Sex once this year

[NextDoorSecret]

I'm in the same boat. My wife said to me, "we've had all the kids we're going to have, what's the point?" I do want sex/intimacy/physical contact but she won't make the effort.
If the issue is that your hub is gay or bi, there IS the Straight Spouse Network (www.straightspouse.org) which may have a support group near you. There is help. There is hope.

I wish he was gay. Then I'd have an answer.

 

[lonelyhornyhusband]

We've had sex once this year, 14 months actually. 3 times the previous year.
How do I accept that this is my life now, or do I not just accept it?
I'm starved for touch, for real companionship and yet loyalty, history and love keep me here.
I've tried everything under the sun. I'm out of ideas.
Maybe someone else has some?

I can understand where you are coming from. If you would like to chat, PM me.

 

[StrangeView]

Thank you. I let this thread languish, I signed out and retreated from all ofthis, trying to "shut this part of me down" before I gave up in defeat, but I'd be lying. I'm a sexual person. I need physical intimacy. I need touch.
Update as of now?
I haven't had sex yet this year.
It is a problem. I told him he has 6 months to change things or we can stay roommates, we can even stay "married" but I'll start dating.

Hi NextDoorSecret, it's good to see you're still around after all this time, just wish you had a happier story to tell. I'm still in the same boat too, just passed the 2 year mark last Saturday, still pretty good housemates, and still going nowhere. Our conversation ran to "I don't care what you do as long as you come home and it doesn't." I haven't taken any large scale advantage of that yet, but I'm starting to feel that I've been patient long enough.

Anyway, nice to see you back, and my best wishes to you.

SV

 

[evest12]

not the righ the right answer

I'm sure no one wants to hear my answer...but started happening to me almost 5 years ago...there were different reasons that my wife didn't want to have sex..but it wasn't me not wanting...it was different things for her, medical, school, depression, overworked etc....I was patient....kept trying but I was unhappy and felt unwanted....so I looked elsewhere and found someone like me....we helped each other out....then I started doing things on my own and finding my own hobbies....I feel much better now, glad I did what I did...my wife is still not happy.....

 

[NextDoorSecret]

I'm sure no one wants to hear my answer...but started happening to me almost 5 years ago...there were different reasons that my wife didn't want to have sex..but it wasn't me not wanting...it was different things for her, medical, school, depression, overworked etc....I was patient....kept trying but I was unhappy and felt unwanted....so I looked elsewhere and found someone like me....we helped each other out....then I started doing things on my own and finding my own hobbies....I feel much better now, glad I did what I did...my wife is still not happy.....

Did you leave her or did you cheat? Really not being judgemental in the slightest bit, I just am not clear on what your actions were.
Lately I've been thinking about telling him that I want an open marriage if he isn't willing to start being physical.

 

[charlie069]

This boat is filling up

Did you leave her or did you cheat? Really not being judgemental in the slightest bit, I just am not clear on what your actions were.
Lately I've been thinking about telling him that I want an open marriage if he isn't willing to start being physical.

There seems to be lots of people in this situation. I don't think i could ever cheat on my wife. Even when i was young and single I could only be with 1 person at a time. (not saying that if she was game we couldn't include a 3rd) Just couldn't sneak around behind her back.

I feel so shit sometimes wondering what i have done that i'm so undesirable and that she doesn't relish the idea of sexual contact.

Knowing that others are in the same boat helps slightly but I would rather be having sex.

 

[suckonsimon]

I haven't had sex yet this year.
It is a problem. I told him he has 6 months to change things or we can stay roommates, we can even stay "married" but I'll start dating.

Lately I've been thinking about telling him that I want an open marriage if he isn't willing to start being physical.

Hello NDS. I'm really feeling for you that, all these months on, your man has not stepped up to anything. Allow me to say a couple of things about these two posts:

I want to affirm for you that it seems fair and reasonable to me that you have have said this to him at this stage, and that if he continues to take no action about his difficulty - well, you have one life and you have needs.

I'm not sure if 'open marriage' is a helpful term for your situation. My understanding of an open marriage is that it is built on a full and fabulous and secure sexual relationship between the couple, and they together choose to 'overspill' what they have. You finding a good man to pleasure you well is something else than that. I would even suggest that 'affair' is a better term, for all there would be no aspect of 'cheating' as your husband has already had clear notice of the possibility.

