels and such. I bring this up because a difference in sex drives shouldn't be viewed as a sign of incompatibility, it is simply one of the challenges of a long term relationship. The only way around this is to have multiple short term relationships, picking partners who match your appetites. Doing this you lose the benefits that come with an LTR.

So what's the answer? If you want to be in a long term relationship, you have to face this challenge head on. You have to understand your partner's needs, and htey ahve to understand yours. It's a two way street and you have to find a way to compromise without either partner feeling like they are taking one for the team. That breeds resentment, but so does not havingyour needs met. It's all about caring and communicating.

Now that I've spouted off my psychobabble, here's another thought. Write! Masturbation doesn't give you the same thrill, but have you tried writing down your fantasies? Pull him into your stories, explore your desires and dreams, pour out that sexual frustration into your characters. The final step is let him read them, or better yet, read them to him. This will not only provide a release for you and give him some insight into your sexual personality, but it just might raise his sex drive.

Just a thoguht and good luck. I do know how frustrating this can be.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Fair enough...but they've got those wonderful little pills to help ED.

Yeah but do you know what those little fuckers cost!?!?!

 

[wicked woman]

Yeah but do you know what those little fuckers cost!?!?!

Surprisingly, even to me, yes I do.

 

[Eagerlearner77]

Thanks for all the advice. I was married for 11 years and my ex-husband had such a high drive that I thought that was all he wanted. After having 3 kids mine was pretty much non-existant. I have been divorced almost a year now and my sex drive has re-appeared. It would figure that I would find a man that once had a huge drive, but now can't keep up with me.

I know that diabetics have a higher risk of ED. As of yet that is not an issue with him. If that becomes part of our lives then I will understand. I have also heard that woman in their 30's generally have an increased sex drive, where as men in their 30's tend to level off. I have written stories for him, and he listens, but that doesn't give me the release I am looking for. I want the connection and closeness that sex can bring. I have only been intimate with my ex-husband and my new man.

Sex is something that I associate with bringing people much closer to one another. He understands my meaning, but he doesn't see sex the same way. Like I said before he sees sex as a bonus to a relationship. I know that drives don't match up. I know that once we are together on a more regular basis mine will likely level off as well. It is the lack and time in between that is effecting me the most. Or at least that is what I am thinking.

Anyways, thank you all for your information and advice. You have given me things to think about. It has opened up new conversations between he and I. He suggested that maybe I need to find new toys to play with. So that is my mission, trying to find a new toy or two to play with.

 

[SweetErika]

Sex is something that I associate with bringing people much closer to one another. He understands my meaning, but he doesn't see sex the same way. Like I said before he sees sex as a bonus to a relationship. I know that drives don't match up. I know that once we are together on a more regular basis mine will likely level off as well. It is the lack and time in between that is effecting me the most. Or at least that is what I am thinking.

Anyways, thank you all for your information and advice. You have given me things to think about. It has opened up new conversations between he and I. He suggested that maybe I need to find new toys to play with. So that is my mission, trying to find a new toy or two to play with.

It's encouraging that he's open to toys.

My other thought is perhaps you two can find some other compromises - things that give you the intimacy and satisfaction, but don't take quite as much physical desire on his part. We do that a lot with assisted masturbation (gotta love the toys! ), hand/blow jobs, kissing, cuddling, etc., when the desire for sex just isn't there for one of us. And it's worked well for the better part of a decade.

 

[TBKahuna123]

I have also heard that woman in their 30's generally have an increased sex drive, where as men in their 30's tend to level off.

Sadly this is true. Just remember it has nothing to do with his desire for you, ok?

It's encouraging that he's open to toys.

My other thought is perhaps you two can find some other compromises - things that give you the intimacy and satisfaction, but don't take quite as much physical desire on his part. We do that a lot with assisted masturbation (gotta love the toys! ), hand/blow jobs, kissing, cuddling, etc., when the desire for sex just isn't there for one of us. And it's worked well for the better part of a decade.

I ws going to suggest this verything when I read that he had suggested toys. Take it a step further, tell him you'd like him to help. Tell him that you'd like him to use those toys and "assist" you. You say you are looking for that intimacy, the release and bonding with your partner. if so, then toys won't help much if he isn't involved. If he is involved though...you might find some real satisfaction there and he might find something that jumpstarts his libido as well. You never know.

 

[SweetErika]

I ws going to suggest this verything when I read that he had suggested toys. Take it a step further, tell him you'd like him to help. Tell him that you'd like him to use those toys and "assist" you. You say you are looking for that intimacy, the release and bonding with your partner. if so, then toys won't help much if he isn't involved. If he is involved though...you might find some real satisfaction there and he might find something that jumpstarts his libido as well. You never know.

Good thoughts. I do have to throw in that there's nothing wrong with the person using the toy on themselves and asking their partner to do other things (if they're comfortable with that), though.

I get the sense that some people see using toys on ourselves/masturbation while with a partner as threatening. In fact, my husband was a little uncomfortable with it years ago, until we decided we were going for pleasure and he could do a lot of things for me (e.g. kissing, breast and g-spot stimulation) that I couldn't do by myself. If we get the best results out of me holding the toy (my pussy can be a picky bitch! ) and him doing other stuff for me, then it's silly to do it another way.

 

[Eagerlearner77]

I have used toys for years. My ex wasn't able to get me off, so he bought me toys to play with before we had intercourse. I have used toys during mutual masturbation. He loves to watch me and I love to watch him. He does participate in using the toys. He was excited when I got my new toy in this week. Thanks M's girl for you suggestions of doing some other sexual acts. I am wondering if those will bring me the connection that I am wanting. He is coming for a visit in about 3 weeks. I can't wait to try some of those things with him again.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Good thoughts. I do have to throw in that there's nothing wrong with the person using the toy on themselves and asking their partner to do other things (if they're comfortable with that), though.

I get the sense that some people see using toys on ourselves/masturbation while with a partner as threatening. In fact, my husband was a little uncomfortable with it years ago, until we decided we were going for pleasure and he could do a lot of things for me (e.g. kissing, breast and g-spot stimulation) that I couldn't do by myself. If we get the best results out of me holding the toy (my pussy can be a picky bitch! ) and him doing other stuff for me, then it's silly to do it another way.

Good points.