 

[StrangeView]

Hello NDS. I'm really feeling for you that, all these months on, your man has not stepped up to anything. Allow me to say a couple of things about these two posts:

I want to affirm for you that it seems fair and reasonable to me that you have have said this to him at this stage, and that if he continues to take no action about his difficulty - well, you have one life and you have needs.

I'm not sure if 'open marriage' is a helpful term for your situation. My understanding of an open marriage is that it is built on a full and fabulous and secure sexual relationship between the couple, and they together choose to 'overspill' what they have. You finding a good man to pleasure you well is something else than that. I would even suggest that 'affair' is a better term, for all there would be no aspect of 'cheating' as your husband has already had clear notice of the possibility.

'Affair' is a term that to me, conjures up some kind of relationship with a deeper emotional/romantic attachment than I'd be looking for. I think the phrase 'friend with benefits' might be a better description? Although to some people it might amount to the same thing, to me it implies a more casual, need-focused arrangement.

 

[suckonsimon]

'Affair' is a term that to me, conjures up some kind of relationship with a deeper emotional/romantic attachment than I'd be looking for. I think the phrase 'friend with benefits' might be a better description? Although to some people it might amount to the same thing, to me it implies a more casual, need-focused arrangement.

You've persuaded me, StrangeView. Yes. Thanks. Corrected.

 

[curl4ever]

There seems to be lots of people in this situation. I don't think i could ever cheat on my wife. Even when i was young and single I could only be with 1 person at a time. (not saying that if she was game we couldn't include a 3rd) Just couldn't sneak around behind her back.

I feel so shit sometimes wondering what i have done that i'm so undesirable and that she doesn't relish the idea of sexual contact.

Knowing that others are in the same boat helps slightly but I would rather be having sex.

I went through a long period of wondering what was wrong with me, that my wife wouldn't want sex with me. Spent time and money trying to solve it from my end (buying books and videos, visiting therapists, and even visiting paid providers to practice my techniques). I eventually realized that it was a problem only she could fix, and only when she was motivated to fix it. This realization let me move to a calmer and happier emotional state.

We didn't have first intercourse until seven years into our marriage, and no sexual contact at all for the past fourteen years. Next time around, my marriage vows will have to include a commitment from both parties to go to couples therapy whenever things aren't working right.

- curl

 

[NextDoorSecret]

Knowing that others are in the same boat helps slightly but I would rather be having sex.

Hell yes to that!

I'm not sure if 'open marriage' is a helpful term for your situation. My understanding of an open marriage is that it is built on a full and fabulous and secure sexual relationship between the couple, and they together choose to 'overspill' what they have. You finding a good man to pleasure you well is something else than that. I would even suggest that 'affair' is a better term, for all there would be no aspect of 'cheating' as your husband has already had clear notice of the possibility.

I don't know, because in my opinion affair means I'd be hiding it. If he isn't willing to do something if he really lets me know that it doesn't matter to him, I don't think I'll be hiding anything.
I'm not focused on the labels though, so I guess what I call it isn't that important.

I went through a long period of wondering what was wrong with me, that my wife wouldn't want sex with me. Spent time and money trying to solve it from my end (buying books and videos, visiting therapists, and even visiting paid providers to practice my techniques). I eventually realized that it was a problem only she could fix, and only when she was motivated to fix it. This realization let me move to a calmer and happier emotional state.

We didn't have first intercourse until seven years into our marriage, and no sexual contact at all for the past fourteen years. Next time around, my marriage vows will have to include a commitment from both parties to go to couples therapy whenever things aren't working right.

I'd never say marriage vows again, if this ends then it ends, I'd never marry again.
I can't tell you how much time, money, effort I've invested. I'm trying to remember it's a problem of his, but it feels very much like it must be me, who doesn't want to sleep with their wife unless she's miserable and a horrid human being? I'm not those things, so I worry that he is no longer finds me attractive, no matter that he says it's not me. I don't know how to get past that.

 

[curl4ever]

I'd never say marriage vows again, if this ends then it ends, I'd never marry again.
I can't tell you how much time, money, effort I've invested. I'm trying to remember it's a problem of his, but it feels very much like it must be me, who doesn't want to sleep with their wife unless she's miserable and a horrid human being? I'm not those things, so I worry that he is no longer finds me attractive, no matter that he says it's not me. I don't know how to get past that.

So sorry for your pain.

 

[NextDoorSecret]

It's sad that I had a count in my head isn't it?

 

[pplwatching]

I worry that he no longer finds me attractive, no matter that he says it's not me. I don't know how to get past that.

I'm sorry to see that you are still struggling with this. I am not a big fan of quoting self help books and web site, but they occasionally have some relevant insight.

The Marriage Builders web site has the following to say
The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is "mental cruelty." When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they have been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate, and demonstrating other forms of neglect.

Although knowing that you aren't alone isn't very helpful, it might help to understand that similar problems are common in many marriages, in one form or another. The problem isn't you, which puts the ball squarely into his court. I believe that it's important to first figure out if he won't, can't, or simply doesn't know where to start.

You can not make a marriage work if one spouse refuses to communicate (the won't). If he simply doesn't care, then you have already told him what he can expect in the coming months. The fly in the ointment is that ultimatums rarely work. If you find yourself repeating the same ultimatum later on, then all that he will have learned is that this really isn't a deal breaker for you and that you'll stay even if he doesn't put in the effort.

Struggling with communication or sexual issues of his own (the can't) are a different problem. If you can establish that he is willing but lacks the tools that he needs to work through the problem, then some form of counseling may be effective to overcome the barriers.

Not knowing how or where to start is a kind of paralysis. If you can establish that he wants to meet your needs but doesn't know how to overcome other issues such as depression, low testosterone, other health issues, unresolved conflicts, latent abuse issues, etc. then you may be able to help him find outside help.

If it comes down to "won't" or won't try to overcome other issues that may be causing the problems, then it may be necessary to concede that the marriage isn't salvageable. In that case, it may be more effective to begin by filing for divorce or legal separation first, and telling him that it's up to him to show you that he's serious about making an effort before the legal wheels finish turning. Actions may speak louder than words.


Good luck

 

[suckonsimon]

<snip> but it feels very much like it must be me, who doesn't want to sleep with their wife unless she's miserable and a horrid human being? I'm not those things, so I worry that he is no longer finds me attractive, no matter that he says it's not me. I don't know how to get past that.

I have one possible answer to the question here, NDS. The man who deep down feels miserable and horrid himself - can't sleep with his wife. The man who has for whatever reason lost any sense of his own sexual attractiveness or prowess - can't sleep with his wife.

I have long thought that the assumption often made that arousal for men is something relatively simple, is correct in teenage and early adulthood but can change into something far more subtle and complicated, relating to self-esteem and a host of other internal factors, when a man is further into his life. The irony is that, in terms of a man's arousal in the context of solo pleasure or even in terms of a one-night-stand, he can bypass all the complicated stuff and just get hard and go for it. But in the context of a relationship all the other factors come into play, and nobody says or writes much about that, leaving some men, perhaps, in an uncharted territory where they just don't know which way to turn.

These are just my musings, not a clearly held opinion.

The clearly held opinion is that, Yes, a woman can be an attractive and warm and generous and loving person - such as you appear to be - and her husband can have internal troubles of his own such that he is not able to make love to her.

 

[curl4ever]

I'm sorry to see that you are still struggling with this. I am not a big fan of quoting self help books and web site, but they occasionally have some relevant insight.

The Marriage Builders web site has the following to say

...

Good luck

Well put!

Thanks for the thoughtful contribution.

- curl

 

[NextDoorSecret]

Not knowing how or where to start is a kind of paralysis.


Good luck

This was particularly a big part. I don't know where to go from where we are. I've tried so many things. It does help actually to know that it's a "not alone" issue and yes, I think you're right. I have to determine what it is. A can't, or won't.

I have one possible answer to the question here, NDS. The man who deep down feels miserable and horrid himself - can't sleep with his wife. The man who has for whatever reason lost any sense of his own sexual attractiveness or prowess - can't sleep with his wife.

So then we're back to the above, a Can't or Won't.
Because he still hasn't tried to get actual help.
The one time he did talk to the dr they prescribed viagra which he doesn't need, because physical performance isn't the issue, and he wouldn't have filled it anyway because he doesn't have the interest in actually having sex.
So, counseling is the only route I can see, for the two of us together and then we go from there.
I was seriously disturbed to realize how long it's been and that I didn't even have to really do math. I took a guess, looked at my calendar and was off by 3 days. So I have a running countdown in my head apparently.

 

[ab724u]

This was particularly a big part. I don't know where to go from where we are. I've tried so many things. It does help actually to know that it's a "not alone" issue and yes, I think you're right. I have to determine what it is. A can't, or won't.


So then we're back to the above, a Can't or Won't.
Because he still hasn't tried to get actual help.
The one time he did talk to the dr they prescribed viagra which he doesn't need, because physical performance isn't the issue, and he wouldn't have filled it anyway because he doesn't have the interest in actually having sex.
So, counseling is the only route I can see, for the two of us together and then we go from there.
I was seriously disturbed to realize how long it's been and that I didn't even have to really do math. I took a guess, looked at my calendar and was off by 3 days. So I have a running countdown in my head apparently.

It sux when libidos don't match
Wife is okay with little to no sex, that's tough for a guy always ready to go ya know...):

 

[pplwatching]

This will likely continue to be a long road. In addition to the sexual challenges, your marriage is suffering from communication and intimacy issues. Both of you may have to roll up your sleeves and work on those first, but at least you will have a sense that you are working on the problems together. A little hope goes a long ways.

It may be helpful to go to a different doctor, armed with more information and different expectations. According to WebMD

To diagnose a man's sexual problem, the doctor likely will begin with a thorough history of symptoms. He or she may order other tests to rule out any medical problems that may be contributing to the dysfunction. The doctor may refer you to other doctors, including a urologist (a doctor specializing in the urinary tract and male reproductive system), an endocrinologist (a doctor specializing in hormonal issues), a neurologist (a doctor specializing in disorders of the nervous system), sex therapists, and other counselors.

Not all doctors are prepared to deal with sexual issues. When my wife was sexually indifferent (different discussion), her OBGYN suggested buying lube. At our insistence, the Dr final began to explore underlying issues. It turned out to be a combination of stress, depression, birth control, and other issues in the marriage.

We didn't turn the corner until both of us agreed that being in a sexless marriage was a huge problem. That seems obvious to the spouse who wants sex, but may or may not be obvious to the spouse who doesn't. In our case my wife was the one who was "paralyzed", but she knew that we were in trouble and agreed to follow my lead. It took a combination of marriage counselors and several doctor's visits before sexual and emotional intimacy started budding again.

How important is it to you that he take charge of the problem? One way to distinguish the "won't" from the "can't" is to ask your husband if he will agree to let you spearhead things. If he follows through and goes to doctors appointments, counseling, etc that you arrange and is present and actively participating (as opposed to being drug through the door and sitting like a lump) then at least you know that you have a marriage partner instead of a boat anchor.

Best to you both

 

[suckonsimon]

... The one time he did talk to the dr they prescribed viagra which he doesn't need, because physical performance isn't the issue, and he wouldn't have filled it anyway because he doesn't have the interest in actually having sex.
So, counseling is the only route I can see, for the two of us together and then we go from there. ...

I'm sorry he and you both were so badly served with a mere viagra prescription, when there are things a man can take to assist with desire as distinct from assistance with 'the plumbing'. I wonder, would he consider a test run with one of the better sexual appetite / sexual confidence herbals of the 'daily supplement' type, as distinct from the 'hour before intimacy' type? Just to suggest two which have very full information on their websites: VigRX is one, Quantum Pills the other. [this second one has a focus on male climax enhancement but believe me it can do the trick for many men as to male everything from initial interest right through to climax]. Just perhaps, a tonic such as one of those, because they are daily dose with a view to medium-term effect, would seem less of a threat to him than something to take to enable him to perform 'there and then'.

All this said, I appreciate it comes down to his willingness or otherwise to try.

From all your responses on your thread, NDS, is shows through that you are one wonderful woman. You please hold onto that through all this. Simon

 

[NightL]

no empathy, no desire to try = no respect

How much do you respect yourself?

Yup - harsh - what do you need to do to regain confidence and respect for yourself?

"Do you want out of this marriage?" - simple as that really - what answer would give you complete confidence that things could work out. I would suggest an immediate agreement for counselling. In fact have an appointment already booked with a sex therapist or relationship counsellor. Any vagueness in answer - walk.

Keep walking - up to him if he wishes to chase.

He is dragging you down to dirt - and from what I have read here that is exactly his goal.

In a solid relationship a partner would say "Sorry, I know I am letting you down at the moment. I know you wish and need things to be different, I will seek help on this - I love you."

 

[Kswputfan]

Wow, here I've been lurking in other areas of this board, and I should have been in this thread all along.

I'm also a wife married to a man who has lost interest in sex. I've gone through all the same thoughts as the OP - "Is it me? Is he gay? Is there someone else? Is it a physical issue?" And so on.

We've been married 20 years. We still love each other, are good partners in every other regard. No kids, no money stresses, we do things together and travel and enjoy our friends and family. There is just very little sex. Sometimes after a few drinks I more or less force myself on him and there will be so-so sex but it's not that same as being wanted and desired and ravaged by the guy you love.

I've long since stopped trying to force the issue; a person can only take rejection so many times before they just stop trying. For 18 months I had an online friend, also married and that I knew in real life many years ago. He was a great outlet for me, a way to express all that sexual energy without technically cheating. That ended and I so far have found that I can't muster the same enthusiasm for a stranger online. I need the friendship and connection for the desire to follow. So I haven't been able to simply replace him.

OP, you are sooooo not alone. It's not as easy as issuing an ultimatum or leaving him. My husband is my best friend. But I don't know if I can just give up on having a sex life. It sucks.

 

[quietlylooking]

Wow, here I've been lurking in other areas of this board, and I should have been in this thread all along.

I'm also a wife married to a man who has lost interest in sex. I've gone through all the same thoughts as the OP - "Is it me? Is he gay? Is there someone else? Is it a physical issue?" And so on.

We've been married 20 years. We still love each other, are good partners in every other regard. No kids, no money stresses, we do things together and travel and enjoy our friends and family. There is just very little sex. Sometimes after a few drinks I more or less force myself on him and there will be so-so sex but it's not that same as being wanted and desired and ravaged by the guy you love.

I've long since stopped trying to force the issue; a person can only take rejection so many times before they just stop trying. For 18 months I had an online friend, also married and that I knew in real life many years ago. He was a great outlet for me, a way to express all that sexual energy without technically cheating. That ended and I so far have found that I can't muster the same enthusiasm for a stranger online. I need the friendship and connection for the desire to follow. So I haven't been able to simply replace him.

OP, you are sooooo not alone. It's not as easy as issuing an ultimatum or leaving him. My husband is my best friend. But I don't know if I can just give up on having a sex life. It sucks.

Thanks for sharing this; you ladies are definitely NOT alone! And while it's easy to find an online friend, it's harder to find one with whom you can share a real emotional connection and deep friendship. I think women need this much more than men do. In addition, men on Lit are often attached and don't need or want an emotional relationship. But a few understand having that deeper connection that makes the sexual part of the relationship so much better.

I have tried at times to just give up on my sexual side and be "good", but I know that makes me unhappy.

 

[AlwaysSoaked]

Best words a man has uttered on this subject. I'm in her situation too but it has been 19 months for me. Men love me as a fantasy so it can be remarkably confusing. Thank you Simon for not being condescending. We beat ourselves up enough. J

 

[pplwatching]

I have "met" many people on this board with either this issue, or medical issues that make sex next to impossible. It's a common theme on the other sites that I lurk around too. You are definitely not alone, although speaking from experience it is a very lonely place to be.

Those of us who crave and need an emotional connection often find that sex gives that to us, and also that the emotional connection makes sex not only better but I'd go so far as to say palatable. I have never had a one night stand for exactly that reason. The opportunities presented themselves, but I needed a strong emotional connection. I sometimes even have trouble in my own marriage bed if I am feeling particularly emotionally disconnected from my wife.

I can't speak to other people's experiences on this board or on hook up sites, but I can remember times when watching a porn to fill the void just made me feel absolutely terrible and/or angry, but also other times when it was enough to get me by. Everyone has their line in the sand about how far they can or will go, and until we've walked a mile in similar shoes it can be very easy to think in terms of absolutes. A little compassion for such deep pain, solitude, and sadness is certainly called for. No one deserves to live a life like that, and there are often times complications or even just plain old love that make moving on to a "healthy" relationship or marriage difficult or impossible